This is a picture of the cardboard iPod that Jenny made. She brought it skiing today. Her brother got one for Christmas, and she wants to be a ‘cool kid’, too, so she made her own. At lunch, in the lodge, she was playing with her ‘iPod’, and Will said, “Jen, some people are laughing at your iPod.” Jenny defiantly said, “So what!” I hope she’s able to maintain that attitude. Later, she asked if I wanted a pretend iPod. I wanted to say, “Nah. No thanks, honey. I’ve had a pretend boyfriend for almost 3 years. I’m done pretending for awhile.
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Speaking of pretending…
The kids emailed their dad in response to his lengthy email. Will’s email was about the way his feelings are hurt when his dad makes fun of the things he loves; when his dad doesn’t acknowledge Will’s interests; and how Mark’s always too busy with his business to have any time for them. Jenny’s email brought up the fact that Mark says he’s going to try – try to be interested, try to use an adult voice, try to spend time with her – and he doesn’t come through.
I insisted on reading the emails before they hit the ‘send’ button. I wasn’t concerned about grammar and spelling as much as I was concerned about…
… them being harsh, and hurting Mark’s feelings.
I know.
If the Mayo Clinic examined my head, they’d find a Lizard Brain operating in hyper-drive. I can’t even begin to rationalize why I think those things.
I actually emailed my aunt and asked her opinion. It’s pretty obvious, from this blog, that I have a great deal of respect for my aunt, her wisdom and her parenting. I needed to hear her thoughts. She didn’t say, “Let him have it.” But she did say something like, “They deserve the opportunity to express themselves and actually be heard.”
They were very direct. They brought up instances of his harsh treatment of them – that they’ve not forgotten – that he has completely denied. They won’t forget. They will not stand that he denies those events.
I let them hit the ‘send’ button.
He responded rather quickly.
He actually apologized. He told them that he is proud of them. He said, “I’m sorry for being a bad dad. It is hard for me to imagine that I am not a good dad.” Once again, he reiterated that he doesn’t remember the instances that are so painful to the kids.
And he ended his email by telling them that he’d “leave them alone,” to which Will replied, “I guess you are going to just wimp out and not even try.”
I guess Mark has just been pretending to be a dad.
Tags: child of narcissist, divorce, humor, life, love, narcissist behavior, NPD, proactive, survive
The thing is that when Mark has hurt feelings, you get pummeled with crap. It’s survival mode. Stop beating yourself up for it, and understand that if you weren’t here, someone else would be taking care of your preciouses.
We DON’T want that to happen.
Donna,
It’s amazing how much more relaxed it has been around here lately. I’ve been keeping the kids going a lot, so they won’t have time to think about their dad. It’ll hit them at some point, but in the meantime, the lack of stress has been so nice for all of us.
I think it is amazing how quickly the subject turned from sorry you are hurt…to “I” didn’t think I was so bad! That is amazing. Truly it is all about “I”.
What is really sad is Mark may never know or understand the hurt he has caused his children. He will be too busy wondering what happened to….guess who???….HIM, of course.
Lucy,
Unfortunately, I have to post an update on this seemingly endless saga.
Thanks for writing, and welcome to our little community.