I brought a fresh cup of coffee to my 8:30 counseling session with my blog today. Seems life continues to hand me more fodder for ‘Surviving Narcissism’. This is where I get to use expressions like, “The proof is in the pudding”, “It’s time to take the gloves off”, and (hopefully), “He never knew what hit him.”
I’m using ALL the narcissism tags for this post.
Mark didn’t get to spend a lot of time with the kids this last weekend. Grandma and Grandpa returned from wintering in Arizona, and the kids needed some serious spoiling time. So when Mark called Monday night, I wasn’t surprised to hear his characteristic what-about-me, martyr voice. He said, “You have told me to make them a priority, and when I try to see them, they are too busy with your folks. How am I supposed to fit into their schedule?” I explained that they hadn’t seen grandma for four months, but that they would be available on Tuesday afternoon.
What I wanted to say was, “I asked you, 11 years ago, to make Will a priority. That’s one helluva ‘To-Do List” you’ve got there. You’re just now getting around to making them a priority?”
Three hours into Tuesday’s visit, I walked out to the front yard with my new spine-enhanced posture and said, “We need to cap these visits at three hours. I don’t like being held hostage in my own house.” He sarcastically said, “I would love to have these visits at my house.” I reminded him that the visits at his house would be three hours in length (no over-nighters) and would include both kids at the same time. He frickin’ asked me why the kids wouldn’t be allowed to spend the night.
Narcissists conveniently forget, lie, manipulate, misconstrue, contradict and obfuscate. (I had to look that last word up, and it fits perfectly.)
Does he think that one of these days I will forget the incident and then we can all pretend that everything is fine?
I asked him what his “counselor” suggests we do to create a schedule of visits while keeping in mind that the kids can’t spend the night at his house. (I’m still not convinced that he’s actually seeing a counselor.)
cue suspenseful, dramatic music – think soap opera
He said that he spent one whole hour talking to a counselor (poor woman) and he explained everything to her including the alleged incident. After he finished the details of his relationship with the kids, this is what happened, in his words, “She got up from her chair, walked over to a bookshelf, pulled down a book, found a page that said, ‘Parental Alienation’.”
Wow.
I asked him if Parental Alienation included all the times I’ve reminded the kids to call their dad, opened my house to his marathon visits, helped them write lists of the good things about their dad, and abstained from telling them just what a complete waste of flesh their father is.
He said he plans on putting Jenny on the stand to testify about the “incident”.
At that comment, my new spine exploded.
I showed my cards. I lost my temper. I said… make that … strongly suggested that if he so much as makes a phone call to put his daughter in the position of having to discuss what happened that night, in front of a room full of people, he will find my house deserted.
I will move my kids.
I will not subject them to another narcissistic display of their father’s so-called influence in our town – his charm – his phony reputation.
And I said it. I brought up narcissism.
I asked him if he has done any reading on narcissists and their relationships with their kids. (I had brought up the whole narcissism topic way back when I first left him.)
He snickered. He snickered and said, “You are every bit the narcissist that I am.”
I don’t like that man enough to hate him.
I asked him to leave and poured a cocktail.
__________
I called him this morning at 7:30 to tell him that the kids have decided that they want to go to a counselor. In the middle of my discussion with Mark last night (we were outside, they were inside) they hightailed it up the hill to grandma’s. I don’t know why they’ve changed their minds on counseling. I strongly support their decision.
He’s making an appointment.
He doesn’t know that I have more cards. I do keep some things close to the vest. I can do that since I don’t have a chest to get in the way. ;)
__________
And when I woke in the middle of the night, last night, I had nursery rhymes running through my head.
Humpty Dumpty sat on a wall. Humpty Dumpty had a big fall. All the kings horses and all the kings men Couldn’t put Humpty together again.
and
Jack and Jill went up the hill To fetch a pale of water. Jack fell down and broke his crown And Jill came tumbling after.
Jill has a spine now. She’s not going anywhere.
Tags: all about me, child of narcissist, divorce, humor, life, love, narcissism, narcissist behavior, narcissistic behavior, proactive, survive
Katie, bar the door! I wouldn’t want to cross Jesse at this point!! (O:
Jesse,
You and I both know narcissists can be very charming & persuasive. Therapists are people too and they can be manipulated. I wouldn’t allow the children to meet with a counselor Mark has selected, especially the one he claims to already be seeing. What if he is telling the truth and *after one session* she brought up parental alienation?
I suggest you find a children’s therapist (or better yet, a child psychologist) yourself, let the kids have a few sessions, and then bring Mark in to be included in family therapy. If this is impossible due to small towns, limited resources, etc., then at least go meet with Mark’s counselor by yourself for the first visit to assess her & tell your side of things before your kids see her.
I saw a friend go through this and a bad therapist with a very different child-rearing philosophy or limited skills in recognition & dealing with narcissists can cause a lot of damage, especially if they are being manipulated by a skilled persuader such as Mark.
Lisa,
THANK YOU. THANK YOU.
I’d have made those words bigger if I could figure out how to do it.
I have first hand experience with Mark’s ability to manipulate a counselor.
(Hmm.. Wonder why he’s so quick to offer to pay for even my appointment. The man who doesn’t have cable, garbage pickup, internet, phone or newspaper just to save a penny. But that’s a whole different post.)
No coincidence that he chose a woman. He thinks he has a better chance at manipulating a female.
He has me scheduled for a solo two hour appointment. The kids will follow two days later with a half hour each.
My antenna are already up. I know the language. I’ve seen how counselors react to his strokes. I’m on the alert for red flags.
THANKS, again.
I just read this post. I kept saying Oh my gosh My heart goes out to you. It must be so difficult to go through this narcissism thing, with young children. Really really hard. I think every day is a struggle. And no end in sight. I read something, somewhere, about narcissists. They are so charming that they can often convince therapists, counselors, etc. that they are the better parent. And that the other (really good) parent isn’t. They can just be so wicked. I guess that is an extreme adjective to describe them. But it is true, at times. Hang in there. You are loved. By a lot of NON-narcissists.
Phyllis,
I don’t think ‘wicked’ is too extreme. I’ve been dancing around ‘evil’, too.
Thanks for the kind words.
;)
You should pick a different counselor. Don’t let him decide who the kids talk to. This town is small, you know that. I agree with Lisa on this. He is up to something.
Kath,
I go on Monday. I’ll see how I feel after that. My gut has been right on, lately.
When the counselor brought up “Parental Alienation”, was she talking about Mark?
If she starts defending Mark, tell her that she is incompetent and needs to take a refresher course, especially about narcissists. You have a spine. You can do these things. :)
And if you do decide to empty your house, MI is a great state. And it has snow!
Donna,
The counselor told Mark that I’ve been attempting to tell the kids negative things about him in an effort to alienate them – make them not like their dad.
Just typing that pisses me off.
I’m going to reread all these comments before my appointment in an effort to stiffen my spine.
p.s. I’m from this state. All my family lives here. I’ve lived here all my life. He is the transplant.
I WILL NOT LET HIM RUN US OUT OF TOWN.
She’s back! She’s stronger than ever before! Don’t mess with Momzilla!
I was jumping up and down whooping reading this one!
Kate,
Remember, the “proof is in the pudding?” I don’t think anybody’s served the pudding, yet? We’ll just see how tough I really am. My stomach is already doing the nervous heartburn thing and the first session isn’t until Monday.
I HATE THIS.
Good for you! And your munchkins.
You are in the right. That is all there is to it. Remember, there is none so blind as she who will not see. And if she doesn’t see, oh well. She may never see.
But finding a counselor who does see is important. I know you will do right by your little ones. You already have, by moving them out of the house and keeping them safe. This is just another step on the road.
In another year you will look back and be grateful for how far all three of you have come! And we will all be here cheering for you!
Donna,
My face smiled, and my heart warmed when I read your comment.
Seriously.
Thanks ;)
I’m fresh out of whatever you call those things I baked that you dip in coffee. (I’m serious. I can’t remember the name of them. Scary.) But I have a huge bottle of Tums. And plenty of coffee, wine, tea. whatever is right for the moment.
All the advice you’ve had in the comments to this post is better than anything I could add. You’re on the right track. You know we’re all behind you.
Oh yeah, I just remembered. They’re called biscotti.
Pat,
I was just telling a friend that I need to talk a lot between now and Monday. (Okay. I haven’t really taken a break from the talking.) But I need to bounce things off of someone who’s willing to listen (suffer).
I have the knowledge. I know what I’m up against. I need to make sure that I don’t buckle under.
I’m too nervous to eat biscotti, but I can chug coffee just fine.