This photo reminds me of all the fun that was had around our house this week. Those drops of water are getting ready to slide down the tulip leaf. You can almost hear the drops saying, “Wheeeee!”
Kelle, my cousin’s daughter, was invited to stay Monday night. Her mom and sister went on a trip, and we thought it’d be fun to have Kel here to hang out with Jen and Will for a night and a day.
They had so much fun, that Monday night and Tuesday turned into Tuesday night …
You can see where this is going.
I started to feel bad for Joe, her dad. I thought he might be missing his daughter a bit, so we invited him for pizza Tuesday night. He arrived during major renovations. The kids hatched a plan to move the fort they had constructed in the living room, to the back yard. I dug out the inflatable mattress and the pump. We were twenty minutes into inflation when Will announced that Jenny could blow up the mattress faster than that silly pump. Joe offered to run to the other side of town to get his pump.
I said, “Oh, no. That’s too much bother. I’m sure it’ll fill up in time. Good thing we started this before dark.” (A good accommodator hates to impose.)
He gave his daughter a hug and went on his way.
Thirty minutes later, I’m starting to think Will was right, and that Jen could do a better job of inflating the mattress. Kelle announced that she was going to call her dad and have him bring their pump. I said, “Honey, that’s a real imposition. Your dad had some work to do tonight. Let’s not bug him about coming back here. We’ll just give this pump a little more time.”
She said, “He’s my dad, I can impose.” She wasn’t being surly or bossy when she said this. She wasn’t acting entitled. She said, in a very straight-forward fashion, “My dad does those things for us.”
Will and I looked at each other. Will looked stunned and a little confused. I think I must have looked the same way. I handed Kelle my phone so she could make the call to her dad.
Thirty minutes later, Joe showed up with a pump, a 3-man tent, three sleeping bags, and a second backup pump. I was a little surprised that he hadn’t stopped to pick up the donuts for the next morning’s breakfast. He walked in with arms full, and I immediately started apologizing for the imposition. I told him what Kelle had said about how she and her sister can impose on their dad, because that’s what dads are for. He hesitated, and I briefly thought, “Oh crap, I hope I didn’t just get Kelle in trouble.”
Then he beamed and said, “Did she say that? I’m so glad to hear that. She’s absolutely right. That is what I am for. I always do this stuff for them. I’m real glad she realizes that.”
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By Thursday evening, the kids still weren’t done having fun. Kelle asked her dad, “Pretty please, can I spend one more night at Will and Jenny’s?”
Joe is an accommodator, too. He checked with me before saying, “Yes.” When he called to make sure everything was fine with me, he said, “You know, I miss her like crazy, but this is what Kel really wants to do. These kids are making memories here. If it’s okay with you, I’m fine with her staying one more night.”
That’s what a dad does.
Tags: child of narcissist, life, love, narcissism, NPD, proactive, survive
And Will and Jen would say: “She’s my mom. I can impose.” They can say it with the same assurance that Kelle did, knowing that you’re always there for them.
Pat,
Thanks for that, but I’m afraid my kids have picked up some of my resistance to being an inconvenience or an imposition.
This thing with Joe and Kelle was an eye-opener for me.
I saw, maybe for the first time, that it’s okay to impose on people when there is genuine love there.
No more telling them not to ‘bug’ grandma and grandpa.
Will and Jenny need to see how much others love them, too.
I love all three of you & you can “impose” on me at ANYTIME!
And you’re right, Joe is so much like his father-in-law in that way…ANYTHING for the ones he loves.
Jennifer,
Your dad set the bar pretty high. And I’ve noticed that you and your two sisters married men who are a lot like your dad in the fathering department.
It’s true what they say about a girl needing a good father.
My kids & I never knew that’s what a dad did, either. That’s why I always get a sloppy grin on my face whenever I see what I call a “true” dad doing something with his kids that we normally associate with moms. Those kids are so lucky. And I’m glad they feel entitled to it, because they are. We all are. Thank God so many fathers are “true” dads, and more all the time.