I am scared. My stomach hurts.
Mark talked to my mom before his counseling session today. He admitted that yesterday’s visit did not go well. He said he thinks he can’t reach Will. I’m stunned that he can see this.
My head was reeling with the sudden change in Mark’s tone.
Is he ready to discard the kids because they aren’t interested in sourcing his narcissism? He has never admitted to this strained relationship with Will before. Why now?
The kids are scheduled for a session with Mark and the counselor tomorrow. They are begging me not to make them go. They are crying. They are pleading.
I’ve told them that we are taking the ‘high road’. We will go to one more session to show Mark, and the world, that we are giving this our best.
My mom just called to see how Jen and Will are doing. I confessed to calling Mark, even though I agreed not to communicate with him. I called Mark to ask if I could please take the kids to the appointment. Originally, it was decided that Mark would pick the kids up on the way to see the counselor. They pleaded with me to take them to the session. I suggested, to Mark, that this would be a compromise. I told him that I am making them go to the appointment, against their will. He agreed to meet them there.
Mom talked to Mark tonight to try to explain to him that the kids DO NOT want to go to the counseling session tomorrow. After his session today, he has new confidence that the counselor can make this all work out.
Because we said the kids would go, the kids will go.
I am scared.
I hate this.
I can not will not make Jen and Will go through this any more.
I want this to be over.
Tags: child of narcissist, divorce, life, narcissism, narcissist behavior, narcissistic behavior, NPD, proactive, survive
I am so sorry that you and the kids are having to deal with this! My very specific prayer this morning is that he loses interest so you and those two beautiful kids can get on with it. Love you!
Kate,
Thanks. I’ve been praying for that for a long time.
Not feeling very hopeful right now.
Be sure to call me. Am agonizing over how today will go. Thinking of you 3 and holding you close…
I are cornfused…I thought the kids liked the counselor? Is it just because Mark will be there? I thought things were moving forward, at least with the kids healing.
Im sending peace and love.
And I R Cornfused – with capitals R and C.
Perhaps my posts haven’t articulated the frustration coming from Will and Jenny. They are beyond frustrated with the fact that they are going to sessions and their dad is not. They are frustrated that no matter how many times they articulate what they are uncomfortable with, nothing changes.
Today the counselor asked them to be more specific about what they are uncomfortable with in regards to their dad, IN FRONT OF THEIR DAD!!!
I don’t have a degree in counseling, but for God’s Sake, I can even see the folly in that scenario.
As Will said, “DUH… Like I’m gonna say that in front of the martyr?”
I’m feeling bad for the kids. But what is the downside to them telling Mark what the problem is in front of the counselor? That he will get mad and pout and leave you alone??? Sounds like a bonus to me. :)
In some therapeutic circles, isn’t it desired that the victim confront the perpetrator with their crimes? I believe it’s supposed to provide a measure of healing or closure.
It’s my observation that if you’re continuing counseling in the hopes that Mark will change…it ain’t gonna happen. The best that a counselor can do IMHO is to help the kids understand and heal and to not take it personally.
I’m only speaking from my personal experience with therapy. Not a single person in my life changed after therapy, except for the most important one – me. It helped me heal my hurts and to grow up to be a functioning adult when I already was an adult. I’m not sure how it would work for the kids, but getting their frustration out sounds like a good good start.
I’m just putting this out there to spark some thoughts that I hope are helpful. Bless you all!
Donna,
If I had a buck for every time I’ve wished that the kids could be upfront with Mark, I’d be …..
I love your comment. So many excellent points.
I think the kids’ basic, human desire to ultimately be loved by their dad is the lizard brain that prevents them from being honest and expressing their hurts.
I picture them about to say something, they remember what his reaction will be, and the lizard’s scaly little hand slaps their mouths shut.
Will has told me several times, “It may work for grown ups to stand up to someone, but you can’t expect a 7 year old and an 11 year old to do that – especially when it’s their dad.”
I do see his point, but I always counter with, “Do you guys want to wait until you are 47 years old to learn to stick up for yourselves, or do you want to start now.”
And in an effort to emphasize your point about not getting others to change, I clearly can’t get my kids to change on the sticking-up-for-themselves point either.
I’m guessing that it just hasn’t gotten uncomfortable enough for them, yet.
Hard to believe, I know.
Thanks so much for this wonderful comment. My brain is rapidly churning on a new post based on your comment.
Wish I could link to your blog. *hint, hint*
This is just heartbreaking! I don’t know what to say except that I’m sorry for all that you and the kids are going through. You’re right that the kids have to learn to stand up for themselves but it can’t be forced. (I couldn’t “stand up” to my mom until a few years ago and still feel silly about the fact that it took me so long to just talk to her about things that happened YEARS ago).
The problem is that it puts you in the middle AND even if the kids stand up to him, he will read it as if YOU are making them say that stuff. Things will get better – even if it looks bleak and horrible right now. The kids will get older and more able to speak for themselves. If it gets unbearable (which seems likely at this rate), they will have to speak up to the judge so that they no longer have to go through this.
I agree with Donna – the best thing therapy can do for your kids is give them a place to vent and work through their own issues. That’s what my kids are doing and it seems to be helpful to them.
What is with Mark’s counselor though? She seems a bit nuts . . . which is troubling.
I hope things get better for you all soon!
Jessica,
Thanks for your kind words. If you saw my kids at this very moment, you’d see Jenny playing Barbies with her cousin Kelle, and Will laying on the couch watching ‘The Pink Panther’. They are happy little clams in our sweet little home. Will’s eyes aren’t blinking incessantly. Jenny has the sparkle in her eyes, and she’s having a blast teasing her cousin.
80 percent of the time they are happy, healthy, precocious, curious, amazing little people. But that 20 percent can suck the life right out of them. And we all know how resilient kids can be. It is that true happiness and contentment that I see, that tells me I’ve made the right decisions.
As far as the counselor goes, I’m not so sure that she’s a bit nuts (although I’ve had the same thoughts). I think she’s an example of another smart person who was charmed and manipulated by a narcissist.
Just like myself.