We were standing at the coffee bar in an independently owned bookstore. The bookstore was the center of what was a farmer’s market – lots of individual booths selling candles, handcrafts, chocolates and cookies, kites, sunglasses and other things you might think you want, but you’ve managed to live without up ‘til now. The air was filled with the happy Saturday buzz that comes from relaxed people who aren’t rushing to work or appointments.
We had been chatting about what new book we wanted to check out when the female barista came to take our drink order. He gave her his most engaging smile, and she seemed to melt under his gaze.
And for what seemed like the millionth time, I felt those familiar pangs. The strings attached to my heart were yanked, and I felt a palpable twinge – that twinge I get every time he smiles at someone (a woman) other than me. I stood there, watching their exchange, telling myself, “For God’s sake, he’s just ordering coffee. He’s not asking her to jump in the sack.”
But the pangs intensified.
I tried to talk my heart into relaxing. I tried to explain to my heart that a lifetime of insecurities has created this habit of flinching every time the person I love devotes attention to any female other than me.
It isn’t realistic to relocate to a deserted island. Could I even find a deserted island, with a bookstore, a coffee bar, and all male baristas?
I try to speak logically to my heart. I hear myself say, “He’s been by my side for these many years. He’s had every opportunity to leave and find someone else. He’s still here. He’s not looking. Let him order his damn coffee without giving him that look.”
And then I ask myself, “Do you trust him? Has he done anything to make you think you can’t trust him? Why do you think all men can’t be happy with one love? Why do you think every relationship comes to a point where the man leaves to find someone new?”
And then I heard a voice say, “Maybe you are the one who can’t be trusted? Is that really the root of all this?”
“Or are you hoping he’ll find someone else, so you don’t have to continue fearing rejection? Are you so convinced he’ll leave you that you create this tension to bring about what you think of as an inevitable conclusion?”
“Do you realize that you are sabotaging yourself and your relationship?”
“If you can’t learn to deal with your insecurities and your fears, you can’t possibly have a healthy relationship – with him, or anyone else.”
And so, while he was in the middle of ordering his cappuccino, I walked away.
I walked through the bookstore, out the other side and headed toward the parking lot. I didn’t browse the handmade bags or beaded jewelry. I didn’t stop for chocolates. I kept moving in the direction of the car.
A street separated the market from the parking lot. I stood at a booth that sold lemonade and bottled waters, while I waited for traffic to clear so I could cross the street. I was leaning against the booth when he came up behind me. He dropped a stack of books on the table next to me.
There were five books in the stack. I don’t remember the individual titles, but each book represented a specific topic: trust, respect, love, commitment, and overcoming insecurities.
I looked at the stack. It took a moment for the subject matters to register on my brain, and for my brain to get a memo off to my heart.
While I was still staring at the books, he quietly said, “If you keep running away, I can’t show you that you can trust me.”
He took off his ball cap, wrapped me in his arms, and tenderly kissed me.
And then I woke up.
Ohhhh….dream kisses are outstanding!! Yum…….