The attorney (that I will not be retaining) wondered if I’d considered asking Mark if there might be a way for us to resolve this situation without incurring ridiculous court costs. She wondered if there might be a way for us to agree on a parenting schedule.
I wanted to say, “What color is the sky in your world? Don’t you think we’ve tried that? Do you think I’m stupid? Do you think I have this kind of money to spend?”
But because I continue to try, and because it certainly wouldn’t make things worse to try one more time, I emailed Mark.
I told him I’d found an attorney. I told him that the attorney strongly suggested that we seek more counseling for the kids. She believes we need to get to the bottom of the allegations before determining a parenting plan. I asked if he thought there was a way we could do this outside of a court room.
Thirty hours later, I received an uncharacteristically short email from Mark that read, “Do what you need to do. I’ll do the same.”
What would you do?
Tags: child of narcissist, divorce, narcissism, narcissist behavior, narcissistic behavior, NPD, proactive
Jesse,
I would do whatever I had to do to keep it out of the court system. Going through the court process is not only financially draining. I think it takes a little piece of your soul. So if that bast**d is giving you a window to go an alternate route, I think you should jump through. Okay, bad analogy, but you know what I mean. It is in *his* best interest to keep it out of court, too, and he freakin’ well knows that. I’m sure he would rather not go to court.
If possible, I would not mention anything about this issue to Mark for as long as possible. I would just go ahead and “do what you need to do”, arrange more counseling, whatever would keep this out of court. And let Mark be the one to bring it up again. This latest drama that Mark created might all blow over again now that he has achieved his goal of causing a stir.
I think this approach would work with *my* N ex. But admittedly yours seems like a tougher nut to crack.
Good luck to you!
Reese,
You are absolutely right about Mark having to continually stir things up. Just like a lot of six year olds – bad attention is better than no attention.
I am banking on the fact that if he still has any wits about him, he’ll have realized that the last thing he wants for himself or his business is for any of this stuff to go public. Then again, I do remind myself that I’m not dealing with a person who thinks logically.
I can’t wait for the day when you and I can stop referring to ‘our’, ‘mine’, ‘my’ N(s).
What the Hell did he mean by that? He would do what you want? – You can do what you want and he will continue to be his usual self? Oh Gads… I’m so wishing that you can have some peace with all of this and at least some of it can be resolved. But with dealing with NPD, I don’t know if it will ever be. I’m sending you a beautiful day and calm breezes…. xoxo
Annie,
I don’t have a clue what he means. I’m trying not to read between the lines, but he didn’t write enough to tell me anything.
And perhaps that was exactly what he hoped to do – keep stirring, keep controlling, keep frightening.
Save some of the calm breezes for yourself, dear. Stock pile them for when you need ’em next week. ;)
Here is my action plan suggestions:
1- Keep the email.
2- Make a copy of it, and on it write what you think is the best for you and the kids.
3- Keep copy handy for when he ‘starts’…
4- When asked questions by him or any attorneys, act and sound extremely disingenuous (like a stereo-typical dumb blond), and say “I took him at his word”, while waving the paper in their face.
5- In the mean time, continue locating resources and people that can back you up, in court if necessary.
6- The next time an attorney doesn’t call you back quickly, that may be a sign from the Universe that they are not going to be in your best interest.
7- Get a book called “Zero Limits” by Joe Vitale. In it, he shares a VERY simple process (even kids can do it) called Ho’oponopono, which is healing and has created miracles in the lives of the people that use it. I use it every day, and it is amazing what happens.
The shifts aren’t generally huge, like the earth turning upside down, but they are powerful nonetheless.
Loving you all!!
Donna,
Love this one! (Don’t I love them all?)
I keep a copy of every email, record every phone call and each visit. (Tedious, but may cover my butt some day.)
As much as I think it would be amazing to “take off the gloves”, I think it’s best – really for myself and all involved – to not do that unless backed into a corner. Your approach (Just like Reese’s approach) avoids the drama and negativity of the attack approach. When I think of an attack, my gut tells me that is a really bad idea.
I’ve heard of that book. I like small steps – doesn’t this blog prove that? I’m on it. Might as well order the M. Scott Peck book that I’m afraid of, too.
Sending love and Gerbera Daisies.
You will probably be able to check out the Peck book from your local library to see if it is something you want to keep. Save your money for a good wine – the holidays are roaring up.
If you are backed into a corner, then that might be the right time to pull off the gloves. Trust those gut feelings – I ignored mine back in April and it’s just been fricked since then. I think I put myself in a new time line based on that one decision.
Small (subtle) steps can be incredibly powerful.
Oh, I love me some gerberas! Thanks! :)
Donna,
Good on ya, about the library. It’s on the calendar (going to the library) for Wed., as it is. Something about that book makes me think I need to read it, but I may not want to keep it in the house. (?)
My gut never fails me, if I just remember to listen.