“Clean up this mess! How can we expect to have people over if this is what this place looks like? Are we Pigs, here? Can’t we put some order to this place?”
That is not what I said. It is what I have thought. I’m careful to not call it a ‘mess’, or ‘junk’. I know she loves all her stuff.
Yes, it makes me crazy.
I can be heard saying, “Okay, I’ve had enough. We need to find where this stuff lives. It’s my house, too. I love that you feel comfortable enough to explore, create, play and be, but at some point, I want to walk through the living room.”
I am done making excuses to friends.
Our ‘real’ friends know what to expect. They know that our ‘mess’ is really about creative play, cooking and science experiments, never-ending craft projects, Tech Deck ramps, Barbie villages, stuffed animal classrooms and pillow-stuffing clouds hanging from the ceiling.
Is this a mess? Or is this an 8 year old girl’s attempt to make sense out of life. Is this how she envisions a happy little town, where people are allowed to be who they are, dress how they want, and have as many pets as their little heart desires? Does this ‘mess’ allow her to exercise complete control in one part of her life, when it quite possibly feels like she has so little control in other areas of her life?
“You’re too young to handle an axe. I need to be watching every chop. You have to have adult supervision while you handle an axe. Shouldn’t you/can’t you enjoy being a child?”
Or is this a 12 year old boy’s attempt at showing the world how tough he is, that he’s a man, that he can be trusted, that he’s earned the right to wield an axe? He has studied under his grandfather. He practices the correct stance and the proper safety techniques.
Chopping is a way to vent his frustrations.
He doesn’t need his mommy out there telling him to be careful.
(I only ask that he chop where I can see him from inside the house. Occasionally, I go out to cheer him on. I peek through the window constantly. I have 911 on speed dial.)
He needs to be acknowledged for his strength and his contribution to the family.
He doesn’t need to be told how to do it faster or better.
If you walked in our front door, you might gasp at what you perceive to be a gigantic mess of toys and dolls, books, art supplies, stuffed animals and skater dude/golfer paraphernalia.
I perceive these things as survival tools for Jen and Will.
I want them to be – and live – in this safe haven in a way that allows them to express their hurts and frustrations and ultimately, their creativity.
They are putting some order into their dis-ordered world.
It’s their house, too.
Tags: child of narcissist, life, love, narcissism, narcissist behavior, narcissistic behavior, NPD, proactive, survive
I say as long there are no rodents or unplanned science experiments living in the house–let them be who they want to be. As you said, your real friends will know the situation, embrace the situation and most likely join in if the mood hits them. As Moms we all “suck in a lot of air” watching our little ones spread their wings and tackle new tasks/adventures. As kids I think they know they are safe in doing these things because we will always be there to catch them or praise them as needed.
Debbie,
You walk that path SO well. And your amazing kids are testaments to your approach to parenting.
Yup.. your “real” friends consider your home a safe haven for them as well, and as Debbie said, we “join in” regularly. Thanks for creating this awesome place for your kids and us!!!
Dee,
I know Jen prefers doing science experiments with you.
The door is always open for you and yours.
Actually, I might gasp at how cool everything looks and just want to sit down and play!!
Love the pics!
Your kids will remember that you ‘allowed’ them to be them x
Hi Tina,
I got a little teary when reading your comment.
That’s really all any of us wants, isn’t it – to be allowed to be who we are.
Thanks for finding us and commenting.