I never got the hang of water skiing. I tried. I only ever managed to cling to the rope while I was drug around the lake, ending up with extra long arms to prove how hard I tried.
I’ve kayaked once, canoed a few times, and rafted more times than I care to mention.
I’m more the lazy canoe or solo kayak type.
Perhaps I am a control freak, or maybe it’s just that I don’t like being spilled over the edge of some rubber flotation device, forced to drink a gallon of river plankton, while scraping the flesh off my shins, all by noon.
I thought of my relationship to water when I took my kids down by the river yesterday to do a little fresh air home schooling.
On this stellar, Fall day, there wasn’t a hint of a breeze to mess with the surface of the water. I closed my eyes, smelled the scent of Autumn with its curly, dried leaves and crisp air.
I had this vision of the three of us paddling a canoe.
I could see the gentle arc of the paddle as it sliced through the stillness of the river. Each time the paddles entered, they left lacy ripples that quietly dispersed at the end of the canoe. When the paddles came up to ready for another plunge, we could hear the drips of water falling back to join the river.
So calm.
So peaceful.
So temporary.
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I’d recently been wondering if this blog makes me look like a person who thrives on chaos. How come some of the posts sound like I’m on top of the world, all ready to embrace a new chapter, exhaling with the confidence of a dragon slayer?
Other posts make it sound like I’m staying in bed all day, wailing with my head under the covers.
Then I wondered if other people’s lives are as volatile. I know some who need the stimulation of chaos – the constant drama. I can’t function with that kind of turmoil. Yet, to you, maybe it looks like I bring this on myself. Maybe it looks to you like I want my life to always be about shooting rapids.
Yeah, maybe she likes the roller coaster so she’ll have something to write about.
Maybe you think I give lip-service to health, harmony and creativity.
Yesterday, when I was standing on the bank of the river, envisioning the three of us sitting in a canoe as it sliced through the water, I realized that I find myself always looking for – and enjoying – the mirror-like waters of a calm day.
About the time the three of us are paddling along, minding our own business, a wicked river shark (that takes the form of my narcissistic ex-husband) swims up behind us and starts rocking the boat.
Sometimes he rocks the boat hard enough that one of us gets tossed into the current. Most times, he gives the boat a good shake, and we manage to paddle faster to get away from him.
We steer clear of the rapids on purpose. We aren’t intentionally heading out to look for the rough current.
I grow and thrive better without fear. I know this is true for my kids.
We aren’t looking for the danger, but we do find our own excitement to spice things up from time to time. The difference is, we pick the faster current that appeals to us. We won’t do well in a canoe, if forced down some Class fives, against our will.
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Wednesday marked two straight weeks of calm waters. The paddling is easy. The scenery is gorgeous.
We’re wearing life jackets.
Tags: child of narcissist, divorce, life, narcissism, narcissist behavior, narcissistic behavior, NPD, survive
I think you just need to bonk him in the head with a paddle. That should do it!
:)
Donna!
Love that!
How come I didn’t think of that?
I’m too busy trying to get away, to launch an attack!
I’m sure that wouldn’t be considered an attack, but purely self-defense!
Kate,
I like the way you think. ;)
I never thought of you as a person who thrived on chaos. If you liked a volatile life, you could have simply stayed in your marriage! Your trouble is that your ex very much likes to cause a stir, to get the attention focused on HIM. And you can’t voluntarily go “no contact” because there are little people involved!
I am so glad you’ve had a little respite! I’m praying that it lasts!
Reese,
That’s funny – my ex was notorious for accusing me of thriving on chaos. And I’d always say, “If I loved chaos, I’d have stayed married.”
Chaos was brought about each and every time I didn’t source him quickly enough. If I made plans with my extended family *gasp* the chaos would begin. Any time I tried to do something that would take the spotlight off of him, there would be chaos.
Yes! We are SO enjoying the calm right now.