When I forget what I know, I give more chances, hope things will change, set us up for more hurts and disappointments.
I know the history.
I know the truth.
I get lazy and don’t want to have to maintain the boundaries on a daily basis.
I tend to act from feelings rather than what I know. The feelings tell me that we could have this fantasy life, where we all get along.
I know better.
Tags: child of narcissist, divorce, narcissist behavior, NPD, survive
It does take self-discipline to maintain boundaries. It’s something you practice everyday.
Until, one day you realize that you built up your boundary muscles, and there is no effort involved.
So STOP beating yourself up.
You have come a long way in a short time. Keep up the good work.
Donna,
Thank you, I needed that reminder of the progress we’ve made.
Happy Thanksgiving to you and yours, friend.
It is the eternal optimist and giving heart in you that always shines through and you are always trying to give “just one more chance”. It’s just who you are and have been for years. Trust me I know this from our decades of friendship:) and yes I said decades!
I, too, am with Donna. You have come so far and done great things for you and the kids–don’t let it get you down now.
A huge hug from the east coast and have a wonderful Turkey Day–gobble, gobble.
Hey!
Happy Thanksgiving to you and your wonderful bunch, too.
I guess I’ve always given chances, cuz I hope I’ll always get another chance. You’re damn good at giving and giving, too. Guess that’s why we’ve made it for the long haul.
I still love you even after the ‘decades’ comment. ;)
Warm hugs back to you.
Wow. You don’t know me. I stumbled on your site and find myself with chills from your post above. This is my struggle, too.
It is so hard some days to remember why the boundaries are there. To walk away from the fantasy of what could have been. I will return here to read your words again – to remind myself that I know the truth next time I start to forget.
Caitlin,
Hello and welcome. Glad you commented.
For a long time, I thought that all I had to do was set up the boundaries. Don’t know why it wasn’t obvious to me that I also had to maintain them.
I’ll remind you, if you remind me.
Deal?
Jesse
Deal! It is so easy to be sucked back in…. and the slope is SO slippery.
I’m also realizing that I am much luckier than I realized – for me it is a viable option to cut all contact.
Have a wonderful Thanksgiving! I’ll be back to read more when I am not at work, but I just needed to tell you how much your post resonated with me.
Caitlin,
Sounds like you are in the driver’s seat. That’s a good thing.
I’m glad the post touched you.
Happy Thanksgiving!
One thing that just occurred to me about this post:
It’s one thing to trust someone who has earned your trust.
It’s quite another to trust someone who has betrayed that trust time and again.
You get to choose whom you let into your heart and trust.
Donna,
Wow. When you put it that way, it really drives the point home.
And… I’m a little embarrassed that I’m so ready to trust, when there has NEVER been any indication that I should trust.
I wonder if that’s more of an indication that I want to show to the world that I really wouldn’t fall for such a guy. That really, there must be some inner goodness there.
some where ….
But, no.
And that’s why I’m embarrassed.
I believe there is good in everyone.
However, trust, like respect has to be earned…I don’t care who you are: parent, pope or president.
You might have ‘mushy’ boundaries. He might, on some spiritual level, be helping you learn how to set them in a healthy way.
I don’t think you need to be embarrassed about being loving and trusting.
But don’t let the embarrassment of being in the middle of learning a lesson override your extraordinarily good common sense.
Donna,
Your comments almost always give me goosebumps. Seriously… “parent, pope or president…” That’s brilliant, and so dang true.
I would liken my boundaries to pea soup. So, yes… work needs to be done there.
But, I gotta think that I’m heading in the right direction.
Add to that the fact that I’m surrounded by amazingly bright, talented and wise folks (YOU) … I figure I’m doing something right.
Thank you… again. ;)
Donna, I wish I knew you. I think I would — no I KNOW I would — like you a lot. You have such wisdom.
And Jesse, even pea soup can be made thicker. It’s a matter of finding the right thickening agent. Sorry . . . I’m outta the kitchen these days. Can’t give you any hints.
Pat,
Yes, you two would really hit it off.
I’ll Google thickening agents. ;)
Aww…wow! I got goosebumps from your lovely comments, Pat and Jesse.
I’m quite sure that we would get along splendidly. But IMHO, any friend of Jesse’s is a friend of mine. So, darn glad to know you! :)
Seriously, thanks for the comments…my heart is just enjoying the warm fuzzy.
Donna,
;) (That was a warmer version of that emoticon, btw.)