Surviving Narcissism Exploring life after marriage to a narcissist. Learning and thriving by sharing our story. – Jesse Blayne

Will is a compassionate fellow with a tender, sensitive side and a fearless streak that makes him charge down ski hills at a speed that launches him into powder and shrubs and stuff that he can’t see.  Occasionally he checks out the landing before he jumps, but not always.

He’s like a lot of twelve year old boys  in that he’s fascinated with the unknown, the risky, the adventurous and the slightly scary.  Kids thrive within the safety of boundaries – set rules of behavior, established bed times, and defined expectations.  That’s why they find it exciting to step just beyond those boundaries once in awhile.  It’s thrilling to tempt fate, stay up late, skip school one day or ski out of bounds and brag to your friends.

When a child has a parent who doesn’t stand firm on boundaries, that child will have a tendency to feel untethered.  There will be a need to talk about boundaries.  He’ll have to ask and be reassured that the boundaries haven’t changed.  That kid’s foundation is tilted.  They don’t have a secure knowledge that they truly know where the lines are drawn.

It’s okay to discuss the latest slasher film on the chairlift with a buddy, when at the end of the day, that kid goes home with a parent who reassures him that he is safe and protected, and that the doors are locked and the bad guys can’t get him.

It is not okay to have your dad tell horror stories in the car as the day comes to a close on the way home, only to drop you off and say, “Hey, Buddy, I’ll tell you more scary stories next time.”

The child of that father doesn’t feel safe no matter that the doors are locked, the blinds are pulled and the radio is on to drown out the scary sounds of a quiet house.

__________

I look over at Jenny and find her close to tears.  My first question, “Did Will say something to bug you?”  We do spend the whole day together, and we do get on each others nerves.  When she says, “No, Will didn’t do anything,”  I try, “Are you tired or hungry?”

“What’s wrong, honey?”

She looks down and says, “It’s just dad.  He never says I’m pretty.  He never says I ski well or do anything well, but he tells me stories of things that other people do well.”

“Honey, when I look at you I see beautiful blue eyes and long lashes, and gorgeous blond hair and a pretty smile.   I get to start every day by seeing my two cute kids.  Your dad is an idiot for not telling you that you are pretty.”  And as I try to comfort her, I know that I cannot fill that void.  She needs to hear those things from her dad.

At this point, Will chimes in and says, “Yeah, Jen, you are a pretty girl.”

It’s not the same coming from your mom or your brother.

__________

I read the articles that say children from divorced homes are healthier and more well-adjusted.  No one can convince me that my children would have been better off if I had stayed married to a man that enjoys scaring the shit out of his son, belittles his daughter and intentionally ignores her charms.

I don’t know if my daughter will spend her life looking to men to fill the void left by a self-involved father.

I don’t know if my son will have to continually test the boundaries because his father found some sort of sick pleasure in leaving him vulnerable and exposed.

I can only do my best to compensate for what they aren’t receiving from their dad.

The smartest thing for me to do is minimize the contact they have with their dad, and hopefully minimize the damage he causes.

Ships sail the world just fine with only one rudder.