When he told her he liked her hair longer and that her face looked too full with a shorter cut, she got up the courage to tell him that his comment had hurt her feelings.
He reframed the incident by gently reminding her that she was far to0 sensitive and that he was just trying to help.
When he got home from work and commented that she must have had one crazy day since she hadn’t found time to clean the floors, she tried to defend herself. She explained that she’d been folding clothes, changing diapers, feeding children and preparing dinner and that she hadn’t found the time to get to the floors.
He reframed the conversation and pointed out that dinner would be more enjoyable if the floors were clean.
She found a way to tell him that their relationship would be stronger if he would try to be more attentive.
He reframed and told her she was too needy, and that their relationship would be stronger if she could find a way to get her needs met elsewhere.
She looked up from her plate of Chicken and Broccoli Fettuccine at the man she’d been with for the last 23 years. Would he ever really see her? Would he ever speak to her in a language she might understand?
She took another bite, and reframed. She decided that at least he didn’t beat her or gamble or cheat or play golf every Sunday. It could be much worse.
He refilled her glass of wine and took a sip of his own, wondering if she’d ever find anything that he managed to do right.
He took another sip and reframed. At least she was loyal, a decent cook and she let him golf every Sunday.
She beat herself up for never managing to keep the house clean.
She reframed when she heard the kids laughing over the projects they were working on at the kitchen.
Her kids feel unloved and neglected by their father. They wonder if they’ve done something to displease him.
She reframes and reminds them that they have done nothing wrong. She explains that this is the way their father loves them, it has nothing to do with who they are.
She isn’t organized enough and doesn’t have the money to enroll her kids in lots of lessons or camps.
She reframes and notices that they do quite well with what they have and her kids have mastered the art of finding out how to entertain themselves.
She feels a constant pressure to be other than who she truly is. The pressure leads to disharmony and dis-ease.
She reframes and realizes she’s been investing her time and energy in pleasing another and shortchanging herself.
_____
Reframing kept me in a bad relationship for far too long. I failed to see the situation for what it truly was by putting a “happy” spin on it.
Reframing allows me to see my weaknesses in a new light. Where others may see a weakness, I see a strength.
Reframing is a tool I use to help my kids in their relationship with their father.
Reframing allows me to step back and look at relationships in a new light.
Reframing gives me a choice.
Are you reframing a situation that keeps you where you don’t want to be?
Could you reframe a situation for yourself, or a loved one, that turns that situation from negative to positive?
Tags: child of narcissist, divorce, in search of self, marriage, narcissism, narcissist behavior, narcissistic behavior, NPD, survive
Dear Jesse,
This reminds me so much of myself! It’s such murky territory. It reminds me of how Luke Skywalker had to turn off the guidance systems in his fighter to trust the Force to guide him. That’s the only way I can tell when I am using reframing in the right way–by letting the Force/intuition/me/heart guide me.
For years, I used what I thought was reframing to avoid confrontation. I’d explain away another’s rudeness or bad behavior by trying to compensate by increasing my effort. The proportion of my contribution kept getting higher and always went unnoticed.
As I’ve learned to trust myself and honor my feelings, needs, desires, and to hold my boundaries, I’ve begun to step up to confrontation, and to let go of trying to control the outcome.
When I use reframing to pull myself out of a story I’ve made up about someone else (or myself), then it can be a very useful exercise.
Thank you for this story and this question.
xxoo,
a
Alyson,
First, and perhaps more importantly, I wanted to marry Luke when I was 15. Okay, not marry, so much as hang out with – a lot. The thoughts of The Force are never far from my mind.
Second, I, too, used reframing to avoid confrontation. It became an art form – not a particularly healthy art form, however. As I’ve gotten older, I’ve noticed something interesting: the energy that comes from entering into a confrontation (with grace and tact) is better than the energy that comes from avoiding a confrontation.
Who knew?
Thanks for the fine comment.
Wanna meet in a garden some where?
Yes. Villandry is on my list.
I was reframing today. I kept saying, “It’s not worth responding.” I was angry at what he said, his perpetual projection of fault. So, after reading this, I reframed it again and with tact and grace, I defended myself and stood my ground. It DOES feel better. The thing is: I know this, but I still instantly avoid the confrontation. However, the temporary silence allows it to formulate a much better response than the initial reaction.
Thank you for posting just what I needed this afternoon.
Alyson,
Wow. I Googled Villandry.
wow…
Zaira,
That groove in the brain is made deep from years of avoiding confrontation.
I have the same groove.
Sometimes I have to remind myself that I can control when I respond. I don’t have to respond immediately. If I wait, my head clears a bit, and my response is usually (not always) more tactful.
I’m glad this post helped you today.
Ironically, I had to take a double-dose of my own medicine. The Universe, with its wicked sense of humor, sent me (via Mark) a word salad email today. He’s at my house at this very moment, “interacting” with the kids. I’ve not responded to his email, yet.
Too busy reframing. Thinking of something from the Baroque Period. That might be suitable for camoflouging a big pile of crap.
p.s. Don’t you marvel at how good they are at projection?
Last night I wrote down everything for which I was being blamed while he thought he was blasting me. Somehow I’ve practiced this confrontation often enough with C to be able to see so very clearly that all of the things on the list (holding him back, keeping him from going after his dreams) are things he is doing to himself. Fascinating! Keep practicing–the view from this place is amazing!
Alyson,
Oh! I hope you burned that list. (see: The Filing Cabinet!)
Masters at projection, aren’t they?
The projection is maddening. It amazes me that they think if it comes out of their mouth, it is truth! I am glad my brain pathway ends up in a different place now. Even though it heads down the same path, there is a new fork in the road and even if I have to back up to get there, I get there!
Alyson, it is so fascinating! I too wrote down the laundry list….I am boring, I have no goals, I hold him back, I discourage him when I mock his fantasies (he called them goals), and the biggest one…I don’t support him. HA! Well, they are still in my multiple journals, but I don’t revisit them. I did, when I needed the reminder that first year we split, but once the dust settled there was no need to. I hope you at least tucked it away. Hurt revisited is just as painful as the first time.
I don’t know if I can ever express my gratitude enough for you all being here, sharing and listening. It saves me $100 a session! Lol…
Zaira,
I love how you described going down the same pathway, and then taking that new fork. Great analogy!
I know what you mean about saving money on counseling. I look at the things I put that money toward – flowers, paints, the occasional bottle of wine, fishing tackle and a new pole for Jenny, Arizona Tea and a filet knife for Will.
Thank you all for reading and sharing.