… I reflect on the events that happened right before I decided to leave my marriage. Obviously, as in any marriage that is on the verge of crumbling, there were many issues. Everyone has their own last straw. Mine will not be yours. Your last straw will look completely different from another person’s last straw.
In fact, I’m convinced that we don’t know when that last straw is approaching. We get so busy putting up and shutting up, that we don’t see that the scale has been tipped.
The scale was off balance long ago and we are so busy keeping the peace, scrubbing the floors, making the apologies and hiding the toys, that we don’t notice that nothing more can be added to the scale.
That’s why the last straw is often infinitesimally small. The last straw could be a sideways glance, a pair of dirty socks left on the bedroom floor, or an off-handed comment about the way the chicken was prepared for last night’s dinner.
I didn’t see my last straw coming.
To this day, I marvel at the smallness of the infraction.
But, take many small infractions over years of disappointment and resentment and failed expectations and bars raised too high, and suddenly I met my last straw.
We were sitting at the dinner table with Will and Jenny and my husband’s older kids from his previous marriage. Over messy burgers, fruit salad, Domestic Beers and spilled Kool-Aid we had the disjointed kind of conversation that families have – the kind where you laugh and try to interject something and miss the beat and it just doesn’t matter because after dinner you’ll go outside and eat popsicles and play Bocce Ball.
Somewhere during that conversation, the patriarch – the man of the house, the provider, the role model, the man whose job it is to make us feel loved and welcomed and safe – got up from the table, mid-bite, and walked upstairs.
(He later told me he was tired of the conversation. He was sick of the boring exchange. We simply no longer interested him.)
His oldest son glanced at me with a look that said, “What did I say that he didn’t like?” Later, when we cleaned the kitchen together, the oldest told me his father often did that – left the dinner table – when he and his brother lived with Mark. I thought he only did that with his new family.
I came up with a feeble excuse about how dad is tired from work, or dad isn’t feeling well.
But that night, his getting up and leaving his family sitting at the table, still eating their dinners, was my last straw.
After years of seeing the lack of spirit, the inability to make a decision, and the fear of disappointing their father – in these two older children – I realized that by staying in this marriage, I would be letting history repeat itself.
I couldn’t save his oldest kids.
I could try to save mine.
Seeing My Path is an ebook that tells the ongoing conversation I’ve been having with myself, and the questions I ask. It’s a look at how I ended up marrying a narcissist, how I got out of the marriage, and what I’m doing to try to get back on my own path.
Tags: child of narcissist, divorce, in search of self, marriage, narcissism, narcissist behavior, narcissistic behavior, NPD, survive
Absolutely can’t wait!
Yay!!!! For walking out – and for nearly finishing the book. I’m proud of you!
I can’t wait for the whole thing! Thanks for the teaser.
I think of a scale. We attempt to balance each event trying to make sense of every remark, every action. It’s easy in the moment to dismiss someone’s actions and what they say. It is however, a slow build up. Deep down we internalize every dig, every rude gesture, or at least I did. After really examining the situation with new lens, you do realize you are not to blame. You realize you are not deserving of such harshness. Eventually one side of your scale becomes unbalanced and tips over, and you reach your last straw.
You are very right about how something so small ignites that spark within us.
Congrats, Jesse, on the ebook. I so can not wait to relish in your book. Thanks for sharing your narrative with us.
Pat,
Thanks so much for proofreading.
Your encouragement means the world to me.
Kira,
As I was growing up, I was continually told that I was too sensitive. Then, when I heard the same thing in my relationships, I figured I needed to develop a tougher skin to better handle the hurts and slights.
It never occurred to me, until very recently, that it’s not about developing a tougher skin, it’s about not accepting poor treatment.
Wish I’d known that many years ago.
That’s one of the things I try to relay to my kids.
Thanks for the encouragement.
Well you know that now, and that’s what’s important :). We Learn by life experiences, and unfortunately, some of those experiences are tough and painful.
Your children will not only be incredibly loved, but will be greatly prepared, based on how you share and teach them.
Kira,
Thanks for that.
I hope you are planning to join us on the Thrive-rs Tea Party Tour.
It wouldn’t be the same without you. ;)
You are too sweet :), would love to know more about it!!
Kira,
The “plan” was hatched in the comments of “The Dresses” post.
It’s a dream, but you never know…
That’s the great thing about a concept, an idea, a dream… There is always an opportunity for it to be realized – reality!! That would be great indeed. I am eagerly anticipating an invite :). I think this plan is definitely worth pursuing :)
Sounds like it’s going to be powerful stuff. Simply can’t wait. Thanks for sharing, connecting and networking!
Kira,
If many are hoping/wishing/planning on the same thing – Thrive-rs Tour – the chances of it becoming a reality are greater.
Dontcha think?
I’m jazzed about the possibility!
Anel,
Thanks for commenting.
My kids got a real kick out of your suggestion that my pseudonym makes me sound like an outlaw. Getting some serious mileage out of that!
Thx! ;)
I definitely think so!! I am more than floored by the possibility :). I know it would be an endless day filled with great people, great conversation, and sheer fun. It will be a reality indeed :).
My last straw: We had finished dinner at the restaurant on our 12th anniversary and were taking a walk along the river front. Hhe said to me, “I don’t want to work this hard at marriage. I think you should leave.” For once I agreed with him.
Oh, I had it easy you might say, but the girls were 9 and 6 and I had years more of having to put up with him for their sakes.
Now, I do have it easy because the girls are grown and each have formed relationships with him on their own terms. I no longer have any reason to mediate. Halleluja!
Kira,
I’m glad you’re on board. ;)
Alyson,
That is a classic example of how ‘they’ dismiss us.
I heard Mark say to employees, “I’m done with you. You don’t serve any purpose here.”
I don’t think you had it easy. How is it to be married for 12 years only to be dismissed?
For me? 10 years to go. *hangs on by fingernails*
Jesse,
This is good–very good–very poignant. I have used “last straw” in describing the events that led to the end of my marriage.
I came to a point of pain that caused me to take steps I never dreamed I would have to take in my life. It is very difficult to see one’s marriage spiraling downward and not be able to stop it. You help put words to such experiences, and words can heal and help others know they are not alone.
Thank you so much for writing!
Be well . . .
The part of the story I didn’t include was that he had no memory of ever having told me to go. But none of you are surprised by that.
Lynn,
I hope you realize that your sharing in these comments helps others, too.
Thank you. ;)
Alyson,
I’m so glad you added that.
Of course he doesn’t remember. How convenient.
No… I’m not at all surprised. He’s true to form.
Thanks Jesse,
I think we can all help each other–just knowing we are not alone in this kind of struggle is huge!! You do write beautifully!
Be well . . .
Funny how similar points of the narcissist occurred at the same time. (see comments on Write It Down) They aren’t very unique (as they would like to believe) now are they?
Jesse, what Mark said to his employee is what my ex has done so many times with family, friends, my son when he realized he was not in control of him completely anymore, and me. After we separated and I finally told him it was over for good and he could stop ‘trying’ with me, he said, “ok. when are we getting divorced?” No emotion, he actually tried to distantly comfort me while I was upset. His cold reaction actually comforted me more than the fake pat on the back. In the midst of flowers, dinners, positive interaction, I knew I had made the right decision.
Lynn,
Thank you. It still is such a pleasant surprise to see kind words about my writing.
;)
Zaira,
Every one of their actions seems calculated. I imagine their thought process to be something like:
1.) I’ll perform this way to guarantee X amount of sourcing.
2.) If I don’t receive the necessary amount of sourcing, I will move on to a new source.
Hence the complete lack of empathy. It’s all so inhuman.
Sometimes I think it is so automated that it is just their brain pathway. They are unable and unwilling to put a fork in the road because there is no bump or curve big enough to slow the righteousness down.
NPD Association made this statement, “If such a person is difficult for a trained psychiatrist to handle, then it may be no wonder that individuals can encounter difficulties with these types of people.”
Zaira,
I love that – “slow the righteousness down.”
I recall – many times – feeling like I’d just been steamrolled by a very self-righteous attitude.
My only comment is… Couldn’t the NPD Assoc. come up with a more accurate word than difficulties?
Jesse,
Speaking of “inhuman” my ex would never use my name and would use nicknames I did not like. The not using a name strikes me as very dehumanizing.
I wonder if other spouses have had a similar experience.
Just wondering . . .
Lynn,
My ex would speak to me in very patronizing tones, and over-enunciate my name – kinda like a teacher might address a six year old when trying to get their attention.
Interesting about using pet names. I have to think he was intentionally pushing buttons with that.
Anyone else want to chime in on pet names?
Yeah, “difficulties” should be replaced with “torture”.
Mine tried to soothe everything over with my nickname. Like if he used that term, it must be endearing so I MUST obey. Now, since I did not change my name after the divorce (too much hassle and I don’t associate it with him anyway), he has changed it for me and informed our son that my name is not the same as his. ballsy!
Oh, the patronization! That infuriates me the most, even now.
Zaira,
The other thing I despise – the condescension.
Oh. That gets me every time.
It’s right in line with they are superior and are above us mere mortals, therefore, whatever they say, do, think is right. hmph!
When I look for advice on how to handle them, I find a lot of talk about learning how to address them and their behavior as to not provoke them. My problem with that is it is detrimental to yourself. I don’t think you can live with someone with severe NPD and distance yourself enough to survive.
This week, he has been demanding. “FIX IT NOW!” he writes (because that is the only way he can communicate with me). As if I can fix other people, I tried with him for 10 years.
Zaira,
Yes, so much of what I’ve read basically says – bad paraphrasing here – “walk around on egg shells; don’t make waves; enjoy the role of doormat; make nice; put a happy spin on things; accommodate and all will be well.”
Those articles never talk about how silencing yourself manifests in a myriad of mental and physical health issues.
“FIX IT NOW, Puppet! Do as I command. MY WILL BE DONE!”
My other favorite quote from Mark, “You aren’t behaving in a way that is helping us. I think the problem boils down to the fact that I don’t have enough control here.”
Here are some sadly memorable but hopefully soon forgettable quotes:
“You know I do better when things are presented as my idea.” “You know I do not like to be told what to do.”
“This would not have to go on so long if you would do . . .”
“I am disappointed in you.” “I am embarassed by your attitude.” “What craziness is in your head.” on and on . . .
I am relieved to be away from these words–so relieved.
Lynn,
I am SO relieved for you, too.
I never cease to be amazed at the commonalities. It’s as if all the Ns have been handed the same script.
Just reading those quotes stirs up that old feeling in my stomach – the one that was my signal to jump higher, perform better, act faster or fix a mess that he suggested that I made.
Hi all,
I just came across this site and I’m hoping you can help me. I don’t know if I have just married a man with NPD but I do know he can be controlling (just read a book on it control issues). I want to tell you a few things and then I’d love your feedback.
My new husband (will call him NH for short) cannot seem to get along with my 7 year old son. He will do okay for a while but now I’m starting to see that he always reverts back to being what I see as a controlling bully. He yells at him and talks SO condescendingly to him and yet he lets his own kids get away with so much more – like lying to his face and he won’t even give them any discipline or moral structure. He gets more angry if my son chews with his mouth open then when his daughter or son lie right to his face and he catches them! When his kids lie to him he just gets quiet but then my son will forget a wet towel on the floor and when my son says, “oh, I was going to pick that up” he will say “Oh yeah, right, nice try!” in a very loud and condescending voice. Then my son will say this hurt his feelings because how would NH KNOW his mind?! When I tell NH privately he has no right to tell someone what their intentions are he tells me I am babying my son. I have NEVER once treated either one of his kids disrespectfully even when they refuse to do their dishes, pick up after themselves (NH does it for them) or when they lie to my face…yet if my son’s elbows are on the table you’d think he’d had committed the biggest sin! This man has his priorities so backwards –at least to how I was raised, for what that is worth. My NH has what seems like ZERO amount of empathy for my son as he will yell at him until he is sobbing and he still doesn’t stop! He doesn’t care that he is traumatizing him and it makes me so angry and sick and I want to run away with my son but I don’t believe in divorce. Yet I want to protect my son more than anything!!! It pains me to see any child abused. I would stick up for his kids, too, and have on the rare occasion he has blown up at them. I actually do my best to treat his kids equally and all I ask is that he do the same. Then he’ll say that he doesn’t have the “warm and fuzzies” for my son. OMG! As if my son or any child is there for his benefit. Aren’t we as parents (AND STEP PARENTS) supposed to be there for the childrens’ benefit? I am certainly not looking for his kids to give ME the warm and fuzzies and I am often sickened by how spoiled and ungrateful they are but I keep my damn mouth shut to them and him. Yet NH seems to think he has every right to throw his sickness around. One time my son got up after I had put him to bed because he had to go to the bathroom (he has been to the doctors for stop/start issues with peeing so this is a medical issue I have been trying to get to the bottom of). NH went running into the bathroom as my son was finishing peeing and since NH didn’t see any pee he started screaming, “You don’t really have to go, it’s just an excuse!” My son was saying through sobs, “I did go!” and NH was saying “No you didn’t” and my son (God love him) has told NH that he has no right to tell him he feels or what he is thinking because that is between him and God. I jumped in the middle again and defended my child because I have never seen such a sick display. Can you imagine if I ran into the bathroom while his 13 year old daughter or 12 year old son was peeing and watched between their legs for signs of pee and started raving like a lunatic!! This is a man that runs a business and his family thinks has been such a victim in his past 3 marriages and I just want to tell them how he really behaves behind closed doors! He has told everyone that his past wives were too controlling! LOL, wow. I am realizing it’s just that they were trying to assert themselves as he says he doesn’t like not being in control. He doesn’t seem to get the partnership part. Anyhow, I was so proud of my son for saying that and as I said I am always sticking up for him because he is seven years old and really a good kid who loves God and the truth and really tries so hard to please. But then we are accused of him being a Momma’s boy. I read so much that says you should show a united front but how can you be united with sheer craziness and abuse? Of course, I kick myself for not seeing the signs earlier and I feel so guilty for getting my son involved in this mess. His own dad was a nut, too, and I thought I was doing better this time around but I guess I still did not learn a lesson. Why did I go into denial? I can’t see to accept that some people REALLY ARE this evil?? I mean Hitler existed, right? Why can’t I accept that people can be mean? (crying now…know I’ve hit on something…just want to believe the world and the people in it are good because I spend sooo much time working on myself and trying to do the right thing, be a good Christian, treat others as I would like, etc….just can’t seem to accept that others don’t do this…NH is sitting out on the dock all smug with himself and feeling like HE is the victim against a seven year old. My son acts more adult than he does! Sorry, I’ve rambled here. What can I do? I’ve played the “lets’ not upset him” game like you all mention but it feels sickening and I don’t want to teach my son that this is an okay way to live. How do you stay married to someone like this and be happy? And more importantly, how do you help your children to be happy with a pyscho like this? Sorry, I know I am name-calling and that is wrong. :( I guess the saddest thing is my son still wants to please him (his own dad isn’t around) and my son is always trying to hug him or get on his lap and I know my son can be overwhelming because he is so starved for male affection but NH pushes him away or will try to hug him but says it can only be a five second hug and gives him a fake hug and counts to five and then says “realease” as if my son has cooties. I can see my son needs so much more and it truly pains me to watch this rejection. Or NH’s son will say, “Dad, will you cut up my apple?” and NH will say “Sure!” and do it, and then my son asks and he turns to him and says, “NO!” and walks out of the room and my son turns to me with his apple in hand and his lower lip jutting out and tears welling in his eyes….. MY GOD, how do you explain this to a child?…am I really committed to a life of “Sweetie, your stepdad doesn’t know what empathy is?…except for when it comes to his own children that are not even biological but adopted so it is obviously a legal issue…so Son, you are just not worthy of his empathy because on PAPER he does not OWN you?” Please HELP! And PLEASE FORGIVE my long ramble…I have no family nor friends to talk to…they would all say “I told you so.”…and they would be right. I know I deserve no sympathy…I just want help now for my son. Please don’t tell me I should have known better. I know that. I know that. I’d undo it all if I could and erase the stupid niave me and start over again but I can’t undo this now without another traumatizing divorce.:(
Jesse,
The similarities really are bizarre. I would not believe it myself if I had not seen it so often and experienced it.
I still deal with the knots in my stomach in dealing with my ex, but I am learning to distance myself as much as I can from him and that helps.
Be well . . .
LD,
Your comment is so painful to read. I feel for you and your son. I hear the desperation in your words.
I believe you know what you need to do.
In my case, divorce was far less traumatic than living with my ex on a day-to-day basis. I can only speak from my experience.
Sisters out there… have you any wisdom or words to share?
Lynn,
I know, for me, the distance is what allows me to see clearly and stop myself from falling back into old patterns.
LD,
I am so sorry about your situation. It is heartbreaking. Unless the destructive patterns change, you will likely reach a point where the damage to you and your son is far greater than the damage the rupture of a divorce would cause.
I would also encourage you to find the support of a good counselor, who can guide you and help you find ways to cope and make changes for you and your son.
All the best . . . and take care of yourself.
LD,
I only give solid recommendations when I feel strongly one way and think there is no alternative…..take your son and RUN! Your son can stick up for himself now, but in time, your husband will take away his will. My oldest is still suffering from the abuse and he went through exactly what you described. Thank you for sharing and you are strong to look for validation in what you already know has to happen.
Thanks to everyone for your support. I know my question got lost in my ranting and for that I apologize…but I am wondering if what I described of NH sounds like someone with NPD?
I realize it doesn’t matter what he has because the bottom line is the same…it is abusive and he doesn’t care to see it or change it. However, having a name for it would help me somehow to make sense of it all…compartmentalize it maybe…begin the healing with a name on it…like finding the diagnosis will help to prescribe the cure?
My guess is you all know what I mean and why I want to know if he has NPD? Your thoughts and experience are appreciated.
LD,
I know exactly what you mean when you say that it would help to have a diagnosis. I was there. It helps tremendously.
That being said, it sounds like he has empathy for the older kids. Or is that feigned empathy? I can’t tell. I have seen, in my own situation, an attempt on my ex’s part to display sensitivity toward someone – a kid or employee – but it turns out he uses those emotions to manipulate a situation for his own sake.
Does that make sense?
Is his empathy for the older kids genuine?
Yes, it makes sense, thank you. Well, obviously I cannot say for sure as I am not him but it appears to be genuine…like he feels bad for his daughter when her Mom is “too hard on her”…but has a hard time seeing that he is too hard on my son. He says his boys will grow to be men but she will always be his little girl. I worry for her because he expects very little of her and she is almost 14. I think he feels guilty for being divorced from their Mom so he rarely asks her to even wash a spoon or throw away a yogurt cup and will give into almost any financial wish of hers if she bats her eyes and says, “Please Daddy” long enough (which she does). Then he gets upset that she doesn’t really love HIM but loves his money and so then he doesn’t want to visit her because he doesn’t want to feel used. It’s all so confusing. So, is it empathy or guilt? He definitely has the most feelings for her, a little for his own son, and barely any for my son. He has this neanderthal view of boys/men – they shouldn’t cry, be momma’s boys, etc. I’m sorry I am having a hard time answering your question but I hope this helps?? Oh, also he has shown empathy for me when my siblings mistreated me but THREE days later he mistreated me and said WAY MORE cruel things then they ever did but appears to have no remorse or empathy for that. He even goes so far as to mock the things he once showed empathy for. For example, the other night when I told him I didn’ t like his bullying behavior, he went into this gross display and mocked me with this funny voice saying, “Oh, look, I’m just like your father, oh poor you, I’m so mean and controlling like your father.”…and on and on and on. He is notorious for taking something I confided in confidence with vulnerability and throwing it in my face to hurt me when it is convenient for him to deflect dealing with his own issues maturely. So…did any of that help to answer your question? LOL.
LD,
I’m not comfortable telling you what to do. I’m not an expert. I don’t have credentials.
I know I would get my kids away from a man that treated us like that.
LD, I’m sending hugs and strength and kindness.
We are all good listeners here. Keep venting.
I noticed you ended your comment with LOL. Keep a sense of humor about you if you can. Humor will help you and your son immensely.
Jesse
LD…
I feel your pain. One thing you can do is start making plans to leave, ASAP. Your precious son doesn’t need the crazy making behavior of his step dad, and neither do you. And even if you gave him all of the love in the world, he will NEVER change.
Whether you ‘knew’ better or not is irrelevant. That kind of thought process will make you crazy.
What you have now is lots of evidence that you and your son are in a sick and abusive situation. You do have the chance to make another choice. There are always options. Don’t stay and make you both pay for a painful mistake.
You do have everyone in this community’s support (sorry for speaking for everyone :). I do apologize for not writing more, but I am at my library and they are closing soon.
Please believe that there are people out here that care about you both. I’m so happy that you found us.
If you are looking for a father figure for your son, consider finding him a Big Brother.
Keep coming back and venting.
I need to say this….
My heart overflows with love for all of you.
We are witnessing the best of human kindness here.
f.u.n. (finger under nose)
Jesse
Wow, thank you to everyone for your love and strength. I don’t know what God is trying to tell me but today out of the blue my son’s dad who is normally quiet left a crazy message because aparently he called three times and I didn’t pick up. He went on to say that he doesn’t know what game I’m playing but he is ready to battle and started swearing and acting like a nut again, lol. OMG. This is all because I wasn’t around to pick up the phone the second he called. It reminded me of the past with him where he creates these crazy stories in his head of what I am doing just because I didn’t pick up the phone immediately. My gosh I have been GREAT at picking sick men! He kept saying he has “let” me get away with the way things have been. This is the way things have been….he has paid ZERO amount of child support and never paid back all the money he owes me. The way things have been is I have not gone after him for money for fear of his abuse and I just want peace. He in turn agreed to leave us alone. If he tried to take me to court they would laugh at him and I know he knows this but he still tries to act like he has some power or conrol. He was physically abusive to me and my son as well as mentally and emotionally, had an affair the entire time we were together (come to find out), was arrested, etc., etc…and somehow I’M the bad guy in his eyes. WOW…talk about denial and projection.
Have any of you guys had to run away from your entire life and start over in a new place? Today I feel that that is all that is left for me in order to save my son and I from bad men and me from bad choices. :(
Thanks for letting me vent. I hope I am not bringing the vibe down here. I don’t mean to upset anyone.
May I ask what f.u.n. (finger under nose) means?
I need to share two quotes I found recently that I love and find very helpful in facing an uncertain future:
1) “If you are going through hell, keep going.” Winston Churchill
2) “Leap and the net will appear.” Zen saying
I am keeping all of you in my thoughts/prayers. We will all “keep going.”
All the best . . .
LD,
f.u.n. keeps me from crying. Press your finger under your nose and the tears stop, for some reason. Just so you know, you do have to let them out at some point.
I haven’t uprooted and moved to start over yet, but I think of that a lot.
I have a knack for picking the good ones, too. I’m ready to be done with the whole relating thing.
I can hear your wisdom. You are definitely learning from all of this. That’s the best we can do. Keep finding the humor in all of this. It isn’t easy, but it will save you – that and connecting with those of us who have been there.
Lynn,
Thanks for the beautiful quotes.
I often think that’s what we do here… we’re weaving a net of love and support.
Donna putting her nose in other peoples business, Part 2:
LD,
What hits my heart about what you wrote is how much you love your son. Its palpable in your writing. It comes off your words in waves.
I wish I’d had that when I was young. That love will carry you far.
Sending Angels to you all…
Wow, thank you Donna…I’m not sure what I wrote that lets you know how much I love my son but I have never loved anyone so deeply as I do him. I’m sure this is how all Mom’s feel. He is MY ONE reason to live and to do it right and be an example. When I fail I grieve not for me but for the example I have not been to him. He is my heart, mind, soul…my very being…come to life outside of my body. Loving him is the closest I come to loving myself. Actually, I guess you could say that he has allowed me to love myself for his sake – does that make sense?
Both my ex and my current husband have said they are jealous of my son which saddens me. There is so much love to go around and they could not see it. And my son is sooo loving and they chose to not have part of it. How sad for them.
I am not saying my son is perfect because I know that none of us are. But he is a perfect son for me. I could not have asked for more. I am so truly blessed. As much as I love him, though, I still discipline him (as it’s part of love) and some days I have been very upset with him or I fear I have snapped at him because of the pressures I am under. I apologize always and tell him when Mommy is wrong and that it is NOT his fault. I feel I must say that a lot. I never want him to grow up feeling that other peoples’ issues are his fault – especially mine.
If I can give him nothing else in this world, I want to give him a sense of self, a sense of empathy, TRUST in his intuition, and belief in his convictions before God to always do the right thing regardless of feelings but purely because it is the right thing to do- Period.
LOL – wow, I rambled on and on again…at least this time it was about someone WORTHY –hehehheheh! Glad to share something nice here after you all just put up with my prior venting. :)
Oh, and Jesse, I thought that’s what f.u.n. meant….I do it, too. :)
Prayers for all that we continue to be the best Moms possible, regardless of our situations.
Thanks again to all – so glad I found this site. :)
LD,
I love the way you love your son.
I’m so glad you found us, too.
Your positive comment about your son was just what I needed to read tonight. Thank you. ;)
Hi there, I’ve been following your blog for a few months now. I recently ended a 25 year friendship with my “best friend” because she was a narcissist & I could no longer tolerate her abusive behavior. I did not learn about narcissism until after I walked away from the friendship, but I have been so glad to find this site and others like it. I too, learned the reason I tolerated this negative and damaging treatment for decades was because I also have a narcissistic parent. Thank you for your posts, they have really helped me, particularly since the “friend” has made numerous attempts to reconcile to my face, all the while trashing me to our mutual friends and harassing me online.
This post was particularly meaningful, because my “final straw” was something very similar; just being ditched at the last minute- stranded without a ride- because she “just didn’t feel like” getting together, even as she knew I was stuck unless she came to pick me up. But, as you said, it was NOT ONLY about that particular moment, being stranded is small potatoes compared to all the other things she did and said to me on a regular basis. It was the hundreds and hundreds of times before, the damage and abuse from the WHOLE relationship that brought me to that moment of saying “no more.”
I am intrigued by your blog because so many websites and books I’ve read only talk about when the NARCISSIST is the one to end the relationship, but what about when it’s the other person? I ended this relationship and I have a hard time finding other sites, etc, that are about what to do and how to handle the narcissist after YOU have chosen to leave them. That is what I did, and this person seems desperate to get me back into her life (to my face that is), and behind my back she seems intent on destroying me. Thanks for any insight you or anyone else here might have on dealing with that.
I look forward to reading more posts and your book, too! Thanks.
Noelle,
Hello, and welcome.
First, let me apologize for not responding sooner. The thing is, I don’t have an answer. Clearly from my most recent post this morning, I don’t have a clue how to handle the narcissist that I left.
The game changes. The ground shifts. At one moment I think I can predict his behavior, the next moment I’m caught completely off guard.
The only thing that seems to work for us is distance.
I can’t control what he says to others about me. I don’t have a clue what that might be. I have a feeling, that in my case, he doesn’t say many disparaging things, because that would reflect poorly on him. In your situation, it sounds like you are dealing with some serious bitterness on the part of your ex-bff. I would have a tendency to think that others will consider the source when hearing her nastiness about you.
That’s a sad way to weed out those who are not good friends – those who will buy into what she says about you.
I do know – from my situation – that it is the ultimate blow to the Ns ego to be left. They cannot reconcile that. They cannot come to terms with the fact that someone would not find them fabulous. I don’t know if they can get over that. What they do with that, how they cope with that – I don’t know if their reactions can be predicted. I’m still trying to find that out myself.
Good luck!
Thanks for writing.
Thank you so much. I am learning that, and the true friends are very rapidly becoming clear. Sadly, some that I thought were “true” are not, but I’m learning to accept that, and know that those really aren’t people who were good for me in the first place. I am still being harassed, but am doing my best to hold myself proudly and not stoop to that level. I played into the “fight and forgive” game for years and have no intention of continuing to be sucked into that anymore. I do agree that most people seem to “get it” without me saying a word. In the end, I know I’m better off without the narcissist and those that play into her games. Going, growing and getting better every day. Love your blog, thanks.
NM,
Yay, you!! Now you have more time in your life for those relationships that are worth nurturing.
Gave him another chance…… again……. broken heart again!! Been married for 22 years, broke up 3 years ago but I have let him back into my heart at least 5 times in that time.
I had a nervous breakdown 4 years ago, had to fight to get where I am today. I know deep down that he is so bad for me, he has constantly let me down and worse than that… he has let his kids down too.
Can someone please tell me why I feel that I can’t live without a man who gives me nothing but heartache? He has destroyed my past so why do I allow him to destroy my present and perhaps even my future? He is selfish, he never thinks about anyone else but himself but when we are together, I am happy… Why? I keep praying that he will change but God just isn’t listening.
My friends and family are sick of hearing about it but I need help my friends. I really don’t know how much more I can take. :'(
I also pray every day that I will wake up tomorrow and just not care about him anymore but it just doesn’t happen. Please help me someone
Rachel,
I’m so sorry.
Your kind heart keeps giving him chances that he clearly does not deserve.
I would ask myself, “If he is capable of being kind and decent, why doesn’t he treat me that way all the time.” Because that is what you deserve, Rachel. You deserve better… so much better.
When you see the goodness in yourself – when you really believe that you are worth more – when you start to love yourself, you will no longer put up with his treatment.
I don’t know how to get you to that point.
A wise friend told me that she would get up every morning and look in the mirror. She would stare into her own eyes and tell herself that she is good and kind and worthy.
Start there, Rachel. Keep telling yourself that until you start to believe it.
Take care, dear.
Jesse