When her babies were small, she had an urge to knit tiny striped mittens with pink and green and purple fuzzy yarns. Now her kids wouldn’t be caught dead wearing handmade mittens. Friends were having babies who needed their precious hands protected from the harsh winter winds. She could make mittens for those babies.
She was waiting for her mom to teach her to knit.
He often found himself at a friend’s house on Saturday afternoons, and after swilling a couple beers, someone would suggest playing a pickup game of basketball. He’d laugh and say, “I’ll sit this one out. I’m lousy at basketball.”
He was waiting for his dad to teach him how to play basketball.
He’d read all he could find on SEO, blog traffic, building customer loyalty and what the experts had to say about making money on the internet. He’d finished his most recent course, made some progress and signed up for the next impressive looking webinar that would surely push his project over the edge. He lacked the confidence to believe that he had the skills and knowledge that would make his project a success.
He was waiting for his dad to acknowledge his hard work and determination.
She folded the clothes as soon as they came out of the dryer and tucked them away in the drawers. The minute a toast crumb hit the floor, she was there with the broom. If the kids started to get too loud while he was getting caught up on the morning papers, she was quick to shush them.
She was waiting for him to tell her that she had finally proven that she was lovable.
He put in extra hours at the office, bought her the new car, made the move to the neighborhood with the better school, and promised they would vacation every summer with her parents.
He was waiting for her to tell him he was good enough.
She lit the candles and told herself things would get better when he got the new promotion. The money pressures would lessen. Surely then she’d quit yelling at the kids. He would start sleeping better. They could slow down and take the time to appreciate each other.
She was waiting for the wrong solution for her problems.
She hoped that one day they would understand the choices she made, and respect her for walking her own path.
She was waiting for approval she would never get.
__________
And so it was that one warm summer evening, she stopped waiting.
She stepped out to look at the moon and breathe deeply of the sage. Her toes felt the dew on the grass. With each breath, she felt stronger and more certain.
She had nothing more to wait for.
What are you waiting for?
Tags: child of narcissist, divorce, in search of self, life, marriage, narcissism, narcissist behavior, narcissistic behavior, NPD, Parenting, survive
Jesse,
This is beautiful! Your words are soothing and inspirational. We all have to find our way and let go more and more of what others may think or expect of us.
We have to follow the path we are meant to walk even the most unexpected paths and even at times unwanted paths.
We have today and hope, and I am hanging on to both.
Thanks for writing . . .
Be well . . .
Oh, dudette! You definitely paint pictures with words.
What am I waiting for? The Thrive-rs World Tour & Tea Party! :)
On a more serious note: I’m not sure what I’m waiting for. Or if I’m waiting for anything. I need to find a great passion or adventure.
As far as appreciation from self or others goes: I was listening to a call with life coach Cheryl Richardson. She was talking about being on Oprah with Louise Hay and several other spiritual powerhouses.
She said that Louise was talking about self love, and Cheryl realized that Louise could have mentioned ANYTHING as the most important thing you can do for yourself. But Louise was talking about self love, and Cheryl took note.
She went home and decorated various mirrors with “I Love You! I Really Really Love You!” with dry erase markers, and she committed to look in the mirror everyday for 30 days, look in her eyes and say that to herself.
I don’t recall how the entire 30 days went for Cheryl, but she did say that after a few days, she noticed a difference between when she did the mirror exercise and when she didn’t.
I’m doing that too, and it’s great. I don’t have a problem with looking in my eyes and saying that, but I’m far from consistent.
What are you waiting for?
Lynn,
Thank you. I’m doing some serious work on getting back on my path. It feels good, but there’s this part of me that still wishes/hopes for that pat on the back and the kind voice that says, “Good job, honey. You are doing great.”
Working on doing that for myself.
Good job, Lynn. You are doing great! ;)
Donna,
I did something like that for a spell. I looked in the mirror and refrained from saying anything negative. I’ll have to try the “i love yous” next.
Here’s what I think/wonder on that… I do believe it all starts in our own backyards – or living rooms if we don’t have back yards. If we love ourselves – truly – unconditionally – by nature of the very fact that we are all connected, it has to spill over to others. I mean, don’t we dislike the things in others that we don’t like about ourselves? So, by transitive property, if we completely loved ourselves, would we completely love others?
Imagine the power in that. Imagine that we can affect that and start that and actually make that come about?
What am I waiting for?
Thanks for asking.
I’m waiting to internalize the fact that I am only accountable to my self. I owe it to myself to realize my true potential, even if it sometimes feels self-centered to do so.
Good job, Jesse. You are doing great! :)
Your kids will thank you for all you have done and given them–I am guessing they already do.
Making a home a haven is an incredible gift to give our kids. No more walking on eggshells in our home, ever!!!
Thanks for the encouragment! I needed it today.
Lynn,
I guess I’ve always believed that is one of the reasons we ought to connect with each other – to encourage one another.
Take care. ;)
I hope you understand that when I asked “What are you waiting for?”, I was speaking to everyone.
I’m just not as good at this writing thing as you are. :(
Donna,
Oh Ha! That’s what we say in our house when we don’t agree with what someone says! Oh Ha! (about your writing)
So, everyone, what are you waiting for?
Chime in. We wanna know.
I thought hard about this and realized that I have been plunging forward taking full advantage of my opportunities in order to move ahead and show what I know I am worth. There are challenges, big ones, along the way, but you know what? At the end of the day, I am pretty proud of myself. The little victories give me more confidence and the bad days seem less damaging. Full steam ahead!
Jesse,
I agree completely!! My friends and family have been an emotional lifeline to me throughout the years and helped me survive the emotional turmoil/pain of my marriage!
I am so thankful for the encouragement I have been given along my way.
Have a great weekend!
Zaira,
I love your attitude. You set a fine example.
Happy weekend. ;)
Lynn,
You enjoy your weekend, too. ;)
Thanks. You have a fabulous weekend. You deserve it!!!