When he sends the epically long email explaining that he hasn’t introduced the kids to his girlfriend because they don’t show that they care about his life, they never come over anyway, and he really didn’t think it was any of their business…
When they question your choices, make sarcastic comments about your lifestyle and complain about how stressed and over-worked they are…
When you’ve seen that they can make healthy choices without you having to hover, lecture, or demand…
When he’s never shown any interest in what you have to say, yet you think he will this time…
When it’s early September and the garden looks more like you are planting weeds than anything else…
When, every time she calls, she talks non-stop about her life, but fails to ask about yours…
When you notice you are working harder than he is…
When it’s none of your business…
When it’s none of their business…
When reacting to a situation creates more stress than ignoring that situation…
When they act grouchy, but you know they’ve eaten and had a good night’s sleep…
When she takes it out on you because she’s mad at him, or she didn’t get the promotion or her stylist fried her hair…
When you’ve given it your best and it still isn’t working…
__________
It takes a good leavin’ alone doesn’t mean I cut-off relationships, rather, it is about selectively deciding when to act in relationships.
I have a choice about when to respond and if something even warrants a response.
It’s freeing to realize that I don’t have to respond to everything that comes my way.
If I can let something quietly simmer on the back burner for a couple days, I often find it needs no attention at all.
If I tell myself I need to act immediately, I rob myself of the opportunity to let a slight slide by.
Acting now doesn’t let a minor hurt stay minor, but often turns it into a major eruption.
When I leave some things alone, I free up my time and energy for good things – the stuff I want more of in my life.
Not everything needs to be addressed. Not everything is about me. Not everything is something I have to fix, or assist or be included in or have to do something about.
Many things take a good leavin’ alone.
Tags: in search of self, life, marriage, narcissism, narcissist behavior, narcissistic behavior, NPD, Parenting, proactive
Jesse,
Wow–this hits the nail on the head totally!! I have learned this lesson the hard way. To engage is to validate the Ns self-absorbed reality in which he/she lives, and usually leads to a futile verbal joust that is confusing and destructive.
I was so used to jumping when told that I would respond immediately to accusations or hurtful comments. Now I answer only what is necessary, and let the rest roll off. The best way to deal with a N is to ignore them as much as humanly possible.
It is still stressful and always will be, but I am finding the less I engage the better.
Be well . . .
Sometimes that is easier said than done. Sometimes you just don’t have time to deal with it. Sometimes you believe that person that puts it all on your shoulders. And then sometimes when you let the calm in, it doesn’t matter as much as you thought.
Great post! Thanks!
Yo! That quote is from one of my favorite women, an icon! And, yes, lots of situations need a good leavin’ alone…
Lynn,
Yes, I agree with you that it is still stressful. But I do believe that my blood pressure isn’t what it could be (ridiculously high) if I decide not to respond in haste.
Although it isn’t always easy to bite my tongue, sometimes I am too busy and by default I don’t get to it. That’s when I find the best results.
Zaira,
Yeah! There are many times when I’d like to leave it alone, but I don’t. I want to get at him. I want to attack. I want to stick up for my kids and prove he’s an idiot and a lousy dad. And in the end… he never hears me, so what’s the point?
Just this week, the email happened, that I referred to in the post. Yeah, I was ready to go at him with guns blazing, but I was busy with kids and stuff and life. I didn’t respond. The next day he came over to the house. I greeted him at the door and said, “I meant to respond to your lengthy email, but I didn’t have time.” You know what he said?
He said, “That’s fine. I didn’t expect you to.”
Screw him. My time is more important. I don’t need to respond to his rants and diatribes.
There is power in that.
Mom,
She is an icon! And an incredibly wise woman.
We are lucky to know her. ;)
Funny thing, I spent two hours this week responding to crap. The tricky part for us is knowing what to respond to and what to ignore. There are times when you must defend your kids and yourself. But, then there is all the noise that can be ignored.
You can’t always be quiet and ignore them. Yes, it does deflect conflict and emotional tirade when you are attached to the N. However, I think that not responding somehow makes them feel validated. I believe that my exes family fed his NPD by not responding to him. No one told him that he wasn’t the favorite child because they don’t play favorites. No one corrected him when he was wrong. They believed his make-believe persona. Reinforcing his self inflated ego was the compensation for their failure. They ignored his abandonment issues and they refused to believe they had anything to do with it.
In the thick of it when I was spilling my guts to his mother, she said to me, “that’s not my son! my son loves and cherishes his family.” I asked her what family was she talking about. (lol) But seriously, did she think I was lying? She wanted to believe I was lying. Her advice was to pray hard and keep my mouth shut. Someday he would appreciate me. Oh, I kept my mouth shut all right. I moved out right under his nose and he never knew it was coming.
The power in silence comes after the separation. During the relationship, you are silent to avoid conflict, but when you detach yourself from the N and stand on your own, in your own life, in your own agenda, on your own terms, it’s up to you to ignore the bait (and yes, it is bait!) and feel good that you chose to leave it alone. Your silence now says…”stick it!” (you thought it was going to be profound, didn’t you?)
:-)
Zaira,
I like your style. And yes, you are profound!
You make an excellent distinction – between silence while living with them versus silence after escaping them.
In my wacko situation, I often tried different ways of trying to get my point across. I tried yelling (screaming). I tried letters. I tried sweet talk. Whatever I said always fell on deaf ears. The damage (his childhood) was done, and there was nothing I could do or say to change that.
His talk was about hearing himself talk. His letters were about seeing his words on paper.
It’s still that way.
Oh, once in awhile I stand up to him, but as I am talking I know he isn’t listening. It is simply an exercise in showing my kids what it looks like when we stand up for ourselves. (For the record, I don’t do the screaming in front of them, even if I’d like to.)
Trying to say or do or suggest or convey is not much more than pissing in the wind. How’s that from some profound talk?
Do you know that I no longer scream? I really thought that was my style of argument for a while. There is calm on the inside so nothing is forcing it’s way out.
My approach now is to take whatever he is throwing at me, change the names so it fits his life and give it back in the most calm matter of fact way possible. That usually shuts him up. Anything that I cannot do that with, I leave it alone. Nothing is accomplished by pissing in the wind…
My daughter says it this way: “Procrastination solves a lot of problems.”
Zaira,
The calm is my goal. Most days I am there.
Funny how my being calm seems to rattle him.
Alyson,
Your daughter is very wise. I’m sure you can take a lot of credit for that. ;)
Your calm says…IT’S NOT ALL ABOUT YOU! :)
Zaira,
Yes!!! And I’d love to CALMLY SHOUT THAT FROM A MOUNTAINTOP!!
I agree wholeheartedly with all of you! Your words are so true!
This is so true. My N friendship was defined by a series of dramas, one after the other, after the other…… And it was 100% exacerbated by the fact that I ENGAGED in it, so I just don’t anymore. And that was really what changed in the relationship. I got tired of my good weeks being turned into bad weeks by the latest confrontation with her. I got tired of being so wrapped up in defending myself that I forgot to eat, didn’t take care of myself, and quit keeping up with my REAL LIFE relationships and responsibilities, because I was so convinced that somehow I would say things the “right” way this time & she would get it.
But, Zaira, you make an excellent point by saying that many Ns are raised in an environment where their bad behavior is ignored, and that does help the development of the N personality, I’d say. But I think it’s the COMBINATION of the ignoring and the BUILDING of the false N ego. For example, my N friend’s parents simultaneously tell her what an amazing mom she is, all the while essentially raising her child for her because he “interferes” with her life too much.
Anyway, I’ve had a rough week. My son broke his arm today for the second time in 4 months. My grandmother broke her pelvis for the second time in 3 months. My dad had a very bad appointment with a heart specialist we were hoping could help him. And my garage door broke. And about 8 other bad things happened…. **BUT,*** and this is huge to me… but ALL THAT was somehow easier and more tolerable than the fights with my N friend got to be. Things are rough, but I’m not being abused anymore. Everything is going wrong, but no one is intentionally playing games with me, hoping to upset me. Hoping to get “fed” by my pain. I’m doing what I can to support everyone, but I don’t feel like no matter what I do it won’t be enough anymore.
Some of the best things I’ve learned are: No, you don’t have to respond, not just to your N, but to anyone. Take an hour, take a week, learning to let things lie and not micromanage everything has been so good for me to learn. And the other thing I’ve noticed with that is: I don’t care anymore if someone does that with me! When friends with my N, she used ignoring me as a way of punishment. So if anyone didn’t respond to me, I would immediately be concerned they were upset with me, immediately start retracing my steps to see where I had “gone wrong,” what had I done? It would completely panic me. I have learned that people are busy, tired, overwhelmed. 99.9% of the time it has nothing at all to do with anything I said or did. And even if it did, (amazingly enough!) people who are not Ns can usually deal with conflict in a mature manner.
I love this blog, and I love discovering what “real life” is outside of an N relationship. And much love to all of you too, in your journeys today.
xoxo
NM
NM, you are absolutely correct that it is the combination of those things. I know his parents fed him that overconfidence also. They also supported blaming others for not being perfect.
I have to say that I have not been leaving crap alone this week. I am defensive and angry. For every small thing I don’t do to cater to him still, he threatens me with court. But the kicker was today when he was trying to explain how he wasn’t bullying me on the phone yesterday. Now, I usually don’t communicate with him verbally because it ends up like this, but I did yesterday because of the circumstances and I am sure some of me wanted to give him a piece of my mind as he had just sent me a ridiculous offer to settle on custody. Anyhow, he said that he wouldn’t spend his valuable time threatening me so it didn’t happen. His time is very precious as he doesn’t have enough of it, so basically I had to do what he wanted and when he wanted. (We are divorced now!) My reply was that his time was no more valuable than mine, he is no more important than I am, and this is why we don’t get along.
I am more calm today, but I have to work on finding my inner peace again. I hate set backs…
Zaira,
Sorry for the delay in posting your comment. I’m away from home and wifi is spotty.
Damn, I’m sorry about your setback.
I’ll be the first to admit that when it comes to dealing with an N, it isn’t always easy to leave things alone. You can’t. Sometimes you have to stick up for yourself.
Many times, too, they just love to spill their crap out onto a trap and hope we walk by and fall for it.
I’m in a position where (knock on wood) I don’t have to deal with those traps because we are done with the legal stuff.
I hope you are there real soon.
Sending you some of the calm and peace that we are soaking up on our trip.
Oh Zaira, My heart goes out to you today. I ABSOLUTELY think you did the right thing by sticking up for yourself, but I know, I know it just throws you into the whole “mess” of emotions you get into when dealing with an N. It is frustrating, and exhausting. I will keep you in my prayers and send “good energy” your way! I know that someday the day will come when his “stuff” doesn’t affect you as much, but even still there are those times when you just can’t let it go anymore. And it is frustrating, because you feel like you WERE done, you were over it, but then suddenly you are yanked back in. You do what is right for you and your kids. Much love to you today!
NM
Thanks Jesse and NM. Really, I felt your good vibes and prayers here and appreciate your kind words. I was upset that I got sucked in and responded the way I did, but it’s ok. I did what I needed to do and that was to let him know that he cannot control me and I am OVER him. He hates that, you know. That is why he punishes me like this.
There was court today. The Universe made sure I arrived 10 minutes late and I missed it all. His bubble was burst with no arguments, his ridiculous offer was ignored, and all that was accomplished was setting the trial date. Now I can breathe for a few months.
I feel that the pendulum has shifted as I regain my sanity (the full moon has passed too…lol)! His emails have become civil as he has to pretend to be the perfect parent again for a while. However, his proposal may be perfect material for therapists in training…it certainly will go into my archives!
Zaira,
Sometimes the verbal stuff is unavoidable. I am sorry. Pat yourself on the back and keep going because you are doing great. You are helping yourself and your children find a better way of living.
If you get a chance, listen to the song “Stand” by Rascal Flatts. It has been one of the songs that has helped me a lot.
All the best . . .
Lynn
Zaira,
Yay! A reprieve!
I love how the Universe came to bat for you.
I hope you are writing those juicy archives.
One of the best songs, Lynn! :)
I am so grateful for the reprieve! You know, there are those times in your life that bring you to your knees and you are begging for mercy. It can be because you are worn down or at your limit, but somehow, someone somewhere hears you and peace is granted. Besides yesterday, the last time for me was the last court hearing. They were trying to change our judge assignment. That would have meant our hearing would have been heard by someone not so reasonable who does not hear a lot of custody cases, which was not in my best interest. So, I prayed. It was kind of a chant (in my head, of course) that I kept repeating for about 2 hours. Even when I was talking with my attorney, I could hear it in the background. When we were sent to the other court room, it got really loud. That sounds a bit crazy, but I have to tell you that I believe only by that grace did we get reassigned to the original judge on the case.
Lynn, I will definitely check out that song. I don’t listen to much country so it will definitely broaden my horizons later today.
Jesse, the archives right now are a dump, but maybe some day when I work that priority into my schedule, it will become something useful. :)
Thank you all for the support. It means so much.
I just wanted to share something my friend sent me the other day. She has found her pen again after a long time and is getting ready to publish her poems somewhere…in a blog maybe? But I have always loved her style and since it goes with the theme here you go…
Time Heals
Time heals a wounded soul
of trauma and tragedy.
Through the years letting go
becomes the remedy.
Don’t try to change the past
it will only magnify.
Set your mind on strength found
it will serve to gratify.
Accept what is as is
and know that life is too short.
Live each moment grateful
for those who offer support.
Time heals a wounded soul
one day you’ll wake up to find;
…that distant tragedy
isn’t the first thing on your mind.
Life will again resume
in many ways as before,
And you will look forward
to what life has in store.
Hold on tight to your faith
and make hope a constant friend.
Surround yourself with love
and allow yourself to mend.
Time heals a wounded soul
of trauma and tragedy.
Through the years letting go
becomes the remedy.
9-8-11
SC
Thanks again, Lynn, for the song..been humming it all evening. xx
Zaira,
I love that! Tangible proof of the power of good words, chants, mantras, prayers – whatever we want to call them. I’m a firm believer.
Zaira,
Thank you for sharing this.
I’m sure I’ll come back to re-read, time and again. I love the hopefulness.
Send more. ;)
Wow. Profound, indeed, and I agree. And after 4 and 1/2 years of being with him, I have learned that less is more.
I used to dance around his anger when we lived together. I moved out and I am now more vocal, but I choose my battles. The things he does should never go unchecked, but as you stated earlier, reacting to them creates more stress than leaving it alone. I had to stop beating myself up for not being more assertive and realized that calling him on it all would not get him to own it (and if he does, it will be after putting me through the ringer first and violating even further to the point that what I was angry about in the first place pales in comparison) and it won’t change. And I don’t need him to own it. It’s all true regardless of whether or not he acknowledges it. It is empowering to know all this now. And the only way I’m going to put an end to it is by leaving him, removing it from my life myself, because he won’t.
But, I feel more in control now. Sadly, it is because has worn me out in the caring department. I simply don’t care to appease him or please him. When he turns into that spoiled 4 year old throwing a fit over imagined slights or the ones he will create to play the victim, I don’t engage him. I don’t respond to his texts, I don’t answer his calls. That enrages him even more. That’s because he feels entitled to humiliate me and degrade me. The nerve of me to deny him that. He’ll call me a child, tell me how he’s tired of being treated like crap, how I use him and abuse him and he will run to all of our friends, or anyone that will listen, and tell them the same thing. I stopped caring about what they thought as well. Those who know me, know better. Those who believe him, don’t matter.
I’m in a much better place now, and looking forward to life without him.
Lola,
Hello and thanks for writing.
I have to tell you that I was immediately impressed by the strength I hear coming from your words – strength and resolve.
I loved your line… “It’s all true regardless of whether or not he acknowledges it.” I’ve said those same words to myself (many times) after finally giving up on his ever owning or acknowledging anything. What a waste of energy that was – waiting for some acknowledgement to come from him. Ha.
Thanks for sharing your experience and strength here. It does us all good to hear how great it can be “on the other side.”
Hi Lola,
I think the thing with Ns, is that they can’t own it because nothing is really real to them. There is no true self, it’s all about image.
My N friend would do the SAME EXACT thing, Lola. Weekly, or sometimes even more often there was another new drama, something she was “pissed off” about. Someone who had done her wrong, someone who had to pay for their crime against her. Often, it could have been the slightest, littlest thing. And it’s always confusing as to how to handle it. As Zaira mentioned above, sometimes I would worry that ignoring it would just encourage her behavior, make her worse. But engaging in it is so defeating and exhausting, pointless really, because even if my friend would concede, or let me win an argument to keep holding on to me, there would always be another attack right around the corner. And yes, then I’d have to pay for everything I’d ever done.
Even my own happiness about my kids or something good in my life? Yep, had to “pay” for that too. Right before I ended the relationship, she said to me ” I guess I can take hearing about the good in your life.” Take it? Why on earth would anyone have to TOLERATE the happiness of someone they loved?
Hang in there, Lola! The day will come when you just don’t care as much, or at all. You will get stronger away from him. You will get yourself BACK, and then you won’t be so tired for the real relationships in your life that uplift you.
NM
NM,
Your line… “I guess I can take hearing…” reminded me of so many bizarre comments spoken by my Ex.
“I guess I just need more control in this relationship.”
“When are you going to make me the priority I was meant to be?”
“I know I told you that I would be the one to leave, but now that you’ve asked me to, I’m staying. You’ll have to be the one to leave.”
and on and on …
And I marvel at the depth of the hole we get in. Those comments don’t seem that absurd (because we hear them so often, or because Ns can be so persuasive and manipulative, or because they are clever architects of a “reality” that has us forgetting what real is) when we are in that deep hole. Then, we see the light of day and we are stunned by the stuff that comes out of their mouths.
He still says stuff that blows me away. The difference is now, I know the difference between what is real and his version of “reality,” and I can shake my head and laugh. ‘Course I never laugh in his face, much as I’d like to. No need in inciting a riot.
Thanks, NM, for bringing up such great points.
Lola, This one hit home for me… “That’s because he feels entitled to humiliate me and degrade me.” Like somehow, we are lesser human than they are. I hated the elitist mentality. I knew that it was because he had to be better, regardless of who he was bringing down (HIS WIFE) in the process.
NM, And your statement, “There is no true self, it’s all about image.” Wow. I never thought about it like that before but it is so true. Maybe that has something to do with why they cannot consider others feelings or safety. This still mystifies me and even when I don’t want to acknowledge that he is like that, it will smack me in the face with something new he brings up. It could also be the source of their fleeting hobbies…scotch drinking, cigar and wine collecting, triathlons, motorcycles, vintage watches, blah blah.
Jesse, I heard this too…“I know I told you that I would be the one to leave, but now that you’ve asked me to, I’m staying. You’ll have to be the one to leave.” Sooooo unoriginal! haha. You have no idea how much I have to contain my smirks and hysterics in court. I try to show pity instead, but every once in a while the smile emerges from the bazaar testimony. The more he talks, the more confident I get because I have a reasonable rationale for every dumb thing he brings up. He doesn’t see it as reasonable, but every other person does. I do fear every time I go into the court though that I am going to get a judge that sees things his way. NPD is rampant!
Zaira,
I’ve said it before…. I’m going to keep saying it…
Intelligent, wise, successful, professional, worldly people are duped by NPD on a daily basis.
Often, if/when they realize they’ve been had, their own egos won’t let them admit that they’ve been played for a fool.
And the cycle continues.
Zaira, when I started to learn about narcissism, I NEEDED to know everything I could understand about it. I knew I could never work through it until I knew what I was working through….One thing that really stuck with me was this… The reason it’s called narcissism & named after the myth of Narcissus has more to do than inflated ego, self-love, etc. it has far more to do with the fact that no true self (or, as Freud would say, no true EGO) is ever developed with Ns. It’s all about the “reflection” like it was with Narcissus. His love/obsession was not for himself, the real true him, but for his REFECTION, his image. Same is true of Ns, they never develop a true sense of self, which is why they can flit from situation to situation and never have guilt. Why they could say accuse you for not having morals AS they are cheating on their spouse, robbing a bank, and lying to a child who has cancer. These are just examples, of course ;) not that I’d put any one of them past my ex-BFF, though! ;)
xo
N
I need to read more!!!!
NM, thanks for the lesson today.
Jesse, you are so wise.
So glad I made it here….
Zaira etal…
This site wouldn’t be what it is without your contributions.
Love you all.