It wasn’t because I was on my second glass of liquid courage.
It wasn’t because my kids were milling about and I was trying to lead by example.
It wasn’t because I’d been reading The Inner Pulse, by Marc Siegel.
It was because I wrote of this very thing in Seeing My Path.
I inherently believe that I can’t change others.
I do believe change can begin with me.
I believe in the ripple effect produced by small changes.
I also strongly believe in doing what I say I’m going to do.
__________
My feelings had been hurt. What was I going to do about that? Was I going to do anything?
Midway through my second drink, as the conversation swirled around me, I gazed at the frozen city lights and contemplated my options.
I had a couple choices.
I could repeat history, sit there and sip my cocktail, inwardly fume and feel sorry for myself. In a bit, I’d paint a fake smile on my face and say, “Thanks for everything,” and go home in a funk.
or….
I could confront her.
I took another sip and contemplated the potential outcomes of being honest.
She could say, “Quit being so sensitive, that’s not what I meant.”
She might say, “Lighten up, honey, you take everything so seriously.”
She could get defensive.
She could brush me off and deny that my feelings could be hurt over something so trivial.
Then it occurred to me that if I’d gotten those responses in the past, maybe that was because of a lousy delivery on my part. Maybe I’d been sarcastic or harsh or critical or whiny, or any one of a number of adjectives that could be applied to someone who willingly, historically, readily assumes the role of victim.
The laughing and conversation seemed to get louder as I tried to figure out the best approach.
Hell….
Maybe I should just ignore the whole thing.
It could very well be a trivial matter.
But, dammit, I don’t want to go home and be angry for not standing up for myself.
Again.
__________
I took a gulp, and tried to arrange my face into a warmer expression. I summoned what grace I could. I wanted to avoid sarcasm. I wanted to avoid being passive aggressive.
I looked her in the eye and, without tears, I said, “You know, that hurt my feelings. I always try my best. I wish you could focus on what went well, instead of where I came up short.”
I held my breath while I waited for her response.
The laughing and conversation continued outside of us.
As she looked at me, her eyes softened and she said, “I didn’t know I hurt your feelings.”
And I thought, here goes….
Now for the part about how I’m too sensitive, or too intense, or too me – whatever that is.
But this time she said, “I’m so sorry. That wasn’t my intent. I thought I was helping by pointing out how that could have been handled differently. You know how I can be. You are more important than that.”
And then the tears flowed.
The kind of tears that come from an honest conversation where both parties are listened to.
The kind of tears that come from growth.
And then laughter entered.
Resentment, anger, frustration and hurt never did make an appearance.
Tags: cuz I am Woman, gratitude, in search of self, love, Parenting, proactive
And while reading this, I cried……. Love to read your words!
Another milestone. And another “I’m proud of you.” For taking the plunge – and allowing her to clarify herself…
Simply…awesome!
Annie,
You’ve been here since the beginning. Thank you, dear.
Pat,
This growing up business doesn’t get any easier, does it? ;)
Z,
Thanks. ;)
Have a stellar weekend.
So beautiful and clear. It is that simple and we make it so damn hard.
Sandi,
That’s a mystery to me. We do make it so hard. Why do you think that is? Are we trying to protect ourselves?
I do think we are trying to protect ourselves. How many times did we hear those negative words? How many times do we believe that WE are the ones that are different? Too many….
Z,
I know. I want to write a post on HSP, but I’m still convincing myself that being highly sensitive isn’t a bad thing. Those trenches in the brain run deep.
Wow. I’m so proud of you, so proud of her, completely inspired by this unexpected and profound shift for you both.
Sending many hugs and butterflies to you,
~Teresa~
Thanks, T!
It’s always nice to see you here.
Jesse,
This is such a clear and helpful description of relearning how to express feelings without defensiveness. For me, it has been really hard to retrain my brain to stop being defensive when I am hurt or confronted. It was really helpful to see how you literally stopped yourself from falling into the defensive mode or swallowing the hurt and simply stated how the comments hurt you. You did it in a way that was informative and did not put the other person on the spot by using sarcasm or angry words.
I am learning that more and more–I need to stop, think, and then respond carefully when I am in these types of situations. I am especially guarded when responding to my N ex-spouse.
Thank you for writing. I love reading your posts!
Have a peaceful and fun day with Will and Jen!
Hello Lynn!
It’s always nice to hear from you.
I gotta tell ya, I’m trying to channel Katharine Hepburn by standing tall, sticking up for myself, and doing both with grace. And believe me, just cuz I pulled it off once, there’s no guarantee it’ll happen again. ;)
My goal is to do this more times than not.
Baby steps.
Love to you and your kiddos.
Thanks Jesse–love to you and your two also!! I love Katherine Hepburn–I totally get your analogy!
All we can do is our best and keep at it–You and I are so much stronger than we used to be, and that is a very good thing!
Have a great week with lessons and life. Will and Jen are so lucky to have you, and I know you already feel so lucky to have them! Our kids are the gifts from these very difficult relationships–they certainly keep us going!
Much love to you and yours!
Lynn
Lynn,
Our children are what make all of this worth it! ;)