“Can I see you when I get out that way?”
She replied to his email – the one she shouldn’t have opened – with, “As friends.”
He didn’t like that answer. (Do guys ever like that answer?)
He waited to call, hoping she’d make the first move.
She didn’t.
She knew he was not far away, and as each day passed without word from him, she wondered why she even wanted to maintain a friendship.
Over the last year of this long-distance relationship, with little communication in the form of emails, and no communication in the form of phone calls, she’d gotten quite strong in her resolve. She’d grown used to the idea of a future without him. She had stopped thinking about the possibility of moving to where he was.
When she thought of her future, his face wasn’t in it.
__________
A week and then 10 days passed.
She was angered by his not having any interest in maintaining a friendship. How naive was she to think they could relate on any level?
Then she saw his name in her inbox.
She opened his email. He’d be leaving soon and wondered if she’d be interested in meeting for lunch.
What could it hurt? She didn’t feel that for him. There was nothing left to rekindle. That flame had been snuffed out months ago by his lack of attention and failure to communicate.
Lunch turned into dinner.
Dinner turned into badminton in the street with Jen and Will.
Badminton turned into a matinee.
The matinee turned into another dinner and there she was – revisiting all the what ifs and the maybes and the possibilities.
She picked at the old wounds. Had she expected too much in the past? Was this as good as it gets? Could she mold herself to be happy with him? Could she settle?
He asked if she’d be coming to visit. He told her he saw her in his future. He asked if they had a chance.
And then he left.
She picked at the old wound some more. What she thought was healed was still raw and painful.
And then the tears flowed.
She acknowledged that frightened part of herself – the vulnerable sensitive part that feared a future without a partner.
She clenched her fists and tried not to cry, but that only made the tears flow more.
And so she grabbed more Kleenex and leaned into the fears knowing she had dealt with these issues before, and she could do it again.
She opted for red wine instead of Neosporin.
She bandaged with talk and humor.
She spoke the words that her heart demanded her to say.
“While this might be good for him and it might be good for Will, it’s not good for me.”
She laughed at herself for thinking she was strong enough to just be friends.
When the tears subsided, she checked the dressings.
The more she laughed at herself, the better she felt.
The more honest she was about what she was feeling, the quicker she could move beyond tears.
The new scar tissue would make this wound that much tougher.
Tags: a girl can dream, cuz I am Woman, friendship, humor, love
I think so, but am unsure and curious to know if “he” is the guy who didn’t initially go after her in the beginning? It is hard to, in my opinion, remain friends with someone you previously had/have feelings for. It is not impossible, but it requires a lot of work. You definitely both have to work on the friendship, which requires consistent, good, communication on both parts. If this is one sided, not reciprocated, or if one person can’t just be “friends” hence the challenge is created. I think for guys it is hard to have a friendship if the desire past and present is to be more than. In my experience the “being just friends” is the final nail in coffin scenaro. For guys it’s finite.
I don’t think she expected too much in the past. I think she already knows deep down if this is as good as it gets. When she trusts and listens to her body, the answer is always evident. I think she wants to continue to mold her own person & life, and know that the other person will not try to change her, but respect, love, and honor her self and choices. She knows her self worth, and can again trust herself to know if she would be settling. What is she gaining/receiving in this relationship? Is she losing or giving up more? Does he make her happy? Does her heart & head feel at ease?
The tears allow her to know she is present. She is feeling, questioning, and her fears are valid. She will give the adequate amount of time to fully sit with them each separately and honestly. I am not sure how this ends, but I do know now she has a strong backbone, life experience, great instincts, and better methods for caring and deciding for herself. Whatever she decides will be the right choice.
Companionship is more than lunch, dinner, badminton, and matinees, but I don’t have to tell you that. We all get lost in the ‘what ifs’ sometimes and get a little pissed with reality for bringing us down from the clouds. But, with feet firmly planted on solid ground, backbones straighten, fists tighten, and the stride is confident and determined. xoxo
Years ago, about 24 to be exact, an awesome friend asked me, “Are you settling? You should never settle.” Of course, she asked this about 1 week before the wedding. I may have hesitated because I wanted to make sure I was truly putting some thought into her question, but knew that I was not settling.
Still married going through the normal ups and downs of a relationship and still stick to my answer of, “no, I am not settling.”
So in the words of this amazingly wonderful, smart, supportive, beautiful, generous, caring, loving, and the list goes on for miles………woman–DO NOT SETTLE. You deserve better than that, and will find that.
Love Debbie
Kira,
“Does her heart and head feel at ease?”
NO!!!
And that really is the benchmark, isn’t it?
As always, your wise words help many.
I can’t help but think that you wrote this as much for yourself as for “her”. ;)
Z,
As a wise friend told me, trying to fit a square peg into a round hole might be fun for a casual relationship, but it doesn’t bode well for a long term relationship.
And so she strides off into the distance – with fond memories – knowing she made the right choice….
Debbie,
And you are SO blessed with your choice – as is he – even with all the ups and downs.
Thank you for the encouragement.
Love you.
Just a thought…do you think her struggle had to do with rejecting someone that “wants” her? Even if it is not the kind of relationship that she desires, do you suppose her past has made these choices even harder? Through her growth, could it be less about her vulnerabilities and more about serving the rejection that she for years endured?
Z,
Oh! You are goooood.
Yes, it has to do with rejecting someone who ‘wants’ her.
And it has to do with disappointing him, which flies in the face of INFJ.
Yikes, if that’s the spin of the karma wheel – the serving of rejection – she’s ready to move on.
Ahem…. at least that’s what ‘she’ told me.
I hope she now realizes that it is not about her being weak, but rather, it is about what she has overcome. :)
Z,
… Overcome with the help of friends.
I’ll be sure to let her know. Thanks. ;)
Yes that is the benchmark . I like to think we all write for each other :). I must admit i’ts much easier for me to support others, more than I support & listen to myself. But I am learning to. You all help me more and more to do this as well.
Kira,
I know!
I have said this before and I’ll say it again…
The words written in the comment section of this blog are the words that guide myself and Will and Jen. And the words I write are there to – hopefully – guide others.
Ying and yang.
It’s a nice balance.