She said, “Mom, how much longer do I have to do these dad visits?”
What would you say?
Tags: child of narcissist, cuz I am Woman, front lines, narcissism, narcissist behavior, narcissistic behavior, NPD, Parenting
What Would You Say?
Surviving Narcissism Exploring life after marriage to a narcissist. Learning and thriving by sharing our story. – Jesse Blayne
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Seems like this is where your loving support comes in: “Honey, everyone has to do hard things. And sometimes we have to keep doing them over and over. You’re a strong girl. I know you can do this. And I will always be here with a hug when you come back, and we can talk about the best part of your visit with Dad, and the part you didn’t like as much.”
In the meantime, if she’s not in physical harm, whether or not she visits Dad is not negotiable. You are ONE of the best moms I know (there are three others (O: ). You removed your children from a damaging home life and give them a soft place to land every single day. You removed them from a more than unsatisfactory school situation and they’re flourishing under your teaching. Both of them have already become so much more able to deal with their dad – thanks to the tools you’ve given them and helped them practice. It must break your heart to hear her say “how much longer…,” but she can do it – with your continued support.
Love to both of you …
Pat,
Thank you.
We needed that.
It’s good to be reminded that we all have to do hard things – over and over again. Childhood does not come with a ‘Get Out of Jail Free Card’.
Love you, too.
Hi Jesse,
Thinking here . . . I think one of the best things you can do is validate Jen that it is hard and that you wish things were different. Given that they are not, reassure her that you are there for her anytime–night or day–and that you will do all you can to support her through the hard stuff and the not-so-hard stuff of life.
It is heartbreaking that the one of two people in her life that should be the most supportive, loving, reliable, and kind is not. I am certain Jen and Will will come through all of this largely due to their strong spirits and your love and support. You are a wonderful example to Will and Jen. They are very blessed to have you, and I know you are blessed to have them.
I am sorry for all the pain. I understand, and I truly wish it were different for all of us and our children.
Hugs . . . to all of you.
Pat says the most awesome things! That was lovely.
When mine asked me that, I said something like this and that as he got older, he had more choices. He did say he wished he was 16…lol… But also is determined to have a relationship with his dad so he has learned to pretend it is all ok. :(
I still ask questions and talk about some things because the rejection is just around the corner and I need him to be prepared. My oldest wasn’t because I didn’t know it was coming either and is forever scarred.
I am sure you handled it perfectly, Jesse!
Lynn,
Thanks for writing. I know you know what this is like. I know you know the instinct to protect.
And I know you feel the exhaustion that comes with this never-ending struggle.
I wish it were different for all of us, too – especially the kids.
Sending love and thanks.
Z,
Thank you. I know you speak from the trenches, as well.
I hate hearing them say, “I wish I was 16, 18… ” whatever. I hate that they are quick to wish their childhoods away.
The pretending that all is ok is scary, but necessary for survival. My daughter is an expert.
My heart breaks for your oldest… for all the kids in this.
Sending an extra hug for your oldest.
Being on the outside, I’m not sure how to be delicate with this issue. However, I’d tell her either until she’s 18 or until she tells the court or a judge that she’s done with him. That might seem like an eternity, and it might not help, but she doesn’t have to put up with him once she’s a legal adult. It won’t be mandated by court orders anymore.
I guess the way to be delicate with the subject would be to console her. Remind her that at home with you that you’ll be able to get paint splatter wherever. Remind her that she can make a mess in the kitchen while baking or cooking, and it doesn’t matter if she’s covered in flour when she offers you that first bite of something tasty. Remind her that home is always there, and that it’s only a few days of being stuck with HIM.
I hope that helps, but I wish that things didn’t have to be that way even more. Poor kids. =(
Meredith,
First, let me say, your kids are so blessed to have you for their mom. They did a good job picking! ;)
I love your contribution. It’s imperative to maintain a soft landing for when they get home. You hit the nail on the head with what you said about what is allowed in our house.
I often hear myself reminding her that it could be worse, you could have to see him more than you do’ or worse, we could still be living there.
Thanks again.
Pat, Lynn, Zaira, and Meredith,
Thanks for sending some light our way. We needed it today.
Love you guys.
Love you and yours too Jesse!