Surviving Narcissism Exploring life after marriage to a narcissist. Learning and thriving by sharing our story. – Jesse Blayne

Stumbling in the dark, hoping to avoid stepping on the cat on my way to making that first cup of coffee in the morning, I do not have the presence of mind to plan on having a happy day.   Once I’ve had those first sips and my eyes start to focus, I am not any closer to consciously thinking, “Today is going to be really happy.”

Will is six-month-old puppy-happy every day, and even he doesn’t get out of bed and announce, “Today I’m going to be really happy.”  He just is.  That is his default setting.

My setting is more in the range of – get along; don’t rock any boats; hope to get a few things done and feel like I’m a decent person by the end of the day kind of setting.

Grooves and Defaults

Our defaults are determined by those grooves that run deep in our brain.  Will’s got some pretty deep grooves that lead straight to that happy puppy kind of day – every day.  I am exceedingly thankful for that.  Jen’s grooves run somewhat similar to mine – we aim for content, not bounce-off-the-walls happy.

I have another groove that Jen and Will don’t have.  At least I hope they don’t have this groove.

I have the Oh Crap – relationships require a lot of work – this is never easy – I’m going to screw up again Groove.

When he doesn’t answer an email right away; if I get my feelings hurt or take something personally; or if she doesn’t return my call, the wheels of my “car” hit the edges of those familiar grooves and settle in for a long ride.  Those feelings that I’m most familiar with – fear, anxiety, worry – hang out in the backseat surrounded by fast food wrappers and empty water bottles.  Because I know those feelings so well, they actually feel good.  I know how to handle them.  I know how to navigate those ruts.

I have lots of experience with that path.

I don’t consciously put my “car” in the grooves, it heads there on autopilot.  While I might make the choice to NOT feel afraid or worried or insecure, that would require that I make a new groove.  I don’t like that old groove, and I’m damn sick of the scenery, but…  making a new groove – a happy groove – requires that I hit the gas and jump the ruts.

That takes some nerve.

Even if I’m sick of the view from the old ruts, I don’t have to think about driving.  I can sit back, eat Fritos, crank the tunes and get to where I’m going.

Destination:  Failed relationship.

I know how to deal with failure.  As another friend said, “Maybe you fear success in a relationship.”  Since I don’t know any of the road signs on the path to a successful relationship, the trip is scary.   There could be any number of wrong turns.  What if the scenery isn’t much better on that road?  I can’t put the car on autopilot in this uncharted territory.  I have to pay attention.

So when I read this quote about the ego choosing victimhood, I had to think.

I do not consciously choose to be the victim.  Hell, I don’t even like that word.  But…  I do know that route.  For some reason that I can’t explain, that route is comfortable to me.  I guess it is because it is known.

Feeling sorry for myself is like eating a big comforting bowl of macaroni and cheese.  It’s not good for me, but it’s familiar, and I do enjoy the taste once in awhile.

A Healthier Choice

I’m all about making the healthier choices:  salad over mac and cheese; reading instead of TV; a positive supportive relationship versus  ….  whatever it is I’ve had in the past.

Making that choice requires more than just waking up, taking a sip of strong hot coffee and saying, “Today, I choose a healthy, happy, shiny relationship.”

This new choice requires attention and active participation.  Making this choice is akin to creating a new habit.

Making this choice means I might need new tires or a cleaner windshield.  At the very least, I could push fear, anxiety and worry over and make room for trust.  Between you and me, I’d like to hit the gas on a sharp turn, open the back door and watch fear, anxiety and worry cartwheel down the road in my rear view mirror.

My lizard brain might make the choice that feels a lot like victimhood.  The lizard brain gravitates to the deep grooves.  It might look like I’m consciously making that choice, but that’s my default.  A default is not the same as a conscious choice.

I need to override the lizard brain.  I will turn off cruise control and take control of this “car”.

It’s time for a good road trip.

I’m ready for some new scenery.