Surviving Narcissism Exploring life after marriage to a narcissist. Learning and thriving by sharing our story. – Jesse Blayne

I sat in the lobby of the old hospital building when my kids were in their last counseling session.  The session was over two hours long.  I sat and waited.  I should have gotten groceries.  I should have run to the bank.  I could have done a lot of things.  Will was concerned that Mark might take them ‘somewhere’ after the session.  To offer Will some comfort, I promised that I’d be sitting there when the kids got out of the session.

I did not want to risk missing them and frightening them.

I sat for two hours wondering how I got to this place.  How did I marry this guy?  How did I get into a situation where I have to guide two precious people through this strange relationship with their dad?

I was the only person in the lobby area.  I was surrounded by masculine leather furniture, elegantly arranged dried plants in over-sized urns and decorating, financial and sports magazines.  I wasn’t interested in reading a magazine.  All I could do was stare at the wall in front of me.

On that wall, there were three large, ornately framed, sepia-toned black and white photos of the construction of the building.  The building started out as a Catholic Hospital, in 1892.  The photos showed a grouping of nuns standing on the second floor, looking down as the building was blessed by an officiant from the Catholic Church.  There were cars – probably Model Ts – parked on the street in front of the new construction.  The photos showed workers in tattered clothes, nuns in their robes, and the Priest in vestments.  The contrast was both ordinary and striking.  It was a glimpse of life on this day, in a small town in the west.  In that day, the hospital was a welcomed addition to this town.

It is no longer a hospital.  Now it houses offices for lawyers and counselors, a fitness center, hair salons, a Reiki Center and some snack shops.  The old building outlived its usefulness as a hospital, but managed to adapt and adjust to new uses.

Back when the construction was completed, excited new parents would see their newborn laying in a bassinet in rooms with celery green painted walls.  I was born in this old building.

I thought of myself, as one of these newborns, laying in my own bassinet with my father’s last name on an index card, that had been pinned to the foot of the tiny bed.  I had this image of bending over and whispering sage advice in those new pink ears.  I hoped my newborn self would learn by osmosis.

This is what I’d say:

It’s all about love. It’s about love of family, friends, pets, books, your first bike, a coveted pair of shoes, Christmas morning, fireflies, a favorite song, your mom’s cooking, ice cream and sleeping in.

If you are really lucky, you’ll grow up and love the work you choose to do.

Please try to find work you will love.

Loving can be hard. Your dog will love you back, but the ice cream, not so much.  In fact, if you’re not careful, when you get older, you won’t be able to eat all the ice cream you want, because it’ll stick to your hips.  Eat all the ice cream you can when you are young.

You may not always be loved back by those you choose to love.  Love anyway.  Don’t be chintzy with who or how you love.  Love with all your heart.  Don’t hold anything back.  You can’t take it with you.

Trust yourself. Don’t doubt what you are capable of accomplishing.  If others suggest that you have limitations, that is usually about them, not about you.  If others say hurtful words, those words are about them.

Be kind. Life is more fun when you have company.  The kinder you are, the more company you’ll have.

Keep learning. Learning keeps things interesting, and it keeps you interesting.  The longer you are interested in life, the longer you’ll be around to enjoy it.  The more interesting you are, the more company you’ll have.

Respect your body. Have ice cream.  Enjoy potato chips.  Sip wine.  Drink coffee.  Life presents us with so many wonderful choices of things to eat and drink.  But, be careful with the amounts you consume.  Less is more.  The less you consume, the longer you’ll be around.

Don’t smoke.

If you take care of your body, your mind will be healthier, too.

It’s about perspective. Remember that how you see things is about how you see things.  Your perspective is not less important or more important than another person’s perspective.

Be comfortable with change. You will make choices that may not work out so well.  Don’t fear those results.  Learn from those choices and make new ones.

Laugh a lot. Laugh with others and at yourself.

Sleep at least eight hours every night.

Listen. Listen with both ears.  Don’t plan what you want to say while you are listening.

When you think you’ve loved all you can, love some more.

What would you whisper in your own ear?

Please share your wisdom and advice.