I have one of those screensavers on my laptop that displays all the photos in My Pictures. I still have all the photos from when we lived with Mark. Others have commented that it’s a little odd that I haven’t removed them. That screensaver provides a lot of entertainment for Will and Jenny. It’s like having a whole bunch of photo albums at their fingertips. Their dad is still a huge part of their lives and they get a great deal of enjoyment out of the photos.
If it pains me to see pictures of Mark, then I haven’t moved on.
The other day I walked by the laptop and saw a nice photo of Mark with one of the kids. I thought how sad it is that he misses out on the day-to-day stuff with Will and Jen. As an accommodator, it is easy to lose sleep over stuff like that. That’s why it took me so long to leave.
I felt sorry for Mark over many issues. I felt sorry for him because of his upbringing. I felt sorry for him because of the distance between himself and the rest of his family. Was I going to feel sorry for him for the rest of my life? Naturally, there was a point when I was too mad to feel sorry. But mostly, it is sad that NPD prevents him from really knowing his kids. NPD prevents him from having any healthy relationships.
There is so much written about forgiveness. We’ve heard it all about how the only one who is hurt when you hold a grudge is yourself.
It’s a funny thing about forgiveness and narcissists. A narcissist never sees that they have done anything wrong. They are seldom walking around thinking that anyone is mad at them – that doesn’t occur to them. What could anyone possibly be mad at them about? How can you take issue with perfection? Clearly the issues belong to everyone else.
I got to the point where I stopped feeling sorry for Mark. I got to the point where I could forgive him. Once I realized that he was narcissistic, I could stop being mad at him for not trying. He was incapable of behaving differently. Being mad at him was only hurting myself, and Will and Jenny.
Mark believes that he is acting for the benefit of all – that every life would be enriched by associating with him. He doesn’t realize that he lacks empathy for others. How could anyone be upset with Mark when surely their whole world revolves around him?
Don’t we hold grudges because we are ultimately hoping that, at some point, the person who wronged us will come to realize the pain they’ve caused? Don’t we secretly think that they will come to their senses, beg for forgiveness and all will be right with the world?
The very nature of narcissism prevents that realization from ever happening. He was, and still is, clueless that any of his behavior impacted my health. I had to forgive and move on to preserve my health, and the health of our kids.
Tags: child of narcissist, divorce, life, love, narcissism, narcissist behavior, narcissistic behavior, NPD, Parenting, proactive, survive
Jesse,
This post is spot on to what it is like to recover from building a life with a narcissist and feeling it give way underneath you to the point you have to leap or you and your children will go under physically, spiritually, and emotionally.
There is an image that stays with me from the book, THE SHACK. Forgiveness is described as letting go of the throat of the one who has harmed you. That is such a powerful image. I am learning more and more to let go . . . and let the Universe take care of the apologies that will never come.
Thanks for writing and sharing your thoughts and experiences.
All the best . . .
Lynn,
I re-read this post to see if I really do forgive him. I can say that I do, and that I feel so much more peace because of the forgiveness. Oh, he still irritates the hell out of me – even as recently as yesterday. But now, I process those frustrations and refuse to walk around with a cloud over my head.
It is what it is. He hasn’t changed yet.
Must check out the book you mentioned.
Thanks,
Jesse
Lynn,
I can’t quit thinking about your comment.
It occurs to me that the harder person to forgive is me – for having gotten myself into that relationship. I’m working on that – I’m less hard on myself than I used to be.
Of course, I know that Jen and Will wouldn’t be here had I not made that choice.
Jesse,
I understand a lot of what you are saying and feeling. Forgiveness is a long process at least it seems to be for me. I do not expect anything but ice-cold cruelty from him toward me. I do not expect that to change. However, I do expect basic civility and decency when we interact. Otherwise, I will not engage.
I had to forgive myself too, but I am also coming to terms with the reality that the man I thought I married never really left the church with me.
I crave justice and for all I did for him and our family to be acknowledged. That will not happen. However, like you, I focus on my children and continue to do all I can to help them cope and grow into the beautiful human beings they are and will be. I am very blessed to have them.
Be kind to yourself . . . you are doing wonderful things for your children and many others—myself included. This blog is a very supportive and positive place.
Thank you again,
Lynn
Lynn,
Thank YOU, for coming back to this site and sharing your experiences.
I like to think that all of us who write here are helping others who are dealing with the same issues.
I would be lying if I said that I never harbor hopes that one day Mark will see what I did for him and what I do on a daily basis for our kids. But… I also know the chances of that are slim, unless of course he finds a way to make any acknowledgment of me about him.