I just came back from a weekend away. It was just four nights, but it required a lot of preparation to make it possible for me to go. I won’t say that I had to move heaven and earth, but I pretty much had to shift the continental U.S. to make it happen. I probably would most likely have more options for child care if I didn’t have a problem with imposing on others. Accommodators don’t like to impose. That is against our very nature. Add to that the fact that if I’m going away on a little holiday, I can’t enjoy myself if I think my kids are going to be miserable. So, I do bend over backwards to make sure all parties will be relatively happy if I should get the chance to go.
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It is not an option for Will and Jenny to stay at their father’s house. They don’t even stay for over-nighters. Eight months ago I took a trip, arranged for the kids to spend part of the time at their father’s, part with an aunt, and part with grandma. Mark could not, or would not, clear his schedule for the entire length of my trip. And it is exhausting for grandma to handle the lifestyle adjustment for the entire trip. I had to get creative. (See what I mean?)
When I returned from my trip, Jenny told me that she wasn’t comfortable spending the night at her dad’s anymore. Will agreed that he wasn’t comfortable staying at Mark’s either. It seems there was an “incident” that made Jenny confused and uncomfortable and she asked me to not make her stay there anymore. I discussed “the incident” with Mark, and of course he denied everything. I had no choice but to trust Jenny. It is my job to protect her. I made the decision to allow the kids to see their father only when I would be present. There would be no over-nighters — ever.
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For this most recent getaway, the kids stayed at grandma and grandpa’s. Mark has maintained somewhat of a relationship with my folks. That means that he regals them with the stories of his successes, and they are polite enough to listen.
He waltzed on to the scene on Saturday, to show my folks what a wonderful father he is.
On Sunday he invited the kids to go swimming at his health club.
The kids and I have discussed the possibility of their going swimming with Mark. We have an understanding that if they are invited, they both must go. Will did not want to go. Jenny didn’t want to hurt her father’s feelings by saying that she did not want to go. By default, Jenny ended up going alone with Mark. (Mark had tried to persuade Will to go by saying things like, “I am the priority. I don’t care if you have plans for fun things to do with grandpa. I am your father. You have to come with me.” Will is developing the skills to stand up to his father, although grandma did have to intervene a bit.)
My mom called and told me that she had given Mark a key to my house so that they could find Jenny’s swim suit, but they were having a hard time finding it. (My mom knows of the incident. I can only guess that she forgot about the boundaries.)
I have made a lot of personal progress. I didn’t explode. I didn’t rant and rave. I think I did a fair job of avoiding any drama. I took a couple incredibly deep, down-to-my-toes breaths, attempted to control the shaking in my voice, and I reminded my mom that Jenny is not allowed to go anywhere with her father by herself. She is forbidden to go to the family changing room at the health club alone with Mark, and she is forbidden to go to Mark’s house alone.
My mom went out to Mark’s to retrieve Jenny and explained that she was caught in the middle, and that perhaps he should consider taking the kids swimming when Jesse is back in town. At that point he told her that his not being able to see his kids was all my fault.
I’m pretty sure that the incident that Jenny described to me eight months ago had nothing to do with me. Other than the fact that I thought I could trust that my kids would be safe spending the night at their dad’s.
Is it a coincidence that he chose the first weekend that I have gone any where in eight months to take the kids swimming? I had informed him of my trip, could he have requested that the kids stay at his place then? He didn’t make that request because he knew I would say, “NO.”
Isn’t it history repeating itself when he says that this current situation is all my fault? Has he conveniently forgotten any part that he has played in his not being able to see the kids alone? Does he think I will figure out that Jenny made up this story about the incident, because he is so wonderful, and would never dream of doing anything to hurt his little girl?
My point is this: If he is so desperate to see more of his children, why did he wait until I left town before making those desires known?
Tags: all about me, child of narcissist, divorce, narcissism, narcissist behavior, narcissistic behavior, NPD
