Lack of Empathy « Surviving Narcissism

Lack of Empathy

When The Other Shoe Doesn’t Drop

Apparently, the Narcissist’s other shoe is not made of concrete. Apparently, the other shoe will not even be dropped. Mark received The Email from mom. And, as previously written, she dared say things I have never had the guts to say. She delivered a 2 x 4 to his forehead with more force than I thought her slender arms could produce. She blew off the end of the smoking gun, re-holstered, and stood with arms crossed, head high, waiting for a response.

I, however, metaphorically cowered in the corner while the kids chatted about firecrackers, s’mores, the cabin and the hopes of landing the first trout of the season.

The first responses were received by Will and Jenny. Mark told them, rather briefly, that he was surprised that they think he’s a bad dad. He has always felt that he was a wonderful dad. He would not be making them any promises to change anything, because he doesn’t quite know what to change.

I’ll refrain from saying something petty like, “Please refer to the previous 47 emails from the kids telling you what makes them uncomfortable.” Or, “Maybe you could start with the baby voice.”

The next day, mom received a similarly brief response. Once again, he is shocked that his parenting style is receiving any criticism. He has always believed that he was being the best father to all his kids. He mentioned that he has been quite happy, recently, and that he’s shocked that his happiness hasn’t made it possible for him to be an even better father. Continue reading →

Child of Narcissist / Control / Lack of Empathy / The World Revolves Around Me / You Might Be a Narcissist If ... — 5 Comments
28
Jun 10

The Narcissist’s Other Shoe

This is the calm before the storm. Or is it? After Mark’s last email to Will, we have not heard much from him. It has been quite pleasant around here. Although, there is a part of me that wonders what’s coming next.

Will received that lengthy, mom-bashing, blame-laying, ‘your life wouldn’t be what it is today without all the sacrifices I’ve made for you’ email on the day before Father’s Day. Jenny and Will opted not to call him. On the evening of Father’s Day, Mark left a message asking only to talk to Jenny. Jenny begrudgingly returned his call on Monday. It sounded like Mark was actually asking detailed questions about her weekend. He did not ask to talk to Will.

On Tuesday, Mark called, and this time asked to talk to Will. He had some story about his neighbors, to relay to Will. He ended the conversation by saying, “Hey, I’m floating the river tomorrow. Do you want to come?” He didn’t discuss the email, or Will’s lack of response to his email. After Will got off the phone, he shook his head and said, “Dad is doing that thing where he is pretending that everything is fine.”

Will didn’t go floating with Mark.

I answered the phone on Thursday. Mark asked if the kids were home. I held up the phone and said, “You guys, it’s your dad.” They both looked at me, shook their heads, and whispered, “NO! We don’t want to talk to him.” Instead of forcing them to talk to their dad, I said, “Mark, neither one of the kids wants to come to the phone.” He sternly said, “Okay. Goodbye.” Continue reading →

Child of Narcissist / Lack of Empathy / Moving On / Random Observations / Seeing My Path / Tools — 11 Comments
22
Jun 10

When The Path Is Overgrown

orange-wildflowers I am the stream. I am the stream. I am the stream.

Yeah.

Whatever.

There are a few more rapids in the stream today.

I do believe in the stream. I am the stream. But, today I needed a little help getting around a humongous boulder. Continue reading →

Child of Narcissist / Lack of Empathy / The World Revolves Around Me / You Might Be a Narcissist If ... — 8 Comments
17
Jun 10

When Fear is the Bus Driver

“Whoa! That was a fun ride!” she says, facetiously. I’m sure it won’t be the last time Fear drives this bus. But, for now, I’m back behind the wheel. I’ve got to look into getting some seat belts installed on this thing. The view from the back seat was interesting, but a little blurry because Fear was driving so fast. That’s probably why I was up the night before last, vomiting. Fear does that to me. It’s a lot like car sickness.

This morning is cold, cloudy and rainy. My mood, however, matches a 75 degree, sunny, windless day.

I’m driving now, and I have my confidence back. The ride is smoother, more leisurely, and I’m sure we’ll stop for snacks and take in a matinee.

Fear took control of the bus when I lost faith in myself and what I know to be true.

I was silencing my own voice, to better hear what others had to say. But I forgot that no one knows my kids as well as I do. No one knows their hurts, their insecurities and their fears like me, because I know how they got them. Continue reading →

Child of Narcissist / Control / Lack of Empathy / The World Revolves Around Me / You Might Be a Narcissist If ... — 9 Comments
15
Jun 10

Fear on the Frontlines

I am scared. My stomach hurts.

Mark talked to my mom before his counseling session today. He admitted that yesterday’s visit did not go well. He said he thinks he can’t reach Will. I’m stunned that he can see this.

My head was reeling with the sudden change in Mark’s tone.

Is he ready to discard the kids because they aren’t interested in sourcing his narcissism? He has never admitted to this strained relationship with Will before. Why now?

The kids are scheduled for a session with Mark and the counselor tomorrow. They are begging me not to make them go. They are crying. They are pleading.

I’ve told them that we are taking the ‘high road’. We will go to one more session to show Mark, and the world, that we are giving this our best. Continue reading →

Child of Narcissist / Lack of Empathy / The World Revolves Around Me / You Might Be a Narcissist If ... — 5 Comments
12
Jun 10

What A Dad Does

backyard-water-slide This photo reminds me of all the fun that was had around our house this week. Those drops of water are getting ready to slide down the tulip leaf. You can almost hear the drops saying, “Wheeeee!”

Kelle, my cousin’s daughter, was invited to stay Monday night. Her mom and sister went on a trip, and we thought it’d be fun to have Kel here to hang out with Jen and Will for a night and a day.

They had so much fun, that Monday night and Tuesday turned into Tuesday night …

You can see where this is going.

I started to feel bad for Joe, her dad. I thought he might be missing his daughter a bit, so we invited him for pizza Tuesday night. He arrived during major renovations. The kids hatched a plan to move the fort they had constructed in the living room, to the back yard. I dug out the inflatable mattress and the pump. We were twenty minutes into inflation when Will announced that Jenny could blow up the mattress faster than that silly pump. Joe offered to run to the other side of town to get his pump. Continue reading →

Child of Narcissist / Lack of Empathy / The World Revolves Around Me / You Might Be a Narcissist If ... — 7 Comments
9
Jun 10

The Narcissist’s Instincts

I woke to the sound of our cat crunching on her breakfast. We buy her the good stuff. I’m sure that’s why she’s so nice to us. Then I heard her claws click across the hardwoods as she made her way down the hall and across my bedroom. I heard the pause before she jumped on my bed. She snuggled in for a morning nap after filling her belly. My bed sets beside a sliding glass door that looks out on the Poplar in the back yard. Just as the cat closed her eyes, I saw a Robin land on the shed roof next to the Poplar.

I don’t know how my cat saw the Robin with her eyes closed. There wasn’t a sound to alert her. Her body tensed, her hair stood on end, and she started making that chattering sound that cats make when all-systems-are-go, and there’s a victim to be trounced upon. Her instincts kicked in. She went from full belly/drowsy eyes to ready to pounce in 2.3 seconds.

That is the power of instinct.

I didn’t babysit much as a teenager. I wasn’t interested. I didn’t want to hold babies. Truth is, I was afraid of babies and their needs and their vulnerability. I didn’t think they were particularly cute, and they smelled weird.

As I got older, I got to a place where I actually wanted a baby. It was a foreign concept and a new feeling for me. I felt this longing, but I couldn’t conceptualize why I wanted this thing that I hadn’t been interested in. I won’t go into the clock ticking and the insatiable hunger and that stuff. It was just this low-grade hum that kept telling me, “You want this. Your life isn’t complete without this.” Continue reading →

Child of Narcissist / Control / Lack of Empathy / You Might Be a Narcissist If ... — 6 Comments
5
Jun 10

Sitting On The Sidelines

Sometimes I have wished that I could take the messy parts of life, put them in a cardboard box, seal the box with packing tape and put it on a high shelf in the garage. It isn’t realistic to send the box out with the trash. Oh, if we could just get a reprieve from thinking about that stuff. I’d label the box with a thick, black Sharpie – “Do Not Open Until Mentally Prepared to Deal”. The box would collect dust. I’d move it occasionally. I’d take it down and think I was ready to open it. I’d take a box cutter and slit the tape and just the opening of the top would let a vapor into the garage. The vapor would cloud everything, and I’d grab the tape and hurriedly seal the box back up. I’d put the box back on the shelf, wait for the vapor to dissipate and tell myself that in another couple weeks, I’d better be able to handle the contents of the box.

My mom came and metaphorically put all my’ Mark Junk’ in a plastic grocery bag and took it to her house. She hatched a plan, and because I’m overwhelmed and weighted down, I let her take the grocery bag to her house. I didn’t just let her, I helped put the junk in the bag. I may have even put the bag in her car.

What was she thinking?

I think a few folks wondered if I actually did throw – as in send flying across the room and crash-landing against a wall – a couple plates, during a phone call with Mark. That was a reference to my vacation zen post where I spoke of visualizing a stack of plates balanced precariously on my head. Balancing the ‘virtual’ plates was a way to maintain focus, not get myself riled, and stay on course. I lost my focus in the conversation with Mark, but I didn’t literally throw any plates. The only object I’ve ever thrown AT another person was a fork. I was 11 my brother was 9. He was incredibly brother-like, I was incredibly big sister-like, I lost patience and threw a fork at him. My aim was, and still is, lousy. I broke a pane out of the french glass door.

And when I was telling my mom about losing it with Mark, I made reference to the fact that every time I try to communicate something to Mark about how the kids are feeling, “I might as well be squirting lighter fluid on burning briquettes.” Continue reading →

Child of Narcissist / Control / Lack of Empathy / Moving On / The World Revolves Around Me / Tools / You Might Be a Narcissist If ... — 2 Comments
29
May 10

Venting Prevents Action

“What do I have to do to be good enough so dad will love me?” “How come I have such a bad dad?” “My life won’t be good without a good dad.” And to that I said, “Honey, do I have a bad life? How am I doing? I have a pretty darned good life, don’t I?” And through alligator tears Jenny said, “It’s just not fair. When are you going to get us a real dad?” I wanted to say, “Well it’s not like I can put a post on Craig’s List saying, “Need one great dad for two amazing little people. Must like listening, Barbies, joke telling, card trick teaching, golfing, fishing, bow hunting, skiing and relating. Don’t need husband. Narcissists need not apply.”

And so we continue this bizarre odyssey of trying to navigate a relationship with a guy who is completely clueless about how to relate to his kids.

Mark purchased a new set of golf clubs, new hiking boots, and is shopping for new running shoes for Will. Nice, right? He took Jenny to get a pair of earrings, and said, “Some day I’ll have to get you a bike.” Then he turned to me and said, “Does she need new shoes?” He was standing right next to Jen, but he didn’t ask her that question. Jen looked at me and said, “Mom, I don’t have any good running around shoes.” But he didn’t hear her. He wasn’t listening for an answer to the question he’d asked.

Instead of relating to or listening to his beautiful kids, he buys them things. This isn’t a new thing for divorced couples. But most divorced adults might be cognizant enough to realize that the gift buying should approach fairness, to some degree.

Now, of course, Jen thinks that Mark loves Will more. Will is crying because he feels bad for his sister. Continue reading →

Child of Narcissist / Lack of Empathy / Moving On / Seeing My Path / You Might Be a Narcissist If ... — 14 Comments
26
May 10

Free To Be Beautiful

I can’t remember if I ever thought I was pretty. I have a vague recollection that I felt beautiful, for the first time, when I held my newborn babies. I was swollen, blotchy, sweaty and exhausted, but I felt beautiful.

I have spent a lot of years denying my femininity. Along the way, I received messages that I heard as criticisms of femininity in general, not just my own femininity.

In college, I hated my body and hid behind baggy Levis and un-tucked, too large flannel shirts. The older I got, the more I looked at makeup, painted nails and dyed hair as superficial wastes of time.

I made excuses for being sensitive and emotional – feelings typically attributed to femininity. I tried to hide those feelings.

If people were going to like me, they were going to like the plain, unmade-up me – the unemotional me. Continue reading →

Child of Narcissist / Lack of Empathy / The World Revolves Around Me / Tools — 2 Comments
6
May 10

Trail Guide

“I’m afraid that whatever I write will make this worse.” That was the start of Jenny’s assignment today. Yesterday afternoon, the counselor called to set up an appointment for a Friday session with Mark and the kids. She asked that we agree to have Mark pick the kids up and take them to the appointment.

Will and Jen are not at all thrilled about riding to the appointment with Mark. I think the lack of contact has made them even more uncomfortable with their dad. I can see why the counselor wants them to ride with Mark. She wants to see what the kids are like, when they aren’t washed in my influence. And I agree with her. Even though I’m trying to be very diplomatic with this process, they will pick up on my energy. We are too tight for that not to happen.

Will is currently penning an 11 year old’s version of The Grapes of Wrath. He hasn’t taken any breaks to ask for a cup of coffee or swing a club. He has completely embraced this assignment. His paper starts with, “What Bugs Me About My Dad.”

I wanted to help them vent their frustrations by turning this into a home school project. They’ll have more material to discuss at the counseling session, and hopefully they will be able to unload their hearts a bit. Perhaps this assignment will calm them and guide them during tomorrow’s appointment.

They’ll head back into Narcissism Country with their own trail guides. I’m going to cover them in body armor and stick little virtual spray cans of mace in their hands. Continue reading →

Child of Narcissist / Lack of Empathy / Moving On / The World Revolves Around Me / Tools / You Might Be a Narcissist If ... — 8 Comments
5
May 10

Hiking in Narcissism Country

It’s a bad idea to walk through rattlesnake habitat in flip flops. It isn’t advisable to hike through grizzly territory with bacon tucked in your back pocket. Children should never be left unattended in mountain lion country.

Once, even though I knew better, I walked through a dry, stubble field in Teva Sandals. The one time I did, I came within 6 inches of a rattlesnake. I was lucky, but there’s no excuse for not being prepared, for not using my brain, for being cavalier about what could be lying in wait.

The same goes for narcissism.

I am chin deep in narcissism country. I know the game switches with each conversation. I know his attempts at manipulation. I know how he contradicts himself, sometimes within the same sentence. I know when he has set a trap. I know how charming he can be.

The least I can do is keep my wits about me. I would be foolish to ever let myself forget how the ground shifts in Narcissism Country. Hikers must always take enough provisions, and familiarize themselves with any potential wildlife threats. Continue reading →

Child of Narcissist / Control / Lack of Empathy / Moving On / The World Revolves Around Me / You Might Be a Narcissist If ... — 3 Comments
4
May 10

Update on the Counseling Process

We haven’t heard a word from Mark.

The kids and I talked over the weekend and came up with a proposal. We wanted to suggest a visitation schedule that we could live with. Mark has indicated that he would like to see them more frequently. The kids say, “Absolutely Not.” We think we’ve come up with something to appease Mark. We hope that he will see that a few visits are better than nothing at all.

See? There we go hoping again.

Yesterday morning I called Mark and ended up leaving a message. I selected what I hoped sounded like an encouraging/positive voice. I told him that we were looking forward to talking to him after his counseling session – which was yesterday. I asked him to please call us so that we could discuss how to proceed from here.

I called again in the afternoon. No answer.

Now what? Continue reading →

Child of Narcissist / Lack of Empathy / Moving On / Tools — 11 Comments
30
Apr 10

It Is What It Is

The original title for this post was going to be, “The Good, The Bad and Reality”. I let myself whirl about in another tailspin after receiving a letter from Mark on Wednesday, and then a lovely phone call from him yesterday morning. When I got off the phone, I felt the messed up stomach that I’d lived with for years. But more importantly, I felt the walls of our home – our little sanctuary – close in around us. It’s the way a mouse must feel when caught in one of those “humane” traps. Those are the traps you get if you want to catch them, but not kill them. But the problem with those traps is that you forget to check them, so the mouse ends up dying this slow, agonizing death by starvation.

I can think of a handful of times when, after a conversation with Mark, I have felt fear. I didn’t feel frightened that he might hit me, or throw me against a wall. Nor have I lost sleep over the possibility of Mark raising a hand to Jen or Will. I can’t seem to find words to describe the feeling. It seems like fear. It feels a bit like hair standing up on the back of my neck. It isn’t every time I talk to him. It has happened maybe 6 or 8 times in all the years I’ve known him. It is a visceral reaction. It hits me at my very core. It isn’t based on any kind of logic.

I think.

But there is a sense of panic – like the mouse must feel when he knows that he isn’t going to be set free.

Yesterday I got that panic feeling. On a whim, I sat down at my computer and in the Google search box I typed, “narcissism and evil”. I’m not going to link you to what I found. It’s depressing and frightening. Continue reading →

Child of Narcissist / Lack of Empathy / Quotes — 2 Comments
29
Apr 10