Lack of Empathy « Surviving Narcissism

Lack of Empathy

Control / Lack of Empathy / Moving On — 7 Comments
14
Jan 10

The Insidiousness of Narcissism

I’m tired tonight. I’m that kind of tired where I tell myself, “It’s okay if you go to bed without brushing your teeth. No one will know. You never do that.” Except — I remember telling myself that one night last week, too.

Mark was here for a visit this afternoon. It drains the energy out of all three of us. After he leaves, we snip at each other. We lose patience with each other. We all know that it happens, and yet we have to tell each other to calm down.

On the second day of this new year, I had what I hoped would be a potentially relationship-changing conversation with Mark.

Okay, so I thought I’d had these with him in the past, but this was different. We were going to start the New Year off on the right foot.

The kids had ended a “Goodnight Call” with Mark, and after hanging up, they both started crying. Continue reading →

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24
Dec 09

Ho Ho Ho and a Bottle of Rum

I have got to lighten up. I seem to have misplaced my sense of humor. Perhaps I’ll discover it under the pile of gifts yet to be wrapped. Maybe it’s at the bottom of a mug of eggnog laced with rum. (Yuk. Why do people drink sweetened, pre-scrambled eggs? Just give me the rum.) Yesterday Jenny asked me why my eyes were purple. I said, “I was crying.” She said, “How come you were crying, Mommy?” I scooped her up, twirled her around, and excitedly told her, “Because it’s Christmas, Silly.” Doesn’t everybody cry at Christmas? She has watched me sniffle at Hallmark commercials. I’ll let her think that I’m crying for all the mushy reasons that people might get teary over, at this time of the year.

Ahhh… Christmas with a Narcissist. It’s a beautiful thing. For years, Mark told me that Christmas was his most favorite time of the year. He would actually get misty-eyed over the holidays. Then, as we started a family, he would still get all sappy about Christmas, and how magical it was. But we were never seeing him. His shop gets crazy busy during the Thanksgiving/Christmas season. I wasn’t sure what part of the holidays he enjoyed so much, because he wasn’t able to spend time with his family. Perhaps I just didn’t want to believe it. I didn’t want to know, in my heart, that the reason he loved Christmas so much was because of the money-making potential of the holidays. I saw the pattern — he would tear up when discussing the day’s proceeds, not how cute his kids were at their Christmas Programs. Actually, he’d fall asleep at their Christmas Programs due to exhaustion from putting in so many long hours trying to wrangle in those few extra dollars.

When I would suggest that he hire an extra person to help him with the load so that he might enjoy his favorite time of the year with our kids while they were young and believed in Santa, he’d scoff at me. He’d pontificate and say, “Well, you have the luxury of staying home, making the house pretty, and making caramels for Christmas because I slave away and put in the long hours to make that possible.” While I agreed that his working as hard as he did made it possible for me to stay home, I also saw that he enjoyed being on stage down at the shop. No matter the level of craziness or exhaustion, he would parade around Ho Ho Ho-ing the customers, cheerfully bagging the product and all the while exclaiming about how great it is to be one of Santa’s Elves. He would insist that the kids and I be down at the shop, so we could marvel at his performance.

Then, on Christmas Eve, he would collapse at 3 p.m. and begrudgingly wake on Christmas morning when the kids wanted to get up early to see what Santa had left. And, Oh! What Santa would leave! Mittens, ski socks, long underwear, toasty warm ski jackets, snow boots, and gloves, too. And another set of thinker long underwear, warmer than the first, and glove liners and ski tickets, and fleece jackets to layer under the other fleece jackets. And hats and neck warmers and liners for the ski socks. We didn’t work as a team on Christmas gift purchasing. I got what I thought the kids would have fun with. He got what he thought they needed. One year I said, “Mark, if we are going skiing anyway, why is a lift ticket a gift?” He would answer that he made it possible for us to go skiing, so that was a gift. I’ve often considered opening some kind of ski retail shop with all the mittens, gloves, ski socks and long underwear that still has not been worn. The other day, Mark asked Will where his heavy-duty long ski mittens were. I knew the mittens that Mark was referring to. He’d given them to Will three years ago. They are still too big for Will. In fact, they are too big for me to wear.

It seems there is a delicately fine line between the crying and the laughing. I think I’ve been on the wrong side of that line lately. I can either cry about the absurdities of the holidays with Narcissists, or I can laugh. They sure do give us a lot of material for laughter. I hope that if you find yourself crying during this Christmas Season, that you are crying for all the right reasons. Continue reading →

Lack of Empathy — 2 Comments
31
Oct 09

Can You Connect With A Narcissist?

My brother has big, chocolate brown eyes. When he is conversing with you, his eyes are focused on you and nothing else. His gaze is warm and welcoming. He doesn’t make you feel like you are being interrogated, he makes you feel comfortable and accepted. My sister-in-law laughs when she talks of how my brother knows everyone in their neighborhood, their dogs’ names, and who might be ready for a pick-up game of racquetball. He can be intense — in a good way. You get the feeling that he is interested in what you have to say, and he wants to know more.

I get energized from connecting with people.

(I admit that connecting with others is a way for my hole to get filled. I know… I’m supposed to do that from within.)

My kids and I will be looking for something at Target, and I’ll ask a clerk for help. Invariably, while she’s leading us to the widget that I can’t find, she’ll tell us about the time that she bought the same widget; how her husband thought she was crazy, but that it did exactly what the product was supposed to do; how her mother-in-law bought the same thing, and now the whole family swears by this widget; and on and on …

I can’t get out of a store without hearing the makings of a life story. Continue reading →

Lack of Empathy / You Might Be a Narcissist If ... — 8 Comments
15
Oct 09

When The Narcissist Has Kids

the pond My life changed the day I gave birth to my first child. “So tell me something new,” you must be thinking. But if you are a narcissist, you can’t say that. If you are a narcissist, you don’t want to say that your life changed the day you had kids.

Before having children, your life is confined to a nice, tidy boat. Sure, the boat can get tippy. Sometimes the boat can even take on water. Most of the time, if you are lucky, you float your boat, and watch the world from inside, without too many disturbances. If you are really lucky, you have children and your boat capsizes. You end up swimming in the warm, crazy pond of life. Some days you can barely keep your head above water. Some days you float on your back and enjoy all that the pond has to offer, but you never leave the pond for the safety of the boat.

And you don’t want to.

The arrival of children may rock the narcissist’s boat, but the boat never capsizes. Narcissists control their boats very well. They will experience inconveniences periodically, but basically, their boat remains intact.

I was in labor with Will for 22 hours. Labor started at 11:00 p.m. on a Sunday night. I jostled Mark a little, told him it had started, but that I would go downstairs so he could continue sleeping. At 4:00 a.m. he got up to get ready to go to work. When he was leaving he said, “Just hang in there until 8:00 a.m., because I should be done with everything by about then, and I’ll be free to take you to the hospital.” Continue reading →

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1
Oct 09

Narcissists Never Change

Ever have those days when you walk through your bedroom to get something, pass by your bed, and gaze at it longingly? You would just give anything to jump in, have the covers surround you, and not have to deal with anymore that life has to dish out. Today was one of those days.

The previous two nights, Mark has been over to have some “family” discussions. We have been re-evaluating our choice of school for Will and Jenny. Mark has been out of the loop, so I figured we better bring him into the dilemma. He swooped in, took his role as patriarch, and began to attempt to solve the problem. And that’s a good thing. The kids need to see him take an interest in their lives. However, I could feel myself getting progressively more tense as these talks got longer. By the second night, he had gathered more info from other sources, and he was ready to enlighten us. He was ready to take action. We needed to set up a time to check out a different school. He asked if I was going to make the call. I suggested that since he had already established a contact, and since his work schedule was more demanding, he ought to make the call and I would work around his schedule. He explained that he doesn’t hear well on the phone, and if I had questions, he wouldn’t hear the answers. (He has had issues with his hearing since I’ve known him, but his vanity prevents him from doing anything about it.) I told him that I’d just ask the questions at the school. This was on a Wednesday night. He was all jazzed about getting this handled. When I suggested that he make the call the following morning, and schedule something for the next day’s afternoon, he balked. “Oh, I can’t possibly be available until Monday. I’ve way too much going on at work right now.” Once again, the kids couldn’t possibly trump his agenda.

Tonight when he called, he was loudly munching on carrots, and distractedly asked about our day. When I said that we were all a little blue because of this school dilemma he said, “Why? What happened? Aren’t they happy there?” What? Wasn’t he here the last two nights, telling us what to do and how to fix this? I guess he figured he’d milked this situation for all he could get. He was bored with our little crisis and had already moved on to something more interesting.

I’m headed for the comfort of my bed-a little earlier tonight than usual. Just when I think maybe he’s turned the corner and he’s starting to have a little empathy for his kids, I get jerked back to reality with another slap in the face. On the bright side, I’ll never run out of material for this blog. (Note to self: See the post on Forgiveness.)

Lack of Empathy — 6 Comments
27
Sep 09

Narcissists Are Everywhere

I come from a long line of narcissists. It wasn’t until I started reading about NPD that I realized just how many narcissists were in my family. There is certain risk involved in learning about NPD. Suddenly, it starts to seem like you are surrounded by narcissists. So that’s why Aunt Bonnie is so self-centered. No wonder Uncle George can’t seem to talk about anything but himself. And a lot of family members can seem that way. They are probably nothing more than your garden-variety, self-centered, annoying relative. No family is without them. But it’s when you look more closely and really pinpoint those defining characteristics, that you learn just how one narcissist begets another, and the cycle continues.

I really loved my grandmother. She doted on me. And when I became a young woman, and it was more difficult for her to do the doting, I doted on her. We spent a lot of time together. I never crossed her. I loved her and there was no need to disagree with her. Nothing was so important that I had to disappoint her by offering a dissenting opinion. I was the perfect source. I never failed to tell her that she was a fabulous cook. And I always commented on how pretty she was when she was young. That’s a real big deal to a narcissist.

Well, I made a big mistake as far as my grandma was concerned. I got married. You can see how that posed a big problem for her. Certainly, if I was getting married, I would have to spend time with the guy I would be marrying. That would take away from the time I was supposed to be spending with her. She didn’t come right out and tell me that she was disappointed. She became petty. When we would be chatting about something, she’d call Mark, “What’s-His-Name.” Or she’d make a snide comment about what he looked like, or what he did for a living. She made it clear that I could have made a better choice. I thought her behavior was odd, but I attributed her pettiness to age. At that point in time, I had yet to learn about NPD. Now, with my schooling in narcissism, I can look back and see her bizarre behavior for what it truly was.

If it wasn’t bad enough that I decided to go out and get married, I then made matters worse by deciding to have a baby. I could hardly wait to tell grandma the news. Surely, those nearest and dearest to me would be as over-joyed as I was. Her immediate response was, “Well, I guess, if that’s what makes you happy.” My brother and his wife had two of their own, and I went on to have a second. With each pregnancy, she was only interested enough to say, “If it’s a girl, I sure hope you name her after me.”

Child of Narcissist / Lack of Empathy / Moving On / Seeing My Path / The World Revolves Around Me / You Might Be a Narcissist If ... — 6 Comments
21
Sep 09

Forgiveness

I have one of those screensavers on my laptop that displays all the photos in My Pictures. I still have all the photos from when we lived with Mark. Others have commented that it’s a little odd that I haven’t removed them. That screensaver provides a lot of entertainment for Will and Jenny. It’s like having a whole bunch of photo albums at their fingertips. Their dad is still a huge part of their lives and they get a great deal of enjoyment out of the photos.

If it pains me to see pictures of Mark, then I haven’t moved on.

The other day I walked by the laptop and saw a nice photo of Mark with one of the kids. I thought how sad it is that he misses out on the day-to-day stuff with Will and Jen. As an accommodator, it is easy to lose sleep over stuff like that. That’s why it took me so long to leave.

I felt sorry for Mark over many issues. I felt sorry for him because of his upbringing. I felt sorry for him because of the distance between himself and the rest of his family. Was I going to feel sorry for him for the rest of my life? Naturally, there was a point when I was too mad to feel sorry. But mostly, it is sad that NPD prevents him from really knowing his kids. NPD prevents him from having any healthy relationships.

There is so much written about forgiveness. We’ve heard it all about how the only one who is hurt when you hold a grudge is yourself. Continue reading →

Lack of Empathy / The World Revolves Around Me / You Might Be a Narcissist If ... — 26 Comments
30
Aug 09

Narcissists And Gift-Giving

Somewhere in the last week of January, 2006, Mark came home from work and emptied three plastic grocery bags on the kitchen counter. I could tell by the look on his face that he was quite proud of himself. With shoulders back and head held high he said, “Well, I’m not going to get in trouble on Valentine’s Day this year. I had to pick up some stuff for work, so I thought I’d get you crossed off the list.”

I said, “Wow, Valentine’s Day is three weeks away and you already got your shopping done.” All the while I was thinking to myself, geez you might wanna wrap something, or keep it hidden for a couple weeks.

No, he needed to bask in the glow of his accomplishment. And, he needed to get Valentine’s Day crossed off the list, so we could all get back to the important things, like making sure he was our top priority.

“Here,” he says, “your favorite chocolates. A nice big box of ’em. And there’s a card in there somewhere, too. Go ahead and find it and I’ll sign it when I get a chance.”

Will took one look at the box of chocolates and said, “Hey Dad, those caramel chocolates are your favorites. Mom likes that yucky dark chocolate stuff.” Continue reading →

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23
Aug 09

The Narcissist As Protector

Last night I was reading in bed. Reading in bed was frowned upon when I was married. Bedtime was meant for one thing and one thing only – service. We didn’t have a T.V. in our bedroom for the same reason.

Now, in my happy little sanctuary, I often read and watch T.V. in bed at the same time – a sweet, simple pleasure. I was reading a wonderful novel by Elizabeth Berg.

Recently, my 90 year old grandmother was visiting. We were sitting around the table talking about books. She asked what I’d been reading. When I told her mostly self-help books, she rolled her eyes and said, “You ought to read something by Elizabeth Berg.” Guess there’s not much point in self-help books when you’re 90.

Elizabeth Berg is the kind of author that makes you feel like you are sitting down for coffee and stories with an old friend.

Back to last night – I was engrossed in the reading and I saw something scurry across my bedroom carpet and head under my bed. It was a ridiculously large spider – so big, in fact, that it had to duck it’s head to get under the bed. I threw my book at it. That didn’t work. I grabbed the broom to try and get at it. Nothing. Continue reading →

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20
Aug 09

The Voice of the Narcissist

pumpkin patch Mark and I hadn’t been dating long. One late summer evening we were taking a walk through a nice neighborhood I had grown up in. I was kind of hoping that I would see someone I knew so that someone I knew would see me with Mark.

I was in the googly-eyed phase of the relationship. I still couldn’t believe that a guy this handsome and this charming actually wanted to be with me. So, naturally, I wanted the world to see me with him. Then the world would think, “Wow, that Jesse is something, isn’t she. She’s with Mark.”

Even though I was so charmed by him and enthralled with the idea of being with him, there was something that just didn’t sit right with me. I felt petty for even mentioning it. Part of me was afraid that if I criticized anything he did, that he’d dump me. Maybe the thing that bugged me, wasn’t a big enough thing to risk sacrificing being with Mark.

I was almost 30 years old at the time. I was starting to understand how important it was for me to express my desires and be open in a relationship. We were strolling, holding hands, and I felt very close to him. In a very gentle, non-confrontational way I asked him why he often talked to me in a sing-song voice.

(This voice was kind of cute in the beginning. I had wondered if that was a voice that he used when he was finding his way in a new relationship. Maybe he didn’t know how to get close to a woman or be intimate, so he resorted to this patronizing voice. I hoped that he would get comfortable enough with me that he could drop the annoying voice.) Continue reading →

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18
Aug 09

Safety

friends My son returned safely from an adventure with his father.

This morning they left to go hiking and fishing. I hate these days. I feel like I’m holding my breath the whole time he’s gone. When he returns, I greet him with open arms and excitedly ask about all the fun that was had and hope for details without prying too much.

There are two schools of thought about how to handle parenting when one parent is a narcissist. One school strongly urges that there be NO visits. I belong to the school that suggests that the children need tools for dealing with a narcissistic parent. These adventures and visits are teaching my kids a lot. But, there is always the issue of safety.

A narcissist completely lacks empathy for others. Their dad doesn’t recognize that they may be frightened or nervous or uncomfortable with exposure on the side of a mountain. He’s only thinking of himself, so their emotions aren’t part of his reality.

The other point is that the children are simply extensions of the narcissist. If the N loves to show the world that he is the bravest pilot or the fastest skier, then his children must be brave, fast and fearless – whether they are, or not. Continue reading →

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15
Aug 09

Narcissism and Counseling

turbine Somewhere during the time that I left my marriage and discovered Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD) I was going to a marriage counselor. We actually went to counseling as a couple. My ex didn’t put a lot of stock in counseling. He’d tried during his first marriage and wasn’t impressed.

(Obviously it didn’t take, since I was his second marriage.)

Things had to get pretty bad before he would agree to go with me. When he finally agreed, he said he was going to discuss my issues, since he didn’t have any issues, and wasn’t doing anything wrong. I didn’t hold out a lot of hope that anything would change, since that was his attitude going into the sessions.

Now, after educating myself in all this narcissism stuff, I often wonder how the counselor didn’t catch it. How come he didn’t see all the signs? On the one hand, I’m glad I’m not the only one who was dazzled by my ex’s charms. I’d hate to think that I was the only idiot who was blinded by his charisma. But I really thought that someone trained in disorders would see through the charm.

During each of our sessions, my ex would speak in his typical condescending, patronizing tone. It was as if he was saying, “I’m just patiently going through the motions because you will soon discover that there’s nothing that I need to change. It will become clear that you have all the problems. You will realize how fortunate you are to be married to me. You will see that you are making things difficult for yourself. I will be here for you to adore, once you come out the other side and confess to all that you’ve done wrong.” Continue reading →

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9
Aug 09

Prioritizing

old window I spent a lot of time reading the literature about Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD). It’s good to arm yourself with the tools that help you deal with a narcissist. There’s a lot written about how narcissists need to have their narcissism fed. Constant admiration and adulation is food to a narcississt. In the absence of that adulation, they will find a new source.

When thinking of narcissism, I always pictured a tree searching for water. It has to have water for survival. Some trees send roots deep into the ground. Other trees, like aspens, have shallow root systems. Narcissists have shallow root systems. They are never loyal to one source. They don’t trust their partner to always feed them, so they turn to their kids or their employees or a new lover.

I had moved out. I had purchased my own home. The kids and I were settled.

A year had gone by and he informed me that he was irritated that he was no longer my priority. That was always an issue when I lived with him. No matter how my life would get turned upside down, no matter what I cooked for him, or how I cleaned for him, or the relationships I ended so as to have more time for him, he’d always complain that he wasn’t my priority. And now that I wasn’t even living under the same roof with him, he still couldn’t believe that he wasn’t my priority.

Imagine a person having that thought. Then imagine that person actually putting that thought to words – “Why am I no longer your priority?” Continue reading →

Control / Lack of Empathy / Moving On — 14 Comments
8
Aug 09

The beginning …

110208-0231 This is the beginning.

This is where I start to sort out what it means to survive narcissism. I am still coming out on the other side of this relationship. I’m not sure anyone knows how long it takes to make sense of the experience. Maybe I will always attempt to make sense of it. But with lots of humor and the help of great friends, I’m beginning to see what I’ve learned, and what I continue to learn about why I ended up in a relationship with a narcissist.

Now I can say that it continues to be an entertaining journey. I’m not sure I would say that if I hadn’t gotten out. When I was in the relationship, I was too busy looking at the trees to see the forest. From this new perspective, the forest isn’t scary anymore. And the trees weren’t that difficult to cut down. I’m braver than I thought I could be. Now I can see that those trees were comical, not menacing. I’m sure it sounds crazy when I say the trees were comical, but if I hadn’t laughed at the bizarreness of those episodes, I’d still be there, struggling for my next breath.

I gained a lot of confidence from educating myself about this disorder. This blog helps me to vent, make sense of, laugh at, and maybe even help someone else. This blog will not be clinical, or negative, or cynical. There is a time when a survivor needs to commiserate, and feel sad, and lick wounds. This blog is about how crazy, funny, insane and ridiculous it is to live with a narcissist. It is that humor that made me realize that my relationship was not normal. His behavior was too strange. It was not because I continued to screw up. His behavior WAS NOT NORMAL. I’ve got a lot of stories. Maybe those stories will shed some new light on this disorder. At any rate, it’s always good to share stories with other survivors. There’s nothing quite like that moment when a survivor looks at you and knows exactly what you are talking about because they’ve been there. There’s nothing quite like the feeling of having all this craziness understood by another in a way that only happens if that person has experienced the same thing.

Revision (2/5/10) Continue reading →