Nothing makes a woman more beautiful than the belief that she is beautiful.
Sophia Loren
Moving On
26
May 10
Free To Be Beautiful
I can’t remember if I ever thought I was pretty. I have a vague recollection that I felt beautiful, for the first time, when I held my newborn babies. I was swollen, blotchy, sweaty and exhausted, but I felt beautiful.
I have spent a lot of years denying my femininity. Along the way, I received messages that I heard as criticisms of femininity in general, not just my own femininity.
In college, I hated my body and hid behind baggy Levis and un-tucked, too large flannel shirts. The older I got, the more I looked at makeup, painted nails and dyed hair as superficial wastes of time.
I made excuses for being sensitive and emotional – feelings typically attributed to femininity. I tried to hide those feelings.
If people were going to like me, they were going to like the plain, unmade-up me – the unemotional me. Continue reading →
23
May 10
Fear and the Holding Pattern
“Will the rest of your party be joining you?” “It’s too bad your dad couldn’t come with on your vacation.” “Father couldn’t join the family on the cruise?” “Shall I wait until the rest of the family gets here?” To the last comment, I politely smiled and said, “This is the entire family.” I started to wonder if the cruise ship passed through some sort of Mexican Riviera version of the Bermuda Triangle and dropped us right in the middle of 1950.
I didn’t realize our little family was viewed as being that unconventional. But I started looking around at the other passengers, and I’m pretty sure that I was the only single mom traveling with kids – make that, the only single parent. There were plenty of singles, but none with kids.
So while I was sitting by the pool on the “Mariner of the Seas” cruise ship, watching my kids splash in the pool, being served my afternoon T & T, I thought to myself, “Why aren’t more single parents cruising?”
Cruises provide a great return for your vacation dollar. (Ick. I sound like a commercial.) They offer fun, entertainment and an opportunity to relax and meet new people. And, in my limited experience, they are the BEST WAY to vacation as a single parent. I didn’t have to drive or plan or cook or entertain or decide or do anything but put them on the boat.
Then I realized that single parents (moms) aren’t cruising because of fear. Hell, single moms probably aren’t even vacationing because of fear. What else are single moms (or single parents) keeping their families from doing because of fear? Continue reading →
19
May 10
The Flow Has A Plan
When I tuck Will in at night, he wants to know how many pages he should read before he turns out the light. He wants to know the plan for the next day. He wants to know if he will be allowed a cup of coffee. He wants to know what we’ll be doing for learning work, if he’ll have time to golf, and what we’ll be having for dinner. (I should clarify that he doesn’t need any kind of approval from me on all these things – pages read, golf time. But some things like coffee and dinner and learning work, he does need to hear from me.) When I tuck Jenny in, she is busily putting jammies on her Barbies and barely makes eye contact long enough to say goodnight.
On a spectrum that has “Go with the flow” on one end, and “Make a plan” on the other, my kids anchor the two ends, and I float some where in the middle.
None of our positions is perfect. But it is my continual pursuit of harmony in the home that makes me try to get us all to live together while acknowledging where we are on that spectrum. We often remind Will that sometimes the best things happen when you ‘play it by ear’. And we are often working with Jenny on her time management. If left to her own devices, she’d never make an appointment on time because she gets wrapped up in a project and can’t drag herself away.
When planning this cruise, I checked into all the different excursions. The ages of the kids bumped us out of most of them. I figured this was our first cruise together and we would get the feel for how things work, and not make specific plans for the port days. The night before Cabo, Will wanted to know what to expect. I told him we would get up, have breakfast, play mini golf and ping pong, shop for a souvenir, have lunch and get off the boat and explore Cabo. I left the ‘explore Cabo’ part wide open on purpose. That was enough of a plan to let him relax and let the day unfold. It wasn’t so much of a plan to make Jenny feel rushed or like she couldn’t just hang. And anyway, I didn’t have the foggiest idea of what we might do in Cabo.
The morning we pulled into Cabo San Lucas was warm and sunny and full of promise. Will needed to know what that promise would be. Jenny didn’t care so long as it was going to be fun. It was up to me to present an option that would please all parties. Continue reading →
18
May 10
Vacation Zen
We are home with new freckles on our noses, brown shoulders, sand in our backpacks, some handmade Mexican necklaces that we’ll probably never wear, a new t-shirt for Will, three new stuffed animal buddies for Jen, some nice pictures and a much-needed attitude adjustment. I saw plenty of people squeezing ginormous sombreros into the overhead compartment on the plane. Instead, I came home with a stack of plates on my head.
Not really.
But yesterday morning, after my first night’s sleep in my own bed, I realized that I was afraid to open my eyes. I was afraid that if I woke up in my bed, in my house, in my town, that all the relaxation, calm, and peace from vacation would seep right out the open windows. I just knew that if I kept my eyes tightly closed that I could hang on to that vacation zen. But my desperate attempts at hanging on to the zen were, in fact, messing with the zen. I needed to find a way to ease back into ‘normal’ life while keeping the calm and the peace.
So I visualized walking through my day with a whole, uncooked egg in my pocket. That would require that I not be rushing, that I not get flustered, that I approach everything gently and deliberately.
And then I visualized the smashed egg in my pocket. Continue reading →
8
May 10
homekeeping 4
I still have to pack, but my toes are painted, fake tan is applied, kids’ hair is cut, the single plant that we do have is watered, and the fridge is empty.
It’s time for vacation. Even the very word, ‘vacation’, is delicious. Just saying it makes the tightness in my shoulders melt. The minute it rolls off my tongue, I swear I can smell sunscreen and feel sand in the waist band of my swimsuit.
Not taking my laptop means I’m not taking the blog with. It sorta feels like leaving one of my kids behind. Jen and Will are delighted that I won’t be hiding behind a computer screen. They are unbelievably supportive of the time and attention I devote to the blog. But it’s time that they get all of me for a few days.
We can’t head off without updating you.
__________ Continue reading →
5
May 10
Hiking in Narcissism Country
It’s a bad idea to walk through rattlesnake habitat in flip flops. It isn’t advisable to hike through grizzly territory with bacon tucked in your back pocket. Children should never be left unattended in mountain lion country.
Once, even though I knew better, I walked through a dry, stubble field in Teva Sandals. The one time I did, I came within 6 inches of a rattlesnake. I was lucky, but there’s no excuse for not being prepared, for not using my brain, for being cavalier about what could be lying in wait.
The same goes for narcissism.
I am chin deep in narcissism country. I know the game switches with each conversation. I know his attempts at manipulation. I know how he contradicts himself, sometimes within the same sentence. I know when he has set a trap. I know how charming he can be.
The least I can do is keep my wits about me. I would be foolish to ever let myself forget how the ground shifts in Narcissism Country. Hikers must always take enough provisions, and familiarize themselves with any potential wildlife threats. Continue reading →
4
May 10
Update on the Counseling Process
We haven’t heard a word from Mark.
The kids and I talked over the weekend and came up with a proposal. We wanted to suggest a visitation schedule that we could live with. Mark has indicated that he would like to see them more frequently. The kids say, “Absolutely Not.” We think we’ve come up with something to appease Mark. We hope that he will see that a few visits are better than nothing at all.
See? There we go hoping again.
Yesterday morning I called Mark and ended up leaving a message. I selected what I hoped sounded like an encouraging/positive voice. I told him that we were looking forward to talking to him after his counseling session – which was yesterday. I asked him to please call us so that we could discuss how to proceed from here.
I called again in the afternoon. No answer.
Now what? Continue reading →
3
May 10
Do It
He was walking and pacing, too agitated to sit still and get involved in the conversation. Every once in awhile, he’d check on the kids to make sure they weren’t getting out of hand. He’d try to sit down and join in, but he’d last for about 5 minutes, before getting up and walking to the other end of the house.
She was sitting at the table, eyes blank, pressing the bridge of her nose in a vain attempt at stopping a nagging headache. Occasionally she glanced in his direction to see if he’d found a place to settle in. I could tell that his pacing was making her headache worse. She was stopping herself from asking him to, “Please. Please just sit down.” She wasn’t contributing to the conversation. Either she didn’t have anything to say, her head was killing her, or she just wanted to be somewhere else.
And the other couple appeared to be similarly disconnected. She was sitting, seemingly holding court, chattering endlessly as if by continuing to talk, she’d be able to let off the steam from all her nervous energy. Her eyes would dart from one person to another, looking for some indication that what she was saying was mattering to someone. She had this panicky look like she was afraid that she might run out of words, before finding the one thread that would connect her to someone in the room.
And her husband had stopped listening years ago. He was going through the motions of tending to the children. Watching the kids provided him with the escape he needed, so he wouldn’t have to sit and listen to his wife’s endless chatter. His eyes appeared like they might not be focused. He was on auto-pilot. Check the youngest, keep her from putting that object in her mouth. Find the oldest and remind him to share. Back to the youngest to grab the offending object. Back and forth. And his wife didn’t seem to notice that he and the kids even existed.
And no one connected. In fact, their restlessness made it impossible for them to connect. And if asked, they wouldn’t be able to tell you the last time they had connected. They might try to suggest that they connect with their kids. Or they’d say that they try to connect with their spouse, but that their spouse isn’t trying to connect with them. Continue reading →
30
Apr 10
It Is What It Is
The original title for this post was going to be, “The Good, The Bad and Reality”. I let myself whirl about in another tailspin after receiving a letter from Mark on Wednesday, and then a lovely phone call from him yesterday morning. When I got off the phone, I felt the messed up stomach that I’d lived with for years. But more importantly, I felt the walls of our home – our little sanctuary – close in around us. It’s the way a mouse must feel when caught in one of those “humane” traps. Those are the traps you get if you want to catch them, but not kill them. But the problem with those traps is that you forget to check them, so the mouse ends up dying this slow, agonizing death by starvation.
I can think of a handful of times when, after a conversation with Mark, I have felt fear. I didn’t feel frightened that he might hit me, or throw me against a wall. Nor have I lost sleep over the possibility of Mark raising a hand to Jen or Will. I can’t seem to find words to describe the feeling. It seems like fear. It feels a bit like hair standing up on the back of my neck. It isn’t every time I talk to him. It has happened maybe 6 or 8 times in all the years I’ve known him. It is a visceral reaction. It hits me at my very core. It isn’t based on any kind of logic.
I think.
But there is a sense of panic – like the mouse must feel when he knows that he isn’t going to be set free.
Yesterday I got that panic feeling. On a whim, I sat down at my computer and in the Google search box I typed, “narcissism and evil”. I’m not going to link you to what I found. It’s depressing and frightening. Continue reading →
29
Apr 10
Approaching Full-Circle
“So it’s pretty obvious that you didn’t try to coach your kids before you came in today.” That’s what the counselor first said, when I walked into her office after she’d met first, with Will, and then with Jenny. I explained that I thought it was better/healthier to not over-talk this appointment. (You probably didn’t know I could not over-talk something.) I had explained to them that they would be very comfortable talking to her. They didn’t need to worry about me or their dad hearing what they said. They could complain about me, too, if they so felt. There were no right or wrong answers. And this was a great way for them to get some stuff off their chests.
Interestingly, the counselor pointed out that a lot of kids, upon entering her office, frantically unload their brains in an effort to spew everything they’ve been coached to say, in hopes of not getting in trouble for forgetting to say everything.
Yikes.
I believe we have to trust, that if we are headed down the right path, then we better not impede the process by trying to force our desired outcome.
Then she showed me their drawings. It was absolutely fascinating to see how she interpreted the sketches. She’s been employing the House/Tree/Person technique for 16 years. I knew my kids would be comfortable with sketching since they draw every day. Continue reading →
27
Apr 10
Being Heard
It feels like complete acceptance, total respect, absolute acknowledgment and warmth all wrapped into one big bear hug. It’s not the first time I’ve been heard. I have amazing family and friends who have supported me and believed me about NPD and it’s effects on my family. Even so, there was always a glimmer of doubt that perhaps I had been clinging so desperately to the belief that my ex was a narcissist, in a vain attempt at making sense of a messed up marriage.
The validation that comes with speaking to a professional – someone who understands personality disorders – is an entirely new level of understanding. And prior to yesterday’s visit, I’d been to two other counselors who had completely dismissed me.
I had decided to not play the narcissism card right off the bat. I had a lot of time to present a picture of the history of my relationship with Mark, from the time we first started dating. I included my observations about the boys from his previous marriage and how I had assumed, based on what Mark had told me, that his relationship with them was strained because of his ex-wife’s influence.
I tried my hardest to leave out emotion, name-calling (that was really hard) and nit-picking. I presented clear-cut examples of bizarre treatments and behaviors. I told her how Mark announced when Will was 6 weeks old, that this family thing wasn’t for him. I told her how the kids weren’t allowed to makes messes in his house. I told her how he would remove himself from conversations if the talk didn’t center on him. I told her about the insidious picking and critiques of Will and Jen’s hair styles, wardrobes and choice of hobbies. I told her how I kept trying, after our separation, to come up with suggestions of what Mark and the kids could do together. I told her that I opened my house to him for visits, even after learning about “the incident”. I told her about how the kids refuse to call him on his behavior because of potential repercussions.
Periodically, she would look at me in total dismay. Several times, as she was writing fast and furiously, she would say, “Wait. Back up? What did he say?” Continue reading →
26
Apr 10
Transitive Property
Dang. It’s hard to type through tears. Happy tears, that is.
My notes are ready. I’m drinking hot water instead of my usual coffee. No point in making myself any more jittery. I’m reminding myself to take deep breaths. Mother nature cooperated by bringing us a big beautiful sunny sky. I feel brave and strong and even a little excited. Weird.
This feeling is reminiscent of the one and only time I ever jumped off the high board at swimming lessons. I wanted to climb back down that ladder so damn bad. I stood there forever, covered in goosebumps with my elbows pressed against my sides, and my hands tightly clasped under my little pointy chin. I so wanted to show everybody that I was brave, but really I was scared shitless. It took me forever to make the jump. I could feel my stomach climbing to my throat. I closed my eyes, counted to 10 (real slow) and jumped.
I didn’t die. It was exhilarating, scary, and fun. And it hurt.
I’ve never done it since. But, at least I DID it.
__________ Continue reading →
25
Apr 10
Dodging Bullets and Taking Notes
Whew!
We’ve been running around all weekend. The busier we are, the easier it is to avoid the phone, to not think about Monday, to pretend that life is normal. We are practicing the art of distraction. Damn. We are good at distractions.
Will walked over to me midday yesterday. He was fidgety, blinking, pacing and unable to focus. I took one look at him and I knew what was churning in his brain. He and I are on the same frequency. I turned my chair from the computer, to face him, and I didn’t say a word. He looked at me with these huge, pleading brown eyes and said, “Mom. I’ve got to get out of here. I can’t quit thinking about dad. I’ve got to get myself busy.” Just then Jenny chimed in with, “Mom. If the phone rings, I’m not here.”
So we took off. We’ve been going and coming and visiting and moving and avoiding.
I have to collect my thoughts by tomorrow.
Here’s what scares me. Continue reading →
