Moving On « Surviving Narcissism

Moving On

My Little Altar or How to Find Comfort in a New Home

We are mostly unpacked. We’ve unpacked enough so that I’ve created a little altar in the walk-in closet. I know! I have a walk-in closet! I’ve never before had such a decadent thing. In lieu of running out and shopping for clothes to fill all the empty hangers, I inadvertently decided to turn part of the closet into an altar.

(When I first saw the walk-in closet, I gasped and told him that I didn’t have enough clothes to fill it. He said, “That’s okay. This might just become your hiding place when you need to get a break from the rest of us.” I shook my head and innocently said, “Whatever do you mean?”)

An altar wasn’t my plan. I didn’t do a Google search for altars. I’m not sending up offerings to the Gods and Goddesses hoping for good vibes to rain down on our new chapter, although I wouldn’t mind if they sent a little good juju our way. It just happened, as all good things often do.

I was unpacking and finding homes for things. This new chapter seems to require different arrangements of pictures and rocks and shells and feathers and momentos that have been gathered in this new chapter. But I am not ready to part with all the sweet keepsakes from the closed chapters.

I’ve also been looking for what may turn out to be my comfort zone in this new home. I’m getting close. The house is starting to smell more like us – Thieves essential oil, dark roast coffee, laundry soap, Italian Seasoning and a bit of garlic. Some of our artwork is up on the walls. The kitchen shows a lot of our favorite tools. There is plenty of room to spread out our craft projects and make messes. And yet, I’m still looking for that spot where I can take a deep breath, sit for a minute and try to remember what’s important versus what it is I’m currently stewing about. Continue reading →

Moving On / Postcards From a Thriver / Random Observations / Seeing My Path — 2 Comments
5
Nov 15

A Bird’s Eye View

Keep your crystal ball, I want a bird’s eye view of the path I’ve chosen. Make no mistake, I don’t want to know the outcome. I’m not rushing off to a fortune teller in hopes of getting validation that I’m on the right track. I’ve consulted the runes enough times to get confused over their seemingly mixed signals. They offer some encouragement, but I want more than that.

I want to sore above the trees and get the kind of perspective that only a bird can get. I want a view of the horizon. I want to see right up to the edge without any spoilers. I don’t want to know how it ends. I don’t want to know if there will be a “happily ever after.”

I want to know if I chose the correct path. I want to see if the guideposts are meant for me. I want reassurance that the struggle is due, without knowing the payoff.

Please don’t tell me to have faith.

I’ve had faith before. I’ve continued blindly on what I thought was the right path. The signs along the way were screaming at me to turn around. But I had faith, and I kept going down that path. I had faith, but I didn’t believe. Continue reading →

Moving On / Postcards From a Thriver / Seeing My Path / The Bartender — 10 Comments
14
Oct 15

A New Zip Code

“Hey Jesse, I heard you have a new zip code. Whatcha doin’ in here?”

“How are ya, Hank? Yes, we do have a new zip code. It’s only about 90 minutes away. I’m in town to get the house ready to rent out.”

“Wow. Big changes afoot for all of you. How are you doing with it all? And your kids? I saw them the other day at that frozen yogurt place. They appear to be happy and thriving and growing. What can I get you?”

“Do you still have Bayern Amber on tap?”

“Comin’ right up!” Continue reading →

Moving On / Spirit Guides / Stories — 5 Comments
15
Sep 15

On Popcorn, Track Record and the New Guy

“Oh dear! I can’t bring myself to watch.”

“Pass the popcorn, Margaret. This is getting good.”

Margaret passed the bowl of popcorn to Gladys. “Gladys! How can you be so insensitive? She’s struggling. Can’t you see that?”

“Of course I can see that. That’s why it’s getting good!” Gladys scooped up a handful of popcorn in one hand and with the other, she deliberately ate one popped kernel at a time, while watching the drama unfold.

Basil walked over and sat next to Gladys. “Uh oh. She’s at it again, isn’t she.” Continue reading →

Moving On / The Bartender — 2 Comments
27
Aug 15

On Going No Contact

“Hey, Hank! How’s it going? It’s weird to see you outside of the bar.”

“Hey, Matt. I haven’t seen you down there in awhile. Looks like you’re getting some new gear today? Have you been doing a lot more fishing this year?”

Matt held up a package of spinners and laughed, “Yeah. Funny thing is, I’ve been fishing a lot more since … well …. since I broke it off with Sarah.”

Hank reached for some leader, “Ouch. I hadn’t seen you two around, but I didn’t know. I thought you two were good together.”

Matt shook his head, “So did I.” Continue reading →

Moving On / Random Observations — 4 Comments
11
Aug 15

When Your Lizard Brain is Your Dating Coach

If your lizard brain stands in as your dating coach, odds are you’d better stay home.

Lizard Brain: You aren’t wearing those shoes are you?

Me: Why not? What’s wrong with them?

LB: Well, those heels will probably make you taller than he is, but it’s up to you. Continue reading →

Moving On / Random Observations / The Bartender — 4 Comments
15
Jun 15

Uncharted Territory

When Hank smiles, his eyes crease, filling the white crows feet created by off hours spent on the river in the sun. “Nice to see you, Janna. What’ll you have?”

“A gin and tonic would be great. Thanks. How are you? It looks like you’ve managed to find the sun when you aren’t tending bar.”

Hank laughed, “Yep. The weather has finally made up its mind. Now if I could get the fish to do the same. How are you?”

“I’m well. I think.”

“Uh oh. Sounds like there’s a story there.” Hank places a napkin in front of Janna, and tops it with her drink. “Hey, was it last month you were in here, all excited about a new man in your life? How’s that going?” Continue reading →

Kids are People / Moving On / Random Observations — 9 Comments
13
May 15

How to Say “No”

“So why don’t you just say “no”?”

I put my cell back in my pocket and exhaled loudly as we continued our walk. “I dunno, Jen. My knee-jerk reaction is to always try to accommodate – if I can.”

“When they asked you, did you know right away what your answer was? Did you know right away that you wanted to say no?”

“Well, sure I knew I didn’t want to say yes – my stomach clenched. Yikes. That’s a pretty good indication that I want to say no. I don’t need more on my plate.”

She moved me closer to the sidewalk as a car approached – ever the protector, that one. “How come you don’t just say no right away?” Continue reading →

Moving On / Postcards From a Thriver / Seeing My Path — 6 Comments
8
May 15

On Reversing the Damage Done by a Narcissist

Underneath her best face is the face that tried to smile through the belittling comments, the dismissals and the personal attacks.

Years later, long after she’d stopped sharing the narcissist’s bed, she could still see signs of that other face. Now, when she puts her makeup on, she tries to ignore the lines she earned back then. She brushes her hair and tells herself that now she could wear her hair any way she likes.

She selects an outfit, and remembers how she used to worry that he wouldn’t approve of what she wore.

Now she goes about her day and laughs at the thought of ever having had to ask for permission to come and go as she pleased. She takes one last look in the mirror before heading out the door, and marvels at how far she’s come.

Continue reading →

Child of Narcissist / Kids are People / Moving On / Parenting — 11 Comments
4
Apr 15

On Dating With Kids

“Okay you guys. What do you think? Any red flags? Let me have it.” (I’m not sure I can trust myself to see things clearly.)

Kids are like pets. They know who to steer clear of and who to trust – instinctively. Come to think of it, adults probably have those same instincts, but they long ago stopped listening to them – or at least I did.

Will laughed and immediately said, “No! No red flags. You’re kidding, right? Why?” Jen smiled and shook her head.

“Come on Jen, are you holding back? You can tell me. It’s okay.”

“No, mom, really. I don’t see anything.” Continue reading →

Moving On / Random Observations / The Bartender — 8 Comments
11
Mar 15

When the Other Shoe Drops

Hank had finished polishing the bar when two women approached and perched on adjacent stools. He waited for a pause in their conversation before asking what they’d like. He heard the brunette say, “Well, you know that I’m always waiting for that moment when the other shoe drops. It’s the way I’ve always been.”

The blonde laughed. “I know, but you have had the shoe drop in pretty much every one of your relationships.”

The brunette said, “Yeah. Thanks for pointing that out.” She looked at Hank. “Hi, I’ll have the house cab. How are you?”

The blonde said, “I’ll have the same. Thanks.”

Continue reading →

Child of Narcissist / Moving On / Seeing My Path — 9 Comments
16
Jan 15

Confessions of An Ex-Facilitator

Will thought if we left a little later, the timing would be off and we wouldn’t run into him, but when we pulled into the parking lot, we saw him getting out of his car.

Crap.

In my optimistic, nothing-will-ruin-our-day voice I said, “It’s okay. He knew we were going to be here. He knows we don’t get to do a mid-week escape very often. He hasn’t asked to ski with us. This will all work out. Trust me.”

Will said, “I just wanna ski with you two today. We never get to ski just the three of us.”

I lifted a pair of skis to my shoulder and said, “It’ll work out.” Continue reading →

Child of Narcissist / Moving On / Parenting / Postcards From a Thriver — 18 Comments
18
Dec 14

This Wasn’t The Plan

This wasn’t the plan – to be a single mom in my 50s, raising kids by myself.

I had planned to be happily married at this point. I thought we’d all ski together and travel together and watch movies together. I thought he and I would marvel at how brilliant our kids are – together.

I thought we’d laugh at being older-than-the average parents of young kids – together.

I thought we’d reconnect after the kids were gone and spend our retirement years skiing, traveling and watching movies – just the two of us.

Continue reading →

Child of Narcissist / Moving On / Postcards From a Thriver / Random Observations / Seeing My Path / Survivor Support — 18 Comments
8
Aug 14

Random Thoughts at the Five Year Mark

wow.

This blog is five years old.

wow.

Things have changed a lot in five years. We not only survive, but we thrive on a mostly daily basis. The health of my kids (and myself!) is testament to the power of connection, the awesomeness of being heard, the cathartic healing found in knowledge and the magic of friendship. Continue reading →

Child of Narcissist / Control / Guest Posts / Moving On / Stories — 6 Comments
29
Jul 14

The Ending

Guest Post by Anonymous

It ended with a coat…

An argument between my 12 year old son and my husband ended my 20 year marriage – all over a coat.

It was the Friday after Thanksgiving. We had spent the better part of three days at our niece’s house, as I was helping her host her first Thanksgiving – for 20 people, no less. We returned home Friday afternoon after a two-hour drive. I just wanted some quiet time so begged off from a housewarming party we were invited to attend. Husband and son were preparing to go without me when a fight broke out between them over son taking a coat which husband deemed appropriate for the weather, one which son hated and refused to consider. The fight escalated into an ugly scene – son locked husband out of house after being chased around the yard by him, in the dark. Continue reading →