Moving On

Moving On / You Might Be a Narcissist If ... — 4 Comments
19
Sep 09

It’s Just Stuff

cup of teaI broke my favorite tea cup last night.  It wasn’t an heirloom.  I bought it at Ikea for $6.  Tea tasted really good in that cup.

Coffee should be slurped from mugs.  Tea should be sipped from thin cups.

Even my kids knew that I always made tea in that white cup.  When it hit the floor and broke into pieces, Jenny immediately offered to glue it back together for me.  I explained that it wasn’t a big deal.  I have other cups.  Will said, “Mom, I’ll buy you a new one.”  They both got worked up about my tea cup.

Strangely, if their own stuff breaks or gets misplaced, they are both pretty non-chalant.

We have a favorite saying around here.  When we have turned the house upside down looking for something, one of us will chime in with,  “It’ll turn up.”  I’m not sure why they were upset about my cup.  As I write this, I wonder if they are thinking that I am as fragile as that tea cup. Continue reading →

Moving On — Comments Off on Be The Change
16
Sep 09

Be The Change

time to changeI have nagged.  I have whined.  I have cajoled.  I have pleaded.

I have waited for change to come.

How long must I wait?  At what point do I look in the mirror and decide that I don’t like what I see anymore?

I don’t like nagging, whining, pleading and waiting.  How many times have I heard that I can’t change someone who doesn’t want to change?  It seems pretty obvious that the personality type that is least likely to change would be the narcissistic personality.  Why even consider changing something that is already perfect?

I waited for things to change. Continue reading →

Moving On — Comments Off on Survival Through Humor
9
Sep 09

Survival Through Humor

I had a minor meltdown this morning.  I locked myself in the bathroom, turned on the ceiling fan, and cried.  We had been scurrying to get ready for school and work – the usual weekday morning mayhem.  There wasn’t anything unusual about this morning.  You never know when you’ve approached the end of your rope.  At least I never know.  I was brushing my teeth and the bathroom sink wouldn’t drain, and I lost it.

It’s not a big deal, I’ve fixed the drain before.  Some days I just cannot handle one more thing.

This was not the plan.  I was supposed to be happily married, raising two beautiful kids.  I didn’t sign up to be both mom and dad.

Most days I wouldn’t trade this new life for anything.  Most days I can take it all in stride.  But, some days I am tired and feel like I can’t handle one more chore or one more demand.  As difficult as it can be, it is worlds away from my old life.

Now when I flop on the bed at the end of the day, my exhaustion comes from attempting to cross things off of my list.  When I decide to be done for the day, I don’t have someone expecting more from me.  The hamster in the spinning wheel is pretty content when she’s in control of her own wheel.  How happy is that hamster when someone else is doing the spinning? Continue reading →

Moving On — Comments Off on Moving On
5
Sep 09

Moving On

I just got back from our local citizens’ swap center – the place where you take the things nobody wants or will take – the things too good for the dump.  I left two car seats.  That’s particularly weird because my kids are now 11 and 7.  I’m still trying to figure out why I kept the car seats for so long.

I live in a tiny house.  My kids are regularly annoyed by my desire to weed out and pitch the stuff that we don’t love.  There’s only so much room and I’m a firm believer that stuff doesn’t just clutter your house, it clutters your mind.  We have a fine habit of periodically going through our stuff, deciding what we love, and then finding new homes for the stuff we can live without.

I have kept certain precious baby things – toys, and clothing items that are irresistible.  I’m not a complete pragmatist.  I do have my mushy spots about my kids.  I can still remember how they smelled after they woke from a nap.  I can still feel their warmth from carrying them everywhere in the Snuggli.  I’ve kept the Snuggli, too.

But why have I kept the car seats?

I have one of those add-on rear-view mirrors that I can point in the direction of the back seat.  I can monitor the touch fights, the hair pulling, and the eye-rolling.  Mostly, I love looking in that mirror to see those sweet sleeping faces with the long lashes and the tiny noses.  In all actuality, what I usually see in that little mirror is two cute kids picking their noses. Continue reading →

Child of Narcissist / Control / Moving On / Seeing My Path — Comments Off on Individual Moments of Peace
4
Sep 09

Individual Moments of Peace

happy frogThis evening I sat for a spell on my front porch.  We are enjoying the last few days of our summer, and today was particularly gorgeous.  I see an image of me hanging from the letter r in the word summer, by my fingernails.  I can’t let go of summer quite yet, there’s still a bit of juice left.

I was perched on the porch, feeling like I was suspended above myself.

Not a religious or zen thing, but a brief moment of stillness.

Those still moments can feel familiar, and foreign, all at the same time.

The temperature was perfect. Continue reading →

Moving On — 7 Comments
26
Aug 09

Crabbiness

solitudeI know.  I know.  My last post was about Enlightenment.

You may be thinking I must not be enlightened if I still get crabby.

Enlightenment is a process.  Crabbiness is a part of that process.

The good news is that I’m not nearly as crabby as I used to be.  (My kids might take issue with that last statement.)

I remember Mark telling me, “Maybe you should look into taking St. John’s Wort.  How come you sleep all the time?  You seemed more energetic when we were first going together.” Continue reading →

Child of Narcissist / Moving On — 3 Comments
25
Aug 09

Enlightenment

It had been about six weeks since the kids and I had moved out.  Mark and I were still going to counseling.  At one point, he told me that he was convinced that my leaving was a temporary thing.  He figured I’d get a little space, have a chance to miss him, and come running back with the realization that he was the best thing that had ever happened to me.

He believed I would come to my senses and see what was best for all of us, especially Will and Jenny.

I hadn’t completely given up, but I knew things would have to change dramatically before I would give any thought to the possibility of moving back.

Somewhere during this time I had picked up a copy of Real Simple Magazine and read an article about narcissism.  I vividly remember handing my mom the magazine and telling her to read the article. “Mom!  She’s talking about your parents.”

Moments later, mom hands back the magazine and says, “Honey, this is your husband.” Continue reading →

Lack of Empathy / Moving On / Random Observations / Seeing My Path / You Might Be a Narcissist If ... — 3 Comments
23
Aug 09

The Narcissist As Protector

Last night I was reading in bed.  Reading in bed was frowned upon when I was married.  Bedtime was meant for one thing and one thing only – service.  We didn’t have a T.V. in our bedroom  for the same reason.

Now, in my happy little  sanctuary, I often read and watch T.V. in bed at the same time – a sweet, simple pleasure.  I was reading a wonderful novel by Elizabeth Berg.

Recently, my 90 year old grandmother was visiting.  We were sitting around the table talking about books.  She asked what I’d been reading.  When I told her mostly self-help books, she rolled her eyes and said, “You ought to read something by Elizabeth Berg.”  Guess there’s not much point in self-help books when you’re 90.

Elizabeth Berg is the kind of author that makes you feel like you are sitting down for coffee and stories with an old friend.

Back to last night – I was engrossed in the reading and I saw something scurry across my bedroom carpet and head under my bed.  It was a ridiculously large spider – so big, in fact, that it had to duck it’s head to get under the bed.  I threw my book at it.  That didn’t work.  I grabbed the broom to try and get at it.  Nothing. Continue reading →

Lack of Empathy / Moving On / You Might Be a Narcissist If ... — 6 Comments
15
Aug 09

Narcissism and Counseling

turbineSomewhere during the time that I left my marriage and discovered Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD) I was going to a marriage counselor.  We actually went to counseling as a couple.  My ex didn’t put a lot of stock in counseling.  He’d tried during his first marriage and wasn’t impressed.

(Obviously it didn’t take, since I was his second marriage.)

Things had to get pretty bad before he would agree to go with me.  When he finally agreed, he said he was going to discuss my issues, since he didn’t have any issues, and wasn’t doing anything wrong.  I didn’t hold out a lot of hope that anything would change, since that was his attitude going into the sessions.

Now, after educating myself in all this narcissism stuff, I often wonder how the counselor didn’t catch it.  How come he didn’t see all the signs?  On the one hand, I’m glad I’m not the only one who was dazzled by my ex’s charms.  I’d hate to think that I was the only idiot who was blinded by his charisma.  But I really thought that someone trained in disorders would see through the charm.

During each of our sessions, my ex would speak in his typical condescending, patronizing tone.  It was as if he was saying, “I’m just patiently going through the motions because you will soon discover that there’s nothing that I need to change.  It will become clear that you have all the problems.  You will realize how fortunate you are to be married to me.  You will see that you are making things difficult for yourself.  I will be here for you to adore, once you come out the other side and confess to all that you’ve done wrong.” Continue reading →

Moving On — Comments Off on Leaving
12
Aug 09

Leaving

suitcaseI didn’t know that I was married to a Narcissist when I decided to leave.  I wish I could tell you what the last straw was.  When I think back to that sunny Saturday in July, I try to find where my head was.  It’s not like I had gone to bed the night before, with a plan.  I have never been the kind of person to leave and come back, break up and get back together.  It feels like crossing a bridge.  Once I’ve crossed the bridge, I don’t go back.

On that morning, I had reached a wall or a limit.  I grabbed three boxes, and handed each kid a box, keeping one for my self.  I told them to put their most favorite things in their box.  I told them that we wouldn’t be staying at this house anymore.  I made a game out of it – no long faces, no lengthy explanations.

We were going on an adventure.

He walked in while we were packing and asked what we were doing.  I explained that we were packing boxes for moving.  Without hesitation he asked, “Do you want me to get the truck to help you with the boxes?”

(Weeks later I found the courage to tell him that I had always hoped I had the kind of marriage where, if I decided to leave, my partner might actually attempt to come after me.  I know that contradicts the “crossing the bridge” explanation.  It’s not that I would have actually stayed.  But I really thought/hoped I might have been asked to stay; that this person might have cared enough to try to get me to stay.) Continue reading →

Control / Lack of Empathy / Moving On — 14 Comments
8
Aug 09

The beginning …

110208-0231This is the beginning.

This is where I start to sort out what it means to survive narcissism.  I am still coming out on the other side of this relationship.  I’m not sure anyone knows how long it takes to make sense of the experience.  Maybe I will always attempt to make sense of it.  But with lots of humor and the help of great friends, I’m beginning to see what I’ve learned, and what I continue to learn about why I ended up in a relationship with a narcissist.

Now I can say that it continues to be an entertaining journey.  I’m not sure I would say that if I hadn’t gotten out.  When I was in the relationship, I was too busy looking at the trees to see the forest.  From this new perspective, the forest isn’t scary anymore.  And the trees weren’t that difficult to cut down.  I’m braver than I thought I could be.  Now I can see that those trees were comical, not menacing.  I’m sure it sounds crazy when I say the trees were comical, but if I hadn’t laughed at the bizarreness of those episodes, I’d still be there, struggling for my next breath.

I gained a lot of confidence from educating myself about this disorder.  This blog helps me to vent, make sense of, laugh at, and maybe even help someone else.  This blog will not be clinical, or negative, or cynical.  There is a time when a survivor needs to commiserate, and feel sad, and lick wounds.  This blog is about how crazy, funny, insane and ridiculous it is to live with a narcissist.  It is that humor that made me realize that my relationship was not normal.  His behavior was too strange.  It was not because I continued to screw up.  His behavior WAS NOT NORMAL.  I’ve got a lot of stories.  Maybe those stories will shed some new light on this disorder.  At any rate, it’s always good to share stories with other survivors.  There’s nothing quite like that moment when a survivor looks at you and knows exactly what you are talking about because they’ve been there.  There’s nothing quite like the feeling of having all this craziness understood by another in a way that only happens if that person has experienced the same thing.

Revision (2/5/10) Continue reading →

Newer Entries →