Moving On

Child of Narcissist / Lack of Empathy / Moving On / Parenting / The World Revolves Around Me / Tools / You Might Be a Narcissist If ... — 10 Comments
14
Oct 11

A Different Version of Normal

At his address, the toys are neatly put away, the art supplies stay tucked in the cupboard and the towels are folded the minute the dryer buzzes.

At her address, the toys are everywhere, the baby dolls have dinner with the family, the art supplies are never tucked away because they are used constantly and the clean towels are grabbed out of the laundry basket on the way to the shower.

…

Dinner at his house is something adults would enjoy eating and kids would pick around while hoping to get a PBJ after the dishes are done.  Around the table in the orderly dining room, more attention is paid to manners and less to conversation.

Dinner at her house is about coming together, helping with the prep, making sure there’s something on the table that each person will eat, and moving art supplies to make room for plates.  There might be a gentle reminder about not talking with a mouthful of macaroni.  There will be lots of laughing, stories of the day, and sometimes a few tears. Continue reading →

Moving On / Random Observations / Seeing My Path / The World Revolves Around Me — 18 Comments
10
Oct 11

Why Did I Marry A Narcissist?

in-search-of-self

As I reached the top of the hill, she approached from the other side.

“Hey, you!”  Even though I knew she walked in my neighborhood, we’d never run into each other before.

She said, “Hey, yourself!  I never walk this time of the day.”

I said, “I usually try to walk in the morning, but the day got away from me.”

She said, “I didn’t walk this morning because I finished your book.”

*Gulp!*

(Later, when telling a mutual friend of that afternoon’s chance encounter he said, “I suppose you both saw significance in running into each other at the top of the hill.”  I laughed and said, “Well, of course we did!”

__________

She is an acquaintance and a published author.

While I wholeheartedly subscribe to the idea that we ought not write to please mom, or a partner or whoever we are trying to please at the time, there is something unsettling about having an author read my first book.

I wanted to plug my ears at this point, or at least run back down the hill to avoid hearing what she had to say.

Before I could turn to run she said, “I loved the format!  The quotes and pictures round out the whole message.  How is it selling?”

*Gulp.*

Then she said, “Your message will find the right people.  You explored the healthy side of selfishness – about how many of our difficulties can be linked to our not taking care of self – putting ourselves last.  You showed how that balance is necessary.  There’s a lot written about that right now.  It’s a good time for your voice on that subject.”

We spontaneously hugged as a I breathed a sigh of relief and thanked her profusely.

__________

As I walked her back to her house, she said, “You know why you ended up with him, don’t you?”

Because I was still riding the high of her kind words – and admittedly not listening –  I said, “Huh?  Who?”

She said, “The narcissist.  Do you know why you ended up with the narcissist?”

My usual answer to this question is, “I ended up with Mark so that my life would be graced by the presence of Will and Jenny.”

What other sane reason could there be?

This time I didn’t offer that explanation.  I said, “Why do you think I married a narcissist?”

She said, “Because you needed to learn self-care.”

Moving On / Parenting / Random Observations / Seeing My Path / Tools — 27 Comments
28
Sep 11

Sound Advice

For what it’s worth, the following is a list of pearls – advice I’ve received over the last so many years.

Some was delivered by a caring family member or a dear friend.

Some was gleaned from a magazine article or a self-help book.

Some was uncovered while searching the internet in the wee hours.

Some was initially ignored.

These are the most useful words that I turn to when I don’t know where else to turn.  These aren’t direct quotes, but paraphrases of helpful bits that have gotten us through.

  • If it’s hard to get, it’s hard to keep.
  • If you find yourself in a relationship with a narcissist, run screaming in the other direction.
  • Your gut always tells the truth.
  • If you have to ask him to listen, he’s not interested.
  • If she says she doesn’t have time, what she’s really saying is that she doesn’t want to.
  • Respect is not a given, it should be earned.
  • Respect has nothing to do with age.
  • It doesn’t need to be this hard.
  • If you want mail, you’ve got to send mail.
  • If you want friends, you have to be a friend.
  • It’s okay if everyone doesn’t like you.
  • It’s okay to not like everyone.
  • If you aren’t feeling good about yourself, it might be that you are surrounded by assholes.
  • Good sleep is better than all the makeup in the world.
  • Humor can be found in almost every situation; find the funny part and quit dwelling on the negative.
  • They can treat me whatever way they choose; I can choose to accept that treatment or not.
  • Keep talking until you find someone who understands and believes you – they are out there.
  • Kids are wise old souls in new bodies – treat them accordingly.
  • There’s no point in talking the talk if you aren’t planning to take some action.
  • There’s nothing wrong with going to bed early.  (See above on sleep and makeup.)
  • Many things can be fixed with a hug and good music.
  • We cross paths for a reason – it’s okay if we don’t stay on the same path forever.

    •  

*Share your favorite advice in the comments below.  Let’s compile a fabulous list.

Child of Narcissist / Moving On / Seeing My Path — 8 Comments
15
Sep 11

I Am Not A Goddess

“If you think this isn’t very hard, that’s because you have been steadily working on getting to this point this whole time.

If someone set us down in front of a block of stone and said, “Here, get going.  Create a magnificent relief of a Goddess, and don’t get up until you’re done,” that would be daunting.    But  if  that block of stone came with instructions to create a Goddess by chipping away a little each day, the project wouldn’t be quite as overwhelming.

The work we’ve done didn’t  happen overnight.  You didn’t just wake up and decide to get the clear picture, stand in the wind and dust on this plateau, stretch your arms and legs, fill your lungs with fresh air, and jump onto a new path.

This has been a long time in the making.  Every choice and path correction has led to this point. Continue reading →

Homeschool / Moving On / Parenting / Random Observations / Seeing My Path / Tools — 7 Comments
12
Sep 11

On Full Moons, Rainbow Trout and Gratitude

The rainbow cleared the surface of the water to get a glimpse of the full moon. It was his job to report back to the others. “Yep, it’s full. They can’t catch us for at least another 24 hours!”

The ripples set off by the splash broke the seamless reflection of the sailboat. Without a breeze, the ripples smoothed quickly and returned the cove to a dark mirror spotted by boat lights and star haze.

Up until then, we’d been wondering if that sailboat had two masts. We couldn’t tell where the boat ended and the reflection began.

In our shorts, sweatshirts and Keens, we stood arm-in-arm, gazing at the moon hiding on the other side of the trees. Their leaves were still clinging to green. Even though it was September 11th, they weren’t ready to change into yellow, orange and brown.

Not yet.

When I asked what thoughts came to their minds when standing there bathed in moonlight, they both uttered something about being thankful.

Thankful for fish caught.

Thankful for new friends made.

Thankful for trees to climb with new and old friends.

Thankful for grandparents fun enough to camp with.

Thankful for the opportunity to enjoy a warm summer night when others had to go to bed early on a school night.

Thankful for the opportunity to appreciate our simple lives when others have lost so much.

Thankful for closeness and comfort and not so much stress.

Thankful for coffee in the morning, jeans to ward off the chill, warm chocolate milk and the opportunity to catch more fish.

__________

We pointed out the constellations that tried to stand out against the bright light of the moon. We knew some of the names and made up the others.

As we turned to walk back and tuck in for the night, we acknowledged the date. For a brief moment we felt awkward in our gratitude.

Was it enough to be thankful?

Should we do more?

And then we heard the splash. The rainbow cleared the surface again. We turned in time to see the ripples sending a code that said, “Come back tomorrow.  Catch me if you can.”

Moving On / Random Observations / Seeing My Path / Tools — 2 Comments
9
Sep 11

The Surrender

the-flow1A definition of surrender from merriam-webster.com:

to give (oneself) over to something (as an influence)

…

When she was little, surrender was something she did when she played Cowboys and Indians.  She usually tried to be on the side that didn’t require her to surrender.

When she was a teenager, surrender was something she feared would be expected once she agreed to kiss a boy, so she didn’t often let herself get in a situation where she’d be close enough to kiss. Continue reading →

Moving On / Parenting / Random Observations / Seeing My Path / Tools — 40 Comments
6
Sep 11

It Takes a Good Leavin’ Alone

stonesWhen he sends the epically long email explaining that he hasn’t introduced the kids to his girlfriend because they don’t show that they care about his life, they never come over anyway, and he really didn’t think it was any of their business…

When they question your choices, make sarcastic comments about your lifestyle and complain about how stressed and over-worked they are…

When you’ve seen that they can make healthy choices without you having to hover, lecture, or demand…

When he’s never shown any interest in what you have to say, yet you think he will this time… Continue reading →

Moving On / Random Observations / Seeing My Path — 28 Comments
30
Aug 11

He Wears Ray Bans

myselfIt turns out that he wasn’t wearing a Kevlar Vest after all.

She thought that was it.  She thought that was the reason that she couldn’t get close to him.

She was mistaken.

__________

They met several more times on the playground, played some games that neither of them knew the rules for, and ate more strawberries. Continue reading →

Moving On / Seeing My Path / Tools — 27 Comments
26
Aug 11

Secret Makings of a Happy Ending

The pile of clean folded clothes was a prop.  The pile sat on the counter waiting for its cue.  The cue was the sound of the garage door opening.

__________

She wrote detailed plans for her new future.  She’d live in a house where she could take deep breaths – a house where she didn’t walk on eggshells.

She wouldn’t have to ask permission to faux-paint the bathroom walls.  She’d cook what she liked at whatever time of the day she pleased.

She’d sweep the floor when she felt it needed it. Continue reading →

Moving On / Random Observations / Seeing My Path — 10 Comments
22
Aug 11

“It’s Karma, Stupid.”

red-on-rocks“It’s about how many times you keep coming back, working on the same lessons with the same people.”

“How many more times do you want to play the doormat? ”

“How many more times are you going to cry yourself to sleep because you don’t feel loved? ”

“How many more times are you going to deny who you are because you fear others won’t accept you?”

“Do you think these lessons can be learned by yourself?”

“Don‘t you think the lessons are learned through the relating to others?”

…

“I just see you giving lip service to all this stuff – the universe, God, karma, love, truth, authenticity.  That’s great and lofty and swell and all, but when are you going to really act on this stuff you say you believe in?”

 

*From a conversation –  Seeing My Path.

Moving On / Parenting / Random Observations — 14 Comments
18
Aug 11

On Cute Puppies and Leaving Well Enough Alone

If I could manage to keep them from putting that 6 week-old Pomeranian puff ball with irresistible brown eyes in my arms, I’d be fine.

…

They cradled him like a newborn.  They sprinkled Johnny Jump-Ups on his back.  They cooed at him and loved him up.

And then the pleading started.

“Mom, he won’t get too big.” Continue reading →

Moving On / Seeing My Path — 5 Comments
15
Aug 11

Walls, Fences and Structures

fence

An excerpt from Seeing My Path.

…  I remind myself that all the structures in my life have been created by me.

The structures are determined by my relationships and my role in those relationships.  The structures dictate where I go.

I think of the structures as guard rails that keep me on the path I’m traveling.

. . .

The structure prevented me from moving closer to who I was supposed to be.

On this plateau, with the sun warming my face, I can see – far down below – a maze of high walls.  The walls are the structure I thought I needed to guarantee love and acceptance.  They funneled me in the direction of pleasing others, helping others, and putting myself last.

What if I made the decision to raze those walls and create a new structure?

What if I trusted that love would come to me if I allowed myself to follow a path that didn’t put everyone else first?

Could it be that each step in the direction of my true self might bring me more strength and more love?

Then I heard myself having a conversation with… well… myself.

 

*To read more about how my choices and structures led to my marrying a narcissist, how I lost myself, changed course and finally got headed in my right direction check out Seeing My Path – In and Out of a Relationship With a Narcissist.

It’s a good story with a happy ending… so far. ;)

Child of Narcissist / Moving On / Seeing My Path — 13 Comments
11
Aug 11

Seeing My Path

Seeing My Path - In and Out of a Relationship With a Narcissist

We ran out of Fritos.

Now we’re on to a 3-layered, sinfully dark chocolate cake.  The layers are filled with chocolate flavored mascarpone cheese. I’ll cut you a thin slice because it’s so rich.

We’re celebrating the 2nd birthday of the blog and the release of my first e-book!

I know!  I said I was going to write this book.

I did it!

This book is all new content!

There’s nothing quite like setting a goal, realizing a dream and having Will and Jenny by my side telling me how proud they are.

__________

I’m going to eat some more cake, pat myself on the back, and smother my kids a bit.

I’ll be back here to reply to some comments and write another post.  Soon.

In the meantime, thank you all for encouraging me on the book.  Thank you for visiting this site and hanging out with us.  Thank you for your compassion and wise words.

I am blessed to have you touch my life.

Pass the cake!

 

Edit:  5/31/21

The sidebar includes links to free copies of my e-books. Please help yourself.

 

 

Child of Narcissist / Lack of Empathy / Moving On / The World Revolves Around Me / Tools — 16 Comments
8
Aug 11

Surviving Nicely – 2

It feels good typing the title of this post.

I hope you like Fritos.  We’re also serving lemonade because, well, we have all those lemons.  I have to enjoy a little wine on a birthday.  Jenny is throwing confetti.  Will is tech decking in the background.

And there’s gratitude flowing through the room

It’s the 2nd birthday here at survivingnarcissism.com.

I don’t know how it happened.

Yes!  We’ve journeyed through another year on this blog. Continue reading →

Moving On / Seeing My Path — 6 Comments
6
Aug 11

Delicious Beginnings and a Red Wagon

red-wagonAn excerpt from Seeing My Path…

“Remember when we were a kid and didn’t care?  Do you remember back before we worried if our ears were too big, whether we talked too much, if our  eyebrows  were too caterpillar-like, or if our arms and legs were too long and skinny?

Can you remember a time before we started to think there was something wrong with us?

Let’s be that kid pulling a red wagon full of  hopes, dreams and lessons to be learned.

Let’s be that kid before she’s hardened by disappointments, dashed hopes and unfulfilled dreams.

Let‘s be that kid before she lets the doubts change her opinion of herself – before she began to believe the criticisms or hurtful comments from others.

Let‘s be the kid who believed she could do anything and thought she was lovable and likeable and a joy to be around.

Can you imagine anyone not wanting to be around our kids?  Try to feel that way about us.  We, above all, know our intrinsic goodness.  We know the depth of our character.

Let’s be the kid who is proud of the stories she writes and the cakes she bakes and the pictures she draws and the forts she builds.

Love us as much as we love the kids.

Forgive our screw ups.

Believe in our intentions.

Allow us to grow into who we are.”

 

*Notes from a conversation with myself, on a high plateau, somewhere in the middle of Montana.

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