Random Observations « Surviving Narcissism

Random Observations

Pros and Cons

I’m lousy at identifying trees. My neighbor has a ginormous – Maple? Green Ash? – tree in his front yard that creates the loveliest umbrella over our driveway. On a hot summer day (please let us have a few this year) there isn’t a better place to stand than on the shady cool cement of the driveway, with a dripping popsicle, under the dense lacy shade of that tree.

As we drive down our street, with a carload of groceries, a bike and a set of golf clubs, we can see that amazing tree from the first turn. It anchors the end of our block, marks our sanctuary, and protects us from the elements.

With the slightest breeze, that tree drops a bunch of twigs, leaves and tree bits all over the driveway.

I sweep the driveway, and the stuff is there again the next morning.

And I sweep, again, knowing that I could do this job every day and it will need to be done each day after that. Continue reading →

Postcards From a Thriver / Random Observations — 9 Comments
1
May 10

A May Day Surprise

lilacs We’re sending you a May Day Surprise. Since it’s a ‘virtual’ gift we can put in whatever we want – even if it’s not in season.

We’ve created a parchment cone with a twine handle. The parchment is a golden, brownish sort of sepia color and it’s relatively sturdy so that it can hold up to the twine that is looped through the holes on either side. The cones aren’t perfect, but they are full of love and sweetness. Some of the points of the cones are a little dented, and there might be too much twine hanging loosely where it’s knotted at the sides.

We’ve tucked in snipped twigs of the most fragrant, plump blossoms of lilacs. The colors range from the lightest shade of lavender to a deep, almost burgundy shade of purple. Here and there, Jenny poked in a few daisies, and Will tucked in some Italian Flat Leaf Parsley.

We’ve just hung this cone at your door.

This is Will’s favorite part… we’ll ring the bell and run.

You’ll set down your coffee on the way to the door and wonder, “Who could be stopping by today?”

You’ll open your door and be pleasantly surprised to see this funny little paper cone full of flowers. You’ll scoop up the cone and wonder, “Who left this here? This must be some kind of mistake. Who would bring me fresh lilacs?”

__________

Then you’ll remember that it’s the first day of May. You’ll remember being a child, in grade school, when the sun was starting to warm the playground. The teacher had told you about how kids used to dance around a May Pole. At recess, you stood in the sun to warm your shoulders, discovered the tether ball pole, and tried to picture what it would be like to dance around a May Pole with a wreath of flowers in your hair.

__________

With the cone of flowers in hand, you’ll walk back into the house, and sit down at the kitchen table. You’ll breathe in the deep scent of lilacs. Then you’ll discover the note card. On the envelope it says, “For You”.

for-you

You can hardly wait to open the envelope. Inside you’ll find a tiny card that says, “Someone is thinking of you today.”

Random Observations / Stories — 12 Comments
22
Apr 10

An Earth Day Story

canyon His buffalo plaid flannel shirt was neatly tucked into his creased, Sears Work ‘N’ Wear Kahkis.

His ball cap sat high on his head. He doesn’t wear the new low-profile cap that the younger guys wear. He wears a proper high-crowned baseball cap as a tool to shade his eyes, not as a fashion statement.

He was carrying a gas can for filling the lawn mower. It’s the start of the mowing season. He continued his shuffle through the alley, having just made it safely through the busy intersection.

His generation thinks Earth Day is a newfangled invention created by tree huggers. Trees ought to be cut down when they get in the way. Grass is for mowing. He doesn’t see why tin cans, glass, yard waste and newspapers can’t all be thrown into the same dumpster. “Who has time to save the Earth when I’ve got to mow the lawn and wash the car?” Continue reading →

Quotes / Random Observations — Comments Off
19
Apr 10

Friends

A good friend is a connection to life —
a tie to the past, a road to the future,
the key to sanity in a totally insane world.

Lois Wyse

Child of Narcissist / Random Observations — 6 Comments
30
Mar 10

The Guy With The Alex de Grassi Album

I’m tired of reading about how women don’t like the nice guys. I know they are out there. I’d like to like one, I just don’t know how to act around a nice guy.

My imprinting didn’t include any instructions on what to do when a guy is nice.

I was telling someone the other day that I do real well opening up if I’m not worried about whether I’m liked or not. But if I’m in a relationship, and I’m asked personal stuff, I hesitate to reveal much because he might hear something he doesn’t like. And then where would that leave me? There’s too much at stake.

I didn’t say that any of this would make sense.

Continue reading →

Control / Moving On / Random Observations — 12 Comments
4
Feb 10

His Narcissism and Her Restlessness

She pulls up every day at about 11:30 in the morning. She parks her new car next to the park across the street from our house. She gets out and immediately lights up a cigarette. Her clothes have a kind of urban style. Maybe she’s a professional of some sort — lawyer, doctor, counselor, accountant or banker. I imagine she might be between appointments or on her way to lunch. She usually dresses in dark colors, a leather car coat and delicate, black framed glasses. She’s tall and thin with dark brown hair. She never stands still. Most of the time she’s talking on her cell, walking back and forth, beside the length of her car. She’s trying to quit smoking. She doesn’t want to smoke inside her car.

She promised her partner that she had quit, and she fools herself into believing that he won’t smell it on her, or the car.

When she talks on her cell, she seems excited and happy. She acts like someone who has something wonderful to look forward to. She barely pays any attention to the cigarette in her hand. She’s one of those interesting people who can’t seem to talk without moving their hands. I half expect her to send either her phone or the cigarette flying. Every time she makes a point in the conversation, I see her emphasize with her hand, or look up at the sky and let out a laugh, or sometimes she does all three at once.

She appears to be energized by the conversation.

The mornings when she’s not talking on her phone, she seems like a completely different person. She smokes one cigarette after another. She paces beside her car, head down, with her other hand in her pocket. It’s as if she’s waiting for the phone to ring, or contemplating her next appointment, or mentally ticking off her to-do list. Continue reading →

Moving On / Parenting / Random Observations — 4 Comments
3
Dec 09

The Advent Calendar and Expectations

wreath I knew this woman who had three kids and every year at Christmas, she put up a lavish Advent Calendar. She would wrap one present for each kid for each day on the calendar. That’s 75 little packages. I think she was running for the Mom Of The Year Award. I’ve not seen her in awhile. Maybe she buckled under the pressure of all those holiday expectations.

I made an Advent Calendar a few years ago.

Each day Will and Jenny open one envelope. They take turns opening, since there is only one envelope for each day. The envelope contains a little note that is their “present” for the day. It’s not always a package to open, in fact, it usually isn’t.

The note might say:

Play games tonight.
Go to the library.
Soak your tootsies and watch a Christmas movie.
Put up the Christmas Tree.
Stay up late on a school night.
Go to Grandma and Grandpa’s and play Aggravation.
Look under the couch. (They’ll each find a candy bar.)
Bake Christmas Cookies.

Continue reading →

Moving On / Random Observations / Seeing My Path / Tools — 8 Comments
23
Nov 09

Leaf Therapy

yellow I ended up raking leaves today. The wind had done a good job, but there were still quite a few leaves in the back yard – probably has something to do with the fencing.

The sky was gray, and the air had that feeling like the clouds were getting ready to unload their piles of snow. It lent a certain urgency to the raking. I kept telling myself that a cup of coffee would taste that much better if I got one more chore crossed off the list.

__________

I remember after 9/11, I was cleaning my kitchen and thinking, “God, I’m so lucky, I get to clean my kitchen.” It seemed that I shouldn’t allow myself to complain about chores when so many would never be able to complain again. I felt like that while raking leaves today.

I’m lucky that I can rake. Continue reading →

Child of Narcissist / Moving On / Random Observations / Seeing My Path / Tools — Comments Off
28
Oct 09

Filling The Hole

I can’t sleep — again. Jenny woke at 2:30 a.m. and came in my bed.

In the old days when I couldn’t get back to sleep, I’d lay there thinking about what I was doing wrong, what I needed to change, or how I could do better. Now when I can’t sleep, I think about how far I’ve come, how I really am doing well, and how I can’t wait to write on this blog.

If you have never tried journaling, you need to. I’ve written in diaries or journals – and now this blog – my whole life. A journal provides a guarantee that you will always be listened to and heard.

Anyway, now it’s 4:00 a.m., so I might as well get up, fix some decaf tea, grab some graham crackers and start writing. It’s funny how as my fingers fly across the keyboard, my head seems to empty of all the thoughts keeping me awake, and my body loses its tenseness.

Tonight I was thinking about my theory – it’s not an original theory. It’s an amalgamation of a bunch of different theories that I’ve read about in all the self-help books that I’ve devoured over the years.

I believe we all have a hole in our soul. Some call the hole a void or an injury. I don’t like “injury”. It’s too dramatic. “Injury” leads to the word “victim”. I don’t like walking around thinking that I’m a victim. It sounds helpless and hopeless. Continue reading →

Lack of Empathy / Moving On / Random Observations / Seeing My Path / You Might Be a Narcissist If ... — 3 Comments
23
Aug 09

The Narcissist As Protector

Last night I was reading in bed. Reading in bed was frowned upon when I was married. Bedtime was meant for one thing and one thing only – service. We didn’t have a T.V. in our bedroom for the same reason.

Now, in my happy little sanctuary, I often read and watch T.V. in bed at the same time – a sweet, simple pleasure. I was reading a wonderful novel by Elizabeth Berg.

Recently, my 90 year old grandmother was visiting. We were sitting around the table talking about books. She asked what I’d been reading. When I told her mostly self-help books, she rolled her eyes and said, “You ought to read something by Elizabeth Berg.” Guess there’s not much point in self-help books when you’re 90.

Elizabeth Berg is the kind of author that makes you feel like you are sitting down for coffee and stories with an old friend.

Back to last night – I was engrossed in the reading and I saw something scurry across my bedroom carpet and head under my bed. It was a ridiculously large spider – so big, in fact, that it had to duck it’s head to get under the bed. I threw my book at it. That didn’t work. I grabbed the broom to try and get at it. Nothing. Continue reading →