The World Revolves Around Me « Surviving Narcissism

The World Revolves Around Me

The INFJ and the Narcissist – Part 10

Becoming a parent changes you. There is no way to know who you will be as a parent, until you become a parent. Your partner changes, too, in many unexpected ways.

It is dangerous to make assumptions based on love and affection. Even so, she made plenty of assumptions that would prove to be her undoing.

She had assumed that her partner would make parenting a priority. Even if he had avoided playing an active role in the pregnancy, he’d have to make parenting a priority. Wouldn’t he? How could she marry someone who wouldn’t make parenting a priority? She figured that was a given, so she didn’t have those important conversations beforehand. She didn’t ask, “Will you juggle your time to make kids a priority? Will you cut back on recreation to help out, knowing that it won’t be long before we can all go as a family? Will you delegate at work so as to create more time for home? Will we parent as a team? Will you change diapers? Are you okay with breastfeeding? Do you refer to it as ‘babysitting’ when you have the kids with you?”

She avoided those conversations – maybe because she knew the answers and didn’t want to admit it. INFJs avoid conflict. Continue reading →

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4
Nov 14

Narcissist in Our Midst

He entered and the energy changed.

He quickly surveyed the other people in the room. She sensed that he was measuring himself against the others to make sure he was the tallest, the best dressed and the one in control. When offered a glass of wine, he thanked the hostess in a way that was over-the-top. It’s just a glass of wine. Why the show of being so gracious?

The conversation began with a few sputters. One brought up the weather. Another tried to mention the upcoming holidays or the busyness down at the school. It wasn’t until he brought up a subject that the conversation took off, except it was more of a lecture, or a lesson, or a monologue of his observations. He shared his philosophy about how the school might be run better, even though he had no experience running a school. He gave us his take on the best way to raise children, even though he rarely saw his older children. (She wondered if they’d had enough of him when they were growing up, and they’d moved far away for a reason.)

If another tried to interject, he’d politely correct them. “Oh, I understand you feel that way, but what I’ve learned is that it’s this way.” If another tried to switch the topic, he’d hijack the new topic and bring it back around to himself, his experiences, and his vast amount of knowledge.

Continue reading →

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20
Jan 14

“What About Jen?”

“Will, you’re blinking a lot. What’s up?”

“Nothing.”

“Is it about the trip?”

“No. Yeah. I dunno… I guess.”

I put down my mug and said, “Tell me.” Continue reading →

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11
Jan 14

Leaving or Staying*

The kids were standing at the check-out with the next books in the Percy Jackson series and I was taking in the beautiful quilts on display at our public library. I didn’t need a book. I was part way through three different books and I knew I didn’t have the brain space to start something new.

One quilt caught my eye. It was suspended over the “New” books section, so I walked over to get a closer look. The quilter had a great sense of which colors go well together – purples and teals – and a good eye for negative space, which isn’t easy to do in a quilt. I turned to meet up with Will and Jen and I noticed the book. It jumped out at me. It was probably the word – narcissist – that caught my attention.

I could find that word in a haystack.

I’d been thinking that I’m all done with reading about narcissism. Time to move on. I’ve learned enough. But… the title intrigued me. It referred to my role in these relationships with narcissists.

Perhaps I have more work to do. Continue reading →

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17
Jun 13

homekeeping 9

“But dad, I don’t want that kind of putter. I know what I want and I’m paying for it with my own money. I’ve researched this putter on the internet. Dad, I know what I want.”

As they drove away without a new putter, Will’s stomach started to act up.

Once they arrived home from that day’s dad visit, both kids unleashed.

“He doesn’t know anything about golf. Why is he telling me how to spend my own money?”

“Why do we have to go to his office for visits when he only sees us two times a week?” Continue reading →

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16
Oct 12

Mission Impossible: Relationship With a Narcissist

You could make a conscious choice to give up on pursuing your dreams, your goals and your passions.

You could end relationships with best friends from college, family members and the women in your book club.

You could always eat at her favorite restaurant, wear your hair the way he likes, decorate your house to please her, cook only his favorite meals, and forget that you ever had preferences of your own.

You could have conversations where you do all the listening and never get to speak of what is on your mind or in your heart.

Continue reading →

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11
Oct 12

When Narcissists Carve Pumpkins

It’s highly unlikely that you’d get your favorite narcissist to spend an afternoon carving pumpkins with you. They have much more important things to do.

But… if you find yourself on a day when the stars have aligned, the weather isn’t nice enough to do anything else, and you’ve sourced/doted on/adored your narcissist enough, he may acquiesce.

If he agrees, be prepared to hear some of the following:

“Hey, let’s keep the mess on the table. Try to keep all the goo on the paper so it doesn’t get all over the house.”

“We don’t need those pattern thingys. Can’t you borrow some pumpkin carving tools from your mom? I don’t want to have to spend any more than I have to on this project. Besides, I can draw better than the folks that make those patterns.”

“Did you really just get pumpkin slime on your t-shirt?”

“Don’t draw the eyes so close together, that’s not what pumpkins look like.”

“We’ll keep these pumpkins at my house. You guys get your own.”

“Make the mouth bigger. You won’t be able to see it from the street.”

“No, that’s not how to do the eyes. Here, let me show you.”

“Hey, watch it! You got some on the floor.”

“Push up your sleeves. You’re getting it all over everything.”

“You guys aren’t listening to me.”

At this point, the narcissist sighs deeply, asks you to hand him your tools and says, “Hey, I have an idea. Why don’t you two go watch a show and I’ll finish the pumpkins. That way they’ll be done right.”

On second thought, don’t ask your favorite narcissist if he wants to carve pumpkins with you.

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26
Sep 12

What Control Looks Like

Control looks like two exhausted kids, asleep in their car seats, while dad detours to wash the car after a long day of hiking. “Never mind how exhausted and hungry you guys are, this car has to look good.”

Control looks like the business owner who still insists on handling every detail of running a business because no one else is competent enough to handle even the most mundane tasks.

Control looks like the hair style that hasn’t been in style in twelve years. You know the one – it’s untouchable, unnatural and hard as a helmet from several coats of hair spray. “Mess with my hair and I’ll mess with you.”

Control looks like the family walking through Disneyland dressed in matching shorts, t-shirts and ball caps. If you see them from the front, they all have the same grimace on their faces. They’ve been coached to pretend to look like they’re having fun.

Control looks like the house that is never in need of dusting. Every art object is displayed in the right light. Every piece of furniture is placed at the best angle. This house isn’t lived it – living is messy. This house is for show. Continue reading →

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19
Sep 12

Narcissists Need to Criticize

“You should have used a brush instead of spray paint.”

“Honey, that’s not what a horse looks like. Let me show you how to draw a horse correctly. And shouldn’t the trees have green leaves instead of purple?”

“The rice needs more soy, but other than that it’s decent.”

“I know you are the one with the degree in marketing, but is that the correct font for that mailer?”

“Let me proofread that. You usually miss something.” Continue reading →

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11
Sep 12

Explaining Narcissism to Kids

“How come he says I can use his camera, and then he tells me what pictures to take, and how to take ’em?”

“He can’t help it. He thinks what you do is part of who he is, and whatever he does has to look good to the rest of the world. That means that what you do has to look good, too. “

“Well why does he care so much about what the rest of the world thinks?”

“Because he doesn’t feel good about himself. If he can convince the world that he is awesome, then he’ll like himself better.” Continue reading →

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28
Aug 12

The Narcissism Survivor’s Tool Box

Braced against the sheer, shaley side of a ravine, holding the handle bar of his bike, he yelled, “Dad! Dad, I need help here. I’m about to lose my bike! Dad! Help!” He was torn between letting his bike fall to the 15 foot pool at the base of the ravine, or worse, falling with his bike.

He was able to reach his water bottle. After taking a sip, he tried to yell again, but he couldn’t get his dad’s attention. He would have to hang on longer.

He waited, balanced on the brink, wondering why he’d agreed to go on another one of these all-day adventures.

The adventures had gotten better now that he was older, but he still ended up with an upset stomach from the exposure and risk that his dad took for granted.

Continue reading →

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26
Apr 12

Selective Attention and Homemade Tea Bags

When I brew a cup of tea, Jenny runs over to stand next to my cup. Her turned-up nose hovers over the steam as she inhales deeply. She loves the smell of tea but isn’t fond of the taste. She often asks if she can dunk my tea bag while she watches the hot water take on the soft yellow of Chamomile. She likes knowing the color comes from flower petals.

I think she’s drawn to the ritual of the process. She’s fascinated by the little envelopes that hold the dried leaves. She likes the names of tea: English Breakfast, Orange Pekoe, Honey Bush, Peppermint and Lemon Zinger.

And so she spent the better part of a sunny afternoon, sitting out on the patio with paper, embroidery floss, staples, tape and markers to make her own tea bags. Her tea bags contained imaginary dried petals and herbs.

Will and I marveled at how much they looked like real tea bags. Maybe these were tea bags for baby dolls. They might be used for a party with imaginary friends.

Jenny served us up some “steaming hot tea” in pastel-colored cups with mismatched saucers. Will asked for Peppermint. I chose Earl Grey. Continue reading →

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15
Apr 12

Narcissism – The Crux of the Matter

Me: “He’s demonstrated that he is more than willing to put in the time. When other kids his age beg to play Xbox, he searches the internet for tips on golf swings. Clearly, this is one of his top three passions – it may be the thing he is most passionate about. We’ve been told by a couple instructors that he is blessed with some natural talent. We don’t spend money on soccer or baseball or football or guitar or karate. I really think it’s time we get him some lessons and support him in this thing he loves.”

Him: “My parents never did that for me.”

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10
Apr 12

When Enough Is Enough

She could remember when seeing his name in her Inbox made her heart race with excitement. Now seeing his name in her Inbox made her palms sweat. She let the cursor hover over his name. She didn’t want to click to open his email.

She’d have to decide what to write back.

Did she even want to write back?

Being nice was her thing. She’d been supportive. She’d been there. She’d listened and responded.

Was there anything positive coming out of this relationship? If this was positive, why did it feel bad?

Were there healthier places to invest this energy?

Was she opening and answering emails because she was afraid there wouldn’t be another to come along.

She closed her laptop and stared out the window at the park.

__________

Her daughter came up and said, “Mom… are you interruptible? Can I ask you something?”

She looked into her daughter’s blue eyes and found the answer she’d been looking for:

Would she – one day – want her kids to
pin their hopes on this kind of relationship?

She opened her laptop and deleted his email before opening it.

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2
Apr 12

He Might Be A Narcissist If …

… before you were married, he said flattering things about the way you dressed and the clever way you put yourself together. After marriage, he tells you how he never liked boots with skirts, and that you shouldn’t wear your hair short because it makes your face look full.

… he refuses to suggest that you spend a day doing something you’ve been talking about – something he knows you’ve been dying to do – until you beg him to go with you.

… he spends more time getting ready in the morning than you. His lotions and potions take up more space in the bathroom than your creams, and he often smells more fragrant than you.

… before marriage he was convinced you did everything perfectly. Now that you’ve been married for eight months you’ve mysteriously forgotten how to cook an egg, sweep a floor, make a proper bed or keep the car tidy.

… he says you spend too much time reading and not enough time watching the stuff he likes on T.V. Continue reading →

Surviving Narcissism Exploring life after marriage to a narcissist. Learning and thriving by sharing our story. – Jesse Blayne