The World Revolves Around Me « Surviving Narcissism

The World Revolves Around Me

What A Dad Does

backyard-water-slide This photo reminds me of all the fun that was had around our house this week. Those drops of water are getting ready to slide down the tulip leaf. You can almost hear the drops saying, “Wheeeee!”

Kelle, my cousin’s daughter, was invited to stay Monday night. Her mom and sister went on a trip, and we thought it’d be fun to have Kel here to hang out with Jen and Will for a night and a day.

They had so much fun, that Monday night and Tuesday turned into Tuesday night …

You can see where this is going.

I started to feel bad for Joe, her dad. I thought he might be missing his daughter a bit, so we invited him for pizza Tuesday night. He arrived during major renovations. The kids hatched a plan to move the fort they had constructed in the living room, to the back yard. I dug out the inflatable mattress and the pump. We were twenty minutes into inflation when Will announced that Jenny could blow up the mattress faster than that silly pump. Joe offered to run to the other side of town to get his pump. Continue reading →

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9
Jun 10

The Narcissist’s Instincts

I woke to the sound of our cat crunching on her breakfast. We buy her the good stuff. I’m sure that’s why she’s so nice to us. Then I heard her claws click across the hardwoods as she made her way down the hall and across my bedroom. I heard the pause before she jumped on my bed. She snuggled in for a morning nap after filling her belly. My bed sets beside a sliding glass door that looks out on the Poplar in the back yard. Just as the cat closed her eyes, I saw a Robin land on the shed roof next to the Poplar.

I don’t know how my cat saw the Robin with her eyes closed. There wasn’t a sound to alert her. Her body tensed, her hair stood on end, and she started making that chattering sound that cats make when all-systems-are-go, and there’s a victim to be trounced upon. Her instincts kicked in. She went from full belly/drowsy eyes to ready to pounce in 2.3 seconds.

That is the power of instinct.

I didn’t babysit much as a teenager. I wasn’t interested. I didn’t want to hold babies. Truth is, I was afraid of babies and their needs and their vulnerability. I didn’t think they were particularly cute, and they smelled weird.

As I got older, I got to a place where I actually wanted a baby. It was a foreign concept and a new feeling for me. I felt this longing, but I couldn’t conceptualize why I wanted this thing that I hadn’t been interested in. I won’t go into the clock ticking and the insatiable hunger and that stuff. It was just this low-grade hum that kept telling me, “You want this. Your life isn’t complete without this.” Continue reading →

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29
May 10

Venting Prevents Action

“What do I have to do to be good enough so dad will love me?” “How come I have such a bad dad?” “My life won’t be good without a good dad.” And to that I said, “Honey, do I have a bad life? How am I doing? I have a pretty darned good life, don’t I?” And through alligator tears Jenny said, “It’s just not fair. When are you going to get us a real dad?” I wanted to say, “Well it’s not like I can put a post on Craig’s List saying, “Need one great dad for two amazing little people. Must like listening, Barbies, joke telling, card trick teaching, golfing, fishing, bow hunting, skiing and relating. Don’t need husband. Narcissists need not apply.”

And so we continue this bizarre odyssey of trying to navigate a relationship with a guy who is completely clueless about how to relate to his kids.

Mark purchased a new set of golf clubs, new hiking boots, and is shopping for new running shoes for Will. Nice, right? He took Jenny to get a pair of earrings, and said, “Some day I’ll have to get you a bike.” Then he turned to me and said, “Does she need new shoes?” He was standing right next to Jen, but he didn’t ask her that question. Jen looked at me and said, “Mom, I don’t have any good running around shoes.” But he didn’t hear her. He wasn’t listening for an answer to the question he’d asked.

Instead of relating to or listening to his beautiful kids, he buys them things. This isn’t a new thing for divorced couples. But most divorced adults might be cognizant enough to realize that the gift buying should approach fairness, to some degree.

Now, of course, Jen thinks that Mark loves Will more. Will is crying because he feels bad for his sister. Continue reading →

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27
May 10

Beauty Through the Act of Loving

imperfect-beauty Yesterday’s post was about beauty and insecurity and denying who I am. It was a difficult post to write. I’m not even sure where it came from. Getting that necklace in the mail was akin to jamming a stick of dynamite in a dam that I didn’t even know existed. Feelings, emotions and tears started flowing, and they weren’t going to stop. Apparently, they haven’t stopped yet. I’m not done with the topic, and I’m convinced that this flood is sending me further down the path that I’m supposed to be on. The tidal wave of emotions is pushing me faster, and I’m not afraid. In fact, I can’t wait to see how far it takes me. This is another exercise in authenticity and speaking truth. Both of those expressions are over-used. But if we set out in search of those things, with integrity, the pursuit of authenticity and truth gets us closer to who we are meant to be.

warning: I took a challenge to write 2500 words today. I’ve never struggled with coming up with the words. I usually cut myself off in an effort to make my post more manageable (less tiresome). This will be LONG. Get a cup of tea, a glass of wine, or a milkshake, or skip it all together and haunt one of your favorite, less wordy sites.

So in response to my ‘beauty’ post, I got some warm, loving, complimentary comments from dear friends and dear family. I didn’t want it to appear that I was writing that post to fish for compliments. I guess I’m a better fisherwoman (why isn’t fisherwoman in spellcheck?) than I thought. (I can cast a fly line pretty well, but I never catch much. I can put a worm on a hook, but I’m usually busy sipping my beer, and I don’t see the tug on the pole.) The comments were extraordinarily nice, and they made me very uncomfortable, just as any kind of compliment has always made me uncomfortable.

And as I was responding to my intelligent, beautiful cousin this morning the pistons in my still sleepy brain fired and I was hit by another thought.

(‘Beautiful’ and ‘intelligent’ are descriptors for all the women who commented on my post yesterday. Thanks Mom, Donna, Lucy, Kate and Jessica. I’m sure these apply to Jessica, even though I don’t know her well. Yet. Just as they apply to all the women that I am proud to know.) Continue reading →

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25
May 10

Narcissism and Lip Service

Wikipedia defines lip service as an idiom meaning giving ‘approval or support..insincerely’. Lip service is not the sole domain of narcissists. We all give things lip service. “I’d love to meet you for lunch.” “Love that new haircut.” “Of course, those pants don’t make your butt look big.” “Your new boyfriend is very charming.”

__________

Mark was dying to see the kids when we returned from vacation. He has since tried to see them every stinkin’ day. We have not received any sort of formal wrap-up from the counselor on where we are headed in terms of how all parties might try to better get along. The kids are acting like, “Whoa! Hold on a minute. What has changed? Why so many visits, so soon?” Is it silly to even expect a wrap-up from the counselor? I’m still not real sure what we were trying to accomplish with the counseling sessions. I get the feeling that Mark was making a show of working on things. He now thinks that we are believing that he is working on things.

Cross that off the list.

Resume regular visits. Continue reading →

Child of Narcissist / Homekeeping / Moving On / The World Revolves Around Me — 2 Comments
8
May 10

homekeeping 4

I still have to pack, but my toes are painted, fake tan is applied, kids’ hair is cut, the single plant that we do have is watered, and the fridge is empty.

It’s time for vacation. Even the very word, ‘vacation’, is delicious. Just saying it makes the tightness in my shoulders melt. The minute it rolls off my tongue, I swear I can smell sunscreen and feel sand in the waist band of my swimsuit.

Not taking my laptop means I’m not taking the blog with. It sorta feels like leaving one of my kids behind. Jen and Will are delighted that I won’t be hiding behind a computer screen. They are unbelievably supportive of the time and attention I devote to the blog. But it’s time that they get all of me for a few days.

We can’t head off without updating you.

__________ Continue reading →

Child of Narcissist / Lack of Empathy / The World Revolves Around Me / Tools — 2 Comments
6
May 10

Trail Guide

“I’m afraid that whatever I write will make this worse.” That was the start of Jenny’s assignment today. Yesterday afternoon, the counselor called to set up an appointment for a Friday session with Mark and the kids. She asked that we agree to have Mark pick the kids up and take them to the appointment.

Will and Jen are not at all thrilled about riding to the appointment with Mark. I think the lack of contact has made them even more uncomfortable with their dad. I can see why the counselor wants them to ride with Mark. She wants to see what the kids are like, when they aren’t washed in my influence. And I agree with her. Even though I’m trying to be very diplomatic with this process, they will pick up on my energy. We are too tight for that not to happen.

Will is currently penning an 11 year old’s version of The Grapes of Wrath. He hasn’t taken any breaks to ask for a cup of coffee or swing a club. He has completely embraced this assignment. His paper starts with, “What Bugs Me About My Dad.”

I wanted to help them vent their frustrations by turning this into a home school project. They’ll have more material to discuss at the counseling session, and hopefully they will be able to unload their hearts a bit. Perhaps this assignment will calm them and guide them during tomorrow’s appointment.

They’ll head back into Narcissism Country with their own trail guides. I’m going to cover them in body armor and stick little virtual spray cans of mace in their hands. Continue reading →

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5
May 10

Hiking in Narcissism Country

It’s a bad idea to walk through rattlesnake habitat in flip flops. It isn’t advisable to hike through grizzly territory with bacon tucked in your back pocket. Children should never be left unattended in mountain lion country.

Once, even though I knew better, I walked through a dry, stubble field in Teva Sandals. The one time I did, I came within 6 inches of a rattlesnake. I was lucky, but there’s no excuse for not being prepared, for not using my brain, for being cavalier about what could be lying in wait.

The same goes for narcissism.

I am chin deep in narcissism country. I know the game switches with each conversation. I know his attempts at manipulation. I know how he contradicts himself, sometimes within the same sentence. I know when he has set a trap. I know how charming he can be.

The least I can do is keep my wits about me. I would be foolish to ever let myself forget how the ground shifts in Narcissism Country. Hikers must always take enough provisions, and familiarize themselves with any potential wildlife threats. Continue reading →

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4
May 10

Update on the Counseling Process

We haven’t heard a word from Mark.

The kids and I talked over the weekend and came up with a proposal. We wanted to suggest a visitation schedule that we could live with. Mark has indicated that he would like to see them more frequently. The kids say, “Absolutely Not.” We think we’ve come up with something to appease Mark. We hope that he will see that a few visits are better than nothing at all.

See? There we go hoping again.

Yesterday morning I called Mark and ended up leaving a message. I selected what I hoped sounded like an encouraging/positive voice. I told him that we were looking forward to talking to him after his counseling session – which was yesterday. I asked him to please call us so that we could discuss how to proceed from here.

I called again in the afternoon. No answer.

Now what? Continue reading →

Moving On / The World Revolves Around Me / Tools — 4 Comments
3
May 10

Do It

He was walking and pacing, too agitated to sit still and get involved in the conversation. Every once in awhile, he’d check on the kids to make sure they weren’t getting out of hand. He’d try to sit down and join in, but he’d last for about 5 minutes, before getting up and walking to the other end of the house.

She was sitting at the table, eyes blank, pressing the bridge of her nose in a vain attempt at stopping a nagging headache. Occasionally she glanced in his direction to see if he’d found a place to settle in. I could tell that his pacing was making her headache worse. She was stopping herself from asking him to, “Please. Please just sit down.” She wasn’t contributing to the conversation. Either she didn’t have anything to say, her head was killing her, or she just wanted to be somewhere else.

And the other couple appeared to be similarly disconnected. She was sitting, seemingly holding court, chattering endlessly as if by continuing to talk, she’d be able to let off the steam from all her nervous energy. Her eyes would dart from one person to another, looking for some indication that what she was saying was mattering to someone. She had this panicky look like she was afraid that she might run out of words, before finding the one thread that would connect her to someone in the room.

And her husband had stopped listening years ago. He was going through the motions of tending to the children. Watching the kids provided him with the escape he needed, so he wouldn’t have to sit and listen to his wife’s endless chatter. His eyes appeared like they might not be focused. He was on auto-pilot. Check the youngest, keep her from putting that object in her mouth. Find the oldest and remind him to share. Back to the youngest to grab the offending object. Back and forth. And his wife didn’t seem to notice that he and the kids even existed.

And no one connected. In fact, their restlessness made it impossible for them to connect. And if asked, they wouldn’t be able to tell you the last time they had connected. They might try to suggest that they connect with their kids. Or they’d say that they try to connect with their spouse, but that their spouse isn’t trying to connect with them. Continue reading →

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29
Apr 10

Approaching Full-Circle

“So it’s pretty obvious that you didn’t try to coach your kids before you came in today.” That’s what the counselor first said, when I walked into her office after she’d met first, with Will, and then with Jenny. I explained that I thought it was better/healthier to not over-talk this appointment. (You probably didn’t know I could not over-talk something.) I had explained to them that they would be very comfortable talking to her. They didn’t need to worry about me or their dad hearing what they said. They could complain about me, too, if they so felt. There were no right or wrong answers. And this was a great way for them to get some stuff off their chests.

Interestingly, the counselor pointed out that a lot of kids, upon entering her office, frantically unload their brains in an effort to spew everything they’ve been coached to say, in hopes of not getting in trouble for forgetting to say everything.

Yikes.

I believe we have to trust, that if we are headed down the right path, then we better not impede the process by trying to force our desired outcome.

Then she showed me their drawings. It was absolutely fascinating to see how she interpreted the sketches. She’s been employing the House/Tree/Person technique for 16 years. I knew my kids would be comfortable with sketching since they draw every day. Continue reading →

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27
Apr 10

Being Heard

It feels like complete acceptance, total respect, absolute acknowledgment and warmth all wrapped into one big bear hug. It’s not the first time I’ve been heard. I have amazing family and friends who have supported me and believed me about NPD and it’s effects on my family. Even so, there was always a glimmer of doubt that perhaps I had been clinging so desperately to the belief that my ex was a narcissist, in a vain attempt at making sense of a messed up marriage.

The validation that comes with speaking to a professional – someone who understands personality disorders – is an entirely new level of understanding. And prior to yesterday’s visit, I’d been to two other counselors who had completely dismissed me.

I had decided to not play the narcissism card right off the bat. I had a lot of time to present a picture of the history of my relationship with Mark, from the time we first started dating. I included my observations about the boys from his previous marriage and how I had assumed, based on what Mark had told me, that his relationship with them was strained because of his ex-wife’s influence.

I tried my hardest to leave out emotion, name-calling (that was really hard) and nit-picking. I presented clear-cut examples of bizarre treatments and behaviors. I told her how Mark announced when Will was 6 weeks old, that this family thing wasn’t for him. I told her how the kids weren’t allowed to makes messes in his house. I told her how he would remove himself from conversations if the talk didn’t center on him. I told her about the insidious picking and critiques of Will and Jen’s hair styles, wardrobes and choice of hobbies. I told her how I kept trying, after our separation, to come up with suggestions of what Mark and the kids could do together. I told her that I opened my house to him for visits, even after learning about “the incident”. I told her about how the kids refuse to call him on his behavior because of potential repercussions.

Periodically, she would look at me in total dismay. Several times, as she was writing fast and furiously, she would say, “Wait. Back up? What did he say?” Continue reading →

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26
Apr 10

Kismet

Just a brief update because my head is in the clouds and I can’t articulate well, right now.

It went so damn well that I don’t know where to begin.

I wanted to write a great illustration of what it feels like when things go well. I wanted to tease, and lead into a story, and draw it out.

But I hate that when someone has something to say, and they won’t cut to the chase.

It WENT SO WELL.

And I am encouraged. I’m excited for my kids to talk to her. Continue reading →

Child of Narcissist / Moving On / The World Revolves Around Me — 7 Comments
23
Apr 10

Hope and Rubber Bands

I don’t know how old my kids were before they figured out that rubber bands weren’t actually called ammo. Will had this wooden gun that shot red rubber bands. He’d holler, “Mom, I need more ammo. Where’s the ammo?” Jenny would be cruising around with a Barbie tucked under one arm, and she’d spot a red rubber band behind a chair, and she’d yell, “Hey brother! Over here! There’s ammo behind the chair.”

I think they discovered rubber bands were called ‘rubber bands’ about the time they discovered bars of soap. Seriously, they didn’t know soap came in a solid. The first time they took a bath with a bar of soap was a thing to behold. They spent a big soapy long while in the tub. The bar of soap was squeezed between their little slippery wet hands, until it popped up and landed back in the water with a big splash.

____________

I used to follow this chat forum about daughters of narcissistic parents. I was thinking I’d learn a lot and find some new tools. I can’t go there any more. It’s heartbreaking. In some cases, I would read about a 70 year old woman hoping that one day her 90 year old mother would love her. I read of a 28 year old woman trying desperately to get her mother’s approval. I would read their accounts of wrongs or hurts, and I could hear all the dashed hopes in their posts.

Now I am seeing my kids get their hopes up about next week’s counseling sessions. It is good that Mark is taking this step. Jenny and Will want to believe that things can change. They want to go to bed at night believing that their dad really loves them in all their unique, sweet weirdness. They want to be like their cousins who are fathered (and loved) by dads who like spending time with them, who take them to T-ball practice and wrestling meets and swim lessons. Continue reading →

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21
Apr 10

Humpty Dumpty and Jack

I brought a fresh cup of coffee to my 8:30 counseling session with my blog today. Seems life continues to hand me more fodder for ‘Surviving Narcissism’. This is where I get to use expressions like, “The proof is in the pudding”, “It’s time to take the gloves off”, and (hopefully), “He never knew what hit him.”

I’m using ALL the narcissism tags for this post.

Mark didn’t get to spend a lot of time with the kids this last weekend. Grandma and Grandpa returned from wintering in Arizona, and the kids needed some serious spoiling time. So when Mark called Monday night, I wasn’t surprised to hear his characteristic what-about-me, martyr voice. He said, “You have told me to make them a priority, and when I try to see them, they are too busy with your folks. How am I supposed to fit into their schedule?” I explained that they hadn’t seen grandma for four months, but that they would be available on Tuesday afternoon.

What I wanted to say was, “I asked you, 11 years ago, to make Will a priority. That’s one helluva ‘To-Do List” you’ve got there. You’re just now getting around to making them a priority?”

Three hours into Tuesday’s visit, I walked out to the front yard with my new spine-enhanced posture and said, “We need to cap these visits at three hours. I don’t like being held hostage in my own house.” He sarcastically said, “I would love to have these visits at my house.” I reminded him that the visits at his house would be three hours in length (no over-nighters) and would include both kids at the same time. He frickin’ asked me why the kids wouldn’t be allowed to spend the night. Continue reading →