The World Revolves Around Me « Surviving Narcissism

The World Revolves Around Me

Ho Ho Ho and a Bottle of Rum

I have got to lighten up. I seem to have misplaced my sense of humor. Perhaps I’ll discover it under the pile of gifts yet to be wrapped. Maybe it’s at the bottom of a mug of eggnog laced with rum. (Yuk. Why do people drink sweetened, pre-scrambled eggs? Just give me the rum.) Yesterday Jenny asked me why my eyes were purple. I said, “I was crying.” She said, “How come you were crying, Mommy?” I scooped her up, twirled her around, and excitedly told her, “Because it’s Christmas, Silly.” Doesn’t everybody cry at Christmas? She has watched me sniffle at Hallmark commercials. I’ll let her think that I’m crying for all the mushy reasons that people might get teary over, at this time of the year.

Ahhh… Christmas with a Narcissist. It’s a beautiful thing. For years, Mark told me that Christmas was his most favorite time of the year. He would actually get misty-eyed over the holidays. Then, as we started a family, he would still get all sappy about Christmas, and how magical it was. But we were never seeing him. His shop gets crazy busy during the Thanksgiving/Christmas season. I wasn’t sure what part of the holidays he enjoyed so much, because he wasn’t able to spend time with his family. Perhaps I just didn’t want to believe it. I didn’t want to know, in my heart, that the reason he loved Christmas so much was because of the money-making potential of the holidays. I saw the pattern — he would tear up when discussing the day’s proceeds, not how cute his kids were at their Christmas Programs. Actually, he’d fall asleep at their Christmas Programs due to exhaustion from putting in so many long hours trying to wrangle in those few extra dollars.

When I would suggest that he hire an extra person to help him with the load so that he might enjoy his favorite time of the year with our kids while they were young and believed in Santa, he’d scoff at me. He’d pontificate and say, “Well, you have the luxury of staying home, making the house pretty, and making caramels for Christmas because I slave away and put in the long hours to make that possible.” While I agreed that his working as hard as he did made it possible for me to stay home, I also saw that he enjoyed being on stage down at the shop. No matter the level of craziness or exhaustion, he would parade around Ho Ho Ho-ing the customers, cheerfully bagging the product and all the while exclaiming about how great it is to be one of Santa’s Elves. He would insist that the kids and I be down at the shop, so we could marvel at his performance.

Then, on Christmas Eve, he would collapse at 3 p.m. and begrudgingly wake on Christmas morning when the kids wanted to get up early to see what Santa had left. And, Oh! What Santa would leave! Mittens, ski socks, long underwear, toasty warm ski jackets, snow boots, and gloves, too. And another set of thinker long underwear, warmer than the first, and glove liners and ski tickets, and fleece jackets to layer under the other fleece jackets. And hats and neck warmers and liners for the ski socks. We didn’t work as a team on Christmas gift purchasing. I got what I thought the kids would have fun with. He got what he thought they needed. One year I said, “Mark, if we are going skiing anyway, why is a lift ticket a gift?” He would answer that he made it possible for us to go skiing, so that was a gift. I’ve often considered opening some kind of ski retail shop with all the mittens, gloves, ski socks and long underwear that still has not been worn. The other day, Mark asked Will where his heavy-duty long ski mittens were. I knew the mittens that Mark was referring to. He’d given them to Will three years ago. They are still too big for Will. In fact, they are too big for me to wear.

It seems there is a delicately fine line between the crying and the laughing. I think I’ve been on the wrong side of that line lately. I can either cry about the absurdities of the holidays with Narcissists, or I can laugh. They sure do give us a lot of material for laughter. I hope that if you find yourself crying during this Christmas Season, that you are crying for all the right reasons. Continue reading →

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14
Dec 09

I’ll Take The Fingernails

“Are you kidding? That’s for me? You guys made that for me? Were you thinking about me when you made that? Can I have it? Can I keep it? Can I hang it in my house? Won’t it look so nice in my house? I can’t believe you guys made that for me! You guys were thinking about me! That’s so cool! That’s really for me, right?”

Would you guess that Mark had been presented with the most exquisite gift ever given? Maybe an original painting? Maybe a handmade quilt? Maybe a one-of-a-kind piece of pottery? Maybe the Hope Diamond? Guess again. The kids gave him a few evergreen branches tied together with a Christmas ribbon. Will says, “Ah, yea, Dad. You can go ahead and hang that on your house.” Then Will turns to look at me with this expression on his face that says, “Get me outta here!”

Those exclamations are the sounds of feigned interest. That is the sound of a person faking enthusiasm for something they think they are supposed to get excited about. That is what it sounds like when you pretend to be interested in something your kids have done. Can you imagine having to pretend to be interested? Can you imagine not thinking that everything they create is some kind of gift, or an indication that they are destined for a life of greatness?

We’ve heard that a lot. Usually those exclamations are followed by short statements that tell the artist how they came up short in their execution. “Jenny! That’s the most amazing drawing of the Loch Ness Monster that I’ve ever seen. But I don’t think he has purple spots.” “Will, I love the story you wrote. But, Buddy, you should really stick with painting.”

Narcissists don’t react to situations the way most people do. Most people try to appropriately match their reaction to the situation. Actually, I don’t think most people have to try to do that. Okay, maybe we have to work at it a bit, when we’re reacting to something coming from someone we don’t know well. But with our family, or people we know well, it shouldn’t be fabricated. It comes naturally for most of us to find the right measure of enthusiasm for any given circumstance. Narcissists don’t have that ability. Maybe it has something to do with their lack of empathy. Perhaps they have to fake all emotions when they are reacting to something that they haven’t created. Continue reading →

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1
Nov 09

Trick or Treat

We survived another Halloween. They might be a little less scary now that we aren’t living with the narcissist anymore. He called yesterday afternoon to ask if he was invited to take the kids Trick or Treating. I was confused, “I thought I heard them invite you last night?” He lets out a dramatic sigh and says, “Well, yes, but I didn’t know if something might have changed by today.” Apparently he needs to be invited to be a parent.

The kids had overheard my phone conversation with him. They asked what it was about. I explained that their dad wondered if he was still invited to take them Trick or Treating. Will laughed and said, “Oh, he’s doing that thing where he wants us to beg him to come over.” Jenny said, “No, actually, he doesn’t really want to go at all, so he’s seeing if we’ve changed our minds.” They are both correct, to a certain degree. They definitely have him pegged.

Then, when he had completed his 20 minute stint with the kids, he asked if they wanted to do anything on Sunday. Will excitedly told him that we’d be eating junk food and watching the Packers beat the Vikings. Mark was never much into watching football. I think he’s a little miffed that the kids and I are getting into it.

Today, he called 10 minutes before the game was supposed to start. He talked to Jenny, because Will was busy, and his message was, “I’m just letting you both know that I am available to talk on the phone, or to come over and hang out.” And that was it. Clearly, he is letting them know that he expects them to call and beg him to come over. He wants to see if he can actually trump the football game. He wants to see if they like being with him so much, that they’ll gladly change any plans that they’ve made with me. While it may sound like he wants to see/be with the kids, he really just wants them to want to be with him. When he gets over here, he is not at all interested in how they are or what they have going on in their lives. And when they don’t initiate anything with him, we don’t hear from him for days.

And here’s what I do … I spend the rest of the afternoon reminding them that they may want to call their dad. Old habits die hard. I am so conditioned to try and foster this relationship between my kids and their dad. It’s like breathing. I used to say, “Don’t forget to call your dad. Your dad would appreciate a phone call tonight. Do you want to see if your dad would like to come over?” I am setting them up for the same kind of relationship that I had with my dad, and then with Mark. Those relationships were totally driven by me. They were not reciprocal. They were one-sided. When I dropped the ball with my dad, the relationship was over. When I decided to leave Mark, he didn’t come after me and say, “Hey, I’ll try harder. Let’s make this work.” Do I want that for my kids? I continue to foster this “relationship” because I don’t want my kids to some day say to me, “Why did you keep us from seeing our dad? Why couldn’t we see him whenever we wanted?” Continue reading →

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22
Oct 09

Hello, I’m Over Here

I got a letter from a friend today. He prefers to write in longhand. Perhaps his point was so well-taken because he took the time to write the words out on a piece of paper with a pen. He scribbled through a few of the thoughts he wanted to change, and left edits in the margins. It was enjoyable to read. There’s something so personal and real about a handwritten letter.

He is a father-figure for two girls that mean the world to him. He writes of their personalities, their hobbies, and how much they have enriched his life. It’s clear that he is humbled by the fact that they choose to spend so much time with him. He feels that the best he can offer is to be there for them, to be accepting of them and to encourage them. It would seem that offering to be there, to be accepting and to be encouraging would not be too much to ask of a parent. It simply requires that you take a back seat, and not insist on putting yourself first all the time.

I’ve always wanted my kids to feel completely accepted for who they are. I encourage them in their uniqueness. I encourage them in their academics and extra-curricular stuff, but it’s most important that they know I value who they are, not just how they perform. I never want them to feel that they are an inconvenience. That’s the fall-out of being the child of a narcissist. Children of narcissists end up feeling that if they aren’t performing, or serving, then they are an inconvenience.

Another friend of mine, who also has a poor relationship with his father, once told me that he didn’t realize how lousy this relationship was until he had kids of his own. He would check in on his girls while they were sleeping, and he felt that his heart was ready to burst with the love he felt for them. He vividly remembers the first time he thought, “If my dad had ever felt that for me, there’s no way he would have treated me the way he did.” It’s when you have kids of your own that it really dawns on you the capacity you have for love. That’s also when you realize that you came up short in that department. It becomes painfully clear that the narcissistic parent was not capable of being there for you, couldn’t possibly accept you for who you are, and could only encourage you so far as that encouragement might benefit them.

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21
Sep 09

Forgiveness

I have one of those screensavers on my laptop that displays all the photos in My Pictures. I still have all the photos from when we lived with Mark. Others have commented that it’s a little odd that I haven’t removed them. That screensaver provides a lot of entertainment for Will and Jenny. It’s like having a whole bunch of photo albums at their fingertips. Their dad is still a huge part of their lives and they get a great deal of enjoyment out of the photos.

If it pains me to see pictures of Mark, then I haven’t moved on.

The other day I walked by the laptop and saw a nice photo of Mark with one of the kids. I thought how sad it is that he misses out on the day-to-day stuff with Will and Jen. As an accommodator, it is easy to lose sleep over stuff like that. That’s why it took me so long to leave.

I felt sorry for Mark over many issues. I felt sorry for him because of his upbringing. I felt sorry for him because of the distance between himself and the rest of his family. Was I going to feel sorry for him for the rest of my life? Naturally, there was a point when I was too mad to feel sorry. But mostly, it is sad that NPD prevents him from really knowing his kids. NPD prevents him from having any healthy relationships.

There is so much written about forgiveness. We’ve heard it all about how the only one who is hurt when you hold a grudge is yourself. Continue reading →

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15
Sep 09

Happy Birthday To Me

Yesterday was Will’s birthday. There’s nothing quite like someone else having a birthday to bring out the best in a narcissist. That sounds contrary to what would be expected, but narcissists are usually kind of moody and mopey on their own birthdays. They’re probably disappointed that they weren’t treated as grandly as expected. Maybe the red carpet wasn’t rolled out for them. Or the cake wasn’t quite perfect. But at someone else’s birthday, they have the opportunity to grandstand, and annex the limelight that should be shined on the birthday person.

Mark selected which gifts would be opened, and at what time in the process they would be opened. He wanted Will to open the gifts from him at certain moments. Apparently he was hoping that the gift opening would end in a fabulous crescendo, with the most fantastic gift coming from himself. The funniest part is that Mark is such a lousy gift giver. He’s always selecting things that he needs, or thinks someone else ought to need. How about that nice set of wrenches. “Gee, Dad, these wrenches might be a little nicer than the set you got me last Christmas. You can never have too many wrenches, or ski socks, or long underwear, or mittens.” Each time Will opened a gift that his dad had presented, Mark would look around the room to take in the admiring glances he was expecting.

Then, the minute the gifts had been opened, he whisked Will away to install the new components for his bike. Then he could direct the attention of the other partyers to himself, again. By taking Will outside to attach the new gadgets to Will’s bike, Mark was making sure that all the attention would not be on Will, but would stay on himself. Will kept asking to go back in the house to look at his other gifts, but Mark insisted that he stay outside to help him, and admire the special gifts that his dad had gotten him.

After Mark left, I asked Will if he’d had a good birthday. He explained that he wished he’d been able to hang with Jenny and myself more, but that his dad insisted that he stay outside. “Mom, how come even my birthday has to be all about dad?”

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13
Sep 09

You Can See ‘Em Comin’ From A Mile Away

I met a narcissist this weekend. I’ve been single, now, for three years. My family and friends keep asking me when I’m going to ‘get back out there’. I have to admit that I haven’t trusted my judgment. I’m an accommodator, by nature. What’s going to prevent me from getting back into another relationship with a narcissist? I’ve done my homework, but I’m still leery of repeating history. Up at my parents’ cabin, we’re all having fun playing cards with another friend. The kitchen door opens, and voila, there he is in all his glory. He was so self-assured that he didn’t even feel that it was necessary to knock first. He’s a long time friend of a family member. I’d only met him one other time, a long time ago.

He provided me with a whole bunch of clues, that in my old, uninitiated days, I would have totally ignored. He was impeccably dressed and coiffed for a guy who was by himself, out in the woods, on a weekend night. He’s going through a bitter divorce, and his ex is literally walking away from the gorgeous house, almost all the furnishings and the family cabin. (She’s desperate to leave.) He is completely clueless as to why she “just snapped.” He still loves her, and can’t see that he’s done anything wrong. He talked candidly, almost embarrassingly, about the details of their separation with a group of people that barely know him. Every one of his sentences was prefaced with, “I did …,” I am …,” I felt …,” “I have …,” and “I am going to …” He referenced his religion several times. (Typically, narcissists are very religious.) When someone attempted to get a word into the conversation, his response had nothing to do with what that person said. He had the stage, and didn’t plan on relinquishing that stage until he was done. He didn’t once take a breath or pause during his monologue to ask how anyone else had been or what anyone had been up to. He was handsome, charming, and completely thrilled with delighting us with his presence.

While he was going on about his life, a friend was standing behind him, facing me, motioning and pointing at the narcissist. Her eyebrows were raised, and she had a look on her face that clearly said, “Hubba Hubba.” I deliberately looked back at her and politely, but firmly shook my head, with a look that must have said, “NO WAY! NOT EVER!” Clearly, the friend was sucked in by his charm. I was almost repulsed by his presence. His behavior was all too familiar. When he left, the friend was stunned that I wouldn’t want to scoop him up and take him home. Been there.

By the next morning, I still hadn’t expressed any of my judgments about the previous night’s visitor. I didn’t allude to the fact that dating him would be history repeating itself. Mostly, I didn’t want to hurt the feelings of the family member that had known this fella for so long. I didn’t even bring up the subject. As we were standing at the wood stove cooking breakfast, my mom says, “So ….. another narcissist, huh?” I have to say that when she said that, I was able to erase all doubts about my ability to avoid another relationship with a narcissist. We have been through enough, and learned enough, by now, that we can see ’em comin’.

Continue reading →

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10
Sep 09

The Super Star

It was Jenny’s turn to be the Super Star of the week in first grade. That is a really big deal for a first grader. Her teacher set up a little revolving shrine for the Super Stars. The shrine would include some of the students’ favorite things, pictures, buddies, artwork, and notes from home. It gives the classmates a little glimpse into the home life of each kid, why they like certain things, and what their families looked like.

Jenny eagerly awaited her turn. She had already lined out the favorites that she wanted to bring to class. The teacher asked that she also include a couple photos of her family. Mark doesn’t get to the classroom often. He always said that anything to do with the kids and school was my job. I thought it was the right thing to do by letting Mark know that he may want to send a photo of himself to class with Jenny. We managed to get all the goodies to the teacher the week before Jenny would be the Super Star.

Jenny’s week arrived, and after the first day, she came home with some interesting stories about her dad. All her classmates wanted to meet him and see him in person. Jenny said he was the most popular dad in her class. I couldn’t imagine what could elicit such a reaction.

On the last day of Jenny’s week as Super Star, I found out why her father had become so popular. I picked Jenny up, prepared to bring home the items from her shrine. There, in the center of the display, was a 5×7 glossy photograph of bare-chested, grinning Mark, standing waist-deep in a raging river, wrestling a big fish.

What first grader wouldn’t be enthralled with a guy like that? Continue reading →

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30
Aug 09

Narcissists And Gift-Giving

Somewhere in the last week of January, 2006, Mark came home from work and emptied three plastic grocery bags on the kitchen counter. I could tell by the look on his face that he was quite proud of himself. With shoulders back and head held high he said, “Well, I’m not going to get in trouble on Valentine’s Day this year. I had to pick up some stuff for work, so I thought I’d get you crossed off the list.”

I said, “Wow, Valentine’s Day is three weeks away and you already got your shopping done.” All the while I was thinking to myself, geez you might wanna wrap something, or keep it hidden for a couple weeks.

No, he needed to bask in the glow of his accomplishment. And, he needed to get Valentine’s Day crossed off the list, so we could all get back to the important things, like making sure he was our top priority.

“Here,” he says, “your favorite chocolates. A nice big box of ’em. And there’s a card in there somewhere, too. Go ahead and find it and I’ll sign it when I get a chance.”

Will took one look at the box of chocolates and said, “Hey Dad, those caramel chocolates are your favorites. Mom likes that yucky dark chocolate stuff.” Continue reading →

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22
Aug 09

“Epipha-me”

From my Webster’s College Dictionary, the word epiphany is defined as:

1. an appearance or manifestation of a deity.

2. a sudden, intuitive perception of or insight into reality or the essential meaning of something ….

The first time I heard Mark use the word epiphany I winced. He pronounced it epipha-ME.

I let it slide. Surely it was a simple mistake. It was kind of cute.

The second time he said epipha-ME I figured I should spare him any embarrassment in case he used that word with somebody else. I ever-so-gently corrected him. I even spelled the word for him so that he would remember that the word ends in ny, not ME.

He didn’t say, “Are you sure? Really? Oh, that’s embarrassing.” He just ignored me. I know he must have thought, “Well, I’m never wrong. She’s got to be wrong.” Continue reading →

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9
Aug 09

Prioritizing

old window I spent a lot of time reading the literature about Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD). It’s good to arm yourself with the tools that help you deal with a narcissist. There’s a lot written about how narcissists need to have their narcissism fed. Constant admiration and adulation is food to a narcississt. In the absence of that adulation, they will find a new source.

When thinking of narcissism, I always pictured a tree searching for water. It has to have water for survival. Some trees send roots deep into the ground. Other trees, like aspens, have shallow root systems. Narcissists have shallow root systems. They are never loyal to one source. They don’t trust their partner to always feed them, so they turn to their kids or their employees or a new lover.

I had moved out. I had purchased my own home. The kids and I were settled.

A year had gone by and he informed me that he was irritated that he was no longer my priority. That was always an issue when I lived with him. No matter how my life would get turned upside down, no matter what I cooked for him, or how I cleaned for him, or the relationships I ended so as to have more time for him, he’d always complain that he wasn’t my priority. And now that I wasn’t even living under the same roof with him, he still couldn’t believe that he wasn’t my priority.

Imagine a person having that thought. Then imagine that person actually putting that thought to words – “Why am I no longer your priority?” Continue reading →