Seeing My Path


24
Nov 11

Appreciation for Blessings

Call it gratitude, thanks, or appreciation.

Blessings come in many shapes and sizes.

I am grateful for many things every day, but today I am especially grateful for these blessings.

  • A safe, cozy home – free of judgment and negative energy.
  • Family and friends who infuse our lives with love, humor, skill saws, plumbing knowledge and free labor.
  • A cat who knows when we need extra attention, and doesn’t get too mad at us when we take occasional road trips.
  • The opportunity to let kids be kids in all their exuberance, sweet messiness, and enthusiastically curious selves.
  • The ability to let the kids pick the menu for today’s feast.  (Pot roast, buttery noodles, lasagna, macaroni and cheese and Cheetos – cuz it’s about the getting together and not about forcing kids to eat stuffing made with chunks of gizzard.  Sorry, mom.  But I will miss your stuffing.)
  • The chance to start a new day with grace and integrity even though I blew all my grace and integrity out of the water with Mark a couple days ago.
  • The deep understanding that I am perfect in my whole unique self. I may have a long way to go, but it’s okay if I mess up, and the important thing is that I keep trying.
  • The insightful, often funny, warm and encouraging comments from all the caring individuals who read this blog.
  • Two amazing kids – one tucked under each arm – who chose to make this journey with me.
  • That look in the eye of someone who knows you, understands you, and loves you anyway.
  • Second chances.
  • The quiet moment to sit down with a fresh cup of coffee and laugh, after the mountain of holiday dishes are done.
  • Leftover lasagna instead of leftover turkey.

Happy Thanksgiving, dear friends!


17
Nov 11

A Life Remodel

One day, I’m going to get an internship at the Behr Paint Factory.  I’ll show up for work in jeans and sit in one of those spinning desk chairs that tip back.  I’ll prop my feet on the desk and throw Nerf basketballs in the net above the coffee machine.  I’ll spend the whole day brainstorming with my jean-clad co-workers about paint names.

I’ll yell out, “Champagne Moon, you know, for that iridescent yellowish quality that a full moon has.”

The gal at the corner desk will say, “Crushed Grass, you know…  when you step on grass and it gets that lighter shade of Kelly Green.”

There will be that guy in the office who hits on every female, and he’ll say, “How about Wet Sheets, for….”

And the girl at the corner desk will roll her eyes and cut him off. Continue reading →


31
Oct 11

Scary

Scary is having your son’s 1st grade teacher ask you if there are problems at home that might explain your son’s nervous tic.

Scary is loosing contact with family and friends because your husband doesn’t like you to keep in touch over the phone or have company come for dinner.

Scary is not being able to sleep because you fear the treatment you’ll receive the next day because you will – once again – disappoint him and fail to meet his expectations.

Scary is believing that you have done something to bring about the treatment you are receiving.

Scary is staring out the window while sipping the morning’s first cup of coffee and realizing that the emptiness you feel every day is what you are going to feel for the rest of your life, if you don’t get out of this situation.

Scary is realizing you have forgotten who you are.

Scary is finally getting the courage to write him a letter explaining your fears and desperation, only to have him tell you that the issues are yours and he’ll support you in your efforts to fix them.

Scary is believing you don’t deserve any better.

Scary is knowing that your husband can’t see his own children for who they are, but tries to mold them into what he wants them to be.

Scary is knowing that if you stay, your children’s spirits will be snuffed out.

Scary is feeling so frightened and desperate that you pack your bags and leave the house you’ve lived in for thirteen years without having a backup plan.

Scary is knowing everyone thinks you are crazy for leaving such a wonderful person.

Scary is getting out, and fearing you’ll end up in another relationship with a narcissist.


25
Oct 11

Self Care In Stolen Moments

grilled-ham-cheese-and-tomatoIn an unexpected turn of events, both kids ended up at grandma’s.

She could do laundry, rake leaves, return phone calls or unload the dishwasher.

She could clean the cat box, change the water in the fish bowls, pick up the remnants of thread from last night’s craft fest, or run errands.

Without giving it any more thought, she jumped in the car and headed for the wine shop.  She re-filled a bottle with basil-infused olive oil and selected an every-day bottle of red wine.

When she got home, she kicked off her shoes and ignored the mess.

She cued Nora Jones on Pandora and stood at the kitchen sink looking out the window at the crimson leaves waiting for a strong gust of wind.

She spied a ripe tomato on the windowsill and went to work.

She put a cast iron pan on medium heat; thinly sliced the tomato; thickly sliced the Monterey Jack, grabbed two slices of bread and butter.  She gathered deli ham, balsamic vinegar, Italian Seasoning and a jelly jar.

She layered ham on one slice of bread, added cheese and tomato, and covered with the other slice of bread.  She spread one outer side of the sandwich with butter and placed it in the warmed pan.  She buttered the remaining side.

She kept the heat at medium so the cheese would slowly melt, sealing the tomatoes to the ham while the bread slightly toasted.

She poured an inch of cabernet in the jelly jar.

She turned up the volume on Pandora.

She glanced again through the kitchen window, took a deep breath and didn’t let herself think about laundry, raking, dishes or bills.

She flipped the sandwich and took a sip of wine.

She cleared a place on the kitchen table, moving things aside, not putting them away.

Once the sandwich was toasted and the cheese was melty, she moved it to a plate and separated the sandwich to reveal the warmed tomato slices.  She drizzled balsamic and the basil-infused olive oil over the tomatoes, soaking the toasted bread.  She dusted the tomatoes with Italian Seasoning.

After another sip of wine, she took her first bite.

__________

It’s not often that she has a moment to herself.  She seldom takes the time to fix herself something yummy to eat.

As she savored the sweetness of the tomatoes, the richness of the cheese and the earthiness of the balsamic, she tried to direct her thoughts.

In her mind, she tied a wide, crimson-colored satin bow around the things she ought to do next.

She pushed them all aside.

Instead, she imagined opening a gift.

The gift was a present to herself.  As she unwrapped the package, images began flying out of the box.  The images represented all the things she was grateful for:  her happy, healthy smiling kids; their cozy little home; good friends and family and her own health.

She took another bite as she visualized more images flying out of the package.

There were the projects she’d completed; the trips they’d taken; the book she’d finished; and the new goals lined out.

In this rare quiet moment, she had the space and time to take stock of, and enjoy her accomplishments.  Instead of fretting about what needed to be done, she thought of the tasks and projects she’d managed to complete.

She allowed herself to be proud of those completed projects.

She had set her own goals and standards, and proved that she could meet them.

She could feel the momentum that comes from making changes and completing projects.

There was more to be done.

There would be more to be thankful for.

And then she heard their footsteps on the front porch.

The door burst open, letting in two kids and a flurry of leaves.

“What’s that smell? Mmmm….  Will you make me one?”

__________

Grilled Ham, Cheese and Tomato

  • Italian Bread
  • Deli Honey Ham – thinly sliced
  • Monterey Jack Cheese – thick slices
  • Tomato – from the garden, if you are lucky
  • Balsamic Vinegar
  • Basil-infused Olive Oil – Extra Virgin Olive Oil will do nicely
  • Italian Seasoning – or Oregano
  • Butter

Layer ham, cheese and tomatoes between slices of bread.  Butter the top and place buttered side down in a cast iron skillet that has warmed on medium heat.  Toast slowly to melt the cheese and warm the tomatoes.  Butter top before flipping.

Once the sandwich is toasted, remove from heat and separate.  Lightly drizzle the olive oil and balsamic over the tomatoes, letting some soak into the bread.  Sprinkle with seasoning.

Take bites of sandwich and sips of wine while picturing all the things you are grateful for.


20
Oct 11

Selective Ignorance

Who am I to question the wise words of Maya Angelou?

When I discovered that quote, it didn’t sit right with me, and yet I still posted it.  Now, I’m wondering if I posted her quote because I wish – with all my heart – that we could allow kids to be uninformed.  (I like uninformed better than ignorant.)

I wish my kids could waltz through their childhoods believing in the mischievousness of Larry the Leprechaun, the eternal kindness and generosity of Santa and the mystery of the Tooth Fairy without having to know the darker sides of human nature.

I’d love nothing more than for them to think all teachers are as endearing as Miss Honey.

I want them to sail through these years without having to know what sexting is.  I want Will to go to the skate park without my having to define the terms he finds written in spray paint in the bowls of the park.  I want Jenny to be able to wear her hair in braided pigtails without other girls teasing her that she still dresses like a little girl. Continue reading →


10
Oct 11

Why Did I Marry A Narcissist?

in-search-of-self

As I reached the top of the hill, she approached from the other side.

“Hey, you!”  Even though I knew she walked in my neighborhood, we’d never run into each other before.

She said, “Hey, yourself!  I never walk this time of the day.”

I said, “I usually try to walk in the morning, but the day got away from me.”

She said, “I didn’t walk this morning because I finished your book.”

*Gulp!*

(Later, when telling a mutual friend of that afternoon’s chance encounter he said, “I suppose you both saw significance in running into each other at the top of the hill.”  I laughed and said, “Well, of course we did!”

__________

She is an acquaintance and a published author.

While I wholeheartedly subscribe to the idea that we ought not write to please mom, or a partner or whoever we are trying to please at the time, there is something unsettling about having an author read my first book.

I wanted to plug my ears at this point, or at least run back down the hill to avoid hearing what she had to say.

Before I could turn to run she said, “I loved the format!  The quotes and pictures round out the whole message.  How is it selling?”

*Gulp.*

Then she said, “Your message will find the right people.  You explored the healthy side of selfishness – about how many of our difficulties can be linked to our not taking care of self – putting ourselves last.  You showed how that balance is necessary.  There’s a lot written about that right now.  It’s a good time for your voice on that subject.”

We spontaneously hugged as a I breathed a sigh of relief and thanked her profusely.

__________

As I walked her back to her house, she said, “You know why you ended up with him, don’t you?”

Because I was still riding the high of her kind words – and admittedly not listening –  I said, “Huh?  Who?”

She said, “The narcissist.  Do you know why you ended up with the narcissist?”

My usual answer to this question is, “I ended up with Mark so that my life would be graced by the presence of Will and Jenny.”

What other sane reason could there be?

This time I didn’t offer that explanation.  I said, “Why do you think I married a narcissist?”

She said, “Because you needed to learn self-care.”


28
Sep 11

Sound Advice

For what it’s worth, the following is a list of pearls – advice I’ve received over the last so many years.

Some was delivered by a caring family member or a dear friend.

Some was gleaned from a magazine article or a self-help book.

Some was uncovered while searching the internet in the wee hours.

Some was initially ignored.

These are the most useful words that I turn to when I don’t know where else to turn.  These aren’t direct quotes, but paraphrases of helpful bits that have gotten us through.

  • If it’s hard to get, it’s hard to keep.
  • If you find yourself in a relationship with a narcissist, run screaming in the other direction.
  • Your gut always tells the truth.
  • If you have to ask him to listen, he’s not interested.
  • If she says she doesn’t have time, what she’s really saying is that she doesn’t want to.
  • Respect is not a given, it should be earned.
  • Respect has nothing to do with age.
  • It doesn’t need to be this hard.
  • If you want mail, you’ve got to send mail.
  • If you want friends, you have to be a friend.
  • It’s okay if everyone doesn’t like you.
  • It’s okay to not like everyone.
  • If you aren’t feeling good about yourself, it might be that you are surrounded by assholes.
  • Good sleep is better than all the makeup in the world.
  • Humor can be found in almost every situation; find the funny part and quit dwelling on the negative.
  • They can treat me whatever way they choose; I can choose to accept that treatment or not.
  • Keep talking until you find someone who understands and believes you – they are out there.
  • Kids are wise old souls in new bodies – treat them accordingly.
  • There’s no point in talking the talk if you aren’t planning to take some action.
  • There’s nothing wrong with going to bed early.  (See above on sleep and makeup.)
  • Many things can be fixed with a hug and good music.
  • We cross paths for a reason – it’s okay if we don’t stay on the same path forever.
  •  

*Share your favorite advice in the comments below.  Let’s compile a fabulous list.


20
Sep 11

Settle Down

studying-women1

She came home from work with a story to share.  She was animated and expressive.  Her emotions were out in full force.  She was starring in her own one-act play about an event from her day.  She couldn’t wait to share it with him.

She’d always loved when he shared his stories.  She knew he would give her his full attention.

She never could talk without moving her hands, and as she got wound up with the telling of the details, she was gesturing and demonstrating and waving and pointing and gasping for breaths.

He looked up from the newspaper and said,”Whoa, girl, settle down!” Continue reading →


15
Sep 11

I Am Not A Goddess

“If you think this isn’t very hard, that’s because you have been steadily working on getting to this point this whole time.

If someone set us down in front of a block of stone and said, “Here, get going.  Create a magnificent relief of a Goddess, and don’t get up until you’re done,” that would be daunting.    But  if  that block of stone came with instructions to create a Goddess by chipping away a little each day, the project wouldn’t be quite as overwhelming.

The work we’ve done didn’t  happen overnight.  You didn’t just wake up and decide to get the clear picture, stand in the wind and dust on this plateau, stretch your arms and legs, fill your lungs with fresh air, and jump onto a new path.

This has been a long time in the making.  Every choice and path correction has led to this point. Continue reading →


12
Sep 11

On Full Moons, Rainbow Trout and Gratitude

The rainbow cleared the surface of the water to get a glimpse of the full moon. It was his job to report back to the others. “Yep, it’s full. They can’t catch us for at least another 24 hours!”

The ripples set off by the splash broke the seamless reflection of the sailboat. Without a breeze, the ripples smoothed quickly and returned the cove to a dark mirror spotted by boat lights and star haze.

Up until then, we’d been wondering if that sailboat had two masts. We couldn’t tell where the boat ended and the reflection began.

In our shorts, sweatshirts and Keens, we stood arm-in-arm, gazing at the moon hiding on the other side of the trees. Their leaves were still clinging to green. Even though it was September 11th, they weren’t ready to change into yellow, orange and brown.

Not yet.

When I asked what thoughts came to their minds when standing there bathed in moonlight, they both uttered something about being thankful.

Thankful for fish caught.

Thankful for new friends made.

Thankful for trees to climb with new and old friends.

Thankful for grandparents fun enough to camp with.

Thankful for the opportunity to enjoy a warm summer night when others had to go to bed early on a school night.

Thankful for the opportunity to appreciate our simple lives when others have lost so much.

Thankful for closeness and comfort and not so much stress.

Thankful for coffee in the morning, jeans to ward off the chill, warm chocolate milk and the opportunity to catch more fish.

__________

We pointed out the constellations that tried to stand out against the bright light of the moon. We knew some of the names and made up the others.

As we turned to walk back and tuck in for the night, we acknowledged the date. For a brief moment we felt awkward in our gratitude.

Was it enough to be thankful?

Should we do more?

And then we heard the splash. The rainbow cleared the surface again. We turned in time to see the ripples sending a code that said, “Come back tomorrow.  Catch me if you can.”


9
Sep 11

The Surrender

the-flow1A definition of surrender from merriam-webster.com:

to give (oneself) over to something (as an influence)


When she was little, surrender was something she did when she played Cowboys and Indians.  She usually tried to be on the side that didn’t require her to surrender.

When she was a teenager, surrender was something she feared would be expected once she agreed to kiss a boy, so she didn’t often let herself get in a situation where she’d be close enough to kiss. Continue reading →


6
Sep 11

It Takes a Good Leavin’ Alone

stonesWhen he sends the epically long email explaining that he hasn’t introduced the kids to his girlfriend because they don’t show that they care about his life, they never come over anyway, and he really didn’t think it was any of their business…

When they question your choices, make sarcastic comments about your lifestyle and complain about how stressed and over-worked they are…

When you’ve seen that they can make healthy choices without you having to hover, lecture, or demand…

When he’s never shown any interest in what you have to say, yet you think he will this time… Continue reading →


30
Aug 11

He Wears Ray Bans

myselfIt turns out that he wasn’t wearing a Kevlar Vest after all.

She thought that was it.  She thought that was the reason that she couldn’t get close to him.

She was mistaken.

__________

They met several more times on the playground, played some games that neither of them knew the rules for, and ate more strawberries. Continue reading →


26
Aug 11

Secret Makings of a Happy Ending

The pile of clean folded clothes was a prop.  The pile sat on the counter waiting for its cue.  The cue was the sound of the garage door opening.

__________

She wrote detailed plans for her new future.  She’d live in a house where she could take deep breaths – a house where she didn’t walk on eggshells.

She wouldn’t have to ask permission to faux-paint the bathroom walls.  She’d cook what she liked at whatever time of the day she pleased.

She’d sweep the floor when she felt it needed it. Continue reading →


22
Aug 11

“It’s Karma, Stupid.”

red-on-rocks“It’s about how many times you keep coming back, working on the same lessons with the same people.”

“How many more times do you want to play the doormat? ”

“How many more times are you going to cry yourself to sleep because you don’t feel loved? ”

“How many more times are you going to deny who you are because you fear others won’t accept you?”

“Do you think these lessons can be learned by yourself?”

“Don‘t you think the lessons are learned through the relating to others?”

“I just see you giving lip service to all this stuff – the universe, God, karma, love, truth, authenticity.  That’s great and lofty and swell and all, but when are you going to really act on this stuff you say you believe in?”

 

*From a conversation –  Seeing My Path.