Seeing My Path « Surviving Narcissism

Seeing My Path

Moving On / Seeing My Path — 5 Comments
15
Aug 11

Walls, Fences and Structures

… I remind myself that all the structures in my life have been created by me.

The structures are determined by my relationships and my role in those relationships. The structures dictate where I go.

I think of the structures as guard rails that keep me on the path I’m traveling.

. . .

The structure prevented me from moving closer to who I was supposed to be.

On this plateau, with the sun warming my face, I can see – far down below – a maze of high walls. The walls are the structure I thought I needed to guarantee love and acceptance. They funneled me in the direction of pleasing others, helping others, and putting myself last.

What if I made the decision to raze those walls and create a new structure?

What if I trusted that love would come to me if I allowed myself to follow a path that didn’t put everyone else first?

Could it be that each step in the direction of my true self might bring me more strength and more love?

Then I heard myself having a conversation with… well… myself.

*To read more about how my choices and structures led to my marrying a narcissist, how I lost myself, changed course and finally got headed in my right direction check out Seeing My Path – In and Out of a Relationship With a Narcissist.

It’s a good story with a happy ending… so far. ;)

Child of Narcissist / Moving On / Seeing My Path — 13 Comments
11
Aug 11

Seeing My Path

We ran out of Fritos.

Now we’re on to a 3-layered, sinfully dark chocolate cake. The layers are filled with chocolate flavored mascarpone cheese. I’ll cut you a thin slice because it’s so rich.

We’re celebrating the 2nd birthday of the blog and the release of my first e-book!

I know! I said I was going to write this book.

I did it!

This book is all new content!

There’s nothing quite like setting a goal, realizing a dream and having Will and Jenny by my side telling me how proud they are.

__________

I’m going to eat some more cake, pat myself on the back, and smother my kids a bit.

I’ll be back here to reply to some comments and write another post. Soon.

In the meantime, thank you all for encouraging me on the book. Thank you for visiting this site and hanging out with us. Thank you for your compassion and wise words.

I am blessed to have you touch my life.

Pass the cake!

Edit: 5/31/21

The sidebar includes links to free copies of my e-books. Please help yourself.

Moving On / Seeing My Path — 6 Comments
6
Aug 11

Delicious Beginnings and a Red Wagon

An excerpt from Seeing My Path…

“Remember when we were a kid and didn’t care? Do you remember back before we worried if our ears were too big, whether we talked too much, if our eyebrows were too caterpillar-like, or if our arms and legs were too long and skinny?

Can you remember a time before we started to think there was something wrong with us?

Let’s be that kid pulling a red wagon full of hopes, dreams and lessons to be learned.

Let’s be that kid before she’s hardened by disappointments, dashed hopes and unfulfilled dreams.

Let‘s be that kid before she lets the doubts change her opinion of herself – before she began to believe the criticisms or hurtful comments from others.

Let‘s be the kid who believed she could do anything and thought she was lovable and likeable and a joy to be around.

Can you imagine anyone not wanting to be around our kids? Try to feel that way about us. We, above all, know our intrinsic goodness. We know the depth of our character.

Let’s be the kid who is proud of the stories she writes and the cakes she bakes and the pictures she draws and the forts she builds.

Love us as much as we love the kids.

Forgive our screw ups.

Believe in our intentions.

Allow us to grow into who we are.”

*Notes from a conversation with myself, on a high plateau, somewhere in the middle of Montana.

Random Observations / Seeing My Path — 2 Comments
4
Aug 11

Dear Universe

Dear Universe,

Thank you for giving me the opportunity to write this book.

With grateful tears and a happy, excited heart…

Love,

Jesse

Moving On / Seeing My Path — 21 Comments
2
Aug 11

I’m Scared

Last night I was re-reading the book I’ve been working on. I’ve been excited to put this project together for you.

As I was reading, those crappy voices assaulted me – the ones that say, “Who the hell gives a shit about Jesse Blayne’s messed up choices? Who wants to spend two more minutes of their time reading about this woman? What difference does it make?”

So at 10:30 last night, I fired off an email to my aunt. She has read the book and offered some invaluable comments and suggestions. She is smart and wise and good. She’ll set me straight.

I asked her, “Is this book just a bunch of narcissistic B.S.? Is it going to help anyone?”

I went to bed prepared to rewrite the whole book.

__________

This morning I realized I’m doing it again – I’m worrying about what everyone else will think. My default position is to always head in the direction that others think is best.

The others might be my family, or the blogging experts, or the SEO gurus or the ebook generators or the bean counters or whoever else plants seeds of doubt in my already crowded, full-of-doubt brain.

So I did what I always do when I feel the need to take a flyswatter to all those doubts buzzing around in my head.

I started thinking about you.

I started thinking about what you are scared of.

I started thinking about the doubts buzzing around in your head.

You are the person I’ve been writing this book for.

Not the SEO gurus, the ebook generator people, or my mom or Kevlar Man or even my aunt, much as I love her.

__________

I’ve been scared before.

I’ll be scared again.

I’m not changing anything – except for some typos and the whole it’s/its thing – if I catch ’em all.

*Just as I was about to hit publish, I got a response from my aunt. The gist was this: “Don’t change a thing! Go Girl!”

Random Observations / Seeing My Path / Tools — 9 Comments
30
Jul 11

Letting Go of the Rope

She never could get up on water skis. Oh sure, she tried.

Her dad was actually quite patient with her. She can remember the summer he drug her around the lake. He was steering the boat, looking back at her expectantly, motioning with his hands to “just pop up on those skis!”

She swallowed a lot of water. She kept getting in the lake and trying.

She just couldn’t do it.

Maybe she didn’t really want to water ski. Everybody else said they loved water skiing. She should probably love water skiing, too. That’s what everybody did in the summer. Continue reading →

Child of Narcissist / Random Observations / Seeing My Path / Tools — 58 Comments
21
Jul 11

I Am The Protector

I wanted to find out what happened to Lisbeth Salander – really, I did. I made it to page 532, out of 600 pages. I almost got there. In the middle of the book, where she’s attacked by the bad guy, I almost quit reading. I told myself, “Oh come on, you wimp, certainly there will be justice in the end. Keep reading.” But at about page 489, I’d walk by my nightstand and I’d swear the book was growling and baring its teeth at me. I felt the need to cross my arms in front of my chest to protect myself.

I returned the book – unfinished – to my girlfriend. She’d also loaned me the second in the series. “I’m sorry,” I muttered, “I can’t do it. It hurts to read it.” She knows me. She just smiled. I looked at her coffee table and saw another book that looked intriguing, and started to say, “How’s that one?” She politely stopped me and said, “You won’t like that one, either.”

*sigh*

I wanted to watch Javier Bardem in “Biutiful“. Last night I tucked the kids in and sat down for a rare treat – a grown-up movie. I made it through 50 minutes before my stomach started to tighten and I noticed my fists were clenched. It was raw and edgy and artsy and he was biutiful. I had to stop watching to protect myself from the anxiety I feel whenever I’m exposed to turmoil.

*sigh* Continue reading →

Child of Narcissist / Moving On / Random Observations / Seeing My Path — 18 Comments
13
Jul 11

Waiting

When her babies were small, she had an urge to knit tiny striped mittens with pink and green and purple fuzzy yarns. Now her kids wouldn’t be caught dead wearing handmade mittens. Friends were having babies who needed their precious hands protected from the harsh winter winds. She could make mittens for those babies.

She was waiting for her mom to teach her to knit.

He often found himself at a friend’s house on Saturday afternoons, and after swilling a couple beers, someone would suggest playing a pickup game of basketball. He’d laugh and say, “I’ll sit this one out. I’m lousy at basketball.”

He was waiting for his dad to teach him how to play basketball.

He’d read all he could find on SEO, blog traffic, building customer loyalty and what the experts had to say about making money on the internet. He’d finished his most recent course, made some progress and signed up for the next impressive looking webinar that would surely push his project over the edge. He lacked the confidence to believe that he had the skills and knowledge that would make his project a success. Continue reading →

Moving On / Random Observations / Seeing My Path — 14 Comments
11
Jul 11

It’s Good To Have Friends

good-friend On my third hike up the hill I was breathing hard, wiping the back of my neck and wondering why I wasn’t sitting on the front step with a cup of coffee.

Then she darted out from the tall yellow wildflowers. Startled, I said, “What are you doing here? Are you walking the hill with me?” She meowed and took the lead – for a bit.

She didn’t block my route, and I didn’t block hers. When the path was wide enough, we walked side-by-side.

We I chatted and talked of the flowers and the wide river and the scent of sage in the air. I told her it was nice to see her and that her presence made my walking more enjoyable and less of a chore.

Then she let me take the lead. We walked over the short flowers and around the tall ones, and when we got to the top she stopped and meowed. Continue reading →

Moving On / Seeing My Path — 64 Comments
26
Jun 11

The Last Straw – An Excerpt from Seeing My Path

… I reflect on the events that happened right before I decided to leave my marriage. Obviously, as in any marriage that is on the verge of crumbling, there were many issues. Everyone has their own last straw. Mine will not be yours. Your last straw will look completely different from another person’s last straw.

In fact, I’m convinced that we don’t know when that last straw is approaching. We get so busy putting up and shutting up, that we don’t see that the scale has been tipped.

The scale was off balance long ago and we are so busy keeping the peace, scrubbing the floors, making the apologies and hiding the toys, that we don’t notice that nothing more can be added to the scale.

That’s why the last straw is often infinitesimally small. The last straw could be a sideways glance, a pair of dirty socks left on the bedroom floor, or an off-handed comment about the way the chicken was prepared for last night’s dinner.

I didn’t see my last straw coming.

To this day, I marvel at the smallness of the infraction.

But, take many small infractions over years of disappointment and resentment and failed expectations and bars raised too high, and suddenly I met my last straw.

We were sitting at the dinner table with Will and Jenny and my husband’s older kids from his previous marriage. Over messy burgers, fruit salad, Domestic Beers and spilled Kool-Aid we had the disjointed kind of conversation that families have – the kind where you laugh and try to interject something and miss the beat and it just doesn’t matter because after dinner you’ll go outside and eat popsicles and play Bocce Ball.

Somewhere during that conversation, the patriarch – the man of the house, the provider, the role model, the man whose job it is to make us feel loved and welcomed and safe – got up from the table, mid-bite, and walked upstairs.

(He later told me he was tired of the conversation. He was sick of the boring exchange. We simply no longer interested him.)

His oldest son glanced at me with a look that said, “What did I say that he didn’t like?” Later, when we cleaned the kitchen together, the oldest told me his father often did that – left the dinner table – when he and his brother lived with Mark. I thought he only did that with his new family.

I came up with a feeble excuse about how dad is tired from work, or dad isn’t feeling well.

But that night, his getting up and leaving his family sitting at the table, still eating their dinners, was my last straw.

After years of seeing the lack of spirit, the inability to make a decision, and the fear of disappointing their father – in these two older children – I realized that by staying in this marriage, I would be letting history repeat itself.

I couldn’t save his oldest kids.

I could try to save mine.

Seeing My Path is an ebook that tells the ongoing conversation I’ve been having with myself, and the questions I ask. It’s a look at how I ended up marrying a narcissist, how I got out of the marriage, and what I’m doing to try to get back on my own path.

Child of Narcissist / Moving On / Seeing My Path / Tools — 11 Comments
23
Jun 11

On Reframing

When he told her he liked her hair longer and that her face looked too full with a shorter cut, she got up the courage to tell him that his comment had hurt her feelings.

He reframed the incident by gently reminding her that she was far to0 sensitive and that he was just trying to help.

When he got home from work and commented that she must have had one crazy day since she hadn’t found time to clean the floors, she tried to defend herself. She explained that she’d been folding clothes, changing diapers, feeding children and preparing dinner and that she hadn’t found the time to get to the floors.

He reframed the conversation and pointed out that dinner would be more enjoyable if the floors were clean. Continue reading →

Random Observations / Seeing My Path / Tools — 4 Comments
11
Jun 11

Nothing Says Love Like a Bowl of Rice Krispies

rice-creepies Love isn’t grand gestures, flowery platitudes, or mountains of toys. Love doesn’t require self-sacrifice on the part of the giver. Love doesn’t demand service from the recipient.

Love is an accumulation of many little acts.

A warm lap to land on at the end of a crazy day.
A look in the eyes that tells them, “I know you. I understand why you feel this way. I will listen.”
A warm “chocolate milky” every morning, and the ability to ask for a little more chocolate without making mom mad.
Watching the 9,000th kick flip and yelling encouragement.
A safe big bed when the shadows on the wall look like ghosts.
Knowing that she likes less peanut butter and more jam.
Knowing that he dips absolutely everything in barbecue sauce.
A readiness to answer questions, no matter the time or the lack of answers.
Catching his eye at the skate park and mouthing the words, “Olive Juice.”
Knowing that each of them has different signs that indicate that they are hungry or stressed or tired or over-the-moon happy.
Allowing them to be who they are without judgments or expectations.
A note on her pillow saying she’s the most talented girl I know.
Pouring a bowl of cereal every morning, and tucking them in every night.

Moving On / Random Observations / Seeing My Path — 12 Comments
7
Jun 11

What To Do With A Crate of Lemons

Sunday evening someone left a big wooden crate of lemons on my front step. There were lemons spilling out of the crate and rolling down the steps into my front yard.

Lemons were everywhere.

Oh, what to do with all those lemons.

While I could have decided not to bring the lemons inside, that thought never occurred to me. I picked up the lemons that had rolled down the stairs and brought them into the house. I went back out to get the crate. I placed them all on the kitchen table.

Jenny’s best friend was spending the night, so Jenny was happily oblivious, and didn’t even notice the lemons. Will helped me pick up lemons, all the while asking questions. Continue reading →

Moving On / Random Observations / Seeing My Path — 19 Comments
4
Jun 11

The Commencement Address I Wish I’d Heard

Congratulations! You did it!

Pat yourself on the back. While that might be the only pat you get, it’s the only one that matters.

You’ve proven that you can sit still, be quiet, stand in line and follow rules. Those skills will come in handy.

Now it’s time to create your future.

You don’t have to know what that is today. In fact, you don’t have to have a plan. You don’t have to pursue a title or a label or lots of dollars. You do, however, owe it to yourself to find something you love doing.

How do you know what that is, you ask? Continue reading →

Child of Narcissist / Moving On / Random Observations / Seeing My Path / Tools — 9 Comments
19
May 11

You Tell Me

So…

I received what I thought was a spam comment, only I wasn’t sure. It/he/she said, “I can’t view your site from my phone. Help!” So I got to looking and checking on plugins and upgrades and CSS stuff. I even considered pursuing a degree in Computer Software or How to Pretend Like You Know What You Are Doing With Computers, and then I thought I’d ask you.

Would you like to be able to view this site on your phone?

What would you like to see here?

Is there a subject you’d like to see discussed?

Are there topics or discussions that you’d like to see more of?

I am loving my random approach to topics, but I always go back to thinking of the survivors out there and the ones who read here. I want to continue to share the tools that have helped the three of us.

If there’s something that you’d like to see here, that you think would help your corner of the world, please list that in the comment section below.

Thank you, spammer or nice person or whatever you are for asking about how to view this blog on your phone.

One day I might be savvy enough, or even care to want to view a blog on my phone. Don’t hold your breath. I’d have to wrestle my phone away from Will, first.

In the meantime, thank you for reading, commenting, and recommending this blog to your friends. This site only gets richer if more take part in the sharing.