Seeing My Path « Surviving Narcissism

Seeing My Path

Child of Narcissist / Lack of Empathy / Moving On / Seeing My Path / You Might Be a Narcissist If ... — 14 Comments
26
May 10

Free To Be Beautiful

I can’t remember if I ever thought I was pretty. I have a vague recollection that I felt beautiful, for the first time, when I held my newborn babies. I was swollen, blotchy, sweaty and exhausted, but I felt beautiful.

I have spent a lot of years denying my femininity. Along the way, I received messages that I heard as criticisms of femininity in general, not just my own femininity.

In college, I hated my body and hid behind baggy Levis and un-tucked, too large flannel shirts. The older I got, the more I looked at makeup, painted nails and dyed hair as superficial wastes of time.

I made excuses for being sensitive and emotional – feelings typically attributed to femininity. I tried to hide those feelings.

If people were going to like me, they were going to like the plain, unmade-up me – the unemotional me. Continue reading →

Child of Narcissist / Control / Lack of Empathy / Moving On / Seeing My Path / Tools — 10 Comments
13
Feb 10

Narcissism Pisses Me Off

dropping-keys Today we skied like we could be Olympic contenders – in our dreams. We laughed, inhaled fresh mountain air, and got that really good tired. Then we came home and made fajitas, sat by the fire and watched amazing athletes compete on T.V.

It was a stellar day.

Why am I so agitated?

In the last few days, I’ve gotten emails from a woman who is agonizing over the chaos in her daughter’s life. Her daughter divorced a narcissistic man five years ago, and this man is still making her daughter’s life a living hell.

I’ve gotten an email from another woman who found the courage to leave her narcissistic husband, but she doubts her decision on a daily basis, because this man continually tells her that she’s making a monumental mistake. Continue reading →

Moving On / Random Observations / Seeing My Path / Tools — 8 Comments
23
Nov 09

Leaf Therapy

yellow I ended up raking leaves today. The wind had done a good job, but there were still quite a few leaves in the back yard – probably has something to do with the fencing.

The sky was gray, and the air had that feeling like the clouds were getting ready to unload their piles of snow. It lent a certain urgency to the raking. I kept telling myself that a cup of coffee would taste that much better if I got one more chore crossed off the list.

__________

I remember after 9/11, I was cleaning my kitchen and thinking, “God, I’m so lucky, I get to clean my kitchen.” It seemed that I shouldn’t allow myself to complain about chores when so many would never be able to complain again. I felt like that while raking leaves today.

I’m lucky that I can rake. Continue reading →

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28
Oct 09

Filling The Hole

I can’t sleep — again. Jenny woke at 2:30 a.m. and came in my bed.

In the old days when I couldn’t get back to sleep, I’d lay there thinking about what I was doing wrong, what I needed to change, or how I could do better. Now when I can’t sleep, I think about how far I’ve come, how I really am doing well, and how I can’t wait to write on this blog.

If you have never tried journaling, you need to. I’ve written in diaries or journals – and now this blog – my whole life. A journal provides a guarantee that you will always be listened to and heard.

Anyway, now it’s 4:00 a.m., so I might as well get up, fix some decaf tea, grab some graham crackers and start writing. It’s funny how as my fingers fly across the keyboard, my head seems to empty of all the thoughts keeping me awake, and my body loses its tenseness.

Tonight I was thinking about my theory – it’s not an original theory. It’s an amalgamation of a bunch of different theories that I’ve read about in all the self-help books that I’ve devoured over the years.

I believe we all have a hole in our soul. Some call the hole a void or an injury. I don’t like “injury”. It’s too dramatic. “Injury” leads to the word “victim”. I don’t like walking around thinking that I’m a victim. It sounds helpless and hopeless. Continue reading →

Child of Narcissist / Lack of Empathy / Moving On / Seeing My Path / The World Revolves Around Me / You Might Be a Narcissist If ... — 6 Comments
21
Sep 09

Forgiveness

I have one of those screensavers on my laptop that displays all the photos in My Pictures. I still have all the photos from when we lived with Mark. Others have commented that it’s a little odd that I haven’t removed them. That screensaver provides a lot of entertainment for Will and Jenny. It’s like having a whole bunch of photo albums at their fingertips. Their dad is still a huge part of their lives and they get a great deal of enjoyment out of the photos.

If it pains me to see pictures of Mark, then I haven’t moved on.

The other day I walked by the laptop and saw a nice photo of Mark with one of the kids. I thought how sad it is that he misses out on the day-to-day stuff with Will and Jen. As an accommodator, it is easy to lose sleep over stuff like that. That’s why it took me so long to leave.

I felt sorry for Mark over many issues. I felt sorry for him because of his upbringing. I felt sorry for him because of the distance between himself and the rest of his family. Was I going to feel sorry for him for the rest of my life? Naturally, there was a point when I was too mad to feel sorry. But mostly, it is sad that NPD prevents him from really knowing his kids. NPD prevents him from having any healthy relationships.

There is so much written about forgiveness. We’ve heard it all about how the only one who is hurt when you hold a grudge is yourself. Continue reading →

Child of Narcissist / Control / Moving On / Seeing My Path — Comments Off
4
Sep 09

Individual Moments of Peace

This evening I sat for a spell on my front porch. We are enjoying the last few days of our summer, and today was particularly gorgeous. I see an image of me hanging from the letter r in the word summer, by my fingernails. I can’t let go of summer quite yet, there’s still a bit of juice left.

I was perched on the porch, feeling like I was suspended above myself.

Not a religious or zen thing, but a brief moment of stillness.

Those still moments can feel familiar, and foreign, all at the same time.

The temperature was perfect. Continue reading →

Lack of Empathy / Moving On / Random Observations / Seeing My Path / You Might Be a Narcissist If ... — 3 Comments
23
Aug 09

The Narcissist As Protector

Last night I was reading in bed. Reading in bed was frowned upon when I was married. Bedtime was meant for one thing and one thing only – service. We didn’t have a T.V. in our bedroom for the same reason.

Now, in my happy little sanctuary, I often read and watch T.V. in bed at the same time – a sweet, simple pleasure. I was reading a wonderful novel by Elizabeth Berg.

Recently, my 90 year old grandmother was visiting. We were sitting around the table talking about books. She asked what I’d been reading. When I told her mostly self-help books, she rolled her eyes and said, “You ought to read something by Elizabeth Berg.” Guess there’s not much point in self-help books when you’re 90.

Elizabeth Berg is the kind of author that makes you feel like you are sitting down for coffee and stories with an old friend.

Back to last night – I was engrossed in the reading and I saw something scurry across my bedroom carpet and head under my bed. It was a ridiculously large spider – so big, in fact, that it had to duck it’s head to get under the bed. I threw my book at it. That didn’t work. I grabbed the broom to try and get at it. Nothing. Continue reading →