You Might Be a Narcissist If …


11
Mar 11

“Honey, Your Dad Lacks Empathy”

“Oh, sweetie!  You should have seen the darling little eight year old girl who wanted to dance with me at the meeting.  She had long curly blond hair, and a big beautiful smile.  I know her parents.  She came up to me, jumped in my lap and asked me to dance with her.  She was a really good dancer, too.”  Mark could hardly contain himself when telling Jenny of the story of the little girl who fell in love with him.

He quickly switched gears and said, “Jenny, honey, we’re getting ready to go.  Shouldn’t you find socks that match?  Let’s go look in your dresser drawer to see if we can find two socks that match.”

“Daddy, you told me to hurry, so I just grabbed the first two socks I saw.  I’m wearing boots, Daddy.  No one will see that my socks don’t match.”

“Isn’t that funny that you wear mismatched socks.  Did you brush your hair today?”

“Yes, Daddy, I just brushed it.” Continue reading →


9
Mar 11

The Fire Tender

The leather gloves next to the stove, and the fire within, are the only indications of steady use.  The wood stove is free of ashes, spent embers, bits of bark and any other signs of use, yet the fire roars continuously.  The glass door is spotless as if he replaced it yesterday after he’d slammed the door too hard in a fit of anger and frustration.

It’s a difficult job keeping the fire stoked in an effort to heat the whole house and make sure his family sleeps warm in their beds.  The house does not have a furnace.

As he sits in the broken rocking chair – the Throne of The Fire Tender – he contemplates the turns his life has taken.  He ticks off the series of choices  that led to his current position.  Every winter night that he spends tending the fire, he has an opportunity to re-evaluate the decisions he made.

He validates some choices while picking apart others.

The list never changes. Continue reading →


6
Feb 11

Narcissism and Kindness

Nobody can  be  kinder  than  the  narcissist  while  you react to life in his own terms.
Elizabeth Bowen


4
Feb 11

Narcissism Knows No Bounds

Jenny selected the shiny brown bowl circled by a ring of cobalt blue.  She hoped I would love it, and I did.   She was excited to give the bowl to me as a gift.  The ceramic bowl is the perfect size for almonds or pretzels.

Her older brother makes some unusual pieces, and when he has a bunch of new bowls fired, we get to pick whatever he hasn’t set aside for others.

__________

Two days ago, Mark and Will came home from skiing.  They told us of the adventures of the day, the trees they narrowly missed, the jumps they landed perfectly, and the ones they didn’t land so well.  They made plans for the next skiing adventure and Mark headed for the door.

With his hand on the doorknob, Mark turned to me and said, “Hey Jess, you know that bowl that Jenny gave you – the brown with the blue stripe?  Can I have it?  I have a set of three and it matches my set.  I know Jenny gave it to you as a gift, but I wondered if you’d mind trading that for a different piece so I could have a matching set of four bowls.” Continue reading →


28
Jan 11

In Other News

Monday, I received an email from Mark. In the email he told me that Jen and Will are truly amazing children, and he thanked me for doing such a great job raising them.

 

I know.

 

Hard to believe, isn’t it? Continue reading →


19
Jan 11

The Proof is in the Fritos

Late Monday afternoon I had the opportunity to enjoy a guilty pleasure.  My kids were gone.  I got a break from being a role model.  I sat at the table in front of my laptop reading blog posts, while dipping Fritos in chili.

It was a little slice of heaven.

Yes, that is a big deal for me.

__________

I can’t eat when I’m nervous. Continue reading →


6
Jan 11

Solving a Mystery

This morning I was getting ready to put the finishing touches on a  post about boundaries.  I’d been convinced that things were going well with Mark because we had put some boundaries in place that protected us from hurts, while allowing for a modicum of a relationship with Mark.

He has been quite pleasant.

In the back of my mind, I’d been wondering if it’s really about boundaries.

Everything I’ve read about narcissists would indicate that a narcissist doesn’t respect boundaries.  A narcissist goes through life looking for a source.  Boundaries be damned.  A narcissist doesn’t respect the needs of others, therefore, it would stand to reason that a narcissist would completely ignore any boundaries that a source might set.

I wanted to be able to explain this turn of events. Continue reading →


9
Dec 10

Some Days Are Like That

old-blue-enamel-pot1I make a damn good cup of coffee.  I make oatmeal with the perfect ratio of oats – walnuts – cinnamon – nutmeg.  Nobody cleans a cat box like I do.  You’d be amazed at how quickly I can fold a laundry basket full of clean clothes.  I even find all the socks, almost every time.

And some days, that’s the best I can come up with when trying to cheer myself up and get out of the funk.

When staring at the too-bright laptop screen at 5:15 a.m., my eyes are blurry – not from being tired, but from fussing over the pages of the book I’m trying to finish.

I bounce over to Twitter to get some inspiration and find a few laughs or a couple good posts to read.  The distraction takes my mind off the fact that I doubt myself.

I doubt my abilities as a mom. Continue reading →


1
Dec 10

Seriously?

A couple days before Thanksgiving, I called Mark to explain that the kids weren’t ready for a visit at his house.   The first thing out of his mouth was, “What’s that about?”

I sighed and said, “The phone calls are going well.  They just aren’t up for hanging at your place yet.  When they went to dinner at the restaurant with you last week, they felt completely left out of the conversation.”

He laughed and said, “That’s ridiculous.  The whole conversation was directed at them.  It’s all about Jen and Will right now.”

I said I was sorry, but that they asked me to deliver the message that they wouldn’t be going to his house.

Then, out of habit, I said, “Happy Thanksgiving.”  I didn’t say it to be snarky, sarcastic or snide.  It’s a custom in our culture.  That’s what people say this time of year.

 

He answered with, “Thank you.”

 


28
Nov 10

Rescuing Her Heart

the-wooden-boxShe pinned the boutonniere to her grandfather’s lapel and walked him out to the backyard.  His seat was in the front row of chairs under the canopy.  It wasn’t the kind of wedding where the guests or groom weren’t allowed to see the bride before the ceremony.  In fact, the bride had been scurrying around taking care of last minute details while dressed in the batiste gown she’d made and embroidered.

This had to be a cost-effective wedding, or there would be no wedding at all.

The groom hadn’t actually proposed to the bride.  Years later, when learning about narcissism, she would read that narcissists rarely propose.  It was beneath them.

__________

They had lived together for about a year, bought a home and settled into a comfortable lifestyle.  Getting married was a default move.  It made sense.  It was expected.  She assumed they’d marry one day.  He didn’t spend a lot of time thinking about getting married.  When she pressed, he usually said something like, “Well… I’m fine with it all as long as it isn’t a big production, doesn’t cost me a lot, or interrupt my work schedule. Continue reading →


21
Nov 10

Gaslighting

As I was sitting down to write a new post, I discovered this article by Lisa E. Scott on her site,  vainencounters.com:

The “Crazy-Making” Behavior of a Narcissist.

I identified with everything in Lisa’s article.  She also mentions the term, gaslight.  I had to Google some more.  I had heard the term, but never paid attention.  I didn’t know it applied to me.

I found this article by Robin Stern, Ph.D.:

What is Gaslighting?

__________

 

I had today’s post composed in my head before I had discovered the gaslighting stuff.  I even had the appropriate pictures selected.  I was ready to hit publish.  The post was about how I’m tempted to believe that Mark is changing.  I was going to write that I’ve been thinking I really managed to get through to him.  I was even wondering if Narcissists are capable of seeing who and what they are, and that their behaviors have a detrimental effect on their families.

 

You’d think I’d know better by now.

 

Last night he came over to discuss Christmas gift ideas with the kids.

He left and Jenny broke into tears.

I was present for all the conversations.  I heard the veiled put downs, and the not-so-subtle dismissals of the dolls Jenny wants, and the ski pants Will wants.  I heard his jovial-sounding sarcastic jabs.  In his sing-song voice he said, “Well Honey Bear, I thought you wanted a baby doll carriage.  You mean you still like Barbies, too?  You still like babies and Barbies?”

“So Will, do you think these ski pants would be cool enough for you?”

These are pokes and prods.  These are smarmy little attempts at sounding like an interested dad, but really they show how little he knows them, and how little he cares.

 

This morning’s discovery of gaslighting was another whisper from the Universe.  This time she said, “Hon, don’t be fooled.  Don’t believe, for one second, that a Narcissist is capable of changing. It will never be about the kids. It will always be about him.  Check out this post on gaslighting.  It applies to you, Sweetie, and your kids, too.”

 

At least she’s still whispering. I half expect her to come at me next time with a 2 x 4.

 


14
Nov 10

Can It Be?

fingers-crossedThey hadn’t seen him in three weeks.  On Friday night, they spent over five hours with him.  When they walked in the door, at the end of the night, I did a quick scan to check for rapid blinking, slumped shoulders, nervous pacing or shell-shocked expressions.

Nothing.

Will and Jen spoke animatedly about the event they attended.  They talked of what they’d had for dinner and the stories shared.  They spoke of the folks they saw.

They didn’t mention the  baby voice, or the martyr tone.  There was nothing about being overly embarrassed – other than the typical ways that all parents embarrass their kids.  Nothing about hurt feelings, or insults, or critiques about hair, dress or table manners.

__________ Continue reading →


5
Nov 10

Canoeing Over Class 5 Rapids

autumn-river1I never got the hang of water skiing.  I tried.  I only ever managed to cling to the rope while I was drug around the lake, ending up with extra long arms to prove how hard I tried.

I’ve kayaked once, canoed a few times, and rafted more times than I care to mention.

I’m more the lazy canoe or solo kayak type.

Perhaps I am a control freak, or maybe it’s just that I don’t like being spilled over the edge of some rubber flotation device, forced to drink a gallon of river plankton, while scraping the flesh off my shins, all by noon.

I thought of my relationship to water when I took my kids down by the river yesterday to do a little fresh air home schooling. Continue reading →


20
Oct 10

The Thing Is…

The thing is… he didn’t physically abuse me.  He didn’t drink or gamble or spend every weekend golfing or hunting or fishing. He didn’t cheat on me.  At least I never had concrete proof that he cheated on me, unless I count his on-going affair with himself.

The thing is… he didn’t particularly like me.  But then the world is populated with lots of married couples who don’t like each other.

The thing is… he didn’t embrace the whole having a baby thing.  But lots of guys aren’t interested in going to doctor visits, listening to heart beats or shopping for onsies.  I suppose, too, that lots of guys don’t want their wives to breast feed.  Lots of guys don’t enjoy giving their babies a bath or reading to them every night.

The thing is… he didn’t listen to me when I  told him I was frightened that our marriage was failing.  But then I assumed that all guys hate the idea of  going to counseling.  When I cried and told him that I was lonely living in his house, and that I was afraid that he wasn’t connecting with me or the kids, he said I had problems.

He told me I was depressed, and that I needed to see someone. Continue reading →


8
Oct 10

What Was I Thinking?

After six months of almost daily, intense togetherness, he told me he didn’t like seeing me in skirts and boots.

I thought it was sweet that he felt comfortable enough with me, to feel that it was okay to tell me that he’d like me to change my wardrobe.

After we’d been together eight months, he started saying derogatory things about my family and friends.  I’d start to gently defend my peeps, and he’d try to convince me that his view was accurate.

I thought he wanted the best for me.  I thought that since he was so amazing, maybe his view of my family and friends was accurate.

He didn’t like to go out to restaurants, go to movies, or spend money on entertainment.  He would question my purchase of a book, CD, or magazine. Continue reading →