It is a puzzling thing.
The truth knocks on the door and you say,
“Go away, I’m looking for the truth,”
and so it goes away.
Puzzling. -Robert M. Pirsig
30
Nov 12
On Dodging the Truth
It is a puzzling thing.
The truth knocks on the door and you say,
“Go away, I’m looking for the truth,”
and so it goes away.
Puzzling. -Robert M. Pirsig
27
Nov 12
When Kindred Spirits Have Coffee
“I can’t believe we haven’t really talked since before we were both married.”
“… and divorced.”
“Yeah. That, too. So how are you doing with it all… the being divorced?”
“Well, I’m sleeping. I’m eating. My stomach doesn’t hurt all the time. I’m not afraid to get out of bed in the morning. How are you feeling?”
“Same for me. I’m not waking in the middle of the night with panic attacks. For the first time since… oh…. probably when I was newly married, I look forward to things.” Continue reading →
20
Nov 12
A Thanksgiving Prayer
Thank you for blessing me with Will and Jenny. Their presence is proof that I deserve good in my life.
Thank you for presenting me with the lessons I need. Thanks, also, for your patience while I re-learn a lot of those lessons.
Thank you for knowing how much I can handle, and for not dumping it on me all at once.
Thank you for leaves to rake, fresh air to breathe, snowflakes to anticipate and the change in the seasons.
Thank you for each new quiet morning, the fullness of the day, and the tranquility of night.
Thank you for not taking me too seriously, and for not laughing at me when I do.
Thank you for friends – those who’ve come and gone and left their mark, and those who’ve stayed for the long haul.
Thank you for family and their impact on our lives.
Thank you for giving second, third and fourth chances so that I may continue to try and get it right.
16
Nov 12
When Your Best Friend is a Narcissist
Guest Post by Anonymous
At the age of 12, she didn’t know why she cared so much about her friend, the one who was a notorious mean girl. The one who played the games that mean girls do… She didn’t understand why that friend mattered so much to her, even more than those she had known forever, even more than the ones who had proven themselves to be kind, caring girls….
She didn’t understand until nearly a quarter of a century later why that person seemed “right” – seemed familiar…. In the two years before she ended the friendship with her narcissistic friend, she often questioned herself, “Why do I even care so much about someone I don’t respect, someone that has hurt me so many times?”
She didn’t put two and two together, that the friend who called her names and ignored her, was a lot like her dad, who shamed her and ignored her. Continue reading →
14
Nov 12
Recipe For Creative Children
Take:
- One pair of Shrinky Dink twin tip skis
- One enthusiastically supportive uncle
- One girl’s unstoppable imagination
- Two peanuts, still in their shell
- Fuzzy yarn, aluminum foil, a Sharpie, cocktail toothpicks in fun colors, and a hot glue gun
- One mom who has the good sense to stay out of the way.
Mix together without criticism, judgment, hovering or micro-managing on the part of adults.
Judiciously add laughter, warm-hearted teasing, big smiles and ice cubes for fingers that get in a tangle with the glue gun.
Include dollops of encouragement and one chunk of unscheduled time.
Result: A kid who finds positive energy and self-confidence when expressing herself through her own creativity. (She’ll make happy memories with her uncle, too.)
09
Nov 12
What is Said and What is Heard
He said: Your face looks full with that haircut.
She heard: Your face looks fat; I hate your haircut.
She said: That looks pretty good, but you should have done it this way.
He heard: That looks pretty good, BUT …
They said: Are you sure it’s a good idea to homeschool the kids?
She heard: You’re going to ruin them for life.
He said: I can’t live like this anymore.
She heard: Do things my way or I’m out of here.
He said: I don’t care what we do, you decide.
She heard: I don’t enjoy spending time with you enough to make the effort to decide.
She said: I don’t care what we do, you decide.
He heard: It’s okay if you spend the evening with friends; I won’t be mad if you don’t come home.
He said: That’s okay, bud, I’ll have the shop wax my skis.
He heard: You aren’t capable of waxing my skis.
He said: Maybe you shouldn’t be so sensitive.
She heard: If you didn’t get your feelings hurt so easily, I wouldn’t have to be careful about what I say.
They said: You should write blog posts that are this long, on this many days with these kinds of headings.
She heard: You are doing it all wrong.
He said: I like it better when you do it this way.
She heard: I don’t like you the way you are.
She said: I heard you, but we are doing it my way.
He heard: Don’t bother telling me what you want because I’m not listening anyway.
She said: Pack your bags, we’re going to stay at grandma’s.
They heard: We are going to live with people who let us be who we are.
They said: Love you.
She heard: Love you.
05
Nov 12
On Ignoring Each Other
people ignoring each other can make. – Eoin Colfer
01
Nov 12
Stopping the Noise
Stop for a minute and look around you.
Let your eyes fall on something you would normally ignore.
Focus on the negative space that surrounds a Starbucks go cup. Notice the way the arm of a chair curves to meet the seat. Appreciate the pressed corners of the collar on a charcoal grey wool coat.
See the color of the cement when it’s wet. Try to think of the name of the color of a curled leaf. Is it amber? Is it burnt umber?
29
Oct 12
Bringing Out the Best in Each Other
The turning leaves are enhanced by the dusting of white on the river bank. The leaves aren’t frosted in white, and the white bank isn’t covered with amber leaves.
The leaves and the snow bring out the beauty in each other.
__________
She offers to fill my calendar along with her own, and laughs when I say, “We’ll take a rain check on that one.” Continue reading →
24
Oct 12
They Have Narcissism Radar
“Hercules was a big strong guy with long wavy hair. Personally, I think he was a narcissist.” (The answer to one of her worksheet questions on Greek and Roman Mythology.)
“Mom, I’m positive Marie Antoinette was a narcissist – look at this picture. She ordered a special palace to be built, just for her.”
“Who did Napoleon think he was, anyway?”
While watching the Grammys: “Mom, do you notice that it’s not about the music, it’s all about what they look like? Do you have to be a narcissist to make it in music?”
They See Narcissism Everywhere
“Mom, do you figure only narcissists drive Escalades. That name just sounds narcissistic.”
“Male lions have to be narcissists, why else do they sit around preening and expecting everyone to adore them?”
“Mom, don’t you think irises are narcissists? Just look at ’em. They stand up taller than the other flowers and then they die fast if they are neglected.”
“Mom, I love peacocks, but they act like narcissists.”
“Mom, you know all the Disney Princesses are narcissists, right? Cinderella is the worst. She’s always standing in front of the other princesses fanning out her dress to hide the dresses of the other princesses.” (You can’t make this stuff up.)
“Mom, do you think Tiger Woods is a narcissist? Why else would he act that way on the course and treat his wife the way he did?”
Even cakes can be narcissists. “Does that cake really need that much frosting and decorating? It’s screaming for attention. It has to be a narcissistic cake.”
“Mom, you can tell from the outside of a building, if a store caters to narcissists.”
When it comes to the necessary tools for surviving narcissism, their narcissism radar may be the most effective.
18
Oct 12
The Tyranny of Narcissism
Guest Post by Zaira
Tyranny is unjust, harsh, oppressive, and abusive, but most importantly, it lacks legitimacy. This describes my marriage and continues to be my experience with the Narcissist. If you have been involved with a narcissist, I am sure you can relate to counting the days until you are completely free to cut all communications.
I am hoping to survive the next 8 years and 4 months without going completely broke or found guilty in contempt of court. He has promised both of these gifts to me.
There was a time, shortly after I left him, that he tried to convince me that we could work it out. Every poem, flower delivery, and byline of “I love you” made my stomach cringe. I recognized that person from a distant memory – the one who wooed and impressed me so long ago. The harder he tried, the worse the nausea got. There was something punching me from the inside screaming to be strong and end it. It knew he was lying then. I knew he was lying then… playing a part to save face. Now I am reminded often that I was right.
Here is a snippet of what I receive now in my Inbox:
“An interesting email, however you sound like a bad campaign speech. You have not answered a single question and spout unfounded accusations.” Continue reading →
16
Oct 12
Mission Impossible: Relationship With a Narcissist
You could make a conscious choice to give up on pursuing your dreams, your goals and your passions.
You could end relationships with best friends from college, family members and the women in your book club.
You could always eat at her favorite restaurant, wear your hair the way he likes, decorate your house to please her, cook only his favorite meals, and forget that you ever had preferences of your own.
You could have conversations where you do all the listening and never get to speak of what is on your mind or in your heart.
13
Oct 12
What Would You Say?
She said, “Mom, how much longer do I have to do these dad visits?”
What would you say?
11
Oct 12
When Narcissists Carve Pumpkins
It’s highly unlikely that you’d get your favorite narcissist to spend an afternoon carving pumpkins with you. They have much more important things to do.
But… if you find yourself on a day when the stars have aligned, the weather isn’t nice enough to do anything else, and you’ve sourced/doted on/adored your narcissist enough, he may acquiesce.
If he agrees, be prepared to hear some of the following:
“Hey, let’s keep the mess on the table. Try to keep all the goo on the paper so it doesn’t get all over the house.”
“We don’t need those pattern thingys. Can’t you borrow some pumpkin carving tools from your mom? I don’t want to have to spend any more than I have to on this project. Besides, I can draw better than the folks that make those patterns.”
“Did you really just get pumpkin slime on your t-shirt?”
“Don’t draw the eyes so close together, that’s not what pumpkins look like.”
“We’ll keep these pumpkins at my house. You guys get your own.”
“Make the mouth bigger. You won’t be able to see it from the street.”
“No, that’s not how to do the eyes. Here, let me show you.”
“Hey, watch it! You got some on the floor.”
“Push up your sleeves. You’re getting it all over everything.”
“You guys aren’t listening to me.”
At this point, the narcissist sighs deeply, asks you to hand him your tools and says, “Hey, I have an idea. Why don’t you two go watch a show and I’ll finish the pumpkins. That way they’ll be done right.”
On second thought, don’t ask your favorite narcissist if he wants to carve pumpkins with you.
07
Oct 12
A Ripple of Light
She sits in the glow of the computer screen, wringing her hands. It’s late – kids are in bed. She’d put her fingers on the home row and type, but she doesn’t know what to say.
She doesn’t know how to help.
She reads their words and feels their anguish. She senses the tightness in their chests. She hears the worries that keep them from sleep.
The instinct to want to protect their babies runs deep.
There is power in their anger. The strength required to control their anger makes them far stronger than most. Continue reading →
