Moving On / Seeing My Path / Tools — 27 comments
26
Aug 11

Secret Makings of a Happy Ending

The pile of clean folded clothes was a prop.  The pile sat on the counter waiting for its cue.  The cue was the sound of the garage door opening.

__________

She wrote detailed plans for her new future.  She’d live in a house where she could take deep breaths – a house where she didn’t walk on eggshells.

She wouldn’t have to ask permission to faux-paint the bathroom walls.  She’d cook what she liked at whatever time of the day she pleased.

She’d sweep the floor when she felt it needed it. Continue reading →

Moving On / Random Observations / Seeing My Path — 10 comments
22
Aug 11

“It’s Karma, Stupid.”

red-on-rocks“It’s about how many times you keep coming back, working on the same lessons with the same people.”

“How many more times do you want to play the doormat? ”

“How many more times are you going to cry yourself to sleep because you don’t feel loved? ”

“How many more times are you going to deny who you are because you fear others won’t accept you?”

“Do you think these lessons can be learned by yourself?”

“Don‘t you think the lessons are learned through the relating to others?”

…

“I just see you giving lip service to all this stuff – the universe, God, karma, love, truth, authenticity.  That’s great and lofty and swell and all, but when are you going to really act on this stuff you say you believe in?”

 

*From a conversation –  Seeing My Path.

Moving On / Parenting / Random Observations — 14 comments
18
Aug 11

On Cute Puppies and Leaving Well Enough Alone

If I could manage to keep them from putting that 6 week-old Pomeranian puff ball with irresistible brown eyes in my arms, I’d be fine.

…

They cradled him like a newborn.  They sprinkled Johnny Jump-Ups on his back.  They cooed at him and loved him up.

And then the pleading started.

“Mom, he won’t get too big.” Continue reading →

Moving On / Seeing My Path — 5 comments
15
Aug 11

Walls, Fences and Structures

fence

An excerpt from Seeing My Path.

…  I remind myself that all the structures in my life have been created by me.

The structures are determined by my relationships and my role in those relationships.  The structures dictate where I go.

I think of the structures as guard rails that keep me on the path I’m traveling.

. . .

The structure prevented me from moving closer to who I was supposed to be.

On this plateau, with the sun warming my face, I can see – far down below – a maze of high walls.  The walls are the structure I thought I needed to guarantee love and acceptance.  They funneled me in the direction of pleasing others, helping others, and putting myself last.

What if I made the decision to raze those walls and create a new structure?

What if I trusted that love would come to me if I allowed myself to follow a path that didn’t put everyone else first?

Could it be that each step in the direction of my true self might bring me more strength and more love?

Then I heard myself having a conversation with… well… myself.

 

*To read more about how my choices and structures led to my marrying a narcissist, how I lost myself, changed course and finally got headed in my right direction check out Seeing My Path – In and Out of a Relationship With a Narcissist.

It’s a good story with a happy ending… so far. ;)

Child of Narcissist / Moving On / Seeing My Path — 13 comments
11
Aug 11

Seeing My Path

Seeing My Path - In and Out of a Relationship With a Narcissist

We ran out of Fritos.

Now we’re on to a 3-layered, sinfully dark chocolate cake.  The layers are filled with chocolate flavored mascarpone cheese. I’ll cut you a thin slice because it’s so rich.

We’re celebrating the 2nd birthday of the blog and the release of my first e-book!

I know!  I said I was going to write this book.

I did it!

This book is all new content!

There’s nothing quite like setting a goal, realizing a dream and having Will and Jenny by my side telling me how proud they are.

__________

I’m going to eat some more cake, pat myself on the back, and smother my kids a bit.

I’ll be back here to reply to some comments and write another post.  Soon.

In the meantime, thank you all for encouraging me on the book.  Thank you for visiting this site and hanging out with us.  Thank you for your compassion and wise words.

I am blessed to have you touch my life.

Pass the cake!

 

Edit:  5/31/21

The sidebar includes links to free copies of my e-books. Please help yourself.

 

 

Child of Narcissist / Lack of Empathy / Moving On / The World Revolves Around Me / Tools — 16 comments
08
Aug 11

Surviving Nicely – 2

It feels good typing the title of this post.

I hope you like Fritos.  We’re also serving lemonade because, well, we have all those lemons.  I have to enjoy a little wine on a birthday.  Jenny is throwing confetti.  Will is tech decking in the background.

And there’s gratitude flowing through the room

It’s the 2nd birthday here at survivingnarcissism.com.

I don’t know how it happened.

Yes!  We’ve journeyed through another year on this blog. Continue reading →

Moving On / Seeing My Path — 6 comments
06
Aug 11

Delicious Beginnings and a Red Wagon

red-wagonAn excerpt from Seeing My Path…

“Remember when we were a kid and didn’t care?  Do you remember back before we worried if our ears were too big, whether we talked too much, if our  eyebrows  were too caterpillar-like, or if our arms and legs were too long and skinny?

Can you remember a time before we started to think there was something wrong with us?

Let’s be that kid pulling a red wagon full of  hopes, dreams and lessons to be learned.

Let’s be that kid before she’s hardened by disappointments, dashed hopes and unfulfilled dreams.

Let‘s be that kid before she lets the doubts change her opinion of herself – before she began to believe the criticisms or hurtful comments from others.

Let‘s be the kid who believed she could do anything and thought she was lovable and likeable and a joy to be around.

Can you imagine anyone not wanting to be around our kids?  Try to feel that way about us.  We, above all, know our intrinsic goodness.  We know the depth of our character.

Let’s be the kid who is proud of the stories she writes and the cakes she bakes and the pictures she draws and the forts she builds.

Love us as much as we love the kids.

Forgive our screw ups.

Believe in our intentions.

Allow us to grow into who we are.”

 

*Notes from a conversation with myself, on a high plateau, somewhere in the middle of Montana.

Random Observations / Seeing My Path — 2 comments
04
Aug 11

Dear Universe

dear-universeDear Universe,

Thank you for giving me the opportunity to write this book.

With grateful tears and a happy, excited heart…

Love,

Jesse

Moving On / Seeing My Path — 21 comments
02
Aug 11

I’m Scared

Last night I was re-reading the book I’ve been working on.  I’ve been excited to put this project together for you.

As I was reading, those crappy voices assaulted me – the ones that say, “Who the hell gives a shit about Jesse Blayne’s messed up choices?  Who wants to spend two more minutes of their time reading about this woman?  What difference does it make?”

So at 10:30 last night, I fired off an email to my aunt.  She has read the book and offered some invaluable comments and suggestions.  She is smart and wise and good.  She’ll set me straight.

I asked her, “Is this book just a bunch of narcissistic B.S.?  Is it going to help anyone?”

I went to bed prepared to rewrite the whole book.

__________

This morning I realized I’m doing it again – I’m worrying about what everyone else will think.  My default position is to always head in the direction that others think is best.

The others might be my family, or the blogging experts, or the SEO gurus or the ebook generators or the bean counters or whoever else plants seeds of doubt in my already crowded, full-of-doubt brain.

So I did what I always do when I feel the need to take a flyswatter to all those doubts buzzing around in my head.

I started thinking about you.

I started thinking about what you are scared of.

I started thinking about the doubts buzzing around in your head.

You are the person I’ve been writing this book for.

Not the SEO gurus, the ebook generator people, or my mom or Kevlar Man or even my aunt, much as I love her.

__________

I’ve been scared before.

I’ll be scared again.

I’m not changing anything – except for some typos and the whole it’s/its thing – if I catch ’em all.

 

*Just as I was about to hit publish, I got a response from my aunt.  The gist was this:  “Don’t change a thing!  Go Girl!”


Random Observations / Seeing My Path / Tools — 9 comments
30
Jul 11

Letting Go of the Rope

letting-the-moss-growShe never could get up on water skis.  Oh sure, she tried.

Her dad was actually quite patient with her.  She can remember the summer he drug her around the lake.  He was steering the boat, looking back at her expectantly, motioning with his hands to “just pop up on those skis!”

She swallowed a lot of water.  She kept getting in the lake and trying.

She just couldn’t do it.

Maybe she didn’t really want to water ski.  Everybody else said they loved water skiing.  She should probably love water skiing, too.  That’s what everybody did in the summer. Continue reading →

Child of Narcissist / Random Observations / Tools — 8 comments
26
Jul 11

Lunch for Twilite

lunch-for-a-ponyBecause a little girl’s imaginary pony can get so very hungry.

 

I like nonsense, it wakes up the brain cells. Fantasy is a necessary ingredient in living, it’s a way of looking at life through the wrong end of a telescope. Which is what I do, and that enables you to laugh at life’s realities.
Theodore Geisel

 

Random Observations — 20 comments
24
Jul 11

Dear 27-Year-Olds

hang-on

Hey you!

Hang on.

This isn’t all there is.

If it feels thick and slow and hard to breathe, that’s because it often feels that way – especially right now. That thick feeling is offset by another feeling… of lightness.

That lightness comes if you let it – if you don’t try to attach to it. Don’t cling to the lightness out of fear. Let it come and go.  Trust that when the lightness leaves, it will also return.

___________

There are glimpses of understanding.

Sometimes it all makes sense.

Go out under the moon and catch your breath.

Walk by yourself in a Spring rain and get soaked.  Smell your skin and the wet earth and listen to the grass grow.

You will see that it makes sense.

Let a newborn baby wrap its tender hand around your calloused finger. Feel the energy in that tiny hand.

That makes sense.

The hardness makes sense, for without it, there is no appreciation for ease.

__________

Show us who you are.  What are you hiding from?  If you won’t let us see you, how can we come to know you and love you.

Open yourself up to the possibility of being loved for who you are – flaws and all.  We all have them.

Ask for a hand, because we are all here for no other reason than to support and nurture each other.

Can you let another nurture you?

You don’t have to be so tough.

Let us see you.

Let us know you.

You deserve to be loved for who you are.

__________

Hang on.

It gets sweeter.

There is joy to be found in a morning spent pulling weeds or a night spent falling asleep on the couch getting lost in a book.

There is good spaghetti yet to eat.

There are children to watch grow and hikes to take.

There are flowers to be picked and friends to be made.

There is good wine to share.

There are mountains of buttery popcorn to be devoured while sitting in a dark theater next to your best friend watching a new summer blockbuster in air conditioning when it’s 98 degrees outside.

There will be phone calls from old friends who miss you.

There will be bright spots right around the corner.

Hang on.

Child of Narcissist / Random Observations / Seeing My Path / Tools — 58 comments
21
Jul 11

I Am The Protector

protectionI wanted to find out what happened to Lisbeth Salander – really, I did.  I made it to page 532, out of 600 pages.  I almost got there.  In the middle of the book, where she’s attacked by the bad guy, I almost quit reading.  I told myself, “Oh come on, you wimp, certainly there will be justice in the end.  Keep reading.”  But at about page 489, I’d walk by my nightstand and I’d swear the book was growling and baring its teeth at me.  I felt the need to cross my arms in front of my chest to protect myself.

I returned the book – unfinished – to my girlfriend.  She’d also loaned me the second in the series.  “I’m sorry,” I muttered, “I can’t do it.  It hurts to read it.”  She knows me.  She just smiled.  I looked at her coffee table and saw another book that looked intriguing, and started to say, “How’s that one?”  She politely stopped me and said, “You won’t like that one, either.”

*sigh*

I wanted to watch Javier Bardem in “Biutiful“.   Last night I tucked the kids in and sat down for a rare treat – a grown-up movie.  I made it through 50 minutes before my stomach started to tighten and I noticed my fists were clenched.  It was raw and edgy and artsy and he was biutiful.  I had to stop watching to protect myself from the anxiety I feel whenever I’m exposed to turmoil.

*sigh* Continue reading →

Child of Narcissist / Control / Lack of Empathy / The World Revolves Around Me / You Might Be a Narcissist If ... — 33 comments
17
Jul 11

A Day in the Life of a Narcissist

He said he’d be here at 9:oo a.m.

Then he changed his mind.

He didn’t want to do what the kids wanted to do so he said, “I’m not coming at nine.  I don’t want to go where they want to go.”

The kids called and sent texts asking why he didn’t want to go where they wanted to go.

He avoided answering calls and texts.

I went to his house to ask him why he is manipulating the kids in this way.

He refused to answer the door. Continue reading →

Quotes / Random Observations — 2 comments
15
Jul 11

Everyone Is Just Waiting

Waiting for the fish to bite or waiting for wind to fly a kite. Or waiting around for Friday night or waiting perhaps for their Uncle Jake or a pot to boil or a better break or a string of pearls or a pair of pants or a wig with curls or another chance. Everyone is just waiting.
Dr. Seuss

 

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