Surviving Narcissism

Dear Dad

I’m not mad at you any more. I’m guessing that you didn’t realize I was mad at you.

I’ve been mad at you for a real long time.

I wasn’t mad when you and mom got a divorce. I was mad after the divorce, when you never came around. I was mad when you said you’d come by, and you didn’t. I was mad at you for finding things to do with my brother, but not being able to find things to do with me.

It hurt my feelings when you couldn’t think of anything to talk with me about, or when you couldn’t make an effort at being interested in my life.

You never told me I was pretty or smart or capable or funny. Now I am insecure and lacking in self-confidence.

I was mad at you for expecting me to be the one to call. I had to be the one to create a relationship with you. When I dropped the ball on our relationship, and quit trying, you never picked it back up. You were content to just let things slide. Continue reading →

Moving On / Quotes — Comments Off
16
Dec 10

Tradition

Tradition is an explanation for acting without thinking.

Grace McGarvie

Moving On / Recipes — 6 comments
14
Dec 10

Spritz Cookies and Other Customs

spritz-cookies We made Spritz Cookies on Sunday. They’re my favorite Christmas Cookie, and my brother’s, too. And now, they are Jenny’s favorite.

Forever, the tradition has been to only have Spritz at Christmas. They are special, and they should be saved for a special time of year.

A couple years ago, Jenny asked, “Mom, can we make Spritz other times of the year?”

I started to tell her that Spritz were only made at Christmastime and that is what we do, but I stopped myself. I couldn’t think of a good reason for not making them other times of the year.

I don’t have good china, but I think it must be like using your china for special occasions, and then realizing you hardly ever pull out the china, or the good silverware or the fancy linens or the other special stuff. Continue reading →

Child of Narcissist / Random Observations — 2 comments
12
Dec 10

Bittersweet

snowy-curtain I’ve been writing here for over a year. Jen and Will know what the blog is about. Will keeps asking for permission to read the whole blog. He’s not ready for that.

They both know about narcissism.

I read some of the posts to them. I have read many of the comments to them. I want them to share in this process.

We’ve all come a long way because of the growth we’ve experienced due to this blog and the amazing comments, love and support that occur here.

My goal is to sell my own products through this site. The kids know about that. We have plans and dreams based on what I may be able to do here. Because of those plans and dreams, they often ask me how many folks are checking in on the site. They see me checking the stats for the blog, and they’ve witnessed the growth in the numbers of people who read. Continue reading →

Quotes — Comments Off
11
Dec 10

On Moods

On a bad day, I have mood swings – but on a good day, I have the whole mood playground.

Charles Rosenblum

Moving On / Random Observations / Tools / You Might Be a Narcissist If ... — 7 comments
09
Dec 10

Some Days Are Like That

old-blue-enamel-pot1 I make a damn good cup of coffee. I make oatmeal with the perfect ratio of oats – walnuts – cinnamon – nutmeg. Nobody cleans a cat box like I do. You’d be amazed at how quickly I can fold a laundry basket full of clean clothes. I even find all the socks, almost every time.

And some days, that’s the best I can come up with when trying to cheer myself up and get out of the funk.

When staring at the too-bright laptop screen at 5:15 a.m., my eyes are blurry – not from being tired, but from fussing over the pages of the book I’m trying to finish.

I bounce over to Twitter to get some inspiration and find a few laughs or a couple good posts to read. The distraction takes my mind off the fact that I doubt myself.

I doubt my abilities as a mom. Continue reading →

Child of Narcissist / Quotes — Comments Off
07
Dec 10

On Making Do

Life is like a blanket too short. You pull it up and your toes rebel, you yank it down and shivers meander about your shoulder; but cheerful folks manage to draw their knees up and pass a very comfortable night.

Marion Howard

Child of Narcissist / Random Observations — 2 comments
05
Dec 10

Sparkles in the Cold

cold-quiet1 My fingers are still thawing as I write this post.

At 8:30 a.m. it was 4 degrees below zero and absolutely gorgeous out, with all the sparkling snow encrusting everything. I went out in the cold quiet to take photos of the glorious white landscape.

diamond-encrusted

My eyes teared up from the cold. My fingers couldn’t push the buttons of the camera. My boots crunched through the snow, and my knees shook. Continue reading →

Random Observations / Tools — 4 comments
04
Dec 10

Thoughts On Love, Sacrifice and Cat Hair on the Keyboard

It’s still dark. I can barely make out the fog hanging over the park. Kids are still snuggled in cozy beds. After making my first cup of coffee, I light the fire and sit to cruise web sites and formulate a blog post.

Suddenly our cat jumps up on my lap.

She kneads for a bit, changes position, snags my robe with her claws, looks me in the face and sniffs my coffee.

I could put her down, but I don’t.

She wants to soak up some of my body heat. It’s really cold this morning. I love this patient cat. She’s inconveniencing me like crazy, but she’s a sweetheart and I can’t put her down. Continue reading →

Narcissist Quotes / The World Revolves Around Me / You Might Be a Narcissist If ... — 4 comments
01
Dec 10

Seriously?

A couple days before Thanksgiving, I called Mark to explain that the kids weren’t ready for a visit at his house. The first thing out of his mouth was, “What’s that about?”

I sighed and said, “The phone calls are going well. They just aren’t up for hanging at your place yet. When they went to dinner at the restaurant with you last week, they felt completely left out of the conversation.”

He laughed and said, “That’s ridiculous. The whole conversation was directed at them. It’s all about Jen and Will right now.”

I said I was sorry, but that they asked me to deliver the message that they wouldn’t be going to his house.

Then, out of habit, I said, “Happy Thanksgiving.” I didn’t say it to be snarky, sarcastic or snide. It’s a custom in our culture. That’s what people say this time of year.

He answered with, “Thank you.”

Moving On / Quotes — 2 comments
30
Nov 10

On Divorce

When two people decide to get a divorce, it isn’t a sign that they
‘don’t understand’ one another, but a sign that they have, at last,
begun to.

Helen Rowland

Control / Lack of Empathy / Moving On / Seeing My Path / You Might Be a Narcissist If ... — 10 comments
28
Nov 10

Rescuing Her Heart

the-wooden-box She pinned the boutonniere to her grandfather’s lapel and walked him out to the backyard. His seat was in the front row of chairs under the canopy. It wasn’t the kind of wedding where the guests or groom weren’t allowed to see the bride before the ceremony. In fact, the bride had been scurrying around taking care of last minute details while dressed in the batiste gown she’d made and embroidered.

This had to be a cost-effective wedding, or there would be no wedding at all.

The groom hadn’t actually proposed to the bride. Years later, when learning about narcissism, she would read that narcissists rarely propose. It was beneath them.

__________

They had lived together for about a year, bought a home and settled into a comfortable lifestyle. Getting married was a default move. It made sense. It was expected. She assumed they’d marry one day. He didn’t spend a lot of time thinking about getting married. When she pressed, he usually said something like, “Well… I’m fine with it all as long as it isn’t a big production, doesn’t cost me a lot, or interrupt my work schedule. Continue reading →

Child of Narcissist / Lack of Empathy / Moving On — 3 comments
26
Nov 10

The Three of Us

4-rocks There’s a post rolling around in my head. I keep trying to avoid it. It’s going to make me write it. It’s about why I believe divorce is the only way to survive a relationship with a narcissist.

I’m going to have to dig a little deeper.

That post is going to require a lot from me.

In the meantime, Jenny drew these faces on rocks.

They made me smile. They made me think about the three of us, and how there used to be four of us.

family-of-3

Now there are three with – brighter smiles, intact spirits and happier souls.

Random Observations / Seeing My Path / Tools — 8 comments
25
Nov 10

Thanks

thanksgiving

Thank you.

Altah

Amy

Andrea

Angel

Annie

Bruce

Catherine

Caitlin

Chris

Craig

Debbie

Dee

Diane

Donna

Doreen

E.R.M.

Firing On All Syllables

Flora

Heather

Holly

Janet

Jessica

Josh

Judy

Kate

Kath

Katherine

Lavica

LaVonne

Leah

Linda

Lisa

Lucy

Mia

Mike

M. J.

Mojo Girl

Mom

Pat

Peg

Pete

Phyllis

Ralph

Rebecca

Reese

Sandra

Sandy

Sarah

Siddhartha

Sue

Susan B.

Susan Q.

Tina

This is the list of the folks who left comments on Surviving Narcissism. These comments helped the three of us get to where we are today.

Thank you.

If your name isn’t on this list and you read this blog, thank you, too.

Love,
Jesse

Quotes — 16 comments
23
Nov 10

When I Forget What I Know

The best way of forgetting how you think you feel is to concentrate on what you know you know.

Mary Stewart

When I forget what I know, I give more chances, hope things will change, set us up for more hurts and disappointments.

I know the history.

I know the truth.

I get lazy and don’t want to have to maintain the boundaries on a daily basis.

I tend to act from feelings rather than what I know. The feelings tell me that we could have this fantasy life, where we all get along.

I know better.

Surviving Narcissism Exploring life after marriage to a narcissist. Learning and thriving by sharing our story. – Jesse Blayne