Surviving Narcissism

Permission To Move On

The Universe wrapped her arm around me Wednesday evening. I felt her warm breath on my ear.

This is what I heard her say:

“Listen, Honey, you’ve done a fine job. I’m proud of you for doing your best. I know this was hard for you. You got through to him as much as you possibly can. He’s injured, Dear, and you can’t do anything about it. You knew that when you married him, and you know that now.

You can rest easy in the knowledge that you have done as much as you possibly can. I don’t expect any more from you. Now you must focus your energies on caring for yourself and your children. You have avoided the negativity as long as you could. You tried tenderness and compassion.

It’s time for you to move on.”

__________ Continue reading →

Quotes / Tools — 2 comments
21
Oct 10

When To Be Done

How long should you try? Until.

Jim Rohn

Child of Narcissist / Lack of Empathy / You Might Be a Narcissist If ... — 6 comments
20
Oct 10

The Thing Is…

The thing is… he didn’t physically abuse me. He didn’t drink or gamble or spend every weekend golfing or hunting or fishing. He didn’t cheat on me. At least I never had concrete proof that he cheated on me, unless I count his on-going affair with himself.

The thing is… he didn’t particularly like me. But then the world is populated with lots of married couples who don’t like each other.

The thing is… he didn’t embrace the whole having a baby thing. But lots of guys aren’t interested in going to doctor visits, listening to heart beats or shopping for onsies. I suppose, too, that lots of guys don’t want their wives to breast feed. Lots of guys don’t enjoy giving their babies a bath or reading to them every night.

The thing is… he didn’t listen to me when I told him I was frightened that our marriage was failing. But then I assumed that all guys hate the idea of going to counseling. When I cried and told him that I was lonely living in his house, and that I was afraid that he wasn’t connecting with me or the kids, he said I had problems.

He told me I was depressed, and that I needed to see someone. Continue reading →

Child of Narcissist / Quotes — Comments Off
18
Oct 10

Let Them Be

To bring up a child in the way he should go, travel that way yourself once in a while.

Josh Billings

Children have more need of models than of critics.

Carolyn Coats

Sing out loud in the car even, or especially, if it embarrasses your children.

Marilyn Penland

What a child doesn’t receive he can seldom later give.

P.D. James

When my kids become wild and unruly, I use a nice, safe playpen. When they’re finished, I climb out.

Erma Bombeck

Child of Narcissist / Tools — 7 comments
17
Oct 10

It’s All Perception

pleasantville “Clean up this mess! How can we expect to have people over if this is what this place looks like? Are we Pigs, here? Can’t we put some order to this place?”

That is not what I said. It is what I have thought. I’m careful to not call it a ‘mess’, or ‘junk’. I know she loves all her stuff.

Yes, it makes me crazy.

I can be heard saying, “Okay, I’ve had enough. We need to find where this stuff lives. It’s my house, too. I love that you feel comfortable enough to explore, create, play and be, but at some point, I want to walk through the living room.”

I am done making excuses to friends. Continue reading →

Child of Narcissist / Quotes / Tools — 2 comments
15
Oct 10

Notes On Stress

clothes-on-the-line

Do not anticipate trouble or worry about what may never happen. Keep in the sunlight.

Benjamin Franklin

Stress is when you wake up screaming and you realize you haven’t fallen asleep yet.

Unknown

Reality is the leading cause of stress amongst those in touch with it.

Lily Tomlin

Stress: The confusion created when one’s mind overrides the body’s basic desire to choke the living daylights out of some jerk who desperately deserves it.

Unknown

There are thousands of causes for stress, and one antidote to stress is self-expression. That’s what happens to me every day. My thoughts get off my chest, down my sleeves and onto my pad.

Garson Kanin

Child of Narcissist / The World Revolves Around Me / Tools — 6 comments
14
Oct 10

Drip, Drip, Drip

This chronically, unresolved stressful stuff with Mark is like a leaky faucet.

When we’re busy, we don’t hear the constant dripping. When the music is turned up loud, I’d swear the plumber had been here today. When we’re having dinner at mom’s, I might comment that I really ought to call a plumber, but 20 minutes into our visit, I’ve forgotten about the faucet.

I’ve asked several friends to recommend a good plumber. I’ve checked the yellow pages.

When lessons are completed, the skateboard rests, and Barbie is tucked away for the day, the dripping is relentless. We can hear it from every corner of the house. When the three of us are tucked safely into our beds, all we can hear is the incessant DRIPPING. We’ve gotten quite comfortable sleeping with pillows pressed to our ears.

When I’m lying in bed listening to the drip, I am convinced I need to call a plumber. I know that if I attacked that faucet with a wrench, we’d have a geyser on our hands. We’d have a flood instead of an annoying drip, drip, drip. But, damn, plumbers cost a lot of money.

The three of us looked for a new house the other night. We were on the internet, looking at new houses with shiny faucets, in new towns, in far away states. Why does moving to a new state frighten me less than calling a plumber and tackling this drip head on? Continue reading →

Quotes / Random Observations — 9 comments
13
Oct 10

Coincidence?

This isn’t coincidence, there’s no such thing.

Brandon Boyd

Moving On / Random Observations — 18 comments
12
Oct 10

The Universe and Lima Beans

bamboo She was standing in the rice and beans aisle in the grocery store. She’d forgotten her list. She knew she needed some sort of rice or pasta or beans or some such.

All she could think about was buying a pack of cigarettes.

She wouldn’t smoke the whole pack. She wanted to taste one single cigarette – not even the whole thing – one deep, long drag. She stood there arguing with herself. The first thing the surgeon said when she came to, after heart surgery six weeks ago was, “Listen, if you want this to work – if you don’t want to see me again – you MUST quit smoking.”

For the first few weeks, she had no desire. Every single thought in her head was consumed with the act of survival. All she could do was breathe and let her body heal. She barely gave cigarettes a thought. Who was she kidding? She thought of them, but not with the desperation that she’d expected.

Now, on her first solo shopping trip, six long weeks after surgery, she was consumed with the prospect of buying and smoking one delicious, long. slender best friend. Continue reading →

Moving On / Quotes / Tools — 3 comments
10
Oct 10

The Power of Thought

Thoughts have power; thoughts are energy. And you can make your world or break it by your own thinking.

Susan Taylor

Control / Lack of Empathy / The World Revolves Around Me / You Might Be a Narcissist If ... — 8 comments
08
Oct 10

What Was I Thinking?

After six months of almost daily, intense togetherness, he told me he didn’t like seeing me in skirts and boots.

I thought it was sweet that he felt comfortable enough with me, to feel that it was okay to tell me that he’d like me to change my wardrobe.

After we’d been together eight months, he started saying derogatory things about my family and friends. I’d start to gently defend my peeps, and he’d try to convince me that his view was accurate.

I thought he wanted the best for me. I thought that since he was so amazing, maybe his view of my family and friends was accurate.

He didn’t like to go out to restaurants, go to movies, or spend money on entertainment. He would question my purchase of a book, CD, or magazine. Continue reading →

Quotes — Comments Off
05
Oct 10

Fighting With Fire

People who fight fire with fire usually end up with ashes.

Abigail Van Buren

Child of Narcissist / Lack of Empathy — 8 comments
04
Oct 10

What Would You Do?

The attorney (that I will not be retaining) wondered if I’d considered asking Mark if there might be a way for us to resolve this situation without incurring ridiculous court costs. She wondered if there might be a way for us to agree on a parenting schedule.

I wanted to say, “What color is the sky in your world? Don’t you think we’ve tried that? Do you think I’m stupid? Do you think I have this kind of money to spend?”

But because I continue to try, and because it certainly wouldn’t make things worse to try one more time, I emailed Mark.

I told him I’d found an attorney. I told him that the attorney strongly suggested that we seek more counseling for the kids. She believes we need to get to the bottom of the allegations before determining a parenting plan. I asked if he thought there was a way we could do this outside of a court room.

Thirty hours later, I received an uncharacteristically short email from Mark that read, “Do what you need to do. I’ll do the same.” Continue reading →

Quotes — Comments Off
02
Oct 10

Who’s The Fool?

Never argue with a fool, onlookers may not be able to tell the difference.

Mark Twain

Child of Narcissist / Control / Lack of Empathy / Tools — 14 comments
01
Oct 10

I’m Not Crazy

You can’t stand that sound anymore. It’s driving you crazy. The car has been making a noise – a thudda-thudda-ping sound. It’s been making that sound for awhile. The kids hear it over their arguments about which radio station to tune in. Your mom has heard it when you take her to lunch. The guy at the gas station has heard it. The neighbors heard it.

So you take it to a mechanic. He drives it around the block and says, “Ma’am, cars make noises. You can’t drive a car and not expect it to make a noise. I’m the expert, I know how cars sound. Your car is fine. This is what you should expect. Here are your keys.”

You start to say, “But, no, really. I can hear it. It sounds like this. It’s making that sound all the time. You really don’t know. You have to hear it.”

He loses patience and says, “Ma’am, cars are noisy. Have a good day.”

You get back in the car, and it makes the thudda-thudda-ping sound again, as you drove away in search of a new mechanic. Continue reading →