Surviving Narcissism

Trail Guide

“I’m afraid that whatever I write will make this worse.” That was the start of Jenny’s assignment today. Yesterday afternoon, the counselor called to set up an appointment for a Friday session with Mark and the kids. She asked that we agree to have Mark pick the kids up and take them to the appointment.

Will and Jen are not at all thrilled about riding to the appointment with Mark. I think the lack of contact has made them even more uncomfortable with their dad. I can see why the counselor wants them to ride with Mark. She wants to see what the kids are like, when they aren’t washed in my influence. And I agree with her. Even though I’m trying to be very diplomatic with this process, they will pick up on my energy. We are too tight for that not to happen.

Will is currently penning an 11 year old’s version of The Grapes of Wrath. He hasn’t taken any breaks to ask for a cup of coffee or swing a club. He has completely embraced this assignment. His paper starts with, “What Bugs Me About My Dad.”

I wanted to help them vent their frustrations by turning this into a home school project. They’ll have more material to discuss at the counseling session, and hopefully they will be able to unload their hearts a bit. Perhaps this assignment will calm them and guide them during tomorrow’s appointment.

They’ll head back into Narcissism Country with their own trail guides. I’m going to cover them in body armor and stick little virtual spray cans of mace in their hands. Continue reading →

Child of Narcissist / Lack of Empathy / Moving On / The World Revolves Around Me / Tools / You Might Be a Narcissist If ... — 8 comments
05
May 10

Hiking in Narcissism Country

It’s a bad idea to walk through rattlesnake habitat in flip flops. It isn’t advisable to hike through grizzly territory with bacon tucked in your back pocket. Children should never be left unattended in mountain lion country.

Once, even though I knew better, I walked through a dry, stubble field in Teva Sandals. The one time I did, I came within 6 inches of a rattlesnake. I was lucky, but there’s no excuse for not being prepared, for not using my brain, for being cavalier about what could be lying in wait.

The same goes for narcissism.

I am chin deep in narcissism country. I know the game switches with each conversation. I know his attempts at manipulation. I know how he contradicts himself, sometimes within the same sentence. I know when he has set a trap. I know how charming he can be.

The least I can do is keep my wits about me. I would be foolish to ever let myself forget how the ground shifts in Narcissism Country. Hikers must always take enough provisions, and familiarize themselves with any potential wildlife threats. Continue reading →

Child of Narcissist / Control / Lack of Empathy / Moving On / The World Revolves Around Me / You Might Be a Narcissist If ... — 3 comments
04
May 10

Update on the Counseling Process

We haven’t heard a word from Mark.

The kids and I talked over the weekend and came up with a proposal. We wanted to suggest a visitation schedule that we could live with. Mark has indicated that he would like to see them more frequently. The kids say, “Absolutely Not.” We think we’ve come up with something to appease Mark. We hope that he will see that a few visits are better than nothing at all.

See? There we go hoping again.

Yesterday morning I called Mark and ended up leaving a message. I selected what I hoped sounded like an encouraging/positive voice. I told him that we were looking forward to talking to him after his counseling session – which was yesterday. I asked him to please call us so that we could discuss how to proceed from here.

I called again in the afternoon. No answer.

Now what? Continue reading →

Moving On / The World Revolves Around Me / Tools — 4 comments
03
May 10

Do It

He was walking and pacing, too agitated to sit still and get involved in the conversation. Every once in awhile, he’d check on the kids to make sure they weren’t getting out of hand. He’d try to sit down and join in, but he’d last for about 5 minutes, before getting up and walking to the other end of the house.

She was sitting at the table, eyes blank, pressing the bridge of her nose in a vain attempt at stopping a nagging headache. Occasionally she glanced in his direction to see if he’d found a place to settle in. I could tell that his pacing was making her headache worse. She was stopping herself from asking him to, “Please. Please just sit down.” She wasn’t contributing to the conversation. Either she didn’t have anything to say, her head was killing her, or she just wanted to be somewhere else.

And the other couple appeared to be similarly disconnected. She was sitting, seemingly holding court, chattering endlessly as if by continuing to talk, she’d be able to let off the steam from all her nervous energy. Her eyes would dart from one person to another, looking for some indication that what she was saying was mattering to someone. She had this panicky look like she was afraid that she might run out of words, before finding the one thread that would connect her to someone in the room.

And her husband had stopped listening years ago. He was going through the motions of tending to the children. Watching the kids provided him with the escape he needed, so he wouldn’t have to sit and listen to his wife’s endless chatter. His eyes appeared like they might not be focused. He was on auto-pilot. Check the youngest, keep her from putting that object in her mouth. Find the oldest and remind him to share. Back to the youngest to grab the offending object. Back and forth. And his wife didn’t seem to notice that he and the kids even existed.

And no one connected. In fact, their restlessness made it impossible for them to connect. And if asked, they wouldn’t be able to tell you the last time they had connected. They might try to suggest that they connect with their kids. Or they’d say that they try to connect with their spouse, but that their spouse isn’t trying to connect with them. Continue reading →

Postcards From a Thriver / Random Observations — 9 comments
01
May 10

A May Day Surprise

lilacs We’re sending you a May Day Surprise. Since it’s a ‘virtual’ gift we can put in whatever we want – even if it’s not in season.

We’ve created a parchment cone with a twine handle. The parchment is a golden, brownish sort of sepia color and it’s relatively sturdy so that it can hold up to the twine that is looped through the holes on either side. The cones aren’t perfect, but they are full of love and sweetness. Some of the points of the cones are a little dented, and there might be too much twine hanging loosely where it’s knotted at the sides.

We’ve tucked in snipped twigs of the most fragrant, plump blossoms of lilacs. The colors range from the lightest shade of lavender to a deep, almost burgundy shade of purple. Here and there, Jenny poked in a few daisies, and Will tucked in some Italian Flat Leaf Parsley.

We’ve just hung this cone at your door.

This is Will’s favorite part… we’ll ring the bell and run.

You’ll set down your coffee on the way to the door and wonder, “Who could be stopping by today?”

You’ll open your door and be pleasantly surprised to see this funny little paper cone full of flowers. You’ll scoop up the cone and wonder, “Who left this here? This must be some kind of mistake. Who would bring me fresh lilacs?”

__________

Then you’ll remember that it’s the first day of May. You’ll remember being a child, in grade school, when the sun was starting to warm the playground. The teacher had told you about how kids used to dance around a May Pole. At recess, you stood in the sun to warm your shoulders, discovered the tether ball pole, and tried to picture what it would be like to dance around a May Pole with a wreath of flowers in your hair.

__________

With the cone of flowers in hand, you’ll walk back into the house, and sit down at the kitchen table. You’ll breathe in the deep scent of lilacs. Then you’ll discover the note card. On the envelope it says, “For You”.

for-you

You can hardly wait to open the envelope. Inside you’ll find a tiny card that says, “Someone is thinking of you today.”

Child of Narcissist / Lack of Empathy / Moving On / Tools — 11 comments
30
Apr 10

It Is What It Is

The original title for this post was going to be, “The Good, The Bad and Reality”. I let myself whirl about in another tailspin after receiving a letter from Mark on Wednesday, and then a lovely phone call from him yesterday morning. When I got off the phone, I felt the messed up stomach that I’d lived with for years. But more importantly, I felt the walls of our home – our little sanctuary – close in around us. It’s the way a mouse must feel when caught in one of those “humane” traps. Those are the traps you get if you want to catch them, but not kill them. But the problem with those traps is that you forget to check them, so the mouse ends up dying this slow, agonizing death by starvation.

I can think of a handful of times when, after a conversation with Mark, I have felt fear. I didn’t feel frightened that he might hit me, or throw me against a wall. Nor have I lost sleep over the possibility of Mark raising a hand to Jen or Will. I can’t seem to find words to describe the feeling. It seems like fear. It feels a bit like hair standing up on the back of my neck. It isn’t every time I talk to him. It has happened maybe 6 or 8 times in all the years I’ve known him. It is a visceral reaction. It hits me at my very core. It isn’t based on any kind of logic.

I think.

But there is a sense of panic – like the mouse must feel when he knows that he isn’t going to be set free.

Yesterday I got that panic feeling. On a whim, I sat down at my computer and in the Google search box I typed, “narcissism and evil”. I’m not going to link you to what I found. It’s depressing and frightening. Continue reading →

Child of Narcissist / Lack of Empathy / Quotes — 2 comments
29
Apr 10

Now What

I think that if you shake the tree, you ought to be around when the fruit falls to pick it up.

Mary Cassatt

Continue reading →

Child of Narcissist / Lack of Empathy / Moving On / The World Revolves Around Me / You Might Be a Narcissist If ... — 2 comments
29
Apr 10

Approaching Full-Circle

“So it’s pretty obvious that you didn’t try to coach your kids before you came in today.” That’s what the counselor first said, when I walked into her office after she’d met first, with Will, and then with Jenny. I explained that I thought it was better/healthier to not over-talk this appointment. (You probably didn’t know I could not over-talk something.) I had explained to them that they would be very comfortable talking to her. They didn’t need to worry about me or their dad hearing what they said. They could complain about me, too, if they so felt. There were no right or wrong answers. And this was a great way for them to get some stuff off their chests.

Interestingly, the counselor pointed out that a lot of kids, upon entering her office, frantically unload their brains in an effort to spew everything they’ve been coached to say, in hopes of not getting in trouble for forgetting to say everything.

Yikes.

I believe we have to trust, that if we are headed down the right path, then we better not impede the process by trying to force our desired outcome.

Then she showed me their drawings. It was absolutely fascinating to see how she interpreted the sketches. She’s been employing the House/Tree/Person technique for 16 years. I knew my kids would be comfortable with sketching since they draw every day. Continue reading →

Child of Narcissist / Lack of Empathy / Moving On / The World Revolves Around Me / You Might Be a Narcissist If ... — 13 comments
27
Apr 10

Being Heard

It feels like complete acceptance, total respect, absolute acknowledgment and warmth all wrapped into one big bear hug. It’s not the first time I’ve been heard. I have amazing family and friends who have supported me and believed me about NPD and it’s effects on my family. Even so, there was always a glimmer of doubt that perhaps I had been clinging so desperately to the belief that my ex was a narcissist, in a vain attempt at making sense of a messed up marriage.

The validation that comes with speaking to a professional – someone who understands personality disorders – is an entirely new level of understanding. And prior to yesterday’s visit, I’d been to two other counselors who had completely dismissed me.

I had decided to not play the narcissism card right off the bat. I had a lot of time to present a picture of the history of my relationship with Mark, from the time we first started dating. I included my observations about the boys from his previous marriage and how I had assumed, based on what Mark had told me, that his relationship with them was strained because of his ex-wife’s influence.

I tried my hardest to leave out emotion, name-calling (that was really hard) and nit-picking. I presented clear-cut examples of bizarre treatments and behaviors. I told her how Mark announced when Will was 6 weeks old, that this family thing wasn’t for him. I told her how the kids weren’t allowed to makes messes in his house. I told her how he would remove himself from conversations if the talk didn’t center on him. I told her about the insidious picking and critiques of Will and Jen’s hair styles, wardrobes and choice of hobbies. I told her how I kept trying, after our separation, to come up with suggestions of what Mark and the kids could do together. I told her that I opened my house to him for visits, even after learning about “the incident”. I told her about how the kids refuse to call him on his behavior because of potential repercussions.

Periodically, she would look at me in total dismay. Several times, as she was writing fast and furiously, she would say, “Wait. Back up? What did he say?” Continue reading →

Child of Narcissist / Lack of Empathy / The World Revolves Around Me / You Might Be a Narcissist If ... — 7 comments
26
Apr 10

Kismet

Just a brief update because my head is in the clouds and I can’t articulate well, right now.

It went so damn well that I don’t know where to begin.

I wanted to write a great illustration of what it feels like when things go well. I wanted to tease, and lead into a story, and draw it out.

But I hate that when someone has something to say, and they won’t cut to the chase.

It WENT SO WELL.

And I am encouraged. I’m excited for my kids to talk to her. Continue reading →

Child of Narcissist / Moving On / You Might Be a Narcissist If ... — 4 comments
26
Apr 10

Transitive Property

Dang. It’s hard to type through tears. Happy tears, that is.

My notes are ready. I’m drinking hot water instead of my usual coffee. No point in making myself any more jittery. I’m reminding myself to take deep breaths. Mother nature cooperated by bringing us a big beautiful sunny sky. I feel brave and strong and even a little excited. Weird.

This feeling is reminiscent of the one and only time I ever jumped off the high board at swimming lessons. I wanted to climb back down that ladder so damn bad. I stood there forever, covered in goosebumps with my elbows pressed against my sides, and my hands tightly clasped under my little pointy chin. I so wanted to show everybody that I was brave, but really I was scared shitless. It took me forever to make the jump. I could feel my stomach climbing to my throat. I closed my eyes, counted to 10 (real slow) and jumped.

I didn’t die. It was exhilarating, scary, and fun. And it hurt.

I’ve never done it since. But, at least I DID it.

__________ Continue reading →

Child of Narcissist / Moving On / Tools / You Might Be a Narcissist If ... — 11 comments
25
Apr 10

Dodging Bullets and Taking Notes

Whew!

We’ve been running around all weekend. The busier we are, the easier it is to avoid the phone, to not think about Monday, to pretend that life is normal. We are practicing the art of distraction. Damn. We are good at distractions.

Will walked over to me midday yesterday. He was fidgety, blinking, pacing and unable to focus. I took one look at him and I knew what was churning in his brain. He and I are on the same frequency. I turned my chair from the computer, to face him, and I didn’t say a word. He looked at me with these huge, pleading brown eyes and said, “Mom. I’ve got to get out of here. I can’t quit thinking about dad. I’ve got to get myself busy.” Just then Jenny chimed in with, “Mom. If the phone rings, I’m not here.”

So we took off. We’ve been going and coming and visiting and moving and avoiding.

I have to collect my thoughts by tomorrow.

Here’s what scares me. Continue reading →

Child of Narcissist / Moving On / The World Revolves Around Me — 7 comments
23
Apr 10

Hope and Rubber Bands

I don’t know how old my kids were before they figured out that rubber bands weren’t actually called ammo. Will had this wooden gun that shot red rubber bands. He’d holler, “Mom, I need more ammo. Where’s the ammo?” Jenny would be cruising around with a Barbie tucked under one arm, and she’d spot a red rubber band behind a chair, and she’d yell, “Hey brother! Over here! There’s ammo behind the chair.”

I think they discovered rubber bands were called ‘rubber bands’ about the time they discovered bars of soap. Seriously, they didn’t know soap came in a solid. The first time they took a bath with a bar of soap was a thing to behold. They spent a big soapy long while in the tub. The bar of soap was squeezed between their little slippery wet hands, until it popped up and landed back in the water with a big splash.

____________

I used to follow this chat forum about daughters of narcissistic parents. I was thinking I’d learn a lot and find some new tools. I can’t go there any more. It’s heartbreaking. In some cases, I would read about a 70 year old woman hoping that one day her 90 year old mother would love her. I read of a 28 year old woman trying desperately to get her mother’s approval. I would read their accounts of wrongs or hurts, and I could hear all the dashed hopes in their posts.

Now I am seeing my kids get their hopes up about next week’s counseling sessions. It is good that Mark is taking this step. Jenny and Will want to believe that things can change. They want to go to bed at night believing that their dad really loves them in all their unique, sweet weirdness. They want to be like their cousins who are fathered (and loved) by dads who like spending time with them, who take them to T-ball practice and wrestling meets and swim lessons. Continue reading →

Random Observations / Stories — 12 comments
22
Apr 10

An Earth Day Story

canyon His buffalo plaid flannel shirt was neatly tucked into his creased, Sears Work ‘N’ Wear Kahkis.

His ball cap sat high on his head. He doesn’t wear the new low-profile cap that the younger guys wear. He wears a proper high-crowned baseball cap as a tool to shade his eyes, not as a fashion statement.

He was carrying a gas can for filling the lawn mower. It’s the start of the mowing season. He continued his shuffle through the alley, having just made it safely through the busy intersection.

His generation thinks Earth Day is a newfangled invention created by tree huggers. Trees ought to be cut down when they get in the way. Grass is for mowing. He doesn’t see why tin cans, glass, yard waste and newspapers can’t all be thrown into the same dumpster. “Who has time to save the Earth when I’ve got to mow the lawn and wash the car?” Continue reading →

Child of Narcissist / Control / Lack of Empathy / The World Revolves Around Me / You Might Be a Narcissist If ... — 15 comments
21
Apr 10

Humpty Dumpty and Jack

I brought a fresh cup of coffee to my 8:30 counseling session with my blog today. Seems life continues to hand me more fodder for ‘Surviving Narcissism’. This is where I get to use expressions like, “The proof is in the pudding”, “It’s time to take the gloves off”, and (hopefully), “He never knew what hit him.”

I’m using ALL the narcissism tags for this post.

Mark didn’t get to spend a lot of time with the kids this last weekend. Grandma and Grandpa returned from wintering in Arizona, and the kids needed some serious spoiling time. So when Mark called Monday night, I wasn’t surprised to hear his characteristic what-about-me, martyr voice. He said, “You have told me to make them a priority, and when I try to see them, they are too busy with your folks. How am I supposed to fit into their schedule?” I explained that they hadn’t seen grandma for four months, but that they would be available on Tuesday afternoon.

What I wanted to say was, “I asked you, 11 years ago, to make Will a priority. That’s one helluva ‘To-Do List” you’ve got there. You’re just now getting around to making them a priority?”

Three hours into Tuesday’s visit, I walked out to the front yard with my new spine-enhanced posture and said, “We need to cap these visits at three hours. I don’t like being held hostage in my own house.” He sarcastically said, “I would love to have these visits at my house.” I reminded him that the visits at his house would be three hours in length (no over-nighters) and would include both kids at the same time. He frickin’ asked me why the kids wouldn’t be allowed to spend the night. Continue reading →