Surviving Narcissism

Child of Narcissist / Control / Moving On / Seeing My Path — Comments Off
04
Sep 09

Individual Moments of Peace

This evening I sat for a spell on my front porch. We are enjoying the last few days of our summer, and today was particularly gorgeous. I see an image of me hanging from the letter r in the word summer, by my fingernails. I can’t let go of summer quite yet, there’s still a bit of juice left.

I was perched on the porch, feeling like I was suspended above myself.

Not a religious or zen thing, but a brief moment of stillness.

Those still moments can feel familiar, and foreign, all at the same time.

The temperature was perfect. Continue reading →

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01
Sep 09

The Actor As Narcissist

An actor’s a guy who, if you ain’t talking about him, ain’t listening.

Marlon Brando

You Might Be a Narcissist If ... — 2 comments
01
Sep 09

Narcissism and Secrecy

solace It’s an interesting contradiction that narcissists are very secretive. They shout from the rooftops about their accomplishments, their beauty and their talents. They’ll have you believe that they are fabulous, but they never let you get close enough to see for yourself. Maybe it’s because they know that if you get close, you’ll see that they aren’t any better than anyone else. They can’t risk the possibility of anyone discovering that their house is normal, their yard isn’t spectacular, their furnishings are ordinary. Perhaps they can’t control how much you’ll learn about them if you go to their home. You’ll see that their home isn’t as grand as they’ve led you to believe. Maybe you would discover their vulnerabilities or weaknesses, not that they’d ever admit to having any.

Mark and I seldom entertained. No one from work was invited over. He would get irritable if I suggested having anyone over for dinner. I’m the type that likes to sit on the deck and share a glass of iced tea with the neighbor gal. I never had to ask her to leave when Mark got home. She could tell by his demeanor, that once he was home, there was no reason for her to stay. It was the same with phone calls. I always had to make excuses if a girlfriend should call while Mark was home. It wasn’t that we would be busy doing anything, it’s that he didn’t want to risk my telling her how normal we were.

The whole time I knew him, I had this feeling that there was more of him to get to know. I always felt like he just wasn’t letting me in. I sensed that I had to pass a test before he would grant me further entrance. Every time I failed to meet a standard, I was held at arm’s length. He kept his inner thoughts and feelings a secret. It made me try harder to get to know him. It was a challenge to try to get to the real Mark. I was only allowed to see the Mark that he wanted me to see.

I used to think that he knew me better than anyone else. I realize now that he knew me only to the extent that he was interested in knowing me. He knew me enough to push the right buttons so that he’d get his narcissism fed.

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30
Aug 09

Gift-Giving

Giving presents is a talent; to know what a person wants…to give it lovingly and well.

Pamela Glenconner

Lack of Empathy / The World Revolves Around Me / You Might Be a Narcissist If ... — 26 comments
30
Aug 09

Narcissists And Gift-Giving

Somewhere in the last week of January, 2006, Mark came home from work and emptied three plastic grocery bags on the kitchen counter. I could tell by the look on his face that he was quite proud of himself. With shoulders back and head held high he said, “Well, I’m not going to get in trouble on Valentine’s Day this year. I had to pick up some stuff for work, so I thought I’d get you crossed off the list.”

I said, “Wow, Valentine’s Day is three weeks away and you already got your shopping done.” All the while I was thinking to myself, geez you might wanna wrap something, or keep it hidden for a couple weeks.

No, he needed to bask in the glow of his accomplishment. And, he needed to get Valentine’s Day crossed off the list, so we could all get back to the important things, like making sure he was our top priority.

“Here,” he says, “your favorite chocolates. A nice big box of ’em. And there’s a card in there somewhere, too. Go ahead and find it and I’ll sign it when I get a chance.”

Will took one look at the box of chocolates and said, “Hey Dad, those caramel chocolates are your favorites. Mom likes that yucky dark chocolate stuff.” Continue reading →

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28
Aug 09

Becoming

We become what we think about all day long.

Ralph Waldo Emerson

Opportunistic — Comments Off
28
Aug 09

The Opportunivore

Out of curiosity, I Googled the word Opportunivore. The Urban Dictionary defines an Opportunivore as, “an individual who seeks food in any situation where no exchange of capital is needed.” I’ll take some liberties with that definition and change it to, “an individual who seeks adulation and admiration in any situation and assumes no reciprocating is needed.”

Narcissists are incredibly accomplished Opportunivores. Give them any situation, and they can make sure that it is all about them. Case in point, yesterday was the first day of school. In our little family, the tradition is to take pictures in the morning before school. Just the kids at home – no fanfare, no crowds, not in front of the school building. Mark opted to greet the kids at the school once class got out. That way he could be seen scooping up his beautiful children, and he could perform for an audience of admiring parents and teachers.

And today while I was relieving stress on the hill in front of the house, I noticed Mark and Will in Mark’s car. From my vantage I could see the car suddenly start and then stop with a lot of jerking and rocking. It turns out that Mark decided today was a good day to teach Will how to drive. Will is ten. I learned later that Will didn’t ask to drive the car. Mark made the suggestion.

I know how Mark operates. If he grants the kids special privileges, he gets rewarded with more admiration and attention. Apparently, he wasn’t getting enough attention from Will, so he grandstanded and suggested that this would be a good day for Will to learn to drive. Then, when they had completed the lesson, Mark scooped Will up for a “there’s my good boy” hug.

Do you see the contradiction there? Continue reading →

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26
Aug 09

Giving Lightness

Give lightness to others. Let everyone know you’re happy today, cheerful, harmless, and un-crabby. Send clear signals that people can relax.

Author unknown

Moving On — 7 comments
26
Aug 09

Crabbiness

solitude I know. I know. My last post was about Enlightenment.

You may be thinking I must not be enlightened if I still get crabby.

Enlightenment is a process. Crabbiness is a part of that process.

The good news is that I’m not nearly as crabby as I used to be. (My kids might take issue with that last statement.)

I remember Mark telling me, “Maybe you should look into taking St. John’s Wort. How come you sleep all the time? You seemed more energetic when we were first going together.” Continue reading →

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25
Aug 09

Expectations and Enlightenment

Enlightened people never dwell on what they don’t want, what other people expect of them, or what always has been.

Author unknown

Child of Narcissist / Moving On — 3 comments
25
Aug 09

Enlightenment

It had been about six weeks since the kids and I had moved out. Mark and I were still going to counseling. At one point, he told me that he was convinced that my leaving was a temporary thing. He figured I’d get a little space, have a chance to miss him, and come running back with the realization that he was the best thing that had ever happened to me.

He believed I would come to my senses and see what was best for all of us, especially Will and Jenny.

I hadn’t completely given up, but I knew things would have to change dramatically before I would give any thought to the possibility of moving back.

Somewhere during this time I had picked up a copy of Real Simple Magazine and read an article about narcissism. I vividly remember handing my mom the magazine and telling her to read the article. “Mom! She’s talking about your parents.”

Moments later, mom hands back the magazine and says, “Honey, this is your husband.” Continue reading →

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23
Aug 09

All The Messes

It’s not the tragedies that kill us, it’s the messes.

Dorothy Parker

Lack of Empathy / Moving On / Random Observations / Seeing My Path / You Might Be a Narcissist If ... — 3 comments
23
Aug 09

The Narcissist As Protector

Last night I was reading in bed. Reading in bed was frowned upon when I was married. Bedtime was meant for one thing and one thing only – service. We didn’t have a T.V. in our bedroom for the same reason.

Now, in my happy little sanctuary, I often read and watch T.V. in bed at the same time – a sweet, simple pleasure. I was reading a wonderful novel by Elizabeth Berg.

Recently, my 90 year old grandmother was visiting. We were sitting around the table talking about books. She asked what I’d been reading. When I told her mostly self-help books, she rolled her eyes and said, “You ought to read something by Elizabeth Berg.” Guess there’s not much point in self-help books when you’re 90.

Elizabeth Berg is the kind of author that makes you feel like you are sitting down for coffee and stories with an old friend.

Back to last night – I was engrossed in the reading and I saw something scurry across my bedroom carpet and head under my bed. It was a ridiculously large spider – so big, in fact, that it had to duck it’s head to get under the bed. I threw my book at it. That didn’t work. I grabbed the broom to try and get at it. Nothing. Continue reading →

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22
Aug 09

Sit Back And Wait

Just let others do what they’re going to do. Your best strategy is to go for the old “give them enough rope and see what happens” rather than bailing them out.

Author unknown

The World Revolves Around Me — Comments Off
22
Aug 09

“Epipha-me”

From my Webster’s College Dictionary, the word epiphany is defined as:

1. an appearance or manifestation of a deity.

2. a sudden, intuitive perception of or insight into reality or the essential meaning of something ….

The first time I heard Mark use the word epiphany I winced. He pronounced it epipha-ME.

I let it slide. Surely it was a simple mistake. It was kind of cute.

The second time he said epipha-ME I figured I should spare him any embarrassment in case he used that word with somebody else. I ever-so-gently corrected him. I even spelled the word for him so that he would remember that the word ends in ny, not ME.

He didn’t say, “Are you sure? Really? Oh, that’s embarrassing.” He just ignored me. I know he must have thought, “Well, I’m never wrong. She’s got to be wrong.” Continue reading →