all about me « Surviving Narcissism

Posts Tagged: all about me

You Might Be a Narcissist If ... — 5 Comments
26
Oct 09

Narcissists Are Six-Year-Olds

When I first started digging into all this narcissism stuff, I kept reading that a narcissist’s maturity level stops at about the age of six. I was astounded at how all these characteristics of narcissism perfectly fit my ex-husband. But I have to admit, I really thought the six-year-old thing was a bit of a stretch. I guess I was taking it too literally. I mean he owned a business, drove a car and had a checkbook. He didn’t really act like a six-year-old. Or did he?

While Mark was here to visit with the kids Friday night, he kept trying to hatch a plan to pick them up the next day. I could hear the kids dodging his questions. When they don’t want to do anything with him, they always say, “We’ll have to check with mom, first, to see if she has made any plans.” That’s my clue to make up some plans. They’d been kind of secretive with him when he was asking them about getting together. After he left, they told me the reason they didn’t want to see him the next day. Turns out he had come up with a plan for a Christmas gift for me. He wanted the kids to help him with it. They wanted to have nothing to do with it because it was all his plan. He hadn’t asked for any of their input.

The next morning, he called to see when he could pick up the kids. It’s getting somewhat easier to be honest with him. I told him that they weren’t excited about working on the project with him since it was all his idea. He said, “Well I know it was all my idea, but I thought they liked my idea.” I thought to myself, “Well did you ask them if they liked your idea? Or did you just assume that they liked your idea? Or better yet, how about you ask them what they’d like to get me for Christmas.”

Here’s where the six-year-old behavior begins. That was Saturday morning. I’m writing this Monday, after the kids have gone to bed. He usually calls for his bogus goodnight calls almost every night. He didn’t call Saturday, Sunday, and now Monday nights. He is pouting. We are being taught a lesson. He is giving us the cold shoulder. We have gotten to the point where we really enjoy not hearing from him for a couple or three days. One of the kids will notice that he’s not calling and say, “Dad must be pouting again.” Then a couple more days will pass and one of the kids will miss him. They will ask if they can call him. I will say, “Of course you can call your dad.” They will call, and he will pick up where he left off at the last visit, like nothing ever happened.

A couple years ago on Father’s Day, Will was torn about what to do. He felt obligated to spend the day with his dad, but he also wanted to spend time with his grandpa, at the cabin. We came up with a marvelous idea for fitting both plans into the day. When we explained the plan to Mark, he actually whined and said, “Well what about me? What am I supposed to do? It’s my Father’s Day, ya know.” At the time, Will was 9, and grandpa had already assumed more of the fathering role than Mark had. Will knew that he was expected to spend the day with his father, but he also knew what a farce that was. I remember the three of us standing in the driveway. Will and I looked at each other and then we both looked at Mark. I couldn’t believe that not only had that immature thought entered Mark’s mind, but he actually verbalized that thought–in front of his son. Who were the adults in that scenario? Besides, once someone says something like, “Hey, you’re supposed to be with me,” how much does anyone want to be with them? And how enjoyable, then, is it for the person who had to beg another to spend time with them? Continue reading →

Quotes — 1 Comment
12
Oct 09

Advice

When a man comes to me for advice, I find out the kind of advice he wants, and I give it to him.

Josh Billings

You Might Be a Narcissist If ... — Comments Off
12
Oct 09

The World’s Best Boss

This story dates back to when I was still married and working for Mark. That means it pre-dates my education in narcissism. That also means that I had no explanation for why he would undertake such a ruse.

At the time, our little town’s local paper was running a contest. The contest would determine who, in our town, was the Best Boss. Employees were to write in and nominate their boss. The contest had been running for awhile. I had been wondering if any of Mark’s employees might nominate him. After all, he was a very charming boss. He seemed to be well-liked. He had a handful of employees who had been with him for several years.

A few weeks into the contest, I was in Mark’s office taking care of a few duties. He’d been working furiously on a project for a couple days, and hadn’t said much about it. I asked him what was requiring so much of his attention. He explained that he was entering the paper’s contest for Best Boss. I said, “I guess I misunderstood. I thought you were supposed to be nominated by one of your employees.” He explained that he wasn’t going to wait for an employee to nominate him. And besides, “None of my employees would give enough details or information to adequately explain why I am such a great boss.” He was serious when he said this. He went on to say that he didn’t think any of them were articulate enough to write up a letter that would be good enough to win the competition. I vividly remember standing in his office during this conversation. I must have looked stunned. I was stunned. I was thinking that, in the best of cases, you might ask your wife to pen such a letter. In the worst of cases, you might stoop to asking an employee to write the letter. It hadn’t even occurred to me that he would write the letter himself. Above all, that was cheating. And maybe more importantly, that was incredibly vain, conceited, self-centered, and egotistical. More than anything, I was embarrassed.

I knew people that worked at the paper. What was I going to say if someone ever commented on the letter that my husband wrote for the competition, about himself. Surely he couldn’t win, based on the fact that he was writing for himself. Why wasn’t he embarrassed by this? How could he be so full of himself, that he wasn’t the slightest bit embarrassed to brag about himself? I wondered if there was something wrong with me. How many other bosses would write a letter bragging about how great they were to work for?

He actually won the competition. I still can’t believe that. Perhaps he wrote an articulate letter. I read the letter. I have blocked most of what that letter said from my memory. I felt dirty reading it. Maybe there weren’t any other entries. Maybe his charming reputation glossed over the fact that he’d written the letter himself. There are still so many out there that are bamboozled by his charm. Continue reading →

Moving On — Comments Off
5
Oct 09

The Glass is Half Full or How To Be Grateful When It Doesn’t Seem Like There’s Anything To Be Grateful For

Jenny has this cute little bead craft that she spends a lot of time with. Jenny is a typically energetic 7 year old. She loves to sing and dance to Taylor Swift, she loves to chase her brother around the house and she loves to jump on the couch. But this bead thing is her thing. Sometimes she’ll quietly spend the better part of an hour painstakingly lining up beads in colorful patterns to make butterflies, dolphins or teddy bears. I think it’s her therapy.

Mark was over yesterday. Even though he could not care less about Jenny’s bead project, he fakes interest pretty well. He puts on his sing-song voice and tries to suggest which color Jen should place next. I’m standing in the kitchen and I feel myself wince when I hear him say, “Oh Honey, it would be so much nicer if you used green there instead of blue. And if you used black there, it would make all the other colors show up better.” With each one of his well-meaning comments I can feel Jenny shrink away from him. She’s already a petite little thing, and each of his suggestions seems to make her tinier and tinier.

After Mark left, I looked over to see Jenny in a collapsed pink puddle on the couch. I walked over to the opposite chair and sat so she knew I was there and aware of how she was feeling. I didn’t say anything right away. I knew she needed to feel bad for a bit. Finally I said, “How ya doin’, Jen?” She unleashed with, “How come he never asks about me? How come he’s never interested in what I’m interested in? How come he doesn’t like the colors I pick? Why is it all about what he wants to do?” There was no point in telling her that I knew exactly how she felt. She doesn’t want to hear that. She doesn’t want me to tell her that it feels like she is invisible, or that the wind could blow right through her insides because it feels like there is nothing inside her. She doesn’t care that I let her pick the colors, that I care about her day or that I like to know the details about school and her teacher. She needs that from her dad. I can’t do that for her.

The best I can come up with is to say, “You know, Jenny, I happen to know someone who has a pretty great life even tho’ she doesn’t have a very great relationship with her dad.” “Yeah?” She’s pouting and ready to kick something by this point. “Yeah? Who’s that?” I wait for her to look at me and I say, “Me … Silly.” I give her a second to let it sink in. She looks at me and says, “Yeah? Well you’re lucky!” We both think on that for a moment and then suddenly we both burst out laughing. Even my little 7 year old could see the absurdity in that comment.

Opportunistic / You Might Be a Narcissist If ... — 2 Comments
4
Oct 09

You Can’t Make This Stuff Up

boots were made for walkin' The day the three of us packed our boxes and moved out of Mark’s house was also my Grandma’s 90th birthday. There was a gathering at the nursing home, and the kids and I loaded the boxes in the car, and headed to the birthday party. That sounds bizarre. The fact that we put the boxes in the car, and went on with the plans of our day was a real indication that my mind was made up. I couldn’t put the decision off because of a 90th birthday party, so we packed and went to the party.

My dad was there. He’s a real piece of work. There’s a whole blog’s worth of stuff to say about my dad. And because there are divorces and re-marriages in my family, there were current spouses, ex-spouses, and ex-ex-spouses at this affair. I am not close with my dad, and I don’t see him often even though we live in the same town. A relative once told me that my dad had mentioned to her that he had seen me crossing the street downtown and there were two little kids with me. My dad actually asked the relative who those kids were. He had met them, of course, but he has so little to do with us that I think he sometimes forgets that I have kids. Anyway, I didn’t want him to be the last family member to know that I had decided to leave Mark, and I knew I wouldn’t be seeing him again, any time soon, so I figured I’d find a moment at the party to quickly explain my plans. The kids and I were getting ready to leave the party, so I asked my dad if I could talk with him out in the hallway for a second.

We go out into the hallway and I tell him that I’ve decided to leave Mark and that the kids and I would be staying at mom’s for awhile. He looks at me, his eyes well up with tears and he says, “You go back in there and you tell Mary that she should have never left me.” I couldn’t help it, but I heard myself say, “Huh? Mary? Mary who left you six years ago?” And he sobs, “Yeah, Mary has no idea how she hurt me. You go tell her to come out here and talk to me.”

I just walked away and let him stand there feeling sorry for himself. I wanted to say, “I’ll be fine, dad. Don’t worry about me, dad. Don’t worry about Will and Jenny, Dad. We’ll be just fine. We don’t need anything.” But all I could do was walk away. You have got to admire the kind of talent, skill, cunning, whatever you want to call it, that someone has to have to turn another person’s hardship into something that is all about them.

Quotes — Comments Off
1
Oct 09

Having Time

Time is a created thing. To say, ‘I don’t have time,’ is like saying, ‘I don’t want to.’

Lao-Tzu

Lack of Empathy — Comments Off
1
Oct 09

Narcissists Never Change

Ever have those days when you walk through your bedroom to get something, pass by your bed, and gaze at it longingly? You would just give anything to jump in, have the covers surround you, and not have to deal with anymore that life has to dish out. Today was one of those days.

The previous two nights, Mark has been over to have some “family” discussions. We have been re-evaluating our choice of school for Will and Jenny. Mark has been out of the loop, so I figured we better bring him into the dilemma. He swooped in, took his role as patriarch, and began to attempt to solve the problem. And that’s a good thing. The kids need to see him take an interest in their lives. However, I could feel myself getting progressively more tense as these talks got longer. By the second night, he had gathered more info from other sources, and he was ready to enlighten us. He was ready to take action. We needed to set up a time to check out a different school. He asked if I was going to make the call. I suggested that since he had already established a contact, and since his work schedule was more demanding, he ought to make the call and I would work around his schedule. He explained that he doesn’t hear well on the phone, and if I had questions, he wouldn’t hear the answers. (He has had issues with his hearing since I’ve known him, but his vanity prevents him from doing anything about it.) I told him that I’d just ask the questions at the school. This was on a Wednesday night. He was all jazzed about getting this handled. When I suggested that he make the call the following morning, and schedule something for the next day’s afternoon, he balked. “Oh, I can’t possibly be available until Monday. I’ve way too much going on at work right now.” Once again, the kids couldn’t possibly trump his agenda.

Tonight when he called, he was loudly munching on carrots, and distractedly asked about our day. When I said that we were all a little blue because of this school dilemma he said, “Why? What happened? Aren’t they happy there?” What? Wasn’t he here the last two nights, telling us what to do and how to fix this? I guess he figured he’d milked this situation for all he could get. He was bored with our little crisis and had already moved on to something more interesting.

I’m headed for the comfort of my bed-a little earlier tonight than usual. Just when I think maybe he’s turned the corner and he’s starting to have a little empathy for his kids, I get jerked back to reality with another slap in the face. On the bright side, I’ll never run out of material for this blog. (Note to self: See the post on Forgiveness.)

Lack of Empathy — 6 Comments
27
Sep 09

Narcissists Are Everywhere

I come from a long line of narcissists. It wasn’t until I started reading about NPD that I realized just how many narcissists were in my family. There is certain risk involved in learning about NPD. Suddenly, it starts to seem like you are surrounded by narcissists. So that’s why Aunt Bonnie is so self-centered. No wonder Uncle George can’t seem to talk about anything but himself. And a lot of family members can seem that way. They are probably nothing more than your garden-variety, self-centered, annoying relative. No family is without them. But it’s when you look more closely and really pinpoint those defining characteristics, that you learn just how one narcissist begets another, and the cycle continues.

I really loved my grandmother. She doted on me. And when I became a young woman, and it was more difficult for her to do the doting, I doted on her. We spent a lot of time together. I never crossed her. I loved her and there was no need to disagree with her. Nothing was so important that I had to disappoint her by offering a dissenting opinion. I was the perfect source. I never failed to tell her that she was a fabulous cook. And I always commented on how pretty she was when she was young. That’s a real big deal to a narcissist.

Well, I made a big mistake as far as my grandma was concerned. I got married. You can see how that posed a big problem for her. Certainly, if I was getting married, I would have to spend time with the guy I would be marrying. That would take away from the time I was supposed to be spending with her. She didn’t come right out and tell me that she was disappointed. She became petty. When we would be chatting about something, she’d call Mark, “What’s-His-Name.” Or she’d make a snide comment about what he looked like, or what he did for a living. She made it clear that I could have made a better choice. I thought her behavior was odd, but I attributed her pettiness to age. At that point in time, I had yet to learn about NPD. Now, with my schooling in narcissism, I can look back and see her bizarre behavior for what it truly was.

If it wasn’t bad enough that I decided to go out and get married, I then made matters worse by deciding to have a baby. I could hardly wait to tell grandma the news. Surely, those nearest and dearest to me would be as over-joyed as I was. Her immediate response was, “Well, I guess, if that’s what makes you happy.” My brother and his wife had two of their own, and I went on to have a second. With each pregnancy, she was only interested enough to say, “If it’s a girl, I sure hope you name her after me.”

Quotes — Comments Off
15
Sep 09

Being A Grown-Up

All grown-ups were once children. (But few of them remember it.)

Antoine de Saint-Exupery

The World Revolves Around Me — Comments Off
15
Sep 09

Happy Birthday To Me

Yesterday was Will’s birthday. There’s nothing quite like someone else having a birthday to bring out the best in a narcissist. That sounds contrary to what would be expected, but narcissists are usually kind of moody and mopey on their own birthdays. They’re probably disappointed that they weren’t treated as grandly as expected. Maybe the red carpet wasn’t rolled out for them. Or the cake wasn’t quite perfect. But at someone else’s birthday, they have the opportunity to grandstand, and annex the limelight that should be shined on the birthday person.

Mark selected which gifts would be opened, and at what time in the process they would be opened. He wanted Will to open the gifts from him at certain moments. Apparently he was hoping that the gift opening would end in a fabulous crescendo, with the most fantastic gift coming from himself. The funniest part is that Mark is such a lousy gift giver. He’s always selecting things that he needs, or thinks someone else ought to need. How about that nice set of wrenches. “Gee, Dad, these wrenches might be a little nicer than the set you got me last Christmas. You can never have too many wrenches, or ski socks, or long underwear, or mittens.” Each time Will opened a gift that his dad had presented, Mark would look around the room to take in the admiring glances he was expecting.

Then, the minute the gifts had been opened, he whisked Will away to install the new components for his bike. Then he could direct the attention of the other partyers to himself, again. By taking Will outside to attach the new gadgets to Will’s bike, Mark was making sure that all the attention would not be on Will, but would stay on himself. Will kept asking to go back in the house to look at his other gifts, but Mark insisted that he stay outside to help him, and admire the special gifts that his dad had gotten him.

After Mark left, I asked Will if he’d had a good birthday. He explained that he wished he’d been able to hang with Jenny and myself more, but that his dad insisted that he stay outside. “Mom, how come even my birthday has to be all about dad?”

The World Revolves Around Me — Comments Off
13
Sep 09

You Can See ‘Em Comin’ From A Mile Away

I met a narcissist this weekend. I’ve been single, now, for three years. My family and friends keep asking me when I’m going to ‘get back out there’. I have to admit that I haven’t trusted my judgment. I’m an accommodator, by nature. What’s going to prevent me from getting back into another relationship with a narcissist? I’ve done my homework, but I’m still leery of repeating history. Up at my parents’ cabin, we’re all having fun playing cards with another friend. The kitchen door opens, and voila, there he is in all his glory. He was so self-assured that he didn’t even feel that it was necessary to knock first. He’s a long time friend of a family member. I’d only met him one other time, a long time ago.

He provided me with a whole bunch of clues, that in my old, uninitiated days, I would have totally ignored. He was impeccably dressed and coiffed for a guy who was by himself, out in the woods, on a weekend night. He’s going through a bitter divorce, and his ex is literally walking away from the gorgeous house, almost all the furnishings and the family cabin. (She’s desperate to leave.) He is completely clueless as to why she “just snapped.” He still loves her, and can’t see that he’s done anything wrong. He talked candidly, almost embarrassingly, about the details of their separation with a group of people that barely know him. Every one of his sentences was prefaced with, “I did …,” I am …,” I felt …,” “I have …,” and “I am going to …” He referenced his religion several times. (Typically, narcissists are very religious.) When someone attempted to get a word into the conversation, his response had nothing to do with what that person said. He had the stage, and didn’t plan on relinquishing that stage until he was done. He didn’t once take a breath or pause during his monologue to ask how anyone else had been or what anyone had been up to. He was handsome, charming, and completely thrilled with delighting us with his presence.

While he was going on about his life, a friend was standing behind him, facing me, motioning and pointing at the narcissist. Her eyebrows were raised, and she had a look on her face that clearly said, “Hubba Hubba.” I deliberately looked back at her and politely, but firmly shook my head, with a look that must have said, “NO WAY! NOT EVER!” Clearly, the friend was sucked in by his charm. I was almost repulsed by his presence. His behavior was all too familiar. When he left, the friend was stunned that I wouldn’t want to scoop him up and take him home. Been there.

By the next morning, I still hadn’t expressed any of my judgments about the previous night’s visitor. I didn’t allude to the fact that dating him would be history repeating itself. Mostly, I didn’t want to hurt the feelings of the family member that had known this fella for so long. I didn’t even bring up the subject. As we were standing at the wood stove cooking breakfast, my mom says, “So ….. another narcissist, huh?” I have to say that when she said that, I was able to erase all doubts about my ability to avoid another relationship with a narcissist. We have been through enough, and learned enough, by now, that we can see ’em comin’.

Continue reading →

The World Revolves Around Me — Comments Off
10
Sep 09

The Super Star

It was Jenny’s turn to be the Super Star of the week in first grade. That is a really big deal for a first grader. Her teacher set up a little revolving shrine for the Super Stars. The shrine would include some of the students’ favorite things, pictures, buddies, artwork, and notes from home. It gives the classmates a little glimpse into the home life of each kid, why they like certain things, and what their families looked like.

Jenny eagerly awaited her turn. She had already lined out the favorites that she wanted to bring to class. The teacher asked that she also include a couple photos of her family. Mark doesn’t get to the classroom often. He always said that anything to do with the kids and school was my job. I thought it was the right thing to do by letting Mark know that he may want to send a photo of himself to class with Jenny. We managed to get all the goodies to the teacher the week before Jenny would be the Super Star.

Jenny’s week arrived, and after the first day, she came home with some interesting stories about her dad. All her classmates wanted to meet him and see him in person. Jenny said he was the most popular dad in her class. I couldn’t imagine what could elicit such a reaction.

On the last day of Jenny’s week as Super Star, I found out why her father had become so popular. I picked Jenny up, prepared to bring home the items from her shrine. There, in the center of the display, was a 5×7 glossy photograph of bare-chested, grinning Mark, standing waist-deep in a raging river, wrestling a big fish.

What first grader wouldn’t be enthralled with a guy like that? Continue reading →

Quotes — Comments Off
1
Sep 09

The Actor As Narcissist

An actor’s a guy who, if you ain’t talking about him, ain’t listening.

Marlon Brando

Lack of Empathy / The World Revolves Around Me / You Might Be a Narcissist If ... — 26 Comments
30
Aug 09

Narcissists And Gift-Giving

Somewhere in the last week of January, 2006, Mark came home from work and emptied three plastic grocery bags on the kitchen counter. I could tell by the look on his face that he was quite proud of himself. With shoulders back and head held high he said, “Well, I’m not going to get in trouble on Valentine’s Day this year. I had to pick up some stuff for work, so I thought I’d get you crossed off the list.”

I said, “Wow, Valentine’s Day is three weeks away and you already got your shopping done.” All the while I was thinking to myself, geez you might wanna wrap something, or keep it hidden for a couple weeks.

No, he needed to bask in the glow of his accomplishment. And, he needed to get Valentine’s Day crossed off the list, so we could all get back to the important things, like making sure he was our top priority.

“Here,” he says, “your favorite chocolates. A nice big box of ’em. And there’s a card in there somewhere, too. Go ahead and find it and I’ll sign it when I get a chance.”

Will took one look at the box of chocolates and said, “Hey Dad, those caramel chocolates are your favorites. Mom likes that yucky dark chocolate stuff.” Continue reading →

Opportunistic — Comments Off
28
Aug 09

The Opportunivore

Out of curiosity, I Googled the word Opportunivore. The Urban Dictionary defines an Opportunivore as, “an individual who seeks food in any situation where no exchange of capital is needed.” I’ll take some liberties with that definition and change it to, “an individual who seeks adulation and admiration in any situation and assumes no reciprocating is needed.”

Narcissists are incredibly accomplished Opportunivores. Give them any situation, and they can make sure that it is all about them. Case in point, yesterday was the first day of school. In our little family, the tradition is to take pictures in the morning before school. Just the kids at home – no fanfare, no crowds, not in front of the school building. Mark opted to greet the kids at the school once class got out. That way he could be seen scooping up his beautiful children, and he could perform for an audience of admiring parents and teachers.

And today while I was relieving stress on the hill in front of the house, I noticed Mark and Will in Mark’s car. From my vantage I could see the car suddenly start and then stop with a lot of jerking and rocking. It turns out that Mark decided today was a good day to teach Will how to drive. Will is ten. I learned later that Will didn’t ask to drive the car. Mark made the suggestion.

I know how Mark operates. If he grants the kids special privileges, he gets rewarded with more admiration and attention. Apparently, he wasn’t getting enough attention from Will, so he grandstanded and suggested that this would be a good day for Will to learn to drive. Then, when they had completed the lesson, Mark scooped Will up for a “there’s my good boy” hug.

Do you see the contradiction there? Continue reading →