Posts Tagged: child of narcissist
13
Apr 11
Getting Away
17
Mar 11
homekeeping 7
Will is still struggling with images of ghosts entering his mind every night at bedtime. Jenny just cut five inches off her long blond hair.
I’ve been mopping up the mess as best I can.
I’m providing them with lots of distractions – there’s packing to do, new books to check out, sketch books and art supplies to gather and journals to fill.
We are leaving town in search of Spring and a new perspective.
I’m hoping some sun will warm our winter-weary bones, and heal our bruised psyches. Continue reading →
15
Mar 11
Ships Have Only One Rudder
Will is a compassionate fellow with a tender, sensitive side and a fearless streak that makes him charge down ski hills at a speed that launches him into powder and shrubs and stuff that he can’t see. Occasionally he checks out the landing before he jumps, but not always.
He’s like a lot of twelve year old boys in that he’s fascinated with the unknown, the risky, the adventurous and the slightly scary. Kids thrive within the safety of boundaries – set rules of behavior, established bed times, and defined expectations. That’s why they find it exciting to step just beyond those boundaries once in awhile. It’s thrilling to tempt fate, stay up late, skip school one day or ski out of bounds and brag to your friends.
When a child has a parent who doesn’t stand firm on boundaries, that child will have a tendency to feel untethered. There will be a need to talk about boundaries. He’ll have to ask and be reassured that the boundaries haven’t changed. That kid’s foundation is tilted. They don’t have a secure knowledge that they truly know where the lines are drawn.
It’s okay to discuss the latest slasher film on the chairlift with a buddy, when at the end of the day, that kid goes home with a parent who reassures him that he is safe and protected, and that the doors are locked and the bad guys can’t get him.
It is not okay to have your dad tell horror stories in the car as the day comes to a close on the way home, only to drop you off and say, “Hey, Buddy, I’ll tell you more scary stories next time.” Continue reading →
11
Mar 11
“Honey, Your Dad Lacks Empathy”
“Oh, sweetie! You should have seen the darling little eight year old girl who wanted to dance with me at the meeting. She had long curly blond hair, and a big beautiful smile. I know her parents. She came up to me, jumped in my lap and asked me to dance with her. She was a really good dancer, too.” Mark could hardly contain himself when telling Jenny of the story of the little girl who fell in love with him.
He quickly switched gears and said, “Jenny, honey, we’re getting ready to go. Shouldn’t you find socks that match? Let’s go look in your dresser drawer to see if we can find two socks that match.”
“Daddy, you told me to hurry, so I just grabbed the first two socks I saw. I’m wearing boots, Daddy. No one will see that my socks don’t match.”
“Isn’t that funny that you wear mismatched socks. Did you brush your hair today?”
“Yes, Daddy, I just brushed it.” Continue reading →
9
Mar 11
The Fire Tender
The leather gloves next to the stove, and the fire within, are the only indications of steady use. The wood stove is free of ashes, spent embers, bits of bark and any other signs of use, yet the fire roars continuously. The glass door is spotless as if he replaced it yesterday after he’d slammed the door too hard in a fit of anger and frustration.
It’s a difficult job keeping the fire stoked in an effort to heat the whole house and make sure his family sleeps warm in their beds. The house does not have a furnace.
As he sits in the broken rocking chair – the Throne of The Fire Tender – he contemplates the turns his life has taken. He ticks off the series of choices that led to his current position. Every winter night that he spends tending the fire, he has an opportunity to re-evaluate the decisions he made.
He validates some choices while picking apart others.
The list never changes. Continue reading →
21
Feb 11
Army of Love
“Mom, will you help me make a bunch of paper airplanes? I’m making an Army of Love.” Jenny showed me how to fold the paper, told me the color order and where the gas tank went, and we made 13 paper jets. As we were folding and coloring and giggling and talking of paper cuts, I asked her how she came up with the idea. “I dunno,” she said. “It’s a good idea. I think they should fly over the world dropping candy hearts, like little love bombs.”
While my daughter might have a fine imagination, she also knows of the practicality of forming an Army of Love. I don’t need to spoil the fun by saying, “Come on, Jen, do you really think there’d ever be such a thing? Wouldn’t it really be an Air Force of Love, even if it could be real?”
She’s exploring possibility through art and writing. She’s gotten a taste of the more unpleasant aspects of life. It’s good to balance that with the freedom to try, to imagine, to pretend.
It’s good to be free to wonder.
It’s good to be allowed to try, with the belief that anything is possible. Continue reading →
17
Feb 11
More from the YCMTSU File
*YCMTSU – You Can’t Make This Shit Up
One night in August of 2009 I was sitting cross-legged on our purple love seat with the laptop on the cushion next to me. I’d been writing on this blog for a couple weeks, and I realized I needed to name the characters.
My companion through college, two failed relationships, the laundry-list of jobs, and the births of my kids was a cat (soul mate) named Jesse.
I don’t know where I came up with ‘Blayne‘, but ‘Jesse’ and ‘Blayne’ sounded good together.
I went on to name my kids. Will‘s name was actually one of the names on the list that I carried in a backpack along with fuzzy socks, a journal and a toothbrush, to the hospital, on the day he was born.
Jenny‘s name isn’t directly tied to anyone. I like that name because it is sunny, happy and it doesn’t sound like the name of someone who willingly chooses to be a doormat – all things that I want for my daughter. Continue reading →
4
Feb 11
Narcissism Knows No Bounds
Jenny selected the shiny brown bowl circled by a ring of cobalt blue. She hoped I would love it, and I did. She was excited to give the bowl to me as a gift. The ceramic bowl is the perfect size for almonds or pretzels.
Her older brother makes some unusual pieces, and when he has a bunch of new bowls fired, we get to pick whatever he hasn’t set aside for others.
__________
Two days ago, Mark and Will came home from skiing. They told us of the adventures of the day, the trees they narrowly missed, the jumps they landed perfectly, and the ones they didn’t land so well. They made plans for the next skiing adventure and Mark headed for the door.
With his hand on the doorknob, Mark turned to me and said, “Hey Jess, you know that bowl that Jenny gave you – the brown with the blue stripe? Can I have it? I have a set of three and it matches my set. I know Jenny gave it to you as a gift, but I wondered if you’d mind trading that for a different piece so I could have a matching set of four bowls.” Continue reading →
1
Feb 11
Getting Good at Laughing
Nobody says you must laugh, but a sense of humor can help you overlook the unattractive, tolerate the unpleasant, cope with the unexpected, and smile through the day.
Ann Landers
28
Jan 11
In Other News
Monday, I received an email from Mark. In the email he told me that Jen and Will are truly amazing children, and he thanked me for doing such a great job raising them.
I know.
Hard to believe, isn’t it? Continue reading →
25
Jan 11
Wise Words from Wee People
Jenny: Tina has a quote on her bathroom mirror. It says…
Life isn’t about waiting for the rain to stop. Life is about learning to dance in the rain.
Will: I guess ski days with dad are like dancing in the rain.
24
Jan 11
The Jury’s Still Out
“Mom, how come Uncle John drinks so many beers? How come Grandma G doesn’t get down on the floor and play with us? How come dad gets mad at me for getting rocks in the grass? Why do we have to put all our toys away before dad gets home?”
Some of those questions are easier to answer than others. I could have glossed over some of the answers, or completely ignored some of the more difficult questions.
When my kids were little people learning to talk, figuring out that a lot of life was spent relating to other folks and not just their mom and dad, I made an instinctive decision to answer each and every one of their questions.
I made the choice to use other people’s actions and attitudes as learning opportunities.
My instincts also told me to use a respectful, adult voice when relating to my kids. Sure, there were times when we’d be snuggling or they’d be sitting on my lap, and I’d coo to them the way I sometimes feel that I’m biologically programmed to do. And, when they were sick, I’d use a sweeter, more tender voice. But for day-to-day interactions – discussing how to tie shoes, why you shouldn’t kick your sister in the butt with the pointy part of your cowboy boot, and why you may want to wait until you’re a 13 year old girl to roll your eyes – I’d use an adult voice. Continue reading →
19
Jan 11
The Proof is in the Fritos
Late Monday afternoon I had the opportunity to enjoy a guilty pleasure. My kids were gone. I got a break from being a role model. I sat at the table in front of my laptop reading blog posts, while dipping Fritos in chili.
It was a little slice of heaven.
Yes, that is a big deal for me.
__________
I can’t eat when I’m nervous. Continue reading →
3
Jan 11
homekeeping 6
It has been a while since I’ve written a homekeeping post. I miss the format – loose, random thoughts on where we are and where we are headed.
I just reread homekeeping 5 this morning. Wow. What a difference six months can make. Blood, sweat, tears and a lot of cussing later, and we seem to be in a good place.
Knock on wood.
It has been almost three months since Mark and I had the marathon chat session about the kids and his relationship with them. I did not perform miracles that day. It would be nice to say that I was able to reach him.
Honestly, I think Mark hasn’t changed one iota. Continue reading →
