I seem to smell the stench of appeasement in the air.
Margaret Thatcher
Posts Tagged: divorce
10
Dec 09
Who Cares What They Think
Our ski season starts tomorrow. It has been ridiculously cold here, and I’m not really in the mood to go on the first day. I think I need more time for my body to get acclimated to the change in temperature. At least that’s what I’m telling my lazy self. I’m 47 years old and I still ski. I’m not bragging. I’m just surprised.
When I was in 6th grade, the gym teacher told me that I really needed to go out for basketball. I was taller than most everybody else in the class. It made sense that I should be on the basketball team. However, I didn’t want to play basketball. But, because I was an accommodator-in-training, I tried out for basketball. I am a first born, and therefore, a relatively cautious individual. Back then, I was a cautious, first born kid, who was overly preoccupied with what other people thought of me. I was incredibly self-conscious. I may have been decent at basketball, but I didn’t want to make a fool of myself, so I didn’t apply myself. At the end of try-outs, the gym teacher politely told me that I might want to try out for track, instead. I didn’t try out for track. Since then, I’ve always said that I’m not athletic. And yet, I still ski.
Labels are funny things. Why do we let people put labels on us? And why do we so willingly put labels on ourselves? I have a step-brother who hasn’t worn a pair of shorts in 34 years. Some kid once told him he looked like he was riding a chicken. That’s all it took. My step-brother hasn’t worn a pair of shorts since 3rd grade. How come we don’t stand up for ourselves and believe in ourselves. Why don’t we say, “Yea? So what. I like riding a chicken! So there!” I’m always telling my kids (and reminding myself) that people aren’t really looking at you or caring about what you do that much, anyway. They are busy focusing on their own stuff. They might comment on what you are doing, but they move on pretty quickly.
I have been making some tough decisions lately. I think that decisions are more difficult when I keep factoring in the potential reactions that I’ll get from the people in my life. There is this constant chatter in the background. I can hear them saying, “You can’t do that. That’s not the way it’s done. Nobody else does it that way. You should do it like we do. You should be more like us. It works for us. It will work for you, too.” I want them to like me. But more and more, I’m realizing that it’s more important that I like me.
Each time I make a new difficult choice, I realize that I am being true to me. As the dust settles on these new choices, I’m getting closer to my goals of Health, Harmony and Creativity. It has taken a long time for me to realize that I am strong and smart. I can have my own goals. I can follow my own path. I think sometimes it is a bit uncomfortable when people in my life see me making choices that are so different from their choices. Maybe it makes them want to reevaluate their choices. It’s more likely that they are thinking I’m losing my mind. They think I’ve gone off the deep end. I choose to think that I’m just swimming in a different pool. Continue reading →
7
Dec 09
Comfy Shoes
To be happy, it first takes being comfortable in your own shoes. The rest can work up from there.
Sophia Bush
6
Dec 09
Sparkly, Silver, Strappy Slingbacks
“There’s my mommy’s wedding shoes.”
Jenny and her classmates have been earning pretend money since the beginning of the school year. They are rewarded with coins for their good behavior. Now that Christmas is upon us, they will have the opportunity to use the money they’ve earned. The teacher is setting up a little shop with donated items from parents. The kids will shop from these gently used and not-so-expensive new items. They can fill their little Christmas lists from the items in their Classroom Store.
I was helping the teacher set up the store. One of Jenny’s classmates was still hanging out at the end of the day. Trevor was pretty excited about the stuff he was seeing in the little store. He was wondering who might like the deck of cards, and who might like the mug filled with herbal tea bags. And then he looked at me and said, “There’s my mom’s wedding shoes!” He was so pleased and proud to point out the glittery silver shoes. He could hardly wait to see who would be interested in the shoes his mommy wore on the day she married his daddy.
Trevor’s parents are divorced now. I’ve seen them both at the school — separately, of course. They are one of the sets of parents that has asked the teacher to please schedule conferences individually. They despise each other and refuse to be in the same room, at the same time. I can’t imagine how they deal with the Christmas Program, since I’m pretty sure the school won’t be scheduling a separate showing for each disgruntled parent. Although, there are plenty of disgruntled, divorced parents. Perhaps a separate viewing for moms one day, and dads a different day is a good idea.
I haven’t been able to quit thinking about those silver slingbacks. They so sweetly represent all the hope and promise that Trevor’s mom and dad must have felt on the day they got married. They seem to embody the wish that all little girls have, to one day marry that prince charming and live happily ever after. And they also symbolize the little boys’ wishes to marry the beautiful little princess in the fancy shoes. Now, those shoes were laying amongst the unused potholders, trial sized shampoo bottles, and Dollar Store wrapping paper.
I still marvel at how the brain/spirit/soul works in all this. I include all three because I’m not sure which is responsible for the total disdain and dismissal that one feels for the ex-spouse. I still can’t figure out how it’s possible to so love someone that you think you can’t live without them, and then, at some point, you can’t stand to suffer through a 10 minute teacher conference in that wasband’s presence. Perhaps it’s only possible to get to that point because that person was never really loved to begin with? Who could handle the responsibility of knowing that another can’t live without you? It’s such a lovely, romantic notion, isn’t it — to have someone say they can’t live without you? Yet there are days when it’s all I can do to get dinner on the table, practice the spelling words and balance my checkbook. Then Rita, our chubby feline, rubs up against me, wanting something from me, and it sends me over the edge. I can’t be everything for everyone, let alone anyone. And no one should be expected to do that for me. Continue reading →
1
Dec 09
When To Pitch The Avocado
I’ve got leftover turkey to deal with. Not sure why I made a 10 pound turkey for the three of us. I knew, going into Thanksgiving, that Jenny wouldn’t eat any turkey. I made some noodle/turkey casserole thingee the other night. It was okay. It wasn’t anything that we’re dying to have again. I pitched the rest of that. Next I’ll try turkey soup. What is the compulsion to use every bit of the bird when I know that none of us are interested in eating any more of it? I satisfied the desire to prepare a traditional Thanksgiving meal. Why must I sentence us to boring meals until we’ve used every last bit?
I do the same thing with avocados. I buy a couple because they are good for us and some of us like them. I make plans and before I know it, the avocados have zoomed past ripe and landed right at gross. But avocados are expensive. I hate wasting them. I could buy cilantro and limes and make guacamole, but I’d be throwing good money after bad, in an effort to save what has gone bad. The guacamole wouldn’t be nearly as good as excellent guac made with perfectly ripe avocados.
I’ve done the same with a few relationships. I set out with the right intentions, only to have things go bad. Then I keep throwing good energy at it, hoping to make what is bad better. If a relationship is bad, I can throw all the positive spin in the world at it, and at the end of the day, it’s still just bad. I remember the counselor saying, “Put a positive spin on it. No marriage is all bad.” I was never quite sure how to put a positive spin on my continual failure as a spouse. You could dress me up, but I still couldn’t clean or cook well, as far as Mark was concerned.
I was talking to a dear friend yesterday. She’s at the end of her rope in a friendship with her neighbor. She kept giving her neighbor the benefit of the doubt. After three years of being a good listener and supportive friend, and getting the life sucked right out of her, my friend called it quits with her neighbor. And, because my friend is a really good person, she feels guilty about it. Isn’t that just how it is? Does the neighbor feel any guilt for taking and taking and never giving, during the entire length of that relationship? Who knows for sure. But, clearly, she took that love and attention for granted.
How are we supposed to know when enough is enough? When can we be done reinventing leftover turkey? When can we quit investing in a relationship that is not going anywhere? Who decides when and if it is time to quit? Do we wait for our partner or friend to make the decision? Can we get to the point where we honestly feel we have tried and given enough? When can we walk away with a clear conscience and hold our head high and say, “I did my best and it’s the best I can do?” Continue reading →
29
Nov 09
When Divorcing The Narcissist Isn’t Enough
Last night Will was so stressed, I actually resorted to giving him a Pepcid. That’s the first time he’s taken anything for an upset stomach. His stomach had been bothering him for two days. Coincidentally, his father had been over both those days.
I’m too familiar with this feeling. I have a stash of Pepcid for myself.
After both visits, Will started pacing, cussing and ranting. I’ve told him that he can write about what bugs him. We’ve lots of cryptic notes around the house.
“My Dad is an A hole.”
“F you dad.” Continue reading →
28
Nov 09
Promises
Those that are most slow in making a promise are the most faithful in the performance of it.
Jean Jacques Rousseau
28
Nov 09
Relationship 101
Speaking of good men … there is a good man in my life. Or at least there was. As of the last couple days, there is some question as to whether he is still in my life. As enlightened as I try to be, as whole as I want to be, as repaired as I pretend to be, I still don’t have a clue how to do this relationship stuff.
Narcissism Survivor or not, who amongst us does know how to do this relationship stuff? The person who could write THE guidebook on relationships would rank right up there with God and the first person to ever roast a coffee bean. Enough people have tried to write the definitive book on navigating the perils of relationships. I’ve read plenty of them. Either I’m a slow learner, or there really isn’t one primer that fits all cases.
Prior to leaving Mark, and for awhile after leaving him, I was convinced that I was never going to be in another relationship. Doesn’t everybody go through that? Sure, there are some who pass from one to another simultaneously, and they often readily admit their fear of living alone. But most of us need a good healthy breather before jumping back into the pool. I wasn’t looking when he came along. I was still focusing on how pleasant my life was, in the unencumbered state of divorce. I didn’t need anyone for financial reasons. I didn’t have a fear of being alone. Not like I was ever alone with two kids, anyway. I was coping quite nicely, in fact. I felt like I had the whole rest of my life ahead of me. I could do the projects I wanted, read what I wanted, travel to where I wanted, enjoy the hobbies that I liked. Okay, to be honest, there wasn’t much time for all of that because of being a mom. But I love being a mom, and it’s nice to think that when Jen and Will aren’t needing me as much, I’ll be free to pursue whatever my heart desires.
Then he came along. It started so innocently. We spent months getting to know each other online because we live in different states. It was perfect. Even if I desperately wanted to jump into a physical relationship with him, I was forced to take my time because of the distance. That was so smart, and so healthy. There’s a lot to be said for getting to know someone without the process being clouded by all the physical stuff.
That was two and a half years ago. In the meantime, there have been a few local guys that have called to invite me for coffee. I’m not one who enjoys talking on the phone. After a 45 minute phone conversation where a guy complains, non-stop, about his ex-wife, I’m ready to cut my left arm off. Let’s just say that there are a lot of people out there with a lot of issues. And my long distance friend continues to rise above. And I continue to screw it up. I am not spending any time worrying about whether he is a Narcissist. He’s the furthest thing from. I am spending too much time trying to figure out what my role is in a relationship. You mean I’m not supposed to do everything? Am I supposed to do anything? What should I do? I know I keep doing too much. I know I can’t shut up about it. I think I keep sabotaging things because I don’t have any faith. I’m positive that it will end badly, because that’s what history has taught me. Therefore, when things are fabulous, I set out to mess them up, just so I can get the inevitable over with. Continue reading →
26
Nov 09
A Great Marriage
A great marriage is not when the perfect couple comes together. It is when an imperfect couple learns to enjoy their differences.
David Meurer
26
Nov 09
Survivor Humor
I heard this the other night and I immediately asked if I could use it. I’ve been thinking about how well it would tie into the next post I was planning to write. Just now I realized that this is worthy of a stand-alone piece.
Let me say, first of all, that I know that the world is populated with really good men. A lot of those good men also happen to be good fathers and good husbands. My brother and step-brothers, my cousins’ husbands, husbands of friends — all of them are stellar examples of fine men. They are the get-down-on-the-floor and play, bath-giving, diaper-changing, nose-wiping, up-in-the-middle-of-the-night kind of fully involved dads. And they are the kind of men who see that marriage is a partnership that requires lots of sacrifice and compromise. I know that a good man is not a mythical creature.
Having said that, I still wonder how it is that I managed to marry a Narcissist when there are some damn fine men out there. I know all the factors that steered me in the direction of Mark. No point in beating myself up about it.
The kids and I are looking forward to ski season. When I met Mark, I was the more avid skier. He was eager to get out and do more downhill skiing, so we enjoyed several ski seasons together before Will was born. I’ve heard the stories, and seen firsthand, how there are husbands out there who take turns. They actually opt to skip out on fishing or hunting or skiing trips because they have children. Mark was of the mind set that the raising of the children was my job. And on the weekends, it was still my job. There was never any discussion about the possibility of skipping a day of skiing or, heaven-for-bid, babysitting Will so that I might hit the slopes. It was just understand that when children are introduced into the relationship, the wife’s life changes, but the husband’s remains the same.
Recently Will was asking me why it is that I never go fishing anymore. Apparently, Mark kindly pointed out that when I used to be fun, I would actually go fishing. I explained that I used to enjoy flyfishing a lot. In fact, his father and I took up the sport together. Then I went on to explain that when Will was born, it fell on me to stay with the kids so that Mark could still fish. Jenny is now getting to the age where we could all fish together. But it’s been a lot of years, and I’m a little rusty on my casting. I’m going to find a good way to explain to Will and Jenny that there are men out there who take turns. That means that sometimes the whole family goes fishing, and the dad hangs with the kids a bit while the mom fishes, and then the mom hangs with the kids. You get the picture. It’s a novel concept. But, I’ve heard that it works. Continue reading →
23
Nov 09
Willpower
It’s not that some people have willpower and some don’t. It’s that some people are ready to change and others are not.
James Gordon
23
Nov 09
Leaf Therapy
I ended up raking leaves today. The wind had done a good job, but there were still quite a few leaves in the back yard – probably has something to do with the fencing.
The sky was gray, and the air had that feeling like the clouds were getting ready to unload their piles of snow. It lent a certain urgency to the raking. I kept telling myself that a cup of coffee would taste that much better if I got one more chore crossed off the list.
__________
I remember after 9/11, I was cleaning my kitchen and thinking, “God, I’m so lucky, I get to clean my kitchen.” It seemed that I shouldn’t allow myself to complain about chores when so many would never be able to complain again. I felt like that while raking leaves today.
I’m lucky that I can rake. Continue reading →
21
Nov 09
Quit Wanting
What if we quit wanting? What if we accepted what was in front us? What if we quit wanting things to be different? What if we set out to change what wasn’t working, and then learned to accept what is just fine?
What if we quit wanting to change our partner, our children, our jobs, our house, our neighbors, and our co-workers?
What if we made the best of what we had, instead of opting for what might be better?
What if we quit wanting better or best, and came to love what might very well be quite good enough?
Can that be done if you are in a relationship with a Narcissist? Continue reading →
18
Nov 09
Crossing Paths
Jenny is bummed because her closest friend is drifting away. Last year they were in the same class. This year they are in different classes, and while we arrange for the girls to get together outside of class, the relationship is definitely changing. Jen doesn’t understand why Hailey isn’t interested in the same things anymore. Jen wants to know why Hailey doesn’t listen anymore. That’s tough for a 2nd grader. And it’s tough for a 2nd grader’s mom.
But the issue with Hailey opened up an interesting conversation for the three of us. I was trying to explain to Jen and Will about friendships and relationships, in general. I’ve gotten that email about friends, a couple times, now. You know the one — it talks about how some people come into your life briefly, some come into your life for awhile, and some come into your life to stay.
I was trying to explain to Jen that she and Hailey had paths that were headed in the same direction for awhile. They liked the same things, told the same secrets, and giggled at the same time. That was lovely for awhile. But people change, and sometimes their path takes them in a different direction. That’s not a bad thing. It’s a little sad, because you still wish that person’s path was along side yours. But it’s exciting to think that you will be bumping into another person, who may be on the same path as you. And then, at some point, your path will change, and you will veer off in a new direction. I wanted them to see that they should be happy that their paths intersect with other paths for lots of reasons. They should see the benefit of those crossings and not be so blue when the paths head off in new directions. They get to take all the things they learn, and all those shared experiences with them on their own new path.
Of course, that led to my talking about how Mark and I were on the same path for awhile. I wanted them to understand how grateful I am that my path crossed with Mark’s. If it hadn’t, there wouldn’t be Will and Jenny. Naturally, they both wanted to know why my path wasn’t the same as Mark’s anymore. I started to give them that tired old excuse about how people grow and change, and blah, blah, blah. But my kids are pretty visual. I wanted to give them something that would drive the point home. I explained that Mark and I were sort of driving down this path, but it was like we were in two separate cars. I guess I wasn’t comfortable in his car, and he didn’t particularly like my car. His car was fancy and pristine. His car was very organized. You couldn’t drink coffee in his car or eat Goldfish Crackers in his car. Booster seats never really fit properly in his car. My car had plenty of room for booster seats, graham crackers, granola bars, wipes, bikes, stuffed animals, books, papers, crayons, and frisbees.
One day, as we were headed down our path, side-by-side, in our two separate cars, it was like my hand involuntarily (or maybe not so involuntarily) yanked on the steering wheel, my car went out of control, and I crashed right into his car and caused a seriously messed up demolition. I reminded them of those cool demolition derbies that they see on T.V., where the car is totally trashed, but the driver jumps out, arms in the air, grinning from ear to ear. I tried to explain that I had been ready for a new path for awhile. I wasn’t happy traveling that same path with their dad anymore. In order to head out on a new path, I made the choice to not be married to their dad any longer. I pointed out that divorce is a lot like a demolition derby. There’s a lot of messed up cars, but usually everybody walks away intact. Some drivers, of course, come out of the derby much happier than others.
