divorce « Surviving Narcissism

Posts Tagged: divorce

When The Narcissist Has Kids

the pond My life changed the day I gave birth to my first child. “So tell me something new,” you must be thinking. But if you are a narcissist, you can’t say that. If you are a narcissist, you don’t want to say that your life changed the day you had kids.

Before having children, your life is confined to a nice, tidy boat. Sure, the boat can get tippy. Sometimes the boat can even take on water. Most of the time, if you are lucky, you float your boat, and watch the world from inside, without too many disturbances. If you are really lucky, you have children and your boat capsizes. You end up swimming in the warm, crazy pond of life. Some days you can barely keep your head above water. Some days you float on your back and enjoy all that the pond has to offer, but you never leave the pond for the safety of the boat.

And you don’t want to.

The arrival of children may rock the narcissist’s boat, but the boat never capsizes. Narcissists control their boats very well. They will experience inconveniences periodically, but basically, their boat remains intact.

I was in labor with Will for 22 hours. Labor started at 11:00 p.m. on a Sunday night. I jostled Mark a little, told him it had started, but that I would go downstairs so he could continue sleeping. At 4:00 a.m. he got up to get ready to go to work. When he was leaving he said, “Just hang in there until 8:00 a.m., because I should be done with everything by about then, and I’ll be free to take you to the hospital.” Continue reading →

Quotes — Comments Off
9
Oct 09

Happiness

Happiness is not a matter of intensity but of balance and order and rhythm and harmony.

Thomas Merton

Moving On — 21 Comments
7
Oct 09

No One Believes You

A couple weeks ago the kids and I went to Starbucks for a rare treat. I saw an acquaintance that I’d not seen since I had left Mark. The fellow commented on how he hadn’t seen me in awhile, and he guessed that I was focusing on raising kids.

I explained that I was divorced, and that my circle and routine had changed.

I enjoy seeing the looks on the faces of those who are just discovering that I am divorced.

This fellow said, “On the list of unexpected news, your divorce is tops. I would have never guessed that would happen to you. You always made marriage look easy.” With coffee in hand, he walked out shaking his head.

__________ Continue reading →

Opportunistic / You Might Be a Narcissist If ... — 2 Comments
4
Oct 09

You Can’t Make This Stuff Up

boots were made for walkin' The day the three of us packed our boxes and moved out of Mark’s house was also my Grandma’s 90th birthday. There was a gathering at the nursing home, and the kids and I loaded the boxes in the car, and headed to the birthday party. That sounds bizarre. The fact that we put the boxes in the car, and went on with the plans of our day was a real indication that my mind was made up. I couldn’t put the decision off because of a 90th birthday party, so we packed and went to the party.

My dad was there. He’s a real piece of work. There’s a whole blog’s worth of stuff to say about my dad. And because there are divorces and re-marriages in my family, there were current spouses, ex-spouses, and ex-ex-spouses at this affair. I am not close with my dad, and I don’t see him often even though we live in the same town. A relative once told me that my dad had mentioned to her that he had seen me crossing the street downtown and there were two little kids with me. My dad actually asked the relative who those kids were. He had met them, of course, but he has so little to do with us that I think he sometimes forgets that I have kids. Anyway, I didn’t want him to be the last family member to know that I had decided to leave Mark, and I knew I wouldn’t be seeing him again, any time soon, so I figured I’d find a moment at the party to quickly explain my plans. The kids and I were getting ready to leave the party, so I asked my dad if I could talk with him out in the hallway for a second.

We go out into the hallway and I tell him that I’ve decided to leave Mark and that the kids and I would be staying at mom’s for awhile. He looks at me, his eyes well up with tears and he says, “You go back in there and you tell Mary that she should have never left me.” I couldn’t help it, but I heard myself say, “Huh? Mary? Mary who left you six years ago?” And he sobs, “Yeah, Mary has no idea how she hurt me. You go tell her to come out here and talk to me.”

I just walked away and let him stand there feeling sorry for himself. I wanted to say, “I’ll be fine, dad. Don’t worry about me, dad. Don’t worry about Will and Jenny, Dad. We’ll be just fine. We don’t need anything.” But all I could do was walk away. You have got to admire the kind of talent, skill, cunning, whatever you want to call it, that someone has to have to turn another person’s hardship into something that is all about them.

Moving On — 2 Comments
3
Oct 09

My Declaration

My mom is trying to help. She loves me and her heart is in the right place. She recommended that I pick up the book by Steve Harvey called, ‘Act Like a Lady, Think Like a Man’. Am I the only woman offended by this title? I’ve admitted that my goal was to be a wife and mother, but I did not agree to erase my personality. And I wouldn’t want a guy who can’t appreciate my femaleness as much as I appreciate his maleness. Why does it seem that every popular relationship book has women adapting themselves to suit a man? I just read this article about improving your relationship by not talking about it. There’s a ton of research out there about how guys don’t like to talk about feelings and relationships, so if women want a relationship, they better talk to their girlfriends about it, not their guy. How about all the research that says women need to talk about feelings and relationships? Where are the books that say that if a guy wants a relationship, he better at least try to utter something about how he feels? Forget it. Once again, we are to adapt ourselves to them. They don’t have to, shouldn’t have to and will not adapt to us. Wouldn’t it work if there was a compromise somewhere? What if I agreed to not always have to talk feelings, and he worked on once in awhile listening and not running away from anything to do with feelings?

Here’s my declaration:

1. I will not stifle who I am to get a man. I will be emotional and enjoy all the feelings that I have. I will be wholly female and revel in it.

2. I will not change what I look like to get a man. I will like the way I look (at least most days) and know that I am looking my best. Looks never last anyway.

3. I will watch football if I want to. I will golf when I want to. I will ski as fast or as slow as I want to. I will read when I want and talk on the phone when I want and watch tv when I want and cry when I want. Continue reading →

Quotes — Comments Off
1
Oct 09

Having Time

Time is a created thing. To say, ‘I don’t have time,’ is like saying, ‘I don’t want to.’

Lao-Tzu

Child of Narcissist / Lack of Empathy / Moving On / Seeing My Path / The World Revolves Around Me / You Might Be a Narcissist If ... — 6 Comments
21
Sep 09

Forgiveness

I have one of those screensavers on my laptop that displays all the photos in My Pictures. I still have all the photos from when we lived with Mark. Others have commented that it’s a little odd that I haven’t removed them. That screensaver provides a lot of entertainment for Will and Jenny. It’s like having a whole bunch of photo albums at their fingertips. Their dad is still a huge part of their lives and they get a great deal of enjoyment out of the photos.

If it pains me to see pictures of Mark, then I haven’t moved on.

The other day I walked by the laptop and saw a nice photo of Mark with one of the kids. I thought how sad it is that he misses out on the day-to-day stuff with Will and Jen. As an accommodator, it is easy to lose sleep over stuff like that. That’s why it took me so long to leave.

I felt sorry for Mark over many issues. I felt sorry for him because of his upbringing. I felt sorry for him because of the distance between himself and the rest of his family. Was I going to feel sorry for him for the rest of my life? Naturally, there was a point when I was too mad to feel sorry. But mostly, it is sad that NPD prevents him from really knowing his kids. NPD prevents him from having any healthy relationships.

There is so much written about forgiveness. We’ve heard it all about how the only one who is hurt when you hold a grudge is yourself. Continue reading →

Child of Narcissist / Control / Moving On / Seeing My Path — Comments Off
4
Sep 09

Individual Moments of Peace

This evening I sat for a spell on my front porch. We are enjoying the last few days of our summer, and today was particularly gorgeous. I see an image of me hanging from the letter r in the word summer, by my fingernails. I can’t let go of summer quite yet, there’s still a bit of juice left.

I was perched on the porch, feeling like I was suspended above myself.

Not a religious or zen thing, but a brief moment of stillness.

Those still moments can feel familiar, and foreign, all at the same time.

The temperature was perfect. Continue reading →

Child of Narcissist / Moving On — 3 Comments
25
Aug 09

Enlightenment

It had been about six weeks since the kids and I had moved out. Mark and I were still going to counseling. At one point, he told me that he was convinced that my leaving was a temporary thing. He figured I’d get a little space, have a chance to miss him, and come running back with the realization that he was the best thing that had ever happened to me.

He believed I would come to my senses and see what was best for all of us, especially Will and Jenny.

I hadn’t completely given up, but I knew things would have to change dramatically before I would give any thought to the possibility of moving back.

Somewhere during this time I had picked up a copy of Real Simple Magazine and read an article about narcissism. I vividly remember handing my mom the magazine and telling her to read the article. “Mom! She’s talking about your parents.”

Moments later, mom hands back the magazine and says, “Honey, this is your husband.” Continue reading →

Child of Narcissist / Lack of Empathy / Parenting — Comments Off
18
Aug 09

Safety

friends My son returned safely from an adventure with his father.

This morning they left to go hiking and fishing. I hate these days. I feel like I’m holding my breath the whole time he’s gone. When he returns, I greet him with open arms and excitedly ask about all the fun that was had and hope for details without prying too much.

There are two schools of thought about how to handle parenting when one parent is a narcissist. One school strongly urges that there be NO visits. I belong to the school that suggests that the children need tools for dealing with a narcissistic parent. These adventures and visits are teaching my kids a lot. But, there is always the issue of safety.

A narcissist completely lacks empathy for others. Their dad doesn’t recognize that they may be frightened or nervous or uncomfortable with exposure on the side of a mountain. He’s only thinking of himself, so their emotions aren’t part of his reality.

The other point is that the children are simply extensions of the narcissist. If the N loves to show the world that he is the bravest pilot or the fastest skier, then his children must be brave, fast and fearless – whether they are, or not. Continue reading →

Lack of Empathy / Moving On / You Might Be a Narcissist If ... — 6 Comments
15
Aug 09

Narcissism and Counseling

turbine Somewhere during the time that I left my marriage and discovered Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD) I was going to a marriage counselor. We actually went to counseling as a couple. My ex didn’t put a lot of stock in counseling. He’d tried during his first marriage and wasn’t impressed.

(Obviously it didn’t take, since I was his second marriage.)

Things had to get pretty bad before he would agree to go with me. When he finally agreed, he said he was going to discuss my issues, since he didn’t have any issues, and wasn’t doing anything wrong. I didn’t hold out a lot of hope that anything would change, since that was his attitude going into the sessions.

Now, after educating myself in all this narcissism stuff, I often wonder how the counselor didn’t catch it. How come he didn’t see all the signs? On the one hand, I’m glad I’m not the only one who was dazzled by my ex’s charms. I’d hate to think that I was the only idiot who was blinded by his charisma. But I really thought that someone trained in disorders would see through the charm.

During each of our sessions, my ex would speak in his typical condescending, patronizing tone. It was as if he was saying, “I’m just patiently going through the motions because you will soon discover that there’s nothing that I need to change. It will become clear that you have all the problems. You will realize how fortunate you are to be married to me. You will see that you are making things difficult for yourself. I will be here for you to adore, once you come out the other side and confess to all that you’ve done wrong.” Continue reading →

Moving On — Comments Off
12
Aug 09

Leaving

suitcase I didn’t know that I was married to a Narcissist when I decided to leave. I wish I could tell you what the last straw was. When I think back to that sunny Saturday in July, I try to find where my head was. It’s not like I had gone to bed the night before, with a plan. I have never been the kind of person to leave and come back, break up and get back together. It feels like crossing a bridge. Once I’ve crossed the bridge, I don’t go back.

On that morning, I had reached a wall or a limit. I grabbed three boxes, and handed each kid a box, keeping one for my self. I told them to put their most favorite things in their box. I told them that we wouldn’t be staying at this house anymore. I made a game out of it – no long faces, no lengthy explanations.

We were going on an adventure.

He walked in while we were packing and asked what we were doing. I explained that we were packing boxes for moving. Without hesitation he asked, “Do you want me to get the truck to help you with the boxes?”

(Weeks later I found the courage to tell him that I had always hoped I had the kind of marriage where, if I decided to leave, my partner might actually attempt to come after me. I know that contradicts the “crossing the bridge” explanation. It’s not that I would have actually stayed. But I really thought/hoped I might have been asked to stay; that this person might have cared enough to try to get me to stay.) Continue reading →

Control / Lack of Empathy / The World Revolves Around Me / You Might Be a Narcissist If ... — Comments Off
9
Aug 09

Prioritizing

old window I spent a lot of time reading the literature about Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD). It’s good to arm yourself with the tools that help you deal with a narcissist. There’s a lot written about how narcissists need to have their narcissism fed. Constant admiration and adulation is food to a narcississt. In the absence of that adulation, they will find a new source.

When thinking of narcissism, I always pictured a tree searching for water. It has to have water for survival. Some trees send roots deep into the ground. Other trees, like aspens, have shallow root systems. Narcissists have shallow root systems. They are never loyal to one source. They don’t trust their partner to always feed them, so they turn to their kids or their employees or a new lover.

I had moved out. I had purchased my own home. The kids and I were settled.

A year had gone by and he informed me that he was irritated that he was no longer my priority. That was always an issue when I lived with him. No matter how my life would get turned upside down, no matter what I cooked for him, or how I cleaned for him, or the relationships I ended so as to have more time for him, he’d always complain that he wasn’t my priority. And now that I wasn’t even living under the same roof with him, he still couldn’t believe that he wasn’t my priority.

Imagine a person having that thought. Then imagine that person actually putting that thought to words – “Why am I no longer your priority?” Continue reading →

Control / Lack of Empathy / Moving On — 14 Comments
8
Aug 09

The beginning …

110208-0231 This is the beginning.

This is where I start to sort out what it means to survive narcissism. I am still coming out on the other side of this relationship. I’m not sure anyone knows how long it takes to make sense of the experience. Maybe I will always attempt to make sense of it. But with lots of humor and the help of great friends, I’m beginning to see what I’ve learned, and what I continue to learn about why I ended up in a relationship with a narcissist.

Now I can say that it continues to be an entertaining journey. I’m not sure I would say that if I hadn’t gotten out. When I was in the relationship, I was too busy looking at the trees to see the forest. From this new perspective, the forest isn’t scary anymore. And the trees weren’t that difficult to cut down. I’m braver than I thought I could be. Now I can see that those trees were comical, not menacing. I’m sure it sounds crazy when I say the trees were comical, but if I hadn’t laughed at the bizarreness of those episodes, I’d still be there, struggling for my next breath.

I gained a lot of confidence from educating myself about this disorder. This blog helps me to vent, make sense of, laugh at, and maybe even help someone else. This blog will not be clinical, or negative, or cynical. There is a time when a survivor needs to commiserate, and feel sad, and lick wounds. This blog is about how crazy, funny, insane and ridiculous it is to live with a narcissist. It is that humor that made me realize that my relationship was not normal. His behavior was too strange. It was not because I continued to screw up. His behavior WAS NOT NORMAL. I’ve got a lot of stories. Maybe those stories will shed some new light on this disorder. At any rate, it’s always good to share stories with other survivors. There’s nothing quite like that moment when a survivor looks at you and knows exactly what you are talking about because they’ve been there. There’s nothing quite like the feeling of having all this craziness understood by another in a way that only happens if that person has experienced the same thing.

Revision (2/5/10) Continue reading →