Posts Tagged: gentle reminders

Parenting / Random Observations / Stories — 2 Comments
20
May 14

The Hungry Boy

the hungry boyI was cutting grass, head down, thinking about how the warm weather had finally gotten here as he wheeled around the corner on his scooter.  I looked up to see a seven year old wearing a wrinkled, too small t-shirt and an expectant look on his face.  I quit cutting and said, “How are you this morning?”  He bounced in place, hopping on and off his scooter, “I’m okay.  I wish I could play with my friends that live over there.”  He pointed to a house a few doors down.  “I bet you do.  Maybe they like to sleep in on Saturday mornings.  A lot of folks do that.  It feels good, don’t you think?”  He looked at me as he thought about it, “Yeah, I guess it does.”

And because I wanted to get my chores done so I could play in the sun, I went back to cutting the grass.  Out of the corner of my eye, I could see him watching me until he gave up and went back home.

 

A few minutes later, I heard the sounds of a basketball being dribbled around the corner.  The sound kept getting louder.  I’m ashamed to say that I didn’t look up at him.  I can give you all the reasons why I didn’t.  I’m not convinced that I could justify my reasons.

I kept cutting grass with my head down, listening to the basketball, afraid to strike up another conversation.  If I chatted with him, he’d end up hanging in our driveway, drawing chalk smiley faces, eating cinnamony toast and finagling an invite to lunch.  Only that’s not what he was hungry for.  I know what he was hungry for.  He was hungry for attention.  Why else would a seven year old bounce a basketball in front of a middle-aged woman that he didn’t know – for what seemed like five solid minutes? Continue reading →

Random Observations / Spirit Guides / Stories — 4 Comments
9
May 14

When History Repeats Itself

Margaret's pie server“Margaret, just a skinny sliver.  Please!  I wish I’d never discovered the deliciousness of your pies.”

Margaret chuckled and handed Gladys a plate with the smallest slice of lemon meringue.  “Gladys, why do you still worry about your figure?  Is that not one of the bonuses of being on this side?  By the way, dear, what is your favorite kind?”

“Well, are we talking pie or men?”  Gladys laughed as she watched Margaret wince.

“Oh, my!  Well, I never.  Well, sometimes I do.  Oh! listen to me.  I’m all flustered and Jon and Basil aren’t even here.”  Gladys wiped the pie server on a cloth.  “Since you brought it up, dear, what is your favorite kind – or is it type – of man?”  Margaret fanned herself and adjusted her apron.

“Relax, Margaret.  The guys won’t hear us.  And so what if they did.”  Gladys dabbed the corner of her mouth with an embroidered napkin. “In my experience, women and men have a type.  No matter how many relationships they may have, their partners usually fall into the same category.  Maybe he prefers brunettes.  Maybe she prefers the quiet type.  He needs to be mothered.  She keeps trying to find the guy just like her dad.  We all have a type.”  Gladys reached for her bag to find a cigarette. Continue reading →

Child of Narcissist / Kids are People / Parenting — 6 Comments
3
May 14

Show Them the Love You Want Them to Find

still life with terra cottaDear Jesse,

I like how you set out to read more and then started reading more. I watch you walk into the library. I know you are planning to look for some fantasy fiction or maybe a good mystery.  I see you standing in front of the ‘New Books’ section. I see your eyes scanning the shelves. I watch as your hand reaches up to grab yet another non-fiction about narcissism or relationships or parenting.

Dear heart, you’ve read enough. You’ve seen the patterns. You know that the reason you keep ending up with narcissists in your life is because that’s what you learned as a kid.

Yeah, I know you are gun-shy about getting into a new relationship. That’s certainly understandable. All the reading in the world won’t prepare you for the next time. Your heart will know when it’s time. I can’t tell you how a new relationship might turn out. That’s not my job. It’s your job to get out there and keep trying.

When you are ready to try again. Continue reading →

Child of Narcissist / Moving On / Quotes / Random Observations — 6 Comments
28
Apr 14

Let Go

let go

Let go or be dragged.
          – Zen Proverb

 

She read the quote again.  She closed the laptop and walked over to the peely-paint cupboard that held art supplies and construction paper.  What color should she pick?  She settled on purple.  She looked for a marker in the Kerr jar on the kitchen table.  She wanted something bold – a marker that would yell.  She found a juicy dark blue and purposefully wrote the quote.

She taped the quote next to the others that read:  That is not my journey, NMP – not my problem, and No steamrollers!

As she re-read the quotes, she visualized a thick twisted rope.  The strands of rope were different colors, twined together to make a rope as thick as her wrist.  Each color represented something or someone that she’d allowed to drag her to where she found herself today.

 

The black represented every one-sided, caustic, demanding, life-sucking relationship she’d ever been in – the narcissists.

The charcoal symbolized her limiting self-talk.

The brown represented her expectations – going as far back as childhood – about what she thought her life would be.

The grey stood for definitions of who she was – assigned to her by others.

The burnt orange represented her lack of self-confidence.

The dark green was every negative, gossip-filled conversation that she hadn’t had the guts to excuse herself from.

 

She looked back at the quote.

 

Let go or be dragged.

 

She wondered where she’d be if she hadn’t allowed that rope to drag her where she is today.  She laughed and told herself, “Well, that’s a waste of time.  You could spend the rest of the day wondering where you could have gone, or you could pull out a pair of scissors and cut that rope apart.”

The burnt orange was the first to go, followed by the grey and the dark green.  The brown was the most fun to cut.  She ceremoniously snipped the brown and felt her mood brighten.  There would be new doors to open once she locked the door on expectations.

The charcoal would take some effort.  She’d have to sharpen the scissors for that one.  Limiting self-talk had been her constant companion.  With sharper scissors, she began to snip the threads of the charcoal strand.

She snipped – “You’re not good enough.”
She cut – “You’re an inconvenience.”
She removed – “Why aren’t you more like everyone else?”

She saw charcoal threads scattered on the floor at her feet.  She noticed that the charcoal strand was tightly connected to the black strand.  She kept cutting.

 

The black strand was the thickest – requiring more than a pair of scissors.

 

As of this writing, she’s still hacking away at the black strand.

 

Let go or be dragged.

Random Observations / Spirit Guides / Stories — 4 Comments
17
Apr 14

“Why Are They So Angry?” – Part 2

Margaret stood with a nearly empty pie pan in one hand, and a pie server in the other.  “Hm…  why are men so angry?  Basil, you better help Jon with that one.  I’m not sure I know the answer.”

Gladys fingered the beads of her necklace.  “I’ll take a stab at that one, if you don’t mind, Basil.  I’m guessing men are angry because the women of today don’t need them like the women in my generation needed men.  Men don’t feel essential.  They want to be needed, and today’s women are bending over backwards to prove that they don’t need men.”

“Oh my!  You might be right, Gladys.  Pie dear?”

“No thanks, Margaret.  What do you think, Basil?  Do you think I’m close on that one?”

Basil reached for his thermos.  “I’m gonna need more coffee for this one.”  He poured some in his cup and passed the thermos to Margaret.  “I don’t know much about men wanting to feel essential, as you put it.  I don’t know if that crosses a man’s mind.  I never woke up in the morning and set about wonderin’ if I was essential.  But, I did feel better when I had a purpose.  I liked having to take care of my family and keep the roof over our heads.  So maybe you are right.  I felt needed and that meant that I mattered, and that felt good.  Not that I would admit to that, since in my day, men never talked about their feelings.” Continue reading →

Random Observations / Spirit Guides / Stories — 2 Comments
2
Apr 14

“Why Are They So Angry?”

pots in west window“Have you noticed the anger coming out of them?  They are all mad.”  Gladys reached into her beaded bag for a cigarette.

Jon squirted oil on his bearings and gave the wheel a spin.  “Why are they so angry?  They’re alive.  Isn’t that enough to keep ’em from being mad?”

“You’d think so, wouldn’t you, Jon.  But all of them are angry.  Some of them keep the anger bottled up.  Some of them explode at the first provocation.  It’s a shame, really.  And by the way, I’ve made some fresh pie today – French Silk.  That was my husband’s favorite.  I made French Silk for every one of his birthdays.  In fact, I often made him French Silk when he was angry about something.  That’d do the trick every time.”  Margaret reached behind to re-tie her flowered apron.

Jon put down his board and walked to Margaret’s side, “My mom made a chocolate pie.  Is that what that is?  I’d love some.”  He takes a slice and leans against a grave marker.  “So, Gladys, what are they mad about?”

Gladys exhales and says, “It’s more about who they are mad at.  They are mad at their boss, or their boyfriend.  Most often they are mad at their husband.  A lot are mad at their mother or father.  Hell, they’re mad at everyone.” Continue reading →

Moving On / Seeing My Path / Words Got Her Home — 10 Comments
7
Mar 14

To Whom It May Concern

You’ve fortified your boundaries.  You carry the cheat sheet in your bag.  Your backbone is stronger than it’s been in years.  You have a teetering stack of journals that proves the value of writing out your thoughts.  Most days you’ve moved so far beyond those old hurts that you can’t even remember the specifics.

And then it happens again.

He says something that cuts to your very core.  That one button is pushed – the one that only he can push.  The button you thought you’d melted and discarded months ago.  How does he find it?

You get off the phone and you shake your head.  Maybe you shake your head hard enough to erase the thoughts from your brain.

  Continue reading →

My Minimalism / Parenting / Quotes / Random Observations — Comments Off on The Legacy
24
Feb 14

The Legacy

“Normal is getting dressed in clothes that you buy for work
and driving through traffic in a car that you are still paying for –
in order to get to the job you need to pay for the clothes and the car,
and the house you leave vacant all day so you can afford to live in it.”
– Ellen Goodman
 

Forty years later, we’ll step off that hamster wheel and wonder if it’s worth it.  We’ll turn to our kids and start to say, “Hey, I dunno if this is such a good idea.”

They won’t hear us over the din of their own spinning wheels.

Child of Narcissist / Parenting / Tools — 2 Comments
3
Feb 14

Helping Kids Set Boundaries

helping kids set boundariesA child’s world is full of boundaries – boundaries designed to keep her out of harm’s way and help her get along in society.

“Stay on this side of the fence.”

“Don’t go beyond the hill.”

“Don’t play in the street.”

“Keep your hands to yourself.” Continue reading →

Child of Narcissist / Control / The World Revolves Around Me / Tools / You Might Be a Narcissist If ... — 5 Comments
11
Jan 14

Leaving or Staying*

a colorful lifeThe kids were standing at the check-out with the next books in the Percy Jackson series and I was taking in the beautiful quilts on display at our public library.  I didn’t need a book.  I was part way through three different books and I knew I didn’t have the brain space to start something new.

One quilt caught my eye.  It was suspended over the “New” books section, so I walked over to get a closer look.  The quilter had a great sense of which colors go well together – purples and teals – and a good eye for negative space, which isn’t easy to do in a quilt.  I turned to meet up with Will and Jen and I noticed the book.  It jumped out at me.  It was probably the word – narcissist – that caught my attention.

I could find that word in a haystack.

I’d been thinking that I’m all done with reading about narcissism.  Time to move on.  I’ve learned enough.  But… the title intrigued me.  It referred to my role in these relationships with narcissists.

Perhaps I have more work to do. Continue reading →

Child of Narcissist / Moving On — 5 Comments
3
Jan 14

You Are Wonderful, but …

OLYMPUS DIGITAL CAMERAYou are wonderful!

You are kind and talented and smart and courageous and funny and caring.

 

You may even be gorgeous with a sense of style that magazines try to capture.

You might have worked long enough to get that hard body that some women crave. Continue reading →

Postcards From a Thriver / Random Observations / Tools — 2 Comments
24
Dec 13

A Gift

a giftThe gift – a small, tightly wrapped package – arrived on her doorstep.  She looked up the street to see who might have left her this surprise.  She saw no sign of the giver.

She slowly untied the bow, all the while wondering what could be inside, and who could have left her this gift.  She tore at the wrapping and opened the box to find layers of white tissue paper.  She parted the sheets of tissue to find a smooth stone.  The stone was flat and round and coolly fit in the palm of her hand.

She discovered letters carved on one side of the stone.  The message read, “That is about you.”

“That is about you.”

She said it over and over again in her mind. Continue reading →

Random Observations — 6 Comments
6
Dec 13

On Disconnecting from Thoughts and Other Radical Attempts at Self-Care

winter basketThe package arrived around Thanksgiving.  Had I been looking out the window at the time of delivery, I’d have seen the mailman straining under the weight of the over-sized box.  He’d have had my permission to drop it on the front porch as there was nothing fragile inside.  I’d have liked to have heard its loud thump when it hit the wooden planks.

I avoided opening the box for several days.  For the first full day, I left the box on the porch – out in the cold.

I knew what was inside from the return address – my own.

 

On the third day of avoidance, I noticed that someone or something had slit along the packing tape.  The contents were leaking out.  At first, they leaked with a slow trickle.  By day five, I was paddling upstream in a flood. Continue reading →

My Minimalism / Random Observations — 8 Comments
2
Dec 13

The Care and Feeding of Your INFJ During the Holidays

Your INFJ at the HolidaysAren’t you lucky?  You have an INFJ in your life.  That means that while you’ll never completely understand what makes her tick, you’ll never be bored, and you’ll always know that she highly values the relationship she has with you.

Let’s try to make the holidays easier for you and for her.

 

Parties

This one is easy – invite her to parties.  Your invitation might sound like this, “Hey, I’ve got this party thing and I’d love for you to go, but I know you’d rather die, so I’m inviting you with the understanding that you like the invite, but you have no intention of going, and I’m cool with that.” Continue reading →

Random Observations / Spirit Guides / Stories — Comments Off on What Happened to Christmas?
18
Nov 13

What Happened to Christmas?

december snow“What happened to Christmas?”

“Don’t you mean, ‘What happened to Thanksgiving?’  Didn’t there used to be a holiday somewhere in there between Jack O’ Lanterns and Christmas trees?  You remember, don’t you?  That holiday that brought everyone together for turkey and pie.”  Basil pours a cup of coffee and hands it to Gladys.

Margaret slides the pie server under another piece, “Oh, I always did love Thanksgiving.  I think that holiday was my favorite.”

Jon rolls to a stop on his skateboard, “My fav was Christmas.  Yeah….  for a kid of divorced parents, Christmas rules.  All their guilt turns into way too many Christmas presents for me.  Gotta love that.”

“Jon, dear, you know that isn’t what Christmas is about, don’t you?”  Margaret hands Jon a sliver of pie. Continue reading →

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