“There’s no such thing as certainty.”
“Take it one day at a time.”
“People grow and change.”
“Forever is for Twinkies and the winter of 2010-2011.”
“There are no guarantees in life.” Continue reading →
Posts Tagged: life
10
Apr 11
Lessons From the Road
I haven’t been in a hurry to get back to this place. My brain still feels like it’s coming off of a shot of novacaine.
The lights are on, but no one’s home.
Before the numbness wears off and I lose the sweetness of escape, I need to jot down a few notes about why it’s good to get away.
- There’s no point in going if I don’t like what I come home to. Escaping only makes real life more difficult to handle and harder to swallow. (You may be surprised to hear that we are happy to be home.)
- Leaving for awhile gives me the ability to see the forest instead of the trees I keep running into. The trees seem less daunting from a distance. It’s good to get away to get the big picture.
30
Mar 11
It’s My Vacation and I’ll Cry If I Want To
I took my mess with me on vacation. You see, I am my Mess.
I bought Allison Nazarian’s book. I hoped to read it on vacation, from cover to cover. I enjoyed the first three pages between cocktails, horseshoes, walking, badminton, washing dishes generated from fabulously cooked meals, riding bikes, driving around to see all there was to see, putting band aids on blisters, making more cocktails and playing that game where you throw the golf balls on the strings at the frame made out of pvc pipes.
I scrambled to make sure that I kept my kids happy, my mom happy and my man happy.
My stepdad can fend for himself.
God bless that man.
Midway through the week, at 2 a.m., I found myself on the fast train to a crying jag. Apparently, accommodators should not attempt to please more than three individuals at any one time, without risking total collapse. I was in dangerous territory. Continue reading →
17
Mar 11
homekeeping 7
Will is still struggling with images of ghosts entering his mind every night at bedtime. Jenny just cut five inches off her long blond hair.
I’ve been mopping up the mess as best I can.
I’m providing them with lots of distractions – there’s packing to do, new books to check out, sketch books and art supplies to gather and journals to fill.
We are leaving town in search of Spring and a new perspective.
I’m hoping some sun will warm our winter-weary bones, and heal our bruised psyches. Continue reading →
7
Mar 11
Keep Your Tips Up – Twelve Life Lessons Learned on the Ski Hill
It’s still snowing on top of eight fresh inches of dusty powder. The only sounds are from the yips of elated skiers and boarders, or the carving of their boards as they pass by. I’ve got all my layers on and my face is covered. Will is in a class. Jenny is appropriately bundled and capable enough to cruise behind me without my having to frequently check over my shoulder to see if she needs an assist.
This is the closest I get to unencumbered, but this is better because I’m having fun with my kids. I’m not cooking for them, or folding their clothes or reminding them of their work lists for learning or refereeing disagreements.
We are in our element.
As my skis glide through wide, arcing turns, my lungs expand with deep breaths. Each completed run acts like an eraser on the chalkboards in my brain. As each chalkboard is wiped clean of to-do lists or my continual monologue of what I should be improving or doing differently, my mood improves.
When I’m not laughing on the chair with Jenny, I’m playing tag with her on a run. In the lodge, we can be seen giggling with Will while we devour spicy tacos and deep bowls of chunky chili. Will eagerly tells us of the jumps he finessed and the moguls he annihilated. Jenny and I assure him that he’s not missing anything by not skiing with us, other than a game of tag and squeals of laughter on the chair. Continue reading →
3
Mar 11
Playing the Part of the Stand-In
This morning’s Twitter stream included a tweet from @AlisaBowman:
Today’s Mantra: I am the star of my own life. I play a supporting role in the lives of others.
Her tweet was the cold shower I needed this morning. It was the wake-up call that I’ve been ignoring, or another 2×4 to the side of my head.
After reading Bowman’s tweet, I gave serious thought to my relationship history. I thought of the role I play in my own life, and in the lives of those closest to me. I have mastered the role of the supporting actress in my romantic relationships. The minute I fall in love, I willingly assume the role of CEO of Support.
If he needs me to bolster his confidence, remind him of his talents, say the right words in the middle of the night to allay his fears, clear his calendar for those important seminars, provide timely servicing to help deal with his stress, shine his shoes or gas up the car, I am the girl.
Meanwhile, I take a quick glance back at my life only to see that the lead role is left vacant. I occasionally make an appearance as stand-in, but I haven’t been starring in my own life.
There was an actress in that role at one point. I knew her several years ago. I’ve seen glimpses of her recently, but she’s yet to completely inhabit the role of lead actress in her own motion picture. She acts the part of mom real well. She’s all-consumed by that role, but she hasn’t fleshed out the rest of her character.
When I read Bowman’s tweet I realized that I’ve been so busy supporting others, I forgot to be the lead in my own life.
I want my shoes shined, and my passions encouraged, and my fears allayed, and my tank filled. I want to know what it’s like to support myself, as much as I’ve supported others. I want to know what it’s like to get top billing. I want to roll out the red carpet for myself, for a change.
If this has to be a one-woman show, then so be it.
**Bowman’s site is Project Happily Ever After, a treasure-trove of proven ideas for helping troubled marriages.
1
Mar 11
Goulash, Good Books and Colin Firth
My grandma called it goulache (goo-lah-key). She didn’t use paprika like they do in a genuine Hungarian Goulash. My version is more of a whatever’s-in-the-kitchen-pantry variety. It’s a take on spaghetti sauce only the vegies are chunkier and the sauce is wetter. I always make a big batch so as to have some to put in the freezer. It’s great to have extra on hand for ski days or those days when I’m not wanting to go to the store, which happens to be just about every day.
Goulash is my ultimate comfort food. Since Winter doesn’t seem to be in a hurry to turn to Spring, I’m fixing Goulash and reading by the fire.
To the kids, I’m reading more in the Merlin series – The Seven Songs of Merlin, by T. A. Barron.
For my own enjoyment I picked up a copy of Molly Ringwald’s, Getting the Pretty Back. It’s light and funny; she references lots of the stuff from my high school days; and she doesn’t take herself too seriously – just what this weather calls for. Reading her book is like spending the day at the spa with a girlfriend, sipping lattes, and then wrapping up the day with wine, dinner, freshly painted toes and a cheerier outlook.
Goulash in the Red Pot Continue reading →
25
Feb 11
The Paper Chair
I walk by this chair multiple times a day. I’ve swept the dust bunnies of cat hair away from the rolled paper legs. I’ve straightened the legs after one of us has cut the corner too tight and clipped the edge of the chair on our way to the kitchen. Each time I walk by, I wonder what it might be like to be light enough to sit down on this delicate chair.
I picture my spirit sitting on this chair with a white cup of tea.
Lately, my spirit has been heavy.
__________
Jenny made this chair while I was shoveling snow for the 57th time this winter. I’d have been kicking rocks while I was yammering about the weather, only all the rocks were buried under eight inches of new snow. While I was shoveling, Will was snowboarding on the fresh snow that blanketed the park across the street. I could here the gliding sounds of his board. Every now and again, I’d hear him yelp with excitement when he’d nail another epic kicker. I thought to myself, how can anyone have that much fun in this weather? It’s 9 degrees outside. How can that be a desirable way to spend an afternoon? Continue reading →
23
Feb 11
Notes on Advice
Please give me some good advice in your next letter.
I promise not to follow it. Edna St. Vincent Millay
When a man won’t listen to his conscience,
it’s usually because he doesn’t want advice from a total stranger. Lindsey Stewart
Advice is what we ask for when
we already know the answer but wish we didn’t. Erica Jong
The only thing to do with good advice is pass it on.
It is never of any use to oneself. Oscar Wilde
A word to the wise ain’t necessary,
it’s the stupid ones who need the advice. Bill Cosby
I promise not to follow it. Edna St. Vincent Millay
When a man won’t listen to his conscience,
it’s usually because he doesn’t want advice from a total stranger. Lindsey Stewart
Advice is what we ask for when
we already know the answer but wish we didn’t. Erica Jong
The only thing to do with good advice is pass it on.
It is never of any use to oneself. Oscar Wilde
A word to the wise ain’t necessary,
it’s the stupid ones who need the advice. Bill Cosby
21
Feb 11
Army of Love
“Mom, will you help me make a bunch of paper airplanes? I’m making an Army of Love.” Jenny showed me how to fold the paper, told me the color order and where the gas tank went, and we made 13 paper jets. As we were folding and coloring and giggling and talking of paper cuts, I asked her how she came up with the idea. “I dunno,” she said. “It’s a good idea. I think they should fly over the world dropping candy hearts, like little love bombs.”
While my daughter might have a fine imagination, she also knows of the practicality of forming an Army of Love. I don’t need to spoil the fun by saying, “Come on, Jen, do you really think there’d ever be such a thing? Wouldn’t it really be an Air Force of Love, even if it could be real?”
She’s exploring possibility through art and writing. She’s gotten a taste of the more unpleasant aspects of life. It’s good to balance that with the freedom to try, to imagine, to pretend.
It’s good to be free to wonder.
It’s good to be allowed to try, with the belief that anything is possible. Continue reading →
17
Feb 11
More from the YCMTSU File
*YCMTSU – You Can’t Make This Shit Up
One night in August of 2009 I was sitting cross-legged on our purple love seat with the laptop on the cushion next to me. I’d been writing on this blog for a couple weeks, and I realized I needed to name the characters.
My companion through college, two failed relationships, the laundry-list of jobs, and the births of my kids was a cat (soul mate) named Jesse.
I don’t know where I came up with ‘Blayne‘, but ‘Jesse’ and ‘Blayne’ sounded good together.
I went on to name my kids. Will‘s name was actually one of the names on the list that I carried in a backpack along with fuzzy socks, a journal and a toothbrush, to the hospital, on the day he was born.
Jenny‘s name isn’t directly tied to anyone. I like that name because it is sunny, happy and it doesn’t sound like the name of someone who willingly chooses to be a doormat – all things that I want for my daughter. Continue reading →
14
Feb 11
When Will We Get There?
We see a lot of roadside memorials in this part of the West. We often drive long stretches between destinations, and it is not uncommon to see several death markers en route. I can’t remember when I first asked my mom what they were, but those markers are as much a part of any drive as wheat fields, mountains, deer and blue sky. Often, the crosses are adorned with plastic flowers or wreaths or ribbons.
I’d never actually witnessed an individual decorating their loved one’s cross. I’ve never seen a new cross being put in place to honor the victim of a fatal car crash.
__________
On the way home from the ski hill, grandpa piloted the car with the three grandkids. I imagine he got ears full of stories of jumps, gooey cheese fries, bruises, near crashes and other amazing tales of the day spent on the slopes.
I enjoyed a grown up conversation with my brother as we followed behind in a separate, quiet rig. Continue reading →
2
Feb 11
Adjusting My Lens
I can’t deliver a swift ass-kicking to Mubarak, save all those children and spread a blanket of calm and peace over Egypt.
I can’t reverse the path of the Cat 5 cyclone currently heading for Australia.
I can’t warm up the temps, or remove all the snow from the Midwest.
I can’t save Polar Bears or Fringed Campion or Bog Turtles or Ocelots from complete extinction.
I can’t resolve the argument over baby-wearing or convince everyone that breast feeding is best.
I can’t make my garage door work reliably in sub-zero temps.
I can’t fix Mark.
…
I can teach my daughter how to crochet friendship bracelets.
I can train my cat to stay off the dining room table.
I can keep the wood stove burning and keep the nest cozy for my kids.
I can teach my kids math and history, a love of reading, and how to remember who is collecting which cards in Screwie Louie.
I can re-train my brain to find the happier grooves, and hit play.
I can hit pause when my brain tends to like to land on the sad grooves.
I can show Jenny and Will what it takes to be a good friend, by teaching them how to email or address an envelope.
I can show my kids how to save their money for stuff they really want, instead of wasting it on Hubba Bubba and Mountain Dew.
I can have a hot meal on the table when Will comes home from skiing with his dad.
I can show Jen and Will how to listen to each other, acknowledge feelings and then tease and laugh and move on without sinking into a funk.
…
As much as I care about others, and about what is going on in the rest of the world, I can’t do anything to help.
I can focus on my own little world and make a difference here.
1
Feb 11
Getting Good at Laughing
Nobody says you must laugh, but a sense of humor can help you overlook the unattractive, tolerate the unpleasant, cope with the unexpected, and smile through the day.
Ann Landers
