Posts Tagged: life

Child of Narcissist / Control / The World Revolves Around Me / Tools / You Might Be a Narcissist If ... — 12 Comments
27
May 10

Beauty Through the Act of Loving

imperfect-beautyYesterday’s post was about beauty and insecurity and denying who I am.  It was a difficult post to write.  I’m not even sure where it came from.  Getting that necklace in the mail was akin to jamming a stick of dynamite in a dam that I didn’t even know existed.  Feelings, emotions and tears started flowing, and they weren’t going to stop.  Apparently, they haven’t stopped yet.  I’m not done with the topic, and I’m convinced that this flood is sending me further down the path that I’m supposed to be on.  The tidal wave of emotions is pushing me faster, and I’m not afraid.  In fact, I can’t wait to see how far it takes me.  This is another exercise in authenticity and speaking truth.  Both of those expressions are over-used.  But if we set out in search of those things, with integrity, the pursuit of authenticity and truth gets us closer to who we are meant to be.

warning:  I took a challenge to write 2500 words today.  I’ve never struggled with coming up with the words.  I usually cut myself off in an effort to make my post more manageable (less tiresome).  This will be LONG.  Get a cup of tea, a glass of wine, or a milkshake, or skip it all together and haunt one of your favorite, less wordy sites.

So in response to my ‘beauty’ post, I got some warm, loving, complimentary comments from dear friends and dear family.  I didn’t want it to appear that I was writing that post to fish for compliments.  I guess I’m a better fisherwoman (why isn’t fisherwoman in spellcheck?) than I thought.  (I can cast a fly line pretty well, but I never catch much.  I can put a worm on a hook, but I’m usually busy sipping my beer, and I don’t see the tug on the pole.)  The comments were extraordinarily nice, and they made me very uncomfortable, just as any kind of compliment has always made me uncomfortable.

And as I was responding to my intelligent, beautiful cousin this morning the pistons in my still sleepy brain fired and I was hit by another thought.

(‘Beautiful’ and ‘intelligent’ are descriptors for all the women who commented on my post yesterday.  Thanks Mom, Donna, Lucy, Kate and Jessica.  I’m sure these apply to Jessica, even though I don’t know her well.  Yet.  Just as they apply to all the women that I am proud to know.) Continue reading →

Moving On / Quotes / Tools — Comments Off on Beauty
26
May 10

Beauty

Nothing makes a woman more beautiful than the belief that she is beautiful.
Sophia Loren
Child of Narcissist / Lack of Empathy / Moving On / Seeing My Path / You Might Be a Narcissist If ... — 14 Comments
26
May 10

Free To Be Beautiful

blossomsI can’t remember if I ever thought I was pretty.  I have a vague recollection that I felt beautiful, for the first time, when I held my newborn babies.  I was swollen, blotchy, sweaty and exhausted, but I felt beautiful.

I have spent a lot of years denying my femininity.   Along the way, I received  messages that I heard as criticisms of femininity in general, not just my own femininity.

In college, I hated my body and hid behind baggy Levis and un-tucked, too large flannel shirts.  The older I got, the more I looked at makeup, painted nails and dyed hair as superficial wastes of time.

I made excuses for being sensitive and emotional – feelings typically attributed to femininity.  I tried to hide those feelings.

If people were going to like me, they were going to like the plain, unmade-up me – the unemotional me. Continue reading →

Child of Narcissist / Control / The World Revolves Around Me / You Might Be a Narcissist If ... — 2 Comments
25
May 10

Narcissism and Lip Service

Wikipedia defines lip service as an idiom meaning giving ‘approval or support..insincerely’.  Lip service is not the sole domain of narcissists.  We all give things lip service.  “I’d love to meet you for lunch.”  “Love that new haircut.”  “Of course, those pants don’t make your butt look big.”  “Your new boyfriend is very charming.”

__________

Mark was dying to see the kids when we returned from vacation.  He has since tried to see them every stinkin’ day.  We have not received any sort of formal wrap-up from the counselor on where we are headed in terms of how all parties might try to better get along. The kids are acting like, “Whoa!  Hold on a minute.  What has changed?  Why so many visits, so soon?”  Is it silly to even expect a wrap-up from the counselor?  I’m still not real sure what we were trying to accomplish with the counseling sessions.  I get the feeling that Mark was making a show of working on things.  He now thinks that we are believing that he is working on things.

Cross that off the list.

Resume regular visits. Continue reading →

Moving On / Tools — 4 Comments
23
May 10

Fear and the Holding Pattern

cabo-views“Will the rest of your party be joining you?”  “It’s too bad your dad couldn’t come with on your vacation.”  “Father couldn’t join the family on the cruise?”  “Shall I wait until the rest of the family gets here?”  To the last comment, I politely smiled and said, “This is the entire family.”  I started to wonder if the cruise ship passed through some sort of Mexican Riviera version of the Bermuda Triangle and dropped us right in the middle of 1950.

I didn’t realize our little family was viewed as being that unconventional.  But I started looking around at the other passengers, and I’m pretty sure that I was the only single mom traveling with kids – make that, the only single parent.  There were plenty of singles, but none with kids.

So while I was sitting by the pool on the “Mariner of the Seas” cruise ship, watching my kids splash in the pool, being served my afternoon T & T, I thought to myself, “Why aren’t more single parents cruising?”

Cruises provide a great return for your vacation dollar.  (Ick.  I sound like a commercial.)  They offer fun, entertainment and an opportunity to relax and meet new people.  And, in my limited experience, they are the BEST WAY to vacation as a single parent.  I didn’t have to drive or plan or cook or entertain or decide or do anything but put them on the boat.

Then I realized that single parents (moms) aren’t cruising because of fear.  Hell, single moms probably aren’t even vacationing because of fear.  What else are single moms (or single parents) keeping their families from doing because of fear? Continue reading →

Moving On / Quotes / Tools — Comments Off on Trust
21
May 10

Trust

Trust yourself, then you will know how to live.
Johann Wolfgang von Goethe
Child of Narcissist / Moving On / Tools — 10 Comments
19
May 10

The Flow Has A Plan

caboWhen I tuck Will in at night, he wants to know how many pages he should read before he turns out the light.  He wants to know the plan for the next day.  He wants to know if he will be allowed a cup of coffee.  He wants to know what we’ll be doing for learning work, if he’ll have time to golf,  and what we’ll be having for dinner.  (I should clarify that he doesn’t need any kind of approval from me on all these things – pages read, golf time.  But some things like coffee and dinner and learning work, he does need to hear from me.)  When I tuck Jenny in,  she is busily putting jammies on her Barbies and barely makes eye contact long enough to say goodnight.

On a spectrum that has “Go with the flow” on one end, and “Make a plan” on the other, my kids anchor the two ends, and I float some where in the middle.

None of our positions is perfect.  But it is my continual pursuit of harmony in the home that makes me try to get us all to live together while acknowledging where we are on that spectrum.  We often remind Will that sometimes the best things happen when you ‘play it by ear’.  And we are often working with Jenny on her time management.  If left to her own devices, she’d never make an appointment on time because she gets wrapped up in a project and can’t drag herself away.

When planning this cruise, I checked into all the different excursions.  The ages of the kids bumped us out of most of them.  I figured this was our first cruise together and we would get the feel for how things work, and not make specific plans for the port days.  The night before Cabo, Will wanted to know what to expect.  I told him we would get up, have breakfast, play mini golf and ping pong, shop for a souvenir, have lunch and get off the boat and explore Cabo.   I left the ‘explore Cabo’ part wide open on purpose.  That was enough of a plan to let him relax and let the day unfold.  It wasn’t so much of a plan to make Jenny feel rushed or like she couldn’t just hang.  And anyway, I didn’t have the foggiest idea of what we might do in Cabo.

The morning we pulled into Cabo San Lucas was warm and sunny and full of promise.  Will needed to know what that promise would be.  Jenny didn’t care so long as it was going to be fun.  It was up to me to present an option that would please all parties. Continue reading →

Child of Narcissist / Moving On / Tools — 4 Comments
18
May 10

Vacation Zen

portholeWe are home with new freckles on our noses, brown shoulders, sand in our backpacks, some handmade Mexican necklaces that we’ll probably never wear, a new t-shirt for Will, three new stuffed animal buddies for Jen, some nice pictures and a much-needed attitude adjustment.  I saw plenty of people squeezing ginormous sombreros into the overhead compartment on the plane.  Instead, I came home with a stack of plates on my head.

Not really.

But yesterday morning, after my first night’s sleep in my own bed, I realized that I was afraid to open my eyes.  I was afraid that if I woke up in my bed, in my house, in my town, that all the relaxation, calm, and peace from vacation would seep right out the open windows.  I just knew that if I kept my eyes tightly closed that I could hang on to that vacation zen.  But my desperate attempts at hanging on to the zen were, in fact, messing with the zen.  I needed to find a way to ease back into ‘normal’ life while keeping the calm and the peace.

So I visualized walking through my day with a whole, uncooked egg in my pocket.  That would require that I not be rushing, that I not get flustered, that I approach everything gently and deliberately.

And then I visualized the smashed egg in my pocket. Continue reading →

Child of Narcissist / Homekeeping / Moving On / The World Revolves Around Me — 2 Comments
8
May 10

homekeeping 4

I still have to pack, but my toes are painted, fake tan is applied, kids’ hair is cut, the single plant that we do have is watered, and the fridge is empty.

It’s time for vacation.  Even the very word, ‘vacation’, is delicious.  Just saying it makes the tightness in my shoulders melt.  The minute it rolls off my tongue, I swear I can smell sunscreen and feel sand in the waist band of my swimsuit.

Not taking my laptop means I’m not taking the blog with.  It sorta feels like leaving one of my kids behind.  Jen and Will are delighted that I won’t be hiding behind a computer screen.  They are unbelievably supportive of the time and attention I devote to the blog.  But it’s time that they get all of me for a few days.

We can’t head off without updating you.

__________ Continue reading →

Child of Narcissist / Lack of Empathy / The World Revolves Around Me / Tools — 2 Comments
6
May 10

Trail Guide

“I’m afraid that whatever I write will make this worse.”  That was the start of Jenny’s assignment today.  Yesterday afternoon, the counselor called to set up an appointment for a Friday session with Mark and the kids.  She asked that we agree to have Mark pick the kids up and take them to the appointment.

Will and Jen are not at all thrilled about riding to the appointment with Mark.  I think the lack of contact has made them even more uncomfortable with their dad.  I can see why the counselor wants them to ride with Mark.  She wants to see what the kids are like, when they aren’t washed in my influence.  And I agree with her.  Even though I’m trying to be very diplomatic with this process, they will pick up on my energy.  We are too tight for that not to happen.

Will is currently penning an 11 year old’s version of  The Grapes of Wrath.  He hasn’t taken any breaks to ask for a cup of coffee or swing a club.  He has completely embraced this assignment.  His paper starts with, “What Bugs Me About My Dad.”

I wanted to help them vent their frustrations by turning this into a home school project.  They’ll have more material to discuss at the counseling session, and hopefully they will be able to unload their hearts a bit.  Perhaps this assignment will calm them and guide them during tomorrow’s appointment.

They’ll head back into Narcissism Country with their own trail guides.  I’m going to cover them in body armor and stick little virtual spray cans of mace in their hands. Continue reading →

Child of Narcissist / Lack of Empathy / Moving On / The World Revolves Around Me / Tools / You Might Be a Narcissist If ... — 8 Comments
5
May 10

Hiking in Narcissism Country

It’s a bad idea to walk through rattlesnake habitat in flip flops.  It isn’t advisable to hike through grizzly territory with bacon tucked in your back pocket.  Children should never be left unattended in mountain lion country.

Once, even though I knew better, I walked through a dry, stubble field in Teva Sandals.  The one time I did, I came within 6 inches of a rattlesnake.  I was lucky, but there’s no excuse for not being prepared, for not using my brain, for being cavalier about what could be lying in wait.

The same goes for narcissism.

I am chin deep in narcissism country.  I know the game switches with each conversation.  I know his attempts at manipulation.  I know how he contradicts himself, sometimes within the same sentence.  I know when he has set a trap.  I know how charming he can be.

The least I can do is keep my wits about me.  I would be foolish to ever let myself forget how the ground shifts in Narcissism Country.  Hikers must always take enough provisions, and familiarize themselves with any potential wildlife threats. Continue reading →

Child of Narcissist / Control / Lack of Empathy / Moving On / The World Revolves Around Me / You Might Be a Narcissist If ... — 3 Comments
4
May 10

Update on the Counseling Process

We haven’t heard a word from Mark.

The kids and I talked over the weekend and came up with a proposal.  We wanted to suggest a visitation schedule that we could live with.  Mark has indicated that he would like to see them more frequently.  The kids say, “Absolutely Not.”  We think we’ve come up with something to appease Mark.  We hope that he will see that a few visits are better than nothing at all.

See?  There we go hoping again.

Yesterday morning I called Mark and ended up leaving a message.  I selected what I hoped sounded like an encouraging/positive voice.  I told him that we were looking forward to talking to him after his counseling session – which was yesterday.  I asked him to please call us so that we could discuss how to proceed from here.

I called again in the afternoon.  No answer.

Now what? Continue reading →

Moving On / The World Revolves Around Me / Tools — 4 Comments
3
May 10

Do It

He was walking and pacing, too agitated to sit still and get involved in the conversation.  Every once in awhile, he’d check on the kids to make sure they weren’t getting out of hand.  He’d try to sit down and join in, but he’d last for about 5 minutes, before getting up and walking to the other end of the house.

She was sitting at the table, eyes blank, pressing the bridge of her nose in a vain attempt at stopping a nagging headache.  Occasionally she glanced in his direction to see if he’d found a place to settle in.  I could tell that his pacing was making her headache worse.  She was stopping herself from asking him to, “Please.  Please just sit down.”   She wasn’t contributing to the conversation.  Either she didn’t have anything to say, her head was killing her, or she just wanted to be somewhere else.

And the other couple appeared to be similarly disconnected.  She was sitting, seemingly holding court, chattering endlessly as if by continuing to talk, she’d be able to let off the steam from all her nervous energy.  Her eyes would dart from one person to another, looking for some indication that what she was saying was mattering to someone.  She had this panicky look like she was afraid that she might run out of words, before finding the one thread that would connect her to someone in the room.

And her husband had stopped listening years ago.  He was going through the motions of tending to the children.  Watching the kids provided him with the escape he needed, so he wouldn’t have to sit and listen to his wife’s endless chatter.  His eyes appeared like they might not be focused.  He was on auto-pilot.  Check the youngest, keep her from putting that object in her mouth.  Find the oldest and remind him to share.  Back to the youngest to grab the offending object.  Back and forth.  And his wife didn’t seem to notice that he and the kids even existed.

And no one connected.  In fact, their restlessness made it impossible for them to connect.  And if asked, they wouldn’t be able to tell you the last time they had connected.  They might try to suggest that they connect with their kids.  Or they’d say that they try to connect with their spouse, but that their spouse isn’t trying to connect with them. Continue reading →

Postcards From a Thriver / Random Observations — 9 Comments
1
May 10

A May Day Surprise

lilacsWe’re sending you a May Day Surprise.  Since it’s a ‘virtual’ gift we can put in whatever we want – even if it’s not in season.

We’ve created a parchment cone with a twine handle.  The parchment is a golden, brownish sort of sepia color and it’s relatively sturdy so that it can hold up to the twine that is looped through the holes on either side.  The cones aren’t perfect, but they are full of love and sweetness.  Some of the points of the cones are a little dented, and there might be too much twine hanging loosely where it’s knotted at the sides.

We’ve tucked in snipped twigs of the most fragrant, plump blossoms of lilacs.  The colors range from the lightest shade of lavender to a deep, almost burgundy shade of purple.  Here and there, Jenny poked in a few daisies, and Will tucked in some Italian Flat Leaf Parsley.

We’ve just hung this cone at your door.

This is Will’s favorite part… we’ll ring the bell and run.

You’ll set down your coffee on the way to the door and wonder, “Who could be stopping by today?”

You’ll open your door and be pleasantly surprised to see this funny little paper cone full of flowers.  You’ll scoop up the cone and wonder, “Who left this here?  This must be some kind of mistake.  Who would bring me fresh lilacs?”

__________

 

Then you’ll remember that it’s the first day of May.  You’ll remember being a child, in grade school, when the sun was starting to warm the playground.  The teacher had told you about how kids used to dance around a May Pole.  At recess, you stood in the sun to warm your shoulders, discovered the tether ball pole, and tried to picture what it would be like to dance around a May Pole with a wreath of flowers in your hair.

__________

 

With the cone of flowers in hand, you’ll walk back into the house, and sit down at the kitchen table.  You’ll breathe in the deep scent of  lilacs.  Then you’ll discover the note card.  On the envelope it says, “For You”.

for-you

You can hardly wait to open the envelope.  Inside you’ll find a tiny card that says, “Someone is thinking of you today.”

Child of Narcissist / Lack of Empathy / Moving On / Tools — 11 Comments
30
Apr 10

It Is What It Is

The original title for this post was going to be, “The Good, The Bad and Reality”.  I let myself whirl about in another tailspin after receiving a letter from Mark on Wednesday, and then a lovely phone call from him yesterday morning.  When I got off the phone, I felt the messed up stomach that I’d lived with for years.  But more importantly, I felt the walls of our home – our little sanctuary – close in around us.  It’s the way a mouse must feel when caught in one of those “humane” traps.  Those are the traps you get if you want to catch them, but not kill them.  But the problem with those traps is that you forget to check them, so the mouse ends up dying this slow, agonizing death by starvation.

I can think of a handful of times when, after a conversation with Mark, I have felt fear.  I didn’t feel frightened that he might hit me, or throw me against a wall.  Nor have I lost sleep over the possibility of Mark raising a hand to Jen or Will.  I can’t seem to find words to describe the feeling.  It seems like fear.  It feels a bit like hair standing up on the back of my neck.  It isn’t every time I talk to him.  It has happened maybe 6 or 8 times in all the years I’ve known him.  It is a visceral reaction.  It hits me at my very core.  It isn’t based on any kind of logic.

I think.

But there is a sense of panic – like the mouse must feel when he knows that he isn’t going to be set free.

Yesterday I got that panic feeling.  On a whim, I sat down at my computer and in the Google search box I typed, “narcissism and evil”.  I’m not going to link you to what I found.  It’s depressing and frightening. Continue reading →

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