Posts Tagged: life

Child of Narcissist / Moving On / Seeing My Path — 8 Comments
15
Sep 11

I Am Not A Goddess

“If you think this isn’t very hard, that’s because you have been steadily working on getting to this point this whole time.

If someone set us down in front of a block of stone and said, “Here, get going.  Create a magnificent relief of a Goddess, and don’t get up until you’re done,” that would be daunting.    But  if  that block of stone came with instructions to create a Goddess by chipping away a little each day, the project wouldn’t be quite as overwhelming.

The work we’ve done didn’t  happen overnight.  You didn’t just wake up and decide to get the clear picture, stand in the wind and dust on this plateau, stretch your arms and legs, fill your lungs with fresh air, and jump onto a new path.

This has been a long time in the making.  Every choice and path correction has led to this point. Continue reading →

Homeschool / Moving On / Parenting / Random Observations / Seeing My Path / Tools — 7 Comments
12
Sep 11

On Full Moons, Rainbow Trout and Gratitude

The rainbow cleared the surface of the water to get a glimpse of the full moon. It was his job to report back to the others. “Yep, it’s full. They can’t catch us for at least another 24 hours!”

The ripples set off by the splash broke the seamless reflection of the sailboat. Without a breeze, the ripples smoothed quickly and returned the cove to a dark mirror spotted by boat lights and star haze.

Up until then, we’d been wondering if that sailboat had two masts. We couldn’t tell where the boat ended and the reflection began.

In our shorts, sweatshirts and Keens, we stood arm-in-arm, gazing at the moon hiding on the other side of the trees. Their leaves were still clinging to green. Even though it was September 11th, they weren’t ready to change into yellow, orange and brown.

Not yet.

When I asked what thoughts came to their minds when standing there bathed in moonlight, they both uttered something about being thankful.

Thankful for fish caught.

Thankful for new friends made.

Thankful for trees to climb with new and old friends.

Thankful for grandparents fun enough to camp with.

Thankful for the opportunity to enjoy a warm summer night when others had to go to bed early on a school night.

Thankful for the opportunity to appreciate our simple lives when others have lost so much.

Thankful for closeness and comfort and not so much stress.

Thankful for coffee in the morning, jeans to ward off the chill, warm chocolate milk and the opportunity to catch more fish.

__________

We pointed out the constellations that tried to stand out against the bright light of the moon. We knew some of the names and made up the others.

As we turned to walk back and tuck in for the night, we acknowledged the date. For a brief moment we felt awkward in our gratitude.

Was it enough to be thankful?

Should we do more?

And then we heard the splash. The rainbow cleared the surface again. We turned in time to see the ripples sending a code that said, “Come back tomorrow.  Catch me if you can.”

Moving On / Random Observations / Seeing My Path / Tools — 2 Comments
9
Sep 11

The Surrender

the-flow1A definition of surrender from merriam-webster.com:

to give (oneself) over to something (as an influence)

…

When she was little, surrender was something she did when she played Cowboys and Indians.  She usually tried to be on the side that didn’t require her to surrender.

When she was a teenager, surrender was something she feared would be expected once she agreed to kiss a boy, so she didn’t often let herself get in a situation where she’d be close enough to kiss. Continue reading →

Moving On / Parenting / Random Observations / Seeing My Path / Tools — 40 Comments
6
Sep 11

It Takes a Good Leavin’ Alone

stonesWhen he sends the epically long email explaining that he hasn’t introduced the kids to his girlfriend because they don’t show that they care about his life, they never come over anyway, and he really didn’t think it was any of their business…

When they question your choices, make sarcastic comments about your lifestyle and complain about how stressed and over-worked they are…

When you’ve seen that they can make healthy choices without you having to hover, lecture, or demand…

When he’s never shown any interest in what you have to say, yet you think he will this time… Continue reading →

Moving On / Random Observations / Seeing My Path — 28 Comments
30
Aug 11

He Wears Ray Bans

myselfIt turns out that he wasn’t wearing a Kevlar Vest after all.

She thought that was it.  She thought that was the reason that she couldn’t get close to him.

She was mistaken.

__________

They met several more times on the playground, played some games that neither of them knew the rules for, and ate more strawberries. Continue reading →

Moving On / Random Observations / Seeing My Path — 10 Comments
22
Aug 11

“It’s Karma, Stupid.”

red-on-rocks“It’s about how many times you keep coming back, working on the same lessons with the same people.”

“How many more times do you want to play the doormat? ”

“How many more times are you going to cry yourself to sleep because you don’t feel loved? ”

“How many more times are you going to deny who you are because you fear others won’t accept you?”

“Do you think these lessons can be learned by yourself?”

“Don‘t you think the lessons are learned through the relating to others?”

…

“I just see you giving lip service to all this stuff – the universe, God, karma, love, truth, authenticity.  That’s great and lofty and swell and all, but when are you going to really act on this stuff you say you believe in?”

 

*From a conversation –  Seeing My Path.

Moving On / Parenting / Random Observations — 14 Comments
18
Aug 11

On Cute Puppies and Leaving Well Enough Alone

If I could manage to keep them from putting that 6 week-old Pomeranian puff ball with irresistible brown eyes in my arms, I’d be fine.

…

They cradled him like a newborn.  They sprinkled Johnny Jump-Ups on his back.  They cooed at him and loved him up.

And then the pleading started.

“Mom, he won’t get too big.” Continue reading →

Moving On / Seeing My Path — 5 Comments
15
Aug 11

Walls, Fences and Structures

fence

An excerpt from Seeing My Path.

…  I remind myself that all the structures in my life have been created by me.

The structures are determined by my relationships and my role in those relationships.  The structures dictate where I go.

I think of the structures as guard rails that keep me on the path I’m traveling.

. . .

The structure prevented me from moving closer to who I was supposed to be.

On this plateau, with the sun warming my face, I can see – far down below – a maze of high walls.  The walls are the structure I thought I needed to guarantee love and acceptance.  They funneled me in the direction of pleasing others, helping others, and putting myself last.

What if I made the decision to raze those walls and create a new structure?

What if I trusted that love would come to me if I allowed myself to follow a path that didn’t put everyone else first?

Could it be that each step in the direction of my true self might bring me more strength and more love?

Then I heard myself having a conversation with… well… myself.

 

*To read more about how my choices and structures led to my marrying a narcissist, how I lost myself, changed course and finally got headed in my right direction check out Seeing My Path – In and Out of a Relationship With a Narcissist.

It’s a good story with a happy ending… so far. ;)

Moving On / Seeing My Path — 6 Comments
6
Aug 11

Delicious Beginnings and a Red Wagon

red-wagonAn excerpt from Seeing My Path…

“Remember when we were a kid and didn’t care?  Do you remember back before we worried if our ears were too big, whether we talked too much, if our  eyebrows  were too caterpillar-like, or if our arms and legs were too long and skinny?

Can you remember a time before we started to think there was something wrong with us?

Let’s be that kid pulling a red wagon full of  hopes, dreams and lessons to be learned.

Let’s be that kid before she’s hardened by disappointments, dashed hopes and unfulfilled dreams.

Let‘s be that kid before she lets the doubts change her opinion of herself – before she began to believe the criticisms or hurtful comments from others.

Let‘s be the kid who believed she could do anything and thought she was lovable and likeable and a joy to be around.

Can you imagine anyone not wanting to be around our kids?  Try to feel that way about us.  We, above all, know our intrinsic goodness.  We know the depth of our character.

Let’s be the kid who is proud of the stories she writes and the cakes she bakes and the pictures she draws and the forts she builds.

Love us as much as we love the kids.

Forgive our screw ups.

Believe in our intentions.

Allow us to grow into who we are.”

 

*Notes from a conversation with myself, on a high plateau, somewhere in the middle of Montana.

Random Observations / Seeing My Path — 2 Comments
4
Aug 11

Dear Universe

dear-universeDear Universe,

Thank you for giving me the opportunity to write this book.

With grateful tears and a happy, excited heart…

Love,

Jesse

Moving On / Seeing My Path — 21 Comments
2
Aug 11

I’m Scared

Last night I was re-reading the book I’ve been working on.  I’ve been excited to put this project together for you.

As I was reading, those crappy voices assaulted me – the ones that say, “Who the hell gives a shit about Jesse Blayne’s messed up choices?  Who wants to spend two more minutes of their time reading about this woman?  What difference does it make?”

So at 10:30 last night, I fired off an email to my aunt.  She has read the book and offered some invaluable comments and suggestions.  She is smart and wise and good.  She’ll set me straight.

I asked her, “Is this book just a bunch of narcissistic B.S.?  Is it going to help anyone?”

I went to bed prepared to rewrite the whole book.

__________

This morning I realized I’m doing it again – I’m worrying about what everyone else will think.  My default position is to always head in the direction that others think is best.

The others might be my family, or the blogging experts, or the SEO gurus or the ebook generators or the bean counters or whoever else plants seeds of doubt in my already crowded, full-of-doubt brain.

So I did what I always do when I feel the need to take a flyswatter to all those doubts buzzing around in my head.

I started thinking about you.

I started thinking about what you are scared of.

I started thinking about the doubts buzzing around in your head.

You are the person I’ve been writing this book for.

Not the SEO gurus, the ebook generator people, or my mom or Kevlar Man or even my aunt, much as I love her.

__________

I’ve been scared before.

I’ll be scared again.

I’m not changing anything – except for some typos and the whole it’s/its thing – if I catch ’em all.

 

*Just as I was about to hit publish, I got a response from my aunt.  The gist was this:  “Don’t change a thing!  Go Girl!”


Random Observations / Seeing My Path / Tools — 9 Comments
30
Jul 11

Letting Go of the Rope

letting-the-moss-growShe never could get up on water skis.  Oh sure, she tried.

Her dad was actually quite patient with her.  She can remember the summer he drug her around the lake.  He was steering the boat, looking back at her expectantly, motioning with his hands to “just pop up on those skis!”

She swallowed a lot of water.  She kept getting in the lake and trying.

She just couldn’t do it.

Maybe she didn’t really want to water ski.  Everybody else said they loved water skiing.  She should probably love water skiing, too.  That’s what everybody did in the summer. Continue reading →

Random Observations — 20 Comments
24
Jul 11

Dear 27-Year-Olds

hang-on

Hey you!

Hang on.

This isn’t all there is.

If it feels thick and slow and hard to breathe, that’s because it often feels that way – especially right now. That thick feeling is offset by another feeling… of lightness.

That lightness comes if you let it – if you don’t try to attach to it. Don’t cling to the lightness out of fear. Let it come and go.  Trust that when the lightness leaves, it will also return.

___________

There are glimpses of understanding.

Sometimes it all makes sense.

Go out under the moon and catch your breath.

Walk by yourself in a Spring rain and get soaked.  Smell your skin and the wet earth and listen to the grass grow.

You will see that it makes sense.

Let a newborn baby wrap its tender hand around your calloused finger. Feel the energy in that tiny hand.

That makes sense.

The hardness makes sense, for without it, there is no appreciation for ease.

__________

Show us who you are.  What are you hiding from?  If you won’t let us see you, how can we come to know you and love you.

Open yourself up to the possibility of being loved for who you are – flaws and all.  We all have them.

Ask for a hand, because we are all here for no other reason than to support and nurture each other.

Can you let another nurture you?

You don’t have to be so tough.

Let us see you.

Let us know you.

You deserve to be loved for who you are.

__________

Hang on.

It gets sweeter.

There is joy to be found in a morning spent pulling weeds or a night spent falling asleep on the couch getting lost in a book.

There is good spaghetti yet to eat.

There are children to watch grow and hikes to take.

There are flowers to be picked and friends to be made.

There is good wine to share.

There are mountains of buttery popcorn to be devoured while sitting in a dark theater next to your best friend watching a new summer blockbuster in air conditioning when it’s 98 degrees outside.

There will be phone calls from old friends who miss you.

There will be bright spots right around the corner.

Hang on.

Quotes / Random Observations — 2 Comments
15
Jul 11

Everyone Is Just Waiting

Waiting for the fish to bite or waiting for wind to fly a kite. Or waiting around for Friday night or waiting perhaps for their Uncle Jake or a pot to boil or a better break or a string of pearls or a pair of pants or a wig with curls or another chance. Everyone is just waiting.
Dr. Seuss

 

Child of Narcissist / Moving On / Random Observations / Seeing My Path — 18 Comments
13
Jul 11

Waiting

waiting-on-the-moonWhen her babies were small, she had an urge to knit tiny striped mittens with pink and green and purple fuzzy yarns.  Now her kids wouldn’t be caught dead wearing handmade mittens.  Friends were having babies who needed their precious hands protected from the harsh winter winds.  She could make mittens for those babies.

She was waiting for her mom to teach her to knit.

He often found himself at a friend’s house on Saturday afternoons, and after swilling a couple beers, someone would suggest playing a pickup game of basketball.  He’d laugh and say, “I’ll sit this one out.  I’m lousy at basketball.”

He was waiting for his dad to teach him how to play basketball.

He’d read all he could find on SEO, blog traffic, building customer loyalty and what the experts had to say about making money on the internet.  He’d finished his most recent course, made some progress and signed up for the next impressive looking webinar that would surely push his project over the edge.  He lacked the confidence to believe that he had the skills and knowledge that would make his project a success. Continue reading →

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