love « Surviving Narcissism

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Narcissism and Lack of Awareness

lamp I am writing at the purple table. I reach for a sip of coffee and kick the cat.

I did not kick her on purpose.

I’ve already mentioned that we live with the world’s most patient cat. She is affectionate and loving, and she likes my ankles.

I sit at the table, right leg crossed over left, writing, answering questions, breaking up fights, sipping coffee, and writing some more. Invariably, I have to get up to fix or get or find something, and when I do, I pick up my right leg. When I lift my leg to get off the chair, my foot comes up and kicks Nina.

I usually catch her in the ribs. Continue reading →

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9
Feb 10

Bedtime Tonic

A good gulp of hot whiskey at bedtime — it’s not very scientific but it helps.

Alexander Fleming

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9
Feb 10

Nighttime and the Narcissist

Who thinks of you at night? Who thinks of you as they turn out the light? Who sends up a little prayer for you, or gives thanks that you are in their life?

Last night, on my way to bed, I checked on Will and Jenny. I do every night. Seems I can’t go to sleep unless I check on them first. It probably isn’t necessary. I tuck them in every night. But I have to see them before I go off to bed. I remember one night several years ago, I was preoccupied, went to bed, read a bit, turned out the light, and settled in. I was just hitting that sweet spot between wakefulness and snooze, when I bolted upright and realized I hadn’t checked on them. I jumped out of bed to make sure that they were snuggled safely in their beds. Every now and then, Will asks me if I still check on them before I go to bed. I’m not sure I could go to sleep without first checking on them.

I don’t think it is too much to expect that a spouse or partner might think of you before he closes his day. Of course, we are busy and exhausted. There are so many distractions. There is the need to just unwind and not have to fulfill anymore obligations. But at the end of the day, can’t we make time for this person who shares a life with us — struggles and all? Can we share a warm glance that says, “I’m glad you’re here, even if I’m too damn tired to do anything about it?”

I can guess what ran through Mark’s head when I was still living in his house. It was probably a lot like this:

“Damn, when is that woman going to figure out how to fix pork chops the way I like ’em? I wish she’d leave me alone with the remote. God, I hope she tucks the kids in, it’s her job anyway. I wonder if she remembered to take the garbage out? Shouldn’t those toys be picked up by now? I wonder if I have clean socks for tomorrow? Do I have to sit through one more story about the kids? Wonder if I’ll get any tonight?” Continue reading →

Child of Narcissist / Control / Lack of Empathy / Moving On / Narcissist Quotes / Opportunistic / The World Revolves Around Me / Tools / You Might Be a Narcissist If ... — 4 Comments
7
Feb 10

The Proper Care and Feeding of Your Narcissist

Eight years ago on Super Bowl Sunday, I was two months pregnant with Jenny. I had round-the-clock morning sickness. To this day, I tell Jenny that she was worth every trip to the bathroom.

One of my favorite pictures is a shot of me, looking awful from the morning all-day sickness, holding a gallon-sized container of Atomic Fireballs. There’s something about the hot spicy jawbreakers that kept the sickness at bay. They were an absolute lifesaver. I had an Atomic Fireball in my mouth for 7 months.

Poor Will was going on four years old. He got used to me hanging out in the bathroom. In fact, after Jenny was born, I was doing something, let out a cough, and I heard Will say, “Mommy, are you throwing up again?”

Anyway, we had been invited to a Super Bowl Party. I was sitting in a chair, trying to summon up the strength to put on my shoes. I did not want to go to the party, but I didn’t want to disappoint Mark and Will. I looked at Mark and said, “I’m so sorry, but I just can’t go. I feel like all I’ve been doing is trying to simply exist.” He looked at me, let out a sigh of frustration and said, “Well, that is all you’ve been doing.”

__________ Continue reading →

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2
Feb 10

What Are You Waiting For?

gabrielle Please watch this.

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31
Jan 10

Invest Wisely

The four most dangerous words in investing are, ‘This time it’s different’.

John Templeton

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26
Jan 10

Apologize

Never ruin an apology with an excuse.

Kimberly Johnson

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22
Jan 10

Winter

Winter is the time for comfort, for good food and warmth, for the touch of a friendly hand and for a talk beside the fire: it is the time for home.

Edith Sitwell

Child of Narcissist / Lack of Empathy / Moving On — 1 Comment
22
Jan 10

Children of Narcissists Take Detailed Notes

winter Winter forgot about us for a couple weeks — long enough for the snow to melt and the birds to enjoy pretending that it might really be over. But, winter made an impressive return today. Apparently it’s wanting to remind us just who the boss really is. I had asked my young cousin if he might be able to split the rest of our wood. I’m hoping it gets us through the rest of the season. Will loves the opportunity to hang with an older guy, strut around with a hatchet in his hand, and have an excuse to drink coffee.

My cousin has plenty of stories to tell of his own absent father. His dad is my dad’s brother. They both cut class during Fatherhood 101. They were too busy talking about one’s hot GTO and the other’s riches from the recent poker game. They had their priorities. It was interesting to listen to my cousin and my son compare notes about their dads. Both of them have these tough exteriors that would lead you to believe that they really don’t give a damn, and that they are doing just fine without. I expected one of them to say, “Who needs a dad, anyway.” My cousin took a sip from his mug and said, “Ya know, last year my dad didn’t call me from November to April. Not once.” He initially said it like it was a badge of honor. But I could see in his eyes that he’s trying to understand how his dad could go for so long without having any interest in his life. He’s keeping track. He’s taking notes. He’s not going to forget. They head out to split wood. I can hear each chop. I imagine that with each swing of the ax, those boys are letting out their anger, frustration, disappointment and hurt. At least I hope they are.

While they are chopping, Jenny and I sit at the kitchen table. Jenny is creating a very detailed drawing of her new doll. A friend brought Jenny a beautiful rag doll from Mexico. She is colorful, happy and ready to be loved. Just like Jenny. I’m working on a sewing project that I promised Jen I’d finish. I love how when you are doing simple chores or projects with your hands, your mind opens up and things come out your mouth. I always hear little pearls coming from my kids. They don’t need prompting. When their hands are busy and don’t require input from their brain, their brain is free to cycle, and suddenly they express things that have been buried. Jenny often brings up the story of the yellow blanket with the embroidered blue birds. We were living at Mark’s. Jenny was three. She wanted to bring the blanket down to the living room from upstairs. Mark stopped her in her tracks and said, “You have enough toys in the living room. That blanket has to stay up in your bedroom.” In her sweet little voice she pleaded with her daddy to let her bring the blanket downstairs. After all, she had a baby downstairs that was cold. She needed the blanket. Mark told her to put the blanket back in the bedroom. That was the end of the conversation.

To this day, Jenny doesn’t understand why that was such a big deal. Why would it matter to bring the blanket downstairs? She has taken notes on a couple other instances where Mark insisted on something that just didn’t make sense. I know Will has a bunch of notes, too. He actually has notebooks in his bedroom where he writes of the strange dealings with his dad.

Today I learned that Jenny recently asked her dad about the yellow blanket incident. She said that when she did, Mark said, “Oh honey, that was your mommy that didn’t want the blanket downstairs. That wasn’t me.” Narcissists don’t realize that others take notes. Then I said to Jenny, “I’m impressed that you had the guts to talk to your dad about that.” She responded with, “Oh, yes, I did. But that was the last of my guts.” Continue reading →

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20
Jan 10

Out On A Limb

Don’t be afraid to go out on a limb. That’s where the fruit is.

H. Jackson Browne

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18
Jan 10

Take A Chance

This afternoon, on the way out the door, Jenny grabbed her giant tube of Watermelon Lip Smackers. She offered it to me. I have a thing for Watermelon Lip Smackers. I’ve had this “thing” since 7th grade. Why do you think my daughter was introduced to Lip Smackers in the first place? Watermelon Lip Smackers is slippery, sweet and slightly pink. Being an innocent teenager is all those same things. Or at least it used to be. I smeared some on my lips, and suddenly I’m wearing Hash jeans, my hair is really long and straight, I’m 13 and I’m staring at Greg Nickels.

I had a crush on Greg from 7th grade to, probably, my senior year. I have a hard time giving up — hence, the amount of time it took me to exit a crappy marriage. In 9th grade, Greg Nickels asked me to go to “The Dance”. I was beside myself. All the girls told me that he really liked me. I didn’t believe them. It was the night of “The Dance”, and he came to pick me up with this cute little corsage. We were standing on the deck of the apartment that my mom was renting at the time. I remember this vividly. There was a slight breeze, and the air smelled like a mix of carnation, watermelon, aftershave and exhaust from the refinery that wasn’t far from our apartment building. He helped me pin the flower on my sleeveless dress. High up at my shoulder, he reached beneath the strap, so as to keep the pin from piercing my skin. I remember a bit of fumbling and a lot of nerves and clumsiness, on both our parts. Then, he looked as if he might kiss me. He was actually bending toward me! No one else was around. This was it! I had been waiting for this moment since 7th grade! I panicked. Instead of leaning into the kiss, I turned my face, and his lips met with my cheek. That sent him a clear message that I was not interested, even though I had been interested since what seemed like forever.

The rest of the night was uncomfortable and awkward, to say the least. In fact, I don’t remember the night with the same detail that I remember the corsage-pinning part. On Monday, everybody kept asking me why I didn’t like Greg any more. What was I going to say? I wasn’t going to admit that I didn’t have a whole lot of experience in the kissing department, let alone all the stuff in the other departments. So instead of being honest, I played it cool. He never asked me out, again.

Now it’s not like I’m 47 years old and still kicking myself for not having made out with Greg Nichols when I was 15. I’m not going to my death bed wishing I had handled things differently. (I think.) In fact, if I was 15 right now, standing in front of him, I’d turn my cheek again. And, yes, I will expect Jenny to behave the same exact way when her Greg Nickels leans in for that kiss. (Like that will make any difference to Jenny, but I can hope.) But I am less inclined to let opportunities pass me by. I’m fine making a fool of myself if it means I have a chance at something fantastic. I made the difficult decision to end a miserable marriage so as to have a chance at an authentic, happy life.

I’m finding that the older I get, the less I’m willing to put up with crap. I can’t control how others act, but I can decide whether I want to remove myself from situations where I am treated poorly. I’m also finding that, with age, I care less about making a fool of myself — much to my kids’ chagrin. I will not be on my death bed wishing I had told the people I love how much I love them. I won’t be wishing I had stayed longer in a lousy job. I won’t be feeling like I should have spent more time with my kids. And I won’t be mad at myself for having stayed in a broken marriage. I may, however, ask to borrow Jenny’s Watermelon Lip Smackers.

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9
Jan 10

Formula For Happiness

The grand essentials of happiness are: something to do, something to love, and something to hope for.

Allan K. Chalmers

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9
Jan 10

Livin’ The Dream

blooming I really don’t like grocery shopping. That’s a bit of an understatement. I always go to the same place, so I can put it on auto-pilot. I know where everything is. I look at my list. I get it done. But, the folks that work at the place where I shop are a nice bunch. They are quick to greet and say ‘hello’. There’s a new guy in the produce section. He’s young and enthusiastic, and he’s embracing the store’s obvious policy for placing emphasis on customer service. The first time I saw him, he was working with the apples and oranges, turning them to make them look more appealing. He glanced my way, and with a pleasant smile said, “Hi.” I asked him how he was doing, in that sometimes mindless way that I answer greetings. He chuckled a bit and said, “Livin’ the dream!” I was taken by surprise with that response. It wasn’t the usual, “Fine. How are you?” In fact, I remember thinking, “Really? You dreamed of being the produce guy?”

“Livin’ the dream” requires knowing what your dream is. Maybe he did dream of being the produce guy. There’s nothing wrong with that. He’s a lot further along than those of us who are still trying to figure out what our dream is. Could be he’s a wise old soul that has figured out that it doesn’t have a whole lot to do with a dream or a goal. It’s more about embracing good work, good friends and family, and keeping your mind open to learning new things. I’m secretly starting to think that all that stuff about ‘enjoying the journey and not the goal’ is really true. Plus, it takes the pressure off of me for still not having figured out what my dream is. Yikes. I can’t believe that enjoying the journey could even mean finding something positive about grocery shopping. Although, some of those chance encounters with others at the grocery store can be pretty fun.

I’ve been giving a lot of thought to that expression, “Bloom where you’re planted.” You can run from problems, and end up in a new neighborhood with different versions of the same problems. Or, you can stay where you are and develop the skills necessary to deal with whatever life puts in front of you. It seems the real trick is realizing that while the grass has a lot of weeds in my little yard, it’s still pretty green. Some days it may seem like the turf would be more lush some where else, but I’m betting there’s still going to be a few weeds. I’ve also noticed, however, that having narcissists to deal with on a regular basis is a lot like having some really wicked weeds in the yard. I’m not ready to pull out the Roundup, yet. But there are days when a hoe and a rake just don’t cut it.

I don’t know if the produce guy dreamed of sorting fruits and vegies. I suppose that one day I could strike up a conversation and ask him. Maybe I’ll do that on a day when Jen and Will aren’t with me. I don’t need to embarrass them any more than I already do. But, it’s sweeter thinking that maybe this pleasant young fellow has mastered the art of “Blooming where he’s planted.” Or maybe there’s some sort of natural high to be gained from working with produce all day.

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6
Jan 10

To Be An Angel

We are, each of us angels with only one wing, and we can only fly by embracing one another.

Luciano de Crescenzo

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6
Jan 10

You’ll Know Them By Their Biscotti

angel My aunt sent me an email a few days ago. Seems my brother had been reading my blog, was concerned about a couple posts, didn’t know how to help, and phoned my aunt. I’d been chatting with her more regularly lately, and she put his mind at ease.

Let me back up a little. About two months ago, I was reading something about Narcissism, and felt compelled to send my aunt an email. When thinking of warm, fuzzy memories from childhood, it seems that a lot of them took place at her house. I wanted to thank her.

That opened a door.

My aunt has been following along in my blog, and sometimes contacts me when she thinks I need a shoulder. She and my uncle have recently taken me under their wing.

Fast forward to today… Continue reading →